Bootleg City: Jethro Tull, 11/25/87

As election day approaches, it’s important for a political candidate like myself to line up celebrity endorsements. One of my opponents, David Byrne, has the support of famous people-slash-political activists like Jane Fonda and Danny Glover, while another opponent, Bob Marley, has lined up a bunch of dead celebrity endorsements, including Robert Palmer, Nina Simone, Mickey Rooney, and John Lennon, who would’ve turned 69 today. How am I supposed to compete with—

… My sources have just informed me that Mr. Rooney is still alive. I’m sure they’re wrong, but I don’t want to embarrass them, so I’ll check Wikipedia after I get home.

So far the only endorsement I’ve gotten is from Jethro Tull frontman Ian Anderson, who made the trip to Bootleg City only after I convinced him that I’d gotten my hands on the world’s oldest instrument, a 35,000-year-old flute discovered by archaeologists in Germany last year. Once he arrived, I explained that my e-mail contained a few extra zeros, not to mention a gratuitous three and five.

Mr. Anderson wasn’t thrilled about traveling thousands of miles to receive a brand-new flute made in the Little Germany neighborhood of Bootleg City, but he did seem to enjoy the flute whipping he gave me, which was apparently a first. I was inspired to create a new tourism campaign with the following tag line: “Bootleg City: Experience the Unexpected (Just Be Prepared for Some Violence).”

I convinced Mr. Anderson to stay and give a talk to all the children of our city about the consequences a rock musician faces when he continues to play flute solos into his 60s. I left the City Auditorium during his speech so I could send my condolences to all the former Mrs. Mickey Rooneys of the world, but when I returned, the children were gone.

Some of these kids’ parents are still waking up from that disastrous Wizard of Oz screening. What am I going to tell them? “Sorry, folks, but a modern-day Pied Piper whose band won a Grammy in 1989 for Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance, Vocal or Instrumental, has run off and taken every child in the city with him. It’s a mystery as to why. I mean, everybody knows that award should’ve gone to Metallica.”

My opponents are going to have a field day with this one, especially Matt Wardlaw. He didn’t provide me with today’s bootleg — which was recorded for WMMR 93.3 FM at the Tower Theater in Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, on November 25, 1987 — but I’m sure he’ll get a good laugh at my expense from the second song on Jethro Tull’s set list.

Then again, I’ve gotten lots of good laughs from the fact that Mr. Wardlaw’s sole celebrity endorsement, Simon Le Bon, ran off to Rio last week for some easy Olympics tie-in money as soon as the IOC made its decision about the 2016 Summer Games.

So sad, Matthew. Maybe Warren Cuccurullo is looking for someone to get behind this fall? It never hurts to ask, you know.

Songs From the Wood
Thick as a Brick
Steel Monkey
Farm on the Freeway
Heavy Horses
Living in the Past
Serenade to a Cuckoo
Budapest
[instrumental]
Wond’ring Aloud
Skating Away on the Thin Ice of a New Day
Jump Start
Too Old to Rock ‘n’ Roll: Too Young to Die!
Aqualung
Locomotive Breath
Wind Up




  • Matt

    It makes good sense that a band that sucks, would endorse a candidate that sucks.

    Allow me to help fix the title of track 11, which should be:

    “Skating Away on the Thin Ice of a Failing Campaign.”

    I bid you farewell for now, Cass. I'm off to spend some more time with the many jubilant supporters of my campaign, all of whom are looking forward to a better Bootleg City soon. A Bootleg City that as you can probably guess, will be minus one Mayor Cass.

    Yes we can!

  • http://mulberrypanda96.blogspot.com rwcass

    “It makes good sense that a band that sucks, would endorse a candidate that sucks.”

    Simon Le Bon. Really, that's all that needs to be said.

    “Vic-vic-victorious!” You won't be doing any Duran Duran song-title paraphrasing come November 3, Wardlaw!

  • Matt

    Cass,

    Greetings again, my dearest mortal enemy.

    I have to admit that I am slightly shocked:

    That's a low blow, even by your standards.

    Since you brought up Duran Duran – I'll note that when they got around to trimming the fat, they didn't get rid of Simon – they wisely kicked Andy Taylor right to the curb. Why put up with that BS guitar player when you can just call Warren Cuccurullo?

    It's that same curb that you will find yourself sitting on when the informed citizens of Bootleg City cast their votes in November. Perhaps Mr. Taylor will still be there, and you can sit there and talk about where it all went wrong.

