Bottom Feeders: The Ass End of the ’80s, Part 6
Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 by Dave Steed
This has been an interesting trip so far. Since I’m talking about the songs that reached the Hot 100 but not the Top 40, I know there are some stinkers. But since I’m doing it in alphabetical order, I was really curious how the quality would turn out. We’ve had one really good week in post #1 and one pretty bad week in #4, but for the most part there’s been a good mix of hits and crap each week.
So, continuing with the story … it’s 2001 and I’ve completed what I originally set out to do — get a hard copy of every song to hit the Billboard Top 40 in the ‘80s. But that wasn’t enough for me, so I decided to expand my search to encompass the entire Hot 100.
This is the point where the real fun of collecting began. It wasn’t difficult at all to get the songs in the Top 40. But the songs we’re talking about in this series are a completely different story: approximately 4,230 songs hit the Hot 100 in the 1980s. Now, of course, having greatest-hits CDs and a ton of full albums meant I had a good start in my quest, but I quickly realized the rarer songs from the early ‘80s would have to be found on record, as many of them have never been issued on CD. I’m not made of money, so the challenge was not only to locate them but to do so on the cheap. Finding those bottom-of-the-chart Bananarama songs from last week was simple, but locating something like “Fools Like Me” by Lorenzo Lamas was not. The only format I wouldn’t accept was cassette, only because I had nothing to play them on.
So, over the next five years I scoured record shows and eBay for Dana Valery singles and Frank Stallone’s self-titled debut record. My then-girlfriend — now my wife — would get totally pissed at me as she came home every day to find a half-dozen packages blocking the door, but hey, it’s all for the love of the art, right?
Next week we’ll skip ahead to 2006 and talk about how I “finished” my quest. Until then let’s continue with artists whose names start with the letter B, as we look at the songs that made it into the lower three-fifths of the Billboard Hot 100 in the ’80s.
Band of Gold
“Love Songs Are Back Again” — 1984, #64 (download)
I detest these medley songs. I don’t know if they existed before the ‘80s, but the decade in question must have had the most. Stars on 45 were really to blame for the popularity of them, but there are at least another dozen or so by various artists that charted. There were two types: those that just sort of mixed the original songs together, and ones like “Love Songs Are Back Again,” where a medley of covers was presented. Both methods sucked. If I really wanted to hear all of these songs again I’d just listen to the originals. In any case, it’s not like “Love Songs” or any of the other popular medley songs were remade to sound like they belonged in the ‘80s.
Frank Barber Orchestra
“Hooked on Big Bands” — 1982, #61 (download)
Since I’m going in alphabetical order, it’s a complete coincidence that we have two of these proto-mash-up songs back-to-back. To me it’s just inexplicable how “Hooked” got any airplay at all. I’m not saying it isn’t a well-made song, but leave it out of my decade.
Bardeux
“Magic Carpet Ride” — 1988, #81 (download)
“I Love to Bass” — 1989, #68 (download)
Sorry, but “Magic Carpet Ride” is just one of those song titles you don’t choose unless you’re covering the Steppenwolf classic. This is no cover song, but it is seriously craptastic.
Bardeux went through three lineup changes in three years, but the most remarkable thing about them is that one of the original members, Tairrie B., recorded a gangsta-rap record in 1990 with Eazy-E. I’m not quite sure I would’ve seen that coming.
Bar-Kays
“Move Your Boogie Body” — 1980, #57 (download)
“Today Is the Day” — 1980, #60 (download)
“Freakshow on the Dance Floor” — 1984, #73 (download)
Band of Gold actually got higher on the charts than “Freakshow on the Dance Floor”? What was this world I was living in back then? My eight-year-old self would clearly have been able to figure out that there’s nothing that says ‘80s funk like being a freakshow on some dance floor. Although I’m not a big fan of the ballad “Today Is the Day,” both “Freakshow” and “Move Your Boogie Body” rank right up there with the best funk of the decade.
Jimmy Barnes
“Working Class Man” — 1986, #74 (download)
“Good Times” — 1987, #46 (download)
“Too Much Ain’t Enough Love” — 1988, #91 (download)
Jimmy Barnes was huge in Australia, both as a solo artist and with his band Cold Chisel. Supposedly he was a raging alcoholic and slept with over a thousand women. Now, supposedly this number was only a rumor, but how does that even come about? I’ve never been on tour with a billion groupies on me at all times, but that’s still a ridiculous amount of vajayjay. “Good Times” was an Easybeat cover recorded with his friends from INXS and used in the film The Lost Boys. Barnes worked with a lot of other superstars as well — Journey’s Jonathan Cain wrote “Working Class Man,” and Kim Carnes and Huey Lewis appeared on his records.
Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock
“Joy and Pain” — 1989, #58 (download)
Pump it up now. It’s hard to believe such a great song wasn’t a bigger hit, isn’t it?
Basia
“New Day for You” — 1988, #53 (download)
I actually like this song much better than Basia’s biggest hit, “Time and Tide.” This was considered contemporary jazz, a field which I am admittedly not too knowledgeable about. However, every time I listen to “New Day for You” I hear a lot of Sade in it, and since she was quite jazzy herself, I can understand where the label comes from.
Toni Basil
“Shoppin’ From A to Z” — 1983, #77 (download)
“Over My Head” — 1984, #81 (download)
I’m so excited to be talking about “Shoppin’ From A to Z” already. This is Shit Sandwich #1 on my 80 Worst of the ‘80s countdown over at Bastard Radio. It definitely seems like a good portion of people have no idea that Toni Basil did anything after “Mickey,” which is a terrible song too. If you listen to nothing else from this week’s installment of Bottom Feeders, enrich your day by listening to a chorus of people scream Toni’s shopping list one by one from A to Z. As if this doesn’t sound lame enough to begin with, some of the items are recited by just one person the second time through, which leads to such awkward moments as a dude trying to sound like he’s barking the words “dog food” and a breathy woman saying “nuts.” But the two moments that really make this the worst tune of the entire decade are the letter Z, for which Toni shops for zippers, and the letter X, for which she shops for … well, nothing. First of all, there’s never been one occasion where I’ve visited the same store to pick up onions, tuna, and zippers. And secondly, the part with the letter X just bothers the bejesus out of me; seriously, the thing she’s shopping for here is “nothing.” How many people did it take to put this track together and not one of them at any point said to themselves, “Well, we can’t think of any foods for X and Z so maybe we just shouldn’t do this fucking train wreck”! Or at least point out to Toni that she’s shopping from A to Z minus X. If you’re going to use “zipper” as a choice, then “xylophone” could’ve been worked in somehow. I’m sure there are many more noncharting songs that are worse, but this dark brown stain on society was actually played by a DJ or three. Therefore it grabs the top spot for me as the worst song of the ‘80s.
The Beach Boys
“Goin’ On” — 1980, #53 (download)
“It’s Getting Late” — 1985, #82 (download)
“Rock ‘n Roll to the Rescue” — 1986, #68 (download)
“California Dreamin’” — 1986, #57 (download)
“Still Cruisin’” — 1989, #93 (download)
I have to admit there are some pretty bad tunes in this week’s post, so what’s five more, right? I’m not going to lie — the Beach Boys were a group I just never understood. Surf rock never interested me, but no matter what their sound was, to this day I can’t understand liking a group that recycled the same damn song their entire career (okay, so I can understand — I like AC/DC). Are all these songs different in some way? Well, sure, I’d be silly to say they aren’t. But when I listen to them I hear exactly the same thing over and over again. All five of them are pretty sad, but “Still Cruisin’” completely takes the cake.
Beastie Boys
“Brass Monkey” — 1987, #48 (download)
At least we get to end on a high note. I know what you’re saying right now: “This douchebag claims the Beach Boys suck but he likes the Beastie Boys?” Hey, at least the Beasties were pretty damn unique for the time. How can you not love a sequence like “This girl walked by, she gave me the eye / I reached into the locker, grabbed the Spanish Fly / I put it with the monkey, mixed it in the cup / Went over to the girl — yo, baby, what’s up?”
That’s it for this week, my friends. Twenty more songs from the bottom of the charts next week, including some from a critically praised jazz guitarist and a recent Nine Inch Nails collaborator. Until then bring up Toni Basil on your iPod the next time you hit the supermarket and see if you can locate the nothing for her.
Popularity: 18% [?]
