Everyone except the mayoral candidates whose asses I’m totally going to kick on November 3, that is. On that note, here’s my final attack ad of the campaign season:
Last summer Matt Wardlaw was quoted as saying, “Taco Bell and I have a relationship that dates back to an infamous church youth group trip in the late ’80s.”
So what else is Matt Wardlaw not telling us that he already did tell us but not without it being taken out of context?
For starters, just last week Mr. Wardlaw told Mayor Robert Cass, “Not if you were the last immigrant grocer on Earth!” But why does Mr. Wardlaw hate immigrant grocers? And does he plan to molest them the way he molested 14 innocent Mexican-American tacos in 20 minutes back when Republicans were still in the White House?
On November 3, don’t vote for a molester of tacos or any other foods made by hardworking, minimum wage-earning, American Dream-having immigrants. Vote for Robert Cass. Vote for him for Mayor.
Paid for by the Committee to Re-elect a Mayor Who Isn’t Addicted to Vinyl or Any Other Mind-Altering Substance.
Start packing up your campaign headquarters, Mr. Wardlaw, Mr. Marley, and Mr. Byrne. Just like my last four years in office, this one’s gonna be a no-brainer. (I should probably use my prize money to hire a new speechwriter. Come to think of it, why does my current speechwriter keep mentioning prize money in my speeches? Was I supposed to get a check back in 2005 when I won the first time? Ed McMahon’s dead, so now what? Of all the luck …)
Remember, vote for your mayor on Tuesday. Vote “Yes!”
And speaking of Yes, this week’s bootleg is an audio rip of the prog-rock band’s 9012Live concert film (1985), directed by Steven Soderbergh four years before he made his first feature film, Sex, Lies, and Videotape. And speaking of sex, lies, and videotape, I’ve heard there’s a spicy Mexican combination plate featuring all three in Matt Wardlaw’s sordid past, but why don’t you ask him yourself, voters — I’m not one to spread gossip.
Once again, vote “Yes!” on Tuesday. But not for Wardlaw. Even though he’s the one giving you Yes. Vote “No!” for the Yes guy. (Please, try to keep up.)
The footage on 9012Live was recorded September 28-29, 1984, at Northlands Coliseum in Edmonton, Canada. I’m pretty fond of “City of Love” myself, because that’s how I like to think of Bootleg City. Of course, there’s not enough love for everybody here, which is why Matt, Bob, and David will be owners of lonely hearts come Tuesday.