It’s amazing sometimes to see how music brings the world together.

I was food shopping with my wife last week and “867-5309/Jenny” by Tommy Tutone was playing in the store. Even though I’m not a big fan of most of the larger hits of the ’80s, it was the only song that caught my ear the entire time I was there. After the song ended, I found myself whistling it through the next few aisles. About five minutes later, this goth-looking dude with a ton of tattoos passed me and was singing the chorus. Not long after that I passed a couple that had to be in their 70s, and the old man was repeating the famous phone number to his wife. So, at least five minutes after “867-5309″ was over, there was me, a goth kid, and an old man all still being entertained by it. Somewhere the guys from Tommy Tutone are smiling.

NEW SOUNDS FOR THE COLLECTION:
Riot, Restless Breed
Accept, Metal Heart
Europe, Wings of Tomorrow
Johnny Gill, Johnny Gill
Axe, Offering

This week we look at the final nine artists whose names begin with the letter C as we give you 15 more Bottom Feeders from the Billboard Hot 100 chart in the ’80s.

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Eric Clapton - “I’ve Got a Rock and Roll Heart”

Dave: Did Clapton have to record this to pay back the writers for lending him money for blow? This record is such a piece of dogshit that a couple of Phil Collins-produced records and selling out to Michelob were considered a “return to form.” And that lyric “I get off on screaming guitars” would be horrible even if the guitar lick actually, you know, screamed. Maybe the problem was that he was too busy removing his dick from the tailpipe of a ‘57 Chevy to realize his tone sucked.

Scott: What do you have against a man and his masturbatory habits, David? When Clapton recorded this song, he’d kicked drugs for the first time; he needed something to get his rocks off. Still, this song isn’t that bad. It’s an natural extension of the drug fueled reggae influenced shuffles he churned out in the 70’s, except this time he was sober. Maybe “I get off” was a bad selection of words, but when you look at the charts from 1983 (Men at Work, Human League, Culture Club) who the hell expected this song to be a hit? Certainly not Clapton. The look of his face on the cover of “Money and Cigarettes” tells it all: “I don’t give a shit. I’m Eric Clapton.” I’m sure some dumb ass exec enthusiastically told him that this song was a bona fide hit. To which Clapton most likely replied, “Fuck it, ya poofter, release whatever god damn song you want. I’m ERIC FUCKING CLAPTON! Now bring me a Trans Am, I’m through with that saggy old Chevy.” Seriously, the song’s obviously a throwaway that became a fluke hit. How else do you explain him selling his soul to the devil and teaming up with Phil Collins?
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“Napoleon once said, when asked to explain the lack of great statesmen in the world, that to get power you need to display absolute pettiness. To exercise power, you need to show true greatness. Such pettiness and such greatness are rarely found in one person. I look upon the events of the past weeks, and I’ve never come so to grips with that quotation … Your leadership has raised the stakes of hate to a level where we can no longer separate the demagogue from the truly inspired.”
–President Jackson Evans (Jeff Bridges) in The Contender (2000)

Rod Lurie’s political films remind me of a college professor whose classes I simultaneously loved and hated: you had to sort through a lot of annoying bullshit to get to the brilliant insight at the end. (I figure I’m going to pay for that sentence in the comments section. Have at it!) Nevertheless, I happened to catch the last 15 minutes of The Contender on the tube Sunday morning, right after John Kerry nearly bitch-slapped the utterly deserving Joe Lieberman on Meet the Press, and that quarter-hour (like Lieberman’s performance) fairly reeked of the colossal stench John McCain’s campaign has been emitting for the past couple weeks.

In particular, the last line from Bridges’s speech begs to be viewed in the context of this presidential race. The Republican Party’s entire modus operandi, in the absence of any ideas that resonate with the American people, is now to render the electorate incapable of “separat[ing] the demagogue from the truly inspired.”