Tags: Band of Gold, Bar-Kays, Bardeux, Basia, Beach Boys, Beastie Boys, Bottom Feeders, Dave Steed, Frank Barber Orchestra, Jimmy Barnes, Rob Base, Toni Basil
Late to the party as usual but I thought this cross-section was kinda interesting for the in-roads in rap. I don't think I would've guessed after going through college in the early 90s where you couldn't go to a party without hearing "Joy and Pain" or "Brass Monkey" or likely both, that they'd done so miserably on the charts when they first came out.
Does anyone remember Toni Basil was one of the Mardi Gras LSD bettys in "Easy Rider?"
That puts her cheerleader act in "Mickey" in a whole new light for us closet biker boys.
"Shopping" is so brutal.
Also thanks for the Bar-Kays stuff, I did not have 2 of those cuts. Even though it was slightly buried under the cheezy '80s synth-mix those guys still brung the funk with "Boogie Body."
Hey, what's with all the Basil bashing ? Toni was avant garde, cool and cheesy all at the same time. So she was perfect for the 80's. Mickey & AtoZ are great guilty pleasures and that's what they're supposed to be. If you're expecting more than that then you're taking it WAY too seriously and missing the entire point about what makes them so groovy.
And if you think Toni's songs were the worst stuff from the 80's then you haven't heard much 80's music. You can spit and hit MUCH worse stuff.
I agree with DJ D, and "Shopping" sounds like a children's song more than anything else. I can imagine a hip kindergarten teacher in 1983 supplementing her students' learning of the alphabet with this song.
I can imagine the same students going on a gun totin' school rampage a decade later.
Basia... I read this post this AM, then went out to do some shopping. Trying on sneaks at The Sporting Consortium, and "New Day for You" came on. COINCIDENCE? I don't THI... well, yes actually.
I was reluctantly listening to a smooth jazz station at work a couple months ago (boss had stereo rights) and the DJ says, in his Tesh-y way, "That's right y'all, you heard me. It's finished. The new album from Basia." as if it were the Beatles reuniting.
I snorted, got glared at, then had to back pedal and explain that actually I have a couple of Basia albums and Hey Put Down That Umbrella AIIEEEEE.
If you have ever worked a job featuring Muzak, you're way, way, WAY familiar with Basia SomethingPolishHardToPronounce. You're also familiar with the incomprehensibility of her lyrics at times... F'rinstance...
Baby, you're mine
You are blowing my mind
We are two of a kind
Baby, (you'll be? Yuri? Youee? Whooeee?) be mine!
Still, it was easier to take than the 10,000th playing of the Will To Power "Baby, I Love Your Way / Freebird" medley.
Jimmy Barnes has an amazing voice, but never had the songs to take advantage of it.
Wow, this is quite the festival of suck.
The medley craze (cue the shameless self-promotion: I wrote about it at http://jabartlett.wordpress.com/2007/06/27/530/) was one of the strangest fads I can recall. As rock was needed to kill off early 50s pop pap, and as the British Invasion was needed to kill off early 60s fabricated teen-idol crap, perhaps MTV was needed to kill whatever impulse made people think medleys were a good idea.
Haha. I'm figuring there are 6 good tunes in this field of 20? And maybe that's being generous too. Nice article - thanks for the link. I'm glad most of them went Top 40 as I won't have to discuss them. The Medley and the cover song that's clearly worse than the original are my two biggest pain points.
“Move Your Boogie Body” has just given me a brain freeze headache
Like, Omigod! You'd think Basil and her shouty chorus might have at least put an ironic pause before "Nothing!", but I guess ironic pauses and doing the pogo are mutually exclusive.
That "Love Songs are Back Again" medley is truly excruciating. I mean, for crying out loud, at least Stars On gave imitating the original artists a decent shot. As for "Hooked on Big Bands," isn't the opening to "In the Mood" irresistible enough that, even in the early '80s, it could push a record up the charts...at least as high as #61? I will say one thing about medleys: Yes, they were almost all horrible, but at least the trend gave us "Squabs on Forty Fab."
I have it on pretty good authority that you can get X-acto knives at the grocery store. However, X-acto is a brand name, like Band-Aid, and that meant Toni would've needed to pay for rights... Which she didn't... Which makes the song horrible AND makes Toni a cheapskate.
