Apologies for the long delay between transmissions — we fell into a black hole in the 1980th Dimension and wound up in the VEVO galaxy, where our ship was captured by the nefarious Darth Doug Morris. We thought we were done for, but once he started shouting about illegal downloading and second quarter streaming royalty rates, we hit the hyperspace thrust rockets and got the hell out of there.
It was a scary ordeal, but it wasn’t all bad: as our ship pulled away from Darth Morris’ tractor beam and the stars did that neat spots-to-lines thing like with the Millennium Falcon in Star Wars, we discovered a dusty VHS cassette in the hold. It was covered with a sticky layer of old Aqua Net, but we eventually got it to play — and we’re awfully glad we did, because it contained the ridiculous video for the 1985 Klymaxx single “Meeting the Ladies Room.”
The second hit (and title track) from the R&B sextet’s fourth album, “Meeting in the Ladies Room” is all kinds of ’80s; despite the fact that Klymaxx was an actual band whose members all played actual instruments, the entire song sounds battery-powered, right down to Bernadette Cooper’s robotic delivery on the verses (on the other hand, you’ve got to admire her for being able to keep a straight face for lines like “There’s a hunk of a man I done left behind” and “Somebody’s rockin’ my man”). It sounds like something that might have been left off the Footloose soundtrack, but dated production aside, it’s pretty catchy — largely thanks to the insistently catchy chorus, repeated what feels like thousands of times.
The video, though? CAPTAIN VIDEO! say damn. If you think the song is overloaded with ’80s kitsch, dear Videots, you need to see this clip. But first, a few highlights:
Perhaps unsurprisingly, spelling was not Klymaxx’s strong point. Unless CAPTAIN VIDEO! is misunderstanding the song, and it’s really about a meeting in a room owned by someone named Ladie, someone really should have caught this. The ’80s — the decade of the neon typo!
The first of the video’s many tragic fashion displays. Which is your favorite — the spotted half-sweater with fanny pack combo, or the mom-jean-tailored pants and tiny jacket with giant shoulder pads ensemble?
It’s possible that the ruins in the background are the director’s way of commenting on Cooper’s ruined hair, but probably not.
So, if you’ve ever listened to the lyrics to “Meeting in the Ladies Room” — and CAPTAIN VIDEO! doesn’t blame you if you haven’t — you know the song is about a no-nonsense lady who’s trying to enjoy herself at the club, but she keeps getting interference from all these other bitches who keep messing with her man! Well, this is the part of the video where we meet the guy in the equation, but nothing about it makes sense. Why is he popping and locking while seated at what looks like a Bowflex crossed with a Lite Brite? What happened to his hair? And why is he in the ladie’s room, anyway?
You don’t read much about it today, but cocaine blindness was a major problem in the ’80s. Observe.
Yeah, they’re fighting over this guy.
In case you were wondering what Gumby and Pokey were up to in 1985, here’s your answer.
Tragedy abounds. How did this happen, dear Videots? CAPTAIN VIDEO! is certain no one who was in this video remembers enough of the shoot to provide us with a satisfactory answer — we can only be thankful that it’s been preserved for posterity so we can gaze upon it, wipe the tears from our eyes, and promise: Never again.