McCain once promised that things were going to be different this time. In April he said, point blank, “This will be a respectful campaign. Americans want a respectful campaign … they’re tired of the attacks. They’re tired of impugning people’s character and integrity. They want a respectful campaign — and I am of the firm belief that they can get it and they will get it if the American people demand it, and reject the negative stuff that goes on.”

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As you may know, Mellow Gold hero Paul Davis died yesterday from a heart attack at the age of 60. Davis was the focus of one of the first Adventures Through the Mines of Mellow Gold posts on jasonhare.com; in tribute (albeit snarky tribute), we repost today. -JH

We’ll talk about Paul Davis: The Man, The Myth, The Gentle in a minute. First, let’s get into the music.

Paul Davis - I Go Crazy (download)

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Rumors of the death of Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold have been greatly exaggerated. You know the old saying, friends: once a wuss, always a wuss. But you know how it goes. You listen to nothing but mellow music for a whole year, you end up in therapy, and who’s there to pay the bill? Benny Mardones? I think not. He has problems of his own. So you can expect this mellow tradition to continue here on Popdose, albeit at a slower pace.

Today, though, I’m unbelievably excited to share with you a Mellow Gold gem, but one with a twist. Forget about the subservient male; today’s artist cares little for the feelings of the fairer of the sexes, and is damn proud of it. (more…)

I know, I know: where the hell have I been? Where the hell is your Mellow fix? I understand your pain, and I thank you for your continued patience as I try to see if there’s life beyond crappy music. But we have a MELLOW RED ALERT on our hands, people, and I need to bring it to your attention, like, yesterday.

Eagles - I Don’t Want To Hear Anymore (download)

That’s right! Mellow Gold, 2007 style, bitches! And grab this one quick, ’cause Irving Azoff is going to be banging on my door in about twenty seconds. This one comes from the brand-spankin’-new release, Long Road Out Of Firing Felder Eden. I don’t even have the album yet - we don’t believe in Wal-Mart in New York City - but at 6:45 this morning, my main man Jeff contacted me and insisted that I hear this track as soon as possible. And I knew he was onto something, because as I listened, my wife called out from the other room.

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No worries, everybody: I may slow down, but I can’t quit the Mellow.

Dan Fogelberg & Tim Weisberg - The Power Of Gold (download)

(A word before I start: I am aware that Dan Fogelberg has cancer. Last year during Mellowmas, a Fogelberg fan (Fogelfan?) gave Jeff and I some shit for ripping on “Same Old Lang Syne” simply on the basis that he was sick. It goes without saying that I wouldn’t wish any kind of cancer on anyone, and I wish him all the best as he continues his path towards recovery. That being said, I’m sure Dan - or any artist - would not expect their music to be treated (or reviewed) any differently because of this. And therefore, I see no problem with tackling “The Power Of Gold.” If you do, by all means, stop here.)

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One of our readers, Shawn, has pointed me over to his blog where he’s posted the extremely rare demo of Charlene’s "I’ve Never Been To Me," covered back in Mellow Gold #26.  The demo is by the song’s original writer, Ron Miller (who apparently died this summer).  Take a listen over at Music In Me.

My mouth dropped when I heard this deep, lower-than-Barry-White voice essentially growl the lyrics.  By the end of the song, I wanted to commit suicide.  Thanks, Shawn, for the link!

America - You Can Do Magic (download)

America has received the Mellow Gold treatment here before: who can forget good old MG #38 and the The Sixth Day Of Mellowmas?  So while I don’t have to supply you with any history on the two main men of America - Gerry Buckley and Dewey Bunnell - I do maintain that "You Can Do Magic" deserves its own entry.  There are various reasons why, and they’re apparent from the minute the song begins.  Take a listen, won’t you?  Those wimpy drums, reminiscent of Robbie Dupree’s "Steal Away," let us know exactly what what’s in store: gentle, gentle rocking.  I mean, you can’t actually have a real rocker if Gerry Buckley’s going to sing.  His enunciation and vocal quality just screams whispers "I’m meek!"  And take a listen to those smooth harmonies!  The piano!  The triangle!  The frickin’ triangle, ferchrissakes!  It’s weak.  Weeeeeaaaak.