My wife was stoked to see "Shoppin' from A to Z" on this week's list. She thinks it's funny. Anyone laugh, and I'm kicking your ass.
That Beach Boys cover of "California Dreaming" was so dreary. Luckily, Dead Milkmen made fun of it a year later in their song "Punk Rock Girl."
Bardeux. God, I had forgotten all about them. Damn you, Dave.
I have a "trilogy" of bad 80s songs - those three songs are all in my worst of the 80s list and they go together because they are so unintentionally hilarious that they completely stand out from all the other crap. Those other two will be coming in future posts.
Add me to the list of folks who loves The Beastie Boys (although it took me something like ten years to actually appreciate "Licensed To Ill") and doesn't really *get* The Beach Boys (although I bought "Pet Sounds" and like it a lot, I'm not terribly curious about exploring further beyond a hits compilation).
Man, I'm tempted to listen to "Shopping From A To Z" (and see the video), but I'm afraid of how bad it's gonna be. I will say, though, that "Over My Head" is a great song. Better than "Mickey", in my opinion. Aw, damn it, I'm off to Youtube to search for the video. Anything featuring Rerun and potato chips has got to be good.
Tairrie B!!! I thought I was the only person on Earth who remembered this woman!! She made records before she was the first white female gangsta rapper?!?! Awesome!!!
Never consciously heard "It's Getting Late" by the Beach Boys before but it's pretty exceptional for what it is ... I remember that 1985 comeback album was supposed to be a big deal but it kind of fell apart as a joke, which is when they went to full-on nostalgia minus Brian.
Toni Basil was almost 40 when she became a one-hit wonder, never seemed like she was trying to be taken seriously in the pop medium--the idea of her then using that opportunity to try for real, via "Over My Head", should be recognized as a Warholian pop art gesture.
I think the version of "I Love to Bass" you have there was the single version, "I Love the Bass" ... there was an issue with the freebasing connotation, hence the title change. The producer was the same guy who brought you Stacey Q.
You know Scrumble - I think you are right. In this song the word "the" and "to" sound very similar to me - I just listened again and I still can't really tell which one it is. I'll have to go back and listen to the album version tonight and see if I can tell the difference. Not sure if I've ever put the two versions on back to back.
2 things to add about "Shoppin' A to Z":
*The song is awful, but Rerun from What's Happenin' freak dancing around a supermarket while eating potato chips in the video is kinda awesome.
*I bought the 45 when I was a kid and the sleeve was made out of brown craft paper with ridges at the top to simulate a grocery bag.
Aw damn, here again is something I must own. I'll have to go searching for the original sleeve now! At least one thing was creative about it.
Hey Steed-
I had to see it again for myself--found it on this link:
http://www.netsoundsmusic.com/nsudsii/2/3423584...
Enjoy-
Retro DO
The bag sleeve is kinda neat, but did we need Toni aiming her bad news into space like that??
That is kind of neat....that's definitely something for me to add! Thanks for the link.
Dave,
To get you out of your Beach Boys stereotype-ing, you need to listen to the albums they made between 1966 and 1973 (Pet Sounds, Smiley Smile Friends, WIld Honey, Sunflower, Surf's Up, Holland) and 1977's "The Beach Boys Love You". A lot of Bacharch influenced pop, blue-eyed soul, classic rock, and weird experimentation on those records. Very little like their classic hits, and really surprising to those who have been raised on the Mike Love-led oldies act. Also, check out "Brian Wilson Presents Smile" from 2004 to see what the group could have become.
Smiley Smile and Friends and two separate albums....damn commas.
I've heard Pet Sounds and Surf's Up all the way through - obviously I can't even compare Pet Sounds to anything from the 80s but even that wasn't that thrilling to me. However, I'm always up for a challenge, so I'll go back and listen to at least a few of these and see if my opinion has changed at all.
I remember reading in the newspaper that Toni Basil's follow-up to "Mickey" (guilty pleasure) was to be "Shoppin' from A to Z." I thought to myself, "Now that's going to be an awfully long song." Thank God I never heard it. So should I click your link and hear it after 25 years? I'm tempted...
Dude. You must. And you absolutely have to listen to it until the end. It will put a smile on your face!