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Friday, January 9th, 2009

Adventures Through the Mines of Mellow Gold 49

by Jason Hare

Great news, everybody! Adventures Through the Mines of Mellow Gold is back!

McD-tastic!

Or, alternately:

Awful news, everybody! Adventures Through the Mines of Mellow Gold is back!

McD-tastic!

The point is: like it or not, we’re back and planning on bringing you more of the lamest, pansy-assiest music from that magical period in the ’70s and ’80s when everybody seemed to misplace their nutsacks.  My hope is to do this once a month (after doing weekly MG postings in ‘07, I found I could no longer sustain an erection), and now that I’ve written it on the Internet, it must be true, right?

Anyway, so away we go!  Let’s see.  I have a nice big Mellow Gold playlist here on iTunes.  I’ll just close my eye and point my mouse at a track, and…

Aw, shit.  Nigel Olsson? What the hell is he doing on here?  Isn’t he just the guy who plays drums in Elton John’s band with the headphones and white gloves and looks like the spawn of David Cassidy and the Cryptkeeper?

Okay, I looked back, and it seems like we can blame a reader named John Anselmo for today’s post, as he suggested Olsson’s one song that cracked the Top 20.  Let me see if I can find his address and we can torch his house.  Kidding, kidding.  Actually, I will defend John’s suggestion, because the song in question fits quite well into the Mellow Gold genre (did we decide if Mellow Gold was a genre?).  It fits so well, actually, that I often hear it, think “this is perfect for Mellow Gold,” promptly forget about it, and then repeat the process.  Wussy, yet utterly forgettable?  I don’t think it could be any more appropriate for this series.

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Tuesday, December 9th, 2008

The Ninth Day of Mellowmas: Fats?

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

Happy ninth day of Mellowmas! Today, we’re sad to say that we’re skewering a truly brilliant artist: none other than Fats Domino. We really didn’t want to, but…well, you’ll see.

Jason: Jeff, I know you’re wondering why I picked this track.

Jeff: Well, yeah.

Jason: I mean, Fats Domino?

Jeff: Fats Domino is a legend.

Jason: He is.

Jeff: Thirty-seven Top 40 singles!

Jason: A brilliant piano player. A fine, fine musician.

Jeff: The man too tough for Katrina to beat!

Jason: A real rootsy musician.

Jeff: A humanitarian, even.

Jason: Go ahead. Start the track.

Fats Domino — Frosty the Snowman (download)

From Christmas is a Special Day (formerly Christmas Gumbo)  Amazon iTunes

Jeff: Hmm. There seems to be some kind of mistake.

Jason: Hey, we have Fats Domino in the studio! I know what we’ll do! We’ll have him sing to a DRUM MACHINE!

Jeff: And take away his piano!

Jason: SERIOUSLY! I mean, the horns are real, so we have that. But that’s about it.

Jeff: Are we sure this is Fats Domino?

Jason: It is! His vocal is okay. He sounds a bit like Shirley Q. Liquor, but the vocal’s not bad. I’m just appalled that they gave him this idiotic track.

Jeff: Ha ha ha! Shirley Q. Liquor!

Jason: I mean, it’s Fats Domino! Show some fucking respect, you know?

Jeff: Damn straight!

Jason: I mean, the bass part is right off a Casio.

Jeff: This is bullshit.

Jason: I agree.

Jeff: I blame Daryl Dragon.

Jason: Fats deserves better, doesn’t he? I just found a blog post where people just gush over this track. How can you gush over this track?

Jeff: This is one of the lamest versions of this song I have ever heard, and it’s a pretty lame song to begin with.

Jeff: I think I found the post you’re talking about. “The Fat Man Plays It Smooth for Frosty.”

Jason: That’s the one.

Jeff: “A nice, gently funky groove”?

Jason: And the version they have there is a bit different. It’s in a different key with a different intro, but the track is exactly the same. Which means either that guy’s version is slow or ours is fast. But the backing track remains the same.

Jeff: I haven’t found any other information.

Jason: I never thought this day would come — a day when a respected, genius artist like Fats Domino would wind up being part of Mellowmas. I’m getting angrier and angrier by the minute. Who produced this? What did Fats ever do to these guys? Can we light their house on fire?

Jeff:Perhaps it’s best if we listen to anything else by Fats Domino.

Jason: Even if it’s not Christmas.

Jeff: Absolutely. I’d rather hear Richie Cunningham singing “Blueberry Hill” at this point.

Oh my God, look at this.

Jason: Wow. It gets stellar reviews! Released in ‘93?

Jeff: One commenter describes it as “chocolate frosting on an already yummy musical cake,” or something like that. Fats has awful, awful fans.