    Unfortunately, Mr. Taylor has DD royalties to fall back on, while the best that you'll be able to do is to start working on that book – “My Bootleg City of Ruins.”

    Meanwhile, I'll be playing the part of Warren Cuccurullo when the kind citizens of Bootleg City come calling.

  • http://mulberrypanda96.blogspot.com rwcass

    Be careful of the political company you keep, Matthew. According to reliable ol' Wikipedia …

    “Cuccurullo took the plunge into adult print in 2000, appearing in a nude photo spread in Brazilian gay publication, G magazine, in which he appeared with a full erection in many photographs.

    “In July 2001, he relaunched his fan club website, adding additional members-only sections that included sexually explicit material of himself having sexual relations, music downloads, a chat room, Q&A section, and message board. Despite his rapidly enlarging fanbase among gay males (and despite persistent rumors and requests), his adult material is all heterosexual in nature. Later that year, he created the 'Rock Rod,' a self-modeled dildo that sold through the manufacturer's website and in adult stores.

    “In 2004, all adult material was removed from his website. Many clips of his porn work are regularly circulated on the web.”

    On the other hand …

    “Andy Taylor hooked up with ex-Sex Pistols guitarist Steve Jones and recorded the hit single 'Take It Easy' (US #24), which was used as the theme song to the movie 'American Anthem.'”

    And who doesn't like American anthems? Vote for me, citizens of Bootleg City, and you'll have plenty to sing about AND be proud about. Most importantly, I won't be waving any “Rock Rods” in your face if I'm re-elected.

    CAN YOU SAY THE SAME ABOUT MATT WARDLAW?

  • http://mulberrypanda96.blogspot.com rwcass

    Be careful of the political company you keep, Matthew. According to reliable ol' Wikipedia …

    “Cuccurullo took the plunge into adult print in 2000, appearing in a nude photo spread in Brazilian gay publication, G magazine, in which he appeared with a full erection in many photographs.

    “In July 2001, he relaunched his fan club website, adding additional members-only sections that included sexually explicit material of himself having sexual relations, music downloads, a chat room, Q&A section, and message board. Despite his rapidly enlarging fanbase among gay males (and despite persistent rumors and requests), his adult material is all heterosexual in nature. Later that year, he created the 'Rock Rod,' a self-modeled dildo that sold through the manufacturer's website and in adult stores.

    “In 2004, all adult material was removed from his website. Many clips of his porn work are regularly circulated on the web.”

    On the other hand …

    “Andy Taylor hooked up with ex-Sex Pistols guitarist Steve Jones and recorded the hit single 'Take It Easy' (US #24), which was used as the theme song to the movie 'American Anthem.'”

    And who doesn't like American anthems? Vote for me, citizens of Bootleg City, and you'll have plenty to sing about AND be proud about. Most importantly, I won't be waving any “Rock Rods” in your face if I'm re-elected.

    CAN YOU SAY THE SAME ABOUT MATT WARDLAW?

  • http://mulberrypanda96.blogspot.com rwcass

    Be careful of the political company you keep, Matthew. According to reliable ol' Wikipedia …

    “Cuccurullo took the plunge into adult print in 2000, appearing in a nude photo spread in Brazilian gay publication, G magazine, in which he appeared with a full erection in many photographs.

    “In July 2001, he relaunched his fan club website, adding additional members-only sections that included sexually explicit material of himself having sexual relations, music downloads, a chat room, Q&A section, and message board. Despite his rapidly enlarging fanbase among gay males (and despite persistent rumors and requests), his adult material is all heterosexual in nature. Later that year, he created the 'Rock Rod,' a self-modeled dildo that sold through the manufacturer's website and in adult stores.

    “In 2004, all adult material was removed from his website. Many clips of his porn work are regularly circulated on the web.”

    On the other hand …

    “Andy Taylor hooked up with ex-Sex Pistols guitarist Steve Jones and recorded the hit single 'Take It Easy' (US #24), which was used as the theme song to the movie 'American Anthem.'”

    And who doesn't like American anthems? Vote for me, citizens of Bootleg City, and you'll have plenty to sing about AND be proud about. Most importantly, I won't be waving any “Rock Rods” in your face if I'm re-elected.

    CAN YOU SAY THE SAME ABOUT MATT WARDLAW?

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