To fully enjoy the following piece of news from the mayor of Bootleg City, you must put on your 3-D glasses. And in order to be fully exploited by the 3-D movie experience, you must flush $15 down the toilet. Now, without further ado, Mayor Robert Cass …

Citizens of Bootleg City, I have an exciting announcement — a major motion picture is going to be filmed in our town! (Now would be a good time for a 3-D effect, so please take this opportunity to throw something at your face, or ask a small child to do it for you.)

I’m not allowed to say much about it until the contract’s been signed, but the Big-Time Hollywood Producer I talked to said our downtown area is “ready-made” for the bombed-out postapocalyptic setting of his movie. How great is that! (Now would be a good time to have an out-of-control car flip over several times and careen toward your head, but unless you have a note from your doctor or you’re a coward, don’t duck until you’ve gotten the full 3-D effect. Of course, if you’re reading this news on your cell phone while driving, you’ll have to settle for just being the driver of the out-of-control car.)

Here’s another golden nugget of gossip to whet your appetite: the film is a sci-fi romantic action thriller comedy starring Vin Diesel and Betty White! I don’t know if their characters will be romantically involved, or if Betty will turn out to be an alien who’s really just 19 years old on her home planet but is stuck in a 90-year-old’s body here on Earth, thereby confusing Vin’s character, who’s 40 years old and thus should be attracted to this teenager since that’s the logic most movies use when pairing up leading men and their love interests, but whatever the case, it’s gonna be awesome!

In the meantime, without having seen the script, I’m going to start pitching suggestions for the inevitable soundtrack album. Maybe I’ll even throw in a few of the artists featured on Y100 Sonic Sessions, Vol. 5, a collection of in-the-studio performances recorded at WPLY 100.3 FM in Philadelphia in 2001. (Now would be a good time to thank Matt Wardlaw for this bootleg, because he’s the one who provided it. Contrary to Internet rumors, he’s not a computer-generated image — Matt really is ten feet tall and enjoys wearing skimpy loincloths, just like the aliens in Avatar.)

I’ll have more details next week, but in case you’re wondering, extras will be needed, mostly for a scene in which Vin and Betty mow down dozens of zombielike creatures in their beat-up Dodge. As the Big-Time Hollywood Producer explained it, “Sure, we could do it with special effects or stuntmen, but I’m a cinema verité kinda guy.”

Imitation of Life (R.E.M.)
Drive (Incubus)
Island in the Sun (Weezer)
The Space Between (Dave Matthews Band)
Babylon (David Gray)
One Week (Barenaked Ladies)
Hanging by a Moment (Lifehouse)
Troll Doll Jingles (Jimmy Fallon)
Yellow (Coldplay)
Hey Pretty (Poe)
What It’s Like (Everlast)
Thank You (Dido)
Unified (G. Love & Special Sauce)
Sleepwalker (The Wallflowers)
Innocent (Fuel)
First Tube (Phish)
Overcome (Live)