And yet, "You Can Do Magic" is the most daring single ever released by America.  Why?  Because of its harsh language, of course.  You know what I’m talking about.  It’s the second part of the chorus.  That one line that pierces through all of us, thanks to the filthy, filthy mouth of Gerry Buckley.

- FIN -

Of course, this never happened.  (Shocked, aren’t you?)  In reality, "You Can Do Magic" was written by Russ Ballard, former leader of Argent (he left before "Hold Your Head Up") and writer of songs such as "God Gave Rock And Roll To You" and Rainbow’s totally awesome "Since You’ve Been Gone."  He also wrote and performed on some Roger Daltrey solo albums, but won’t admit to it even if you put a gun to his head.  Anyway, here’s how it all went down:  America manager Jim Morey was well aware that the band was fading fast; their last album, Alibi, was their third American hitless release, and peaked at #142.  Morey contacted Ballard, who had written a song for Alibi, and asked him for a few more, since clearly Beckley and Bunnell weren’t cuttin’ it.  Ballard gave the band a song called "Jody," and this one.  The duo heard the demo and knew instantly it was perfect for the group.  As Bunnell said, "There wasn’t a doubt in our minds that that was the single, and if that didn’t make it, then something was really wrong."

Ballard flew over to Abbey Road Studios in London, recorded the entirety of the track on his own, then brought Beckley and Bunnell over to sing.  That’s right:  for a period in the early ’80s, America became The Monkees.  But no matter:  Ballard had written the song exactly in the style of America, right down to the guitar sound and the full harmonies. 

See you next week for more wussy music!

Welcome back!  It’s time for yet another spelunking expedition to the depths of wussitude!

"Personally" is the only song off of Wild Heart Of The Young that’s not self-penned.  It was written by Paul Kelly, probably best known for his song "Stealing In The Name Of The Lord," a #5 R&B hit in June of 1970.  I’m sure the irony is not lost on Bonoff: her biggest hit (and only hit from the album) is the only one the singer-songwriter didn’t write, and the lyrics are all about her delivering something personally.

Regardless of who wrote it, I’m having a hard time knocking "Personally."  It’s truly a mellow gem:  Bonoff’s voice is casual, sweet and gentle, and the music behind her couldn’t be any better.  Light, funky guitar, breezy keyboards, um, competent drumming, and a fantastic bassline.  I can’t tell you the featured musicians on this particular song, but on the entirety of the record you’ll find all members of Bryndle , most of The Eagles (Henley, Schmit, Walsh and J.D. Souther - come on, he counts as an Eagle), Danny Kortchmar - one of the only Mellow Gold artists to be nicknamed "Kootch" other than Charlene - and guess who’s playing that terrific sax solo?

1)  Alimony bill
2)  VD
3)  Autographed copy of Bossa Nova Hotel by Michael Sembello
4)  Fart
5)  Midget
6)  Farting midget (I feel like this would be the most difficult to send in of all)
7)  Love child of David Pack from Ambrosia
8)  Ambrosia (either the band or the fruit salad)

So what happened to Bonoff after "Personally?"  Well, she continued to write and record her own songs.  She recorded a Lost Soundtrack Classic for Footloose.  She passed some hits off to other artists - Wynonna recorded her song "Tell Me Why" in ‘93, and Ronstadt recorded "All My Life," a duet with Aaron Neville, which won a Grammy in 1991.  She’s maintained a following in Asia, touring Japan numerous times.  And hey, everybody - Bryndle got back together!  In 1995, they released their debut CD - only 25 years after their first shelved recording!  Andrew Gold left in ‘96, and the band is sort of on hiatus, but they all still keep in touch and perform from time to time.  You can keep updated on Bonoff’s career at her website.  And have no fear, she’s not forgotten her Mellow Gold roots: she contributed backing vocals to McD’s Blue Obsession!

Bonoff and McD, shortly after McD ate her right arm

Until next time, my friends!  Thanks for joining me on another Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!