Welcome back, folks, to another week of Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold! I want you to know that I am covering today’s song under great duress. It took me a while to get up the nerve to write about it. Even my cat tried to stop me.

Todd Rundgren – Hello It’s Me (download)

It’s not that I have anything against “Hello It’s Me.” (Actually, I have a lot against “Hello It’s Me” but we’ll explore that later.) It’s just that…remember that episode of The Simpsons where Bart becomes famous for uttering the catchphrase “I didn’t do it” on Krusty’s show? And so everywhere he goes, people want him to say “I didn’t do it?” Well, for a brief period, this blog got very Rundgren-centric. People started both discussing and requesting “Hello It’s Me.” Terje sent it to me first. Robert mentioned it in the comments. So did Elaine. Finally, Mike began subtly dropping hints in online conversations.

Mike: What’s on the plate for MG this week?
Jason: Well, I don’t know. I…
Mike: (Rundgren)
Jason: I was thinking maybe I should…
Mike: (Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuundgrennnnnnnnnnnn)
Jason: Yeah, but I also thought that…
Mike: (RUNDGREN!)

So there’s a lot of pressure riding on this one. But I’m going to try and get it over with. There you have it, Mike. I am officially your Rundgren Monkey. (Now that’s a band name.) Hope you’re happy.

“Hello It’s Me” is really not Mellow Gold from a musical standpoint (from a musical standpoint, it’s a Carole King ripoff), but lyrically, OH MY GOD. It easily ranks up there with some of the very, very wimpiest of the wimpy.

Men have, for years, been implored to really get in touch with their soulmates. No more of this sitting-on-the-couch-and-watching-the-game bullshit. “Communication is essential. Talk about your feelings.” Todd Rundgren almost singlehandedly flipped that entire movement on its ass. “Hello, It’s Me” is so rife with emotional rambling that Todd should be sending every penny he made on this song to the people who were forced to listen to it. Think of it as a therapist fee.

Shall we take a look at these emasculating, damn near embarrassing lyrics?

Hello it’s me
I’ve thought about us for a long, long time
Maybe I think too much but something’s wrong

Ahhh, a Mellow Gold benchmark: contemplating your inadequacies, right in front of the girl woman lady to whom you’re singing. Well done, sir Rundgren!

There’s something here that doesn’t last too long

Okay, this isn’t even close to proper English, is it? When I was five years old, I wrote a song that rhymed “moon” with “baboon.” I feel like even then, I had one up on Todd.

Maybe I shouldn’t think of you as mine

Okay, just in terms of rhyming patterns, is this supposed to rhyme with “time?” That seems to be the only thing I can come up with, but for some reason, I’m thinking this pattern sucks.

Wait, he’s got more to say.

Seeing you
Or seeing anything as much as I do you

Yup, that’s right. “Seeing anything as much as I do you.” It’s like they had a contest to try and write the most awkward lyric.

I take for granted that you’re always there
I take for granted that you just don’t care

Just when I thought this song couldn’t get any dumber, it gets dumberer. So what are we talking about here, Todd? What’s up with this relationship? The first line tells me that the problem is that you’re not happy. The second line implies it’s the other way around. Unless you mean that she just doesn’t care if you treat her horribly. Are you both unhappy? Is it because you wrote this song and she had to listen to it? And did you know that there’s now a third unhappy party? Hello, it’s me!

Sometimes I can’t help seeing all the way through

Sometimes you can’t help seeing WHAT all the way through? The relationship? This goddamn song? I’m pulling my hair out listening to you ramble!

Oh shit, here comes the chorus.

It’s important to me
That you know you are free

If it’s so important to you, why can’t you sing those lines, you big sissy? Admit it! You pussed out! You figured: she hasn’t been listening to anything else I’ve said, I might as well try getting someone else to help put the point across! They’re like little gnats, buzzing around our ears. Please, Todd. Kill them.

‘Cause I never want to make you change for me

And there you have it, folks: with that one final line of the chorus, Todd Rundgren officially threw his hat into the ring for the Wussiest Line Ever. Somewhere, England Dan felt his ears getting hot, and he knew he had a challenge on his hands.

Think of me
You know that I’d be with you if I could
I’ll come around to see you once in a while
Or if I ever need a reason to smile

I’ll freely admit that I can be a tad dense sometimes, so please, help me out here. Am I missing the meaning behind this song? I still don’t understand who’s breaking up with who here. Is he breaking up with her because he’s a jerk? Am I just a maroon for trying to figure this all out? Is this why nobody will talk to me anymore? Maybe I think too much but something’s wrong.

Anyway, if the song ended here, we’d know that Todd had was a first class Fogelberg, through and through. But then, suddenly, Todd’s penis interrupts.

And spend the night if you think I should

You gotta love it. You just gotta love it. The man can’t help but just throw that little hint in there. But he’s smart: he makes it look like it’s not his idea. No, no, no! It’s important to him that she knows she’s free! But, you know, if she thinks he should, well, then. “Okayyyy…I guess if I have to…” And you know what? Todd’s pretty smart. After hearing this song, I imagine the girl woman lady would have done just about anything to get him to shut up. Well, done, sir! Well done! Your cunning little plan worked!

And yet…there is something 100% irresistible about this song, isn’t there? Once it’s in my head, it’s in my head for hours, and I honestly don’t mind it. I find myself singing it aloud. I think it must have to do with the music: those beautiful, minor 7 and 9 chords, and that key-change near the end, which I have to admit is pretty kick-ass. Those keyboards. The trumpet. It’s not Mellow Gold in the slightest, but man, is it catchy. Still, though, I’m overpowered by the lyrics. It makes me feel like maybe Todd Rundgren shouldn’t have sung this song. It should have been sung by Woody Allen, or some other nebbish-y, accountant-type guy.

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/inline/helloitsnebbish.mp3]

It’s official: I’ve lost any trace of dignity I had left. By the way, this is the voice of the guy who does my taxes.

So what could be worse than listening to this incessant rambling (either me or Todd)? How about listening to a version so unbearably slow that Rundgren’s version is referred to as “the uptempo version?” I’m dead serious.

Nazz – Hello It’s Me (download)

Yes, this is the version Rundgren recorded with Nazz, his psychedelic garage band from the late ’60s. When it started, I was wondering if maybe I was playing it at the wrong speed. Enjoy…or don’t. Either way, it’s time for us to move on to some video!

Behold! RUNDGREN, IN ALL HIS NIPPLED GLORY! This video could also be subtitled Todd Makes It A Point To Touch Every Fucking Hand In The Audience. I imagine this entire crowd came down with the flu shortly after the show.

By the way, if you listen carefully to the studio version of “Hello It’s Me,” you may notice that Todd attempts to riff/scat on the vocal. It’s kind of a mess, but it’s back in the mix and relatively subtle. Around the 2:17 mark of this video (or 1:45 if the counter’s going backwards), Todd goes for some falsetto riffing and fails so miserably that he makes LeBon’s Live Aid fuckup look like a Pavarotti performance.

Well, there you have it. That’s as much as I can glean out of this one for the day. I’m sure you have many thoughts about this Mellow classic, and I can’t wait to hear them. In the meantime, I’m going to go back and listen to this song again. I kinda love it. See you next week for yet another Adventure!

Hi again, everybody! It’s that time again – that time when we dissolve any sense of self-respect and go spelunking through the Mines Of Mellow Gold!

David Soul – Don’t Give Up On Us (download)

Although this song has been on “the list” for a while, I hadn’t really planned on covering it anytime soon. I’ve always thought this song kinda ran just on the edge between Mellow Gold and schmaltzy ballad. However, every time I hear it, I lose just a little bit of hair on my chest, and so it does fit in with the other songs we’ve discussed here. Plus, I received two requests to post this song – from two of my favorite bloggers, Malchus and Terje – within 12 hours of each other. I don’t know if the two of them wrote to each other, called each other on the phone, whatever, but their message came through loud and clear. Hang on, it’s gonna get lame in here!

You guys all remember David Soul, right? I know I didn’t. In fact, when Malchus wrote to me and requested the song, I responded with, “Well, I already covered ‘Goodbye Girl…”" Yeah. That’s David GATES, of Bread. Not David Soul. Thanks for not calling me out on that one, Scott.

David Soul is best known for playing Ken “Hutch” Hutchinson from Starsky and Hutch. However, clearly he wasn’t just an actor; he was a musician as well. In fact, he was a musician before he was an actor, and he was also a baseball player; he was actually offered a contract to play with the White Sox. (This is starting to read like the Chuck Norris Facts webpage.) Soul’s greatest desire was to be known for his music. How can I say this with such certainty? Because he actually said it, repeatedly. See, in order to get the public’s attention, Soul would sing while wearing a ski mask. He eventually made his way to The Merv Griffin Show under the billing “The Covered Man,” and would say “My name is David Soul, and I want to be known for my music.” Then, he would pull out a sawed-off shotgun and yell, “Any of you fucking pricks move, and I’ll execute every motherfucking last one of ya!”

Okay, maybe that last part didn’t happen. But the ski mask part is true:

“Mommy, this Spider-Man costume you made me sucks!”

Hmmm…masking the wussy face as a gimmick…paging Leo Sayer!

Anyway, Soul was signed to the Private Stock record label, and the label’s owner paired him up with songwriter Tony Macaulay, who you may know if you’ve heard “Baby, Now That I’ve Found You” – a hit for The Foundations in 1967 and later revived by Alison Krauss and Union Station. Macaulay didn’t write the song specifically for Soul, but found that it fit his voice perfectly. The public agreed – the single reached #1 on the Hot 100 in April of 1977, also spending 7 weeks in the Top 10.

So let’s talk about “Don’t Give Up On Us,” otherwise known as “David Soul waits patiently next to the dinner table, awaiting scraps from Barry Manilow’s supper plate.” This song has major wussicity on all fronts. Lyrically, it’s a fucking mess. Let’s start at the very beginning, as, y’know, that’s a very good place to start.

Don’t give up on us, baby
Don’t make the wrong seem right

“Don’t make the wrong seem right” is, quite possibly, the most awkward way of saying…whatever it is he’s trying to say here. Would this line of argument really work? I can’t imagine.

The future isn’t just one night

I like this phrase. It’s a nice, subtle way of saying “Don’t base the rest of our lives together on one unfortunate night of erectile dysfunