Hard to believe it’s been over a year since I last talked to y’all on Popdoze so Bobby C. could have another week off. I’m a big fan of Sugar Water (Stop it, you’re embarrassing me! —RC), so I was sad to see it move from entree to after-dinner mint on Bobby’s menu when he became mayor of Bootleg City last fall. But we all have to make sacrifices when we take on new responsibilities, don’t we?
Take me, for example — my son, Levi, is almost 14 months old. Can y’all believe that? Crazy. I can’t even remember life before he was born. Part of that’s because of the weed, but life really does change once you’re a daddy. And my wife, Camila, is expecting our second one by the end of the year.
Whoa, did I just say “wife”? Back up, y’all — that was a slip of the tongue. Camila’s my partner, my main squeeze, my colleague in baby raisin’ — but not my wife. Neither of us are into that right now. Maybe one day, but we’re not like normal people — we don’t need the tax breaks, know what I mean? When you’re rich, money has no effect on love.
Of course, the language barrier can be a problem. Camila’s from Brazil, and I’ve been tryin’ real hard in these online Spanish classes I’m takin’, but nothing seems to work. Three of our nannies are Mexican, and even they don’t understand her. I think it’s because she talks so fast. I tried slowin’ her down with some ‘ritas, but now she’s got another little McConaughey inside her, so she can’t drink.
I never had this much trouble with Penelope when we were goin’ out, but her English kept gettin’ better, at least until she dumped me, and suddenly it was all “How you say, ‘Javier Bardem has substance’?” Did you see him in that Coen brothers movie? Awful hair. Hey, I just call it as I see it, y’all. And like my daddy always said, “People who have substance are bound to abuse it.” Remember that.
Yeah, life’s pretty good right now. Levi’s a little scoundrel, still tryin’ to breast-feed eight months after Camila cut him off. Fight the power, little man! And Camila and I still find plenty of time to exercise and hit the beach while Levi’s bein’ watched by the nanny army. So I guess there really aren’t that many sacrifices for family life when you’re a rich movie star like me. Hell, I can’t even spell “re-sesh-un.” Yeeeeee-hawwww! Texas style!
But seriously, y’all — stay in school.
I gotta hit the beach, but before I go, let me ask y’all something: Do y’all remember the late ’90s? It’s hazy for me because of all the partyin’ I did, but I seem to recall Bram Stoker’s Dracula, the Spanish-American War, ragtime music, Grover Cleveland’s second nonconsecutive term as president—
Wait, that’s the late 1890s. Hold on, let me take my shirt off so I can think better. I don’t know why I ever put these things on in the first place, to be honest with you.
Okay, now I can breathe.
Let’s see … the late 1990s … well, according to Wikipedia, there was Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, Monica Lewinsky, the Y2K panic, a John Grisham movie I was in where I solved racism long before Barack Obama came along (he got elected on my 39th birthday — that was no coincidence, y’all), a Steven Spielberg movie where I cured slavery, every other song on the radio talkin’ about the millennium, Columbine, Princess Diana, me gettin’ arrested for nothing more than playin’ the bongos naked in my apartment with a buddy of mine, and a Robert Zemeckis movie where I tried real hard to make Jodie Foster sleep with me but she just wasn’t havin’ it. Threw me for a loop, y’all. She seemed kinda stuck-up, if you wanna know the truth.
Maybe you’ll recognize some of the songs below. They’re from Y100 Sonic Sessions, Vol. 2, and they’re brought to you by another cool customer named Matthew — Wardlaw‘s the name, and he’ll be providin’ another six volumes in the Sonic Sessions series before all’s said and done. These aren’t really my favorite songs of the late ’90s, but Mayor Casserole said, “I need a hook. Please allow me to exploit your fame.” What can I say, y’all? I’m honored. (Matthew’s manager would now like me to remind you that you can pick up a copy of Ghosts of Girlfriends Past on Blu-ray or DVD Tuesday, September 22. —RC)
Remember, no labor this weekend — unless you’re havin’ a baby. And even then, what’s the rush? That little baby’s got all the time in the world. Alright alright alright …
The Old Apartment (Barenaked Ladies)
You & Me & the Bottle Makes 3 Tonight (Baby) (Big Bad Voodoo Daddy)
Inside Out (Eve 6)
Jumper (Third Eye Blind)
Brimful of Asha (Cornershop)
Let’s Forget About It (Lisa Loeb)
Save Tonight (Eagle-Eye Cherry)
Kate (Ben Folds Five)
In Your Eyes (Jeffrey Gaines)
Walkin’ on the Sun (Smash Mouth)
Barely Breathing (Duncan Sheik)
Never Is a Promise (Fiona Apple)
Closing Time (Semisonic)
No Woman, No Cry (Wyclef Jean)
Never Tear Us Apart (INXS)