Jason: Am I crazy here? Be honest. Because everybody seems to love this, and I don’t get it. I mean, where’s the PIANO?

Jeff: I’ve had it on a loop since we started talking about it, and I’m probably not the best person to judge anyone’s sanity at this point. I’m terribly disillusioned.

Jason: Yeah, I know.

Jeff: Fats cut an entire Christmas album, and this was on it. He must have wanted to do it.

Jason: I’m sorry. I didn’t want to do this to you. Or anybody else.
I love Fats.

Jeff: Well, look at the bright side — everyone else will probably love it.

Jason: Okay. So if our readers love it, are you going to jump to their side or are you standing strong with me on the “what the shit is this?” side?

Jeff: It just started in my headphones again. I’m definitely standing strong. This sucks.

Jason: Thank you. Hippity hop hop.

Jeff: I hope you had massive gambling debts, Fats. Or were behind on your child support payments or something. ANYTHING.

Jason: I’m afraid the reason was like, “I love Christmas, and I think the technology in some of these new 48-note Casios is just stunning.”

Jeff: Sigh

Jason: Or “I love Christmas, and I thought, who needs real drums? Or bass? Or piano?” I’m just sad now.

Jeff: It’s starting again.

Jason: I’m going back to watching a video of “Ain’t That a Shame.”

Jeff: I’m going to claw my headphones off and go lie down for awhile. Thanks for passing this along, you fucker.

Jason: Hippity hop hop, buddy.

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Wednesday, August 20th, 2008

Bottom Feeders: The Ass End of the ’80s, Part 21

by Dave Steed

It’s amazing sometimes to see how music brings the world together.

I was food shopping with my wife last week and “867-5309/Jenny” by Tommy Tutone was playing in the store. Even though I’m not a big fan of most of the larger hits of the ’80s, it was the only song that caught my ear the entire time I was there. After the song ended, I found myself whistling it through the next few aisles. About five minutes later, this goth-looking dude with a ton of tattoos passed me and was singing the chorus. Not long after that I passed a couple that had to be in their 70s, and the old man was repeating the famous phone number to his wife. So, at least five minutes after “867-5309″ was over, there was me, a goth kid, and an old man all still being entertained by it. Somewhere the guys from Tommy Tutone are smiling.

NEW SOUNDS FOR THE COLLECTION:
Riot, Restless Breed
Accept, Metal Heart
Europe, Wings of Tomorrow
Johnny Gill, Johnny Gill
Axe, Offering

This week we look at the final nine artists whose names begin with the letter C as we give you 15 more Bottom Feeders from the Billboard Hot 100 chart in the ’80s.

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Tuesday, August 5th, 2008

Song-Off: Having a Rock and Roll Heart

by Popdose Staff

Eric Clapton – “I’ve Got a Rock and Roll Heart”

Dave: Did Clapton have to record this to pay back the writers for lending him money for blow? This record is such a piece of dogshit that a couple of Phil Collins-produced records and selling out to Michelob were considered a “return to form.” And that lyric “I get off on screaming guitars” would be horrible even if the guitar lick actually, you know, screamed. Maybe the problem was that he was too busy removing his dick from the tailpipe of a ‘57 Chevy to realize his tone sucked.

Scott: What do you have against a man and his masturbatory habits, David? When Clapton recorded this song, he’d kicked drugs for the first time; he needed something to get his rocks off. Still, this song isn’t that bad. It’s an natural extension of the drug fueled reggae influenced shuffles he churned out in the 70’s, except this time he was sober. Maybe “I get off” was a bad selection of words, but when you look at the charts from 1983 (Men at Work, Human League, Culture Club) who the hell expected this song to be a hit? Certainly not Clapton. The look of his face on the cover of “Money and Cigarettes” tells it all: “I don’t give a shit. I’m Eric Clapton.” I’m sure some dumb ass exec enthusiastically told him that this song was a bona fide hit. To which Clapton most likely replied, “Fuck it, ya poofter, release whatever god damn song you want. I’m ERIC FUCKING CLAPTON! Now bring me a Trans Am, I’m through with that saggy old Chevy.” Seriously, the song’s obviously a throwaway that became a fluke hit. How else do you explain him selling his soul to the devil and teaming up with Phil Collins?
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Monday, August 4th, 2008

Political Culture: John McCain, Coward

by Jon Cummings

“Napoleon once said, when asked to explain the lack of great statesmen in the world, that to get power you need to display absolute pettiness. To exercise power, you need to show true greatness. Such pettiness and such greatness are rarely found in one person. I look upon the events of the past weeks, and I’ve never come so to grips with that quotation … Your leadership has raised the stakes of hate to a level where we can no longer separate the demagogue from the truly inspired.”
–President Jackson Evans (Jeff Bridges) in The Contender (2000)

Rod Lurie’s political films remind me of a college professor whose classes I simultaneously loved and hated: you had to sort through a lot of annoying bullshit to get to the brilliant insight at the end. (I figure I’m going to pay for that sentence in the comments section. Have at it!) Nevertheless, I happened to catch the last 15 minutes of The Contender on the tube Sunday morning, right after John Kerry nearly bitch-slapped the utterly deserving Joe Lieberman on Meet the Press, and that quarter-hour (like Lieberman’s performance) fairly reeked of the colossal stench John McCain’s campaign has been emitting for the past couple weeks.

In particular, the last line from Bridges’s speech begs to be viewed in the context of this presidential race. The Republican Party’s entire modus operandi, in the absence of any ideas that resonate with the American people, is now to render the electorate incapable of “separat[ing] the demagogue from the truly inspired.”

McCain once promised that things were going to be different this time. In April he said, point blank, “This will be a respectful campaign. Americans want a respectful campaign … they’re tired of the attacks. They’re tired of impugning people’s character and integrity. They want a respectful campaign — and I am of the firm belief that they can get it and they will get it if the American people demand it, and reject the negative stuff that goes on.”

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Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008

Adventures Through the Mines of Mellow Gold: Paul Davis Edition

by Jason Hare

As you may know, Mellow Gold hero Paul Davis died yesterday from a heart attack at the age of 60. Davis was the focus of one of the first Adventures Through the Mines of Mellow Gold posts on jasonhare.com; in tribute (albeit snarky tribute), we repost today. -JH

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We’ll talk about Paul Davis: The Man, The Myth, The Gentle in a minute. First, let’s get into the music.

Paul Davis – I Go Crazy (download)

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Wednesday, February 13th, 2008

Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold 48

by Jason Hare

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Rumors of the death of Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold have been greatly exaggerated. You know the old saying, friends: once a wuss, always a wuss. But you know how it goes. You listen to nothing but mellow music for a whole year, you end up in therapy, and who’s there to pay the bill? Benny Mardones? I think not. He has problems of his own. So you can expect this mellow tradition to continue here on Popdose, albeit at a slower pace.

Today, though, I’m unbelievably excited to share with you a Mellow Gold gem, but one with a twist. Forget about the subservient male; today’s artist cares little for the feelings of the fairer of the sexes, and is damn proud of it. (more…)

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Wednesday, October 31st, 2007

Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold 47

by Jason Hare

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I know, I know: where the hell have I been? Where the hell is your Mellow fix? I understand your pain, and I thank you for your continued patience as I try to see if there’s life beyond crappy music. But we have a MELLOW RED ALERT on our hands, people, and I need to bring it to your attention, like, yesterday.

Eagles – I Don’t Want To Hear Anymore (download)

That’s right! Mellow Gold, 2007 style, bitches! And grab this one quick, ’cause Irving Azoff is going to be banging on my door in about twenty seconds. This one comes from the brand-spankin’-new release, Long Road Out Of Firing Felder Eden. I don’t even have the album yet – we don’t believe in Wal-Mart in New York City – but at 6:45 this morning, my main man Jeff contacted me and insisted that I hear this track as soon as possible. And I knew he was onto something, because as I listened, my wife called out from the other room.

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Wednesday, September 19th, 2007

Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold 46

by Jason Hare

No worries, everybody: I may slow down, but I can’t quit the Mellow.

Dan Fogelberg & Tim Weisberg – The Power Of Gold (download)

(A word before I start: I am aware that Dan Fogelberg has cancer. Last year during Mellowmas, a Fogelberg fan (Fogelfan?) gave Jeff and I some shit for ripping on “Same Old Lang Syne” simply on the basis that he was sick. It goes without saying that I wouldn’t wish any kind of cancer on anyone, and I wish him all the best as he continues his path towards recovery. That being said, I’m sure Dan – or any artist – would not expect their music to be treated (or reviewed) any differently because of this. And therefore, I see no problem with tackling “The Power Of Gold.” If you do, by all means, stop here.)

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Friday, September 14th, 2007

I’ve Never Been To Ron Miller

by Jason Hare

One of our readers, Shawn, has pointed me over to his blog where he’s posted the extremely rare demo of Charlene’s "I’ve Never Been To Me," covered back in Mellow Gold #26.  The demo is by the song’s original writer, Ron Miller (who apparently died this summer).  Take a listen over at Music In Me.

My mouth dropped when I heard this deep, lower-than-Barry-White voice essentially growl the lyrics.  By the end of the song, I wanted to commit suicide.  Thanks, Shawn, for the link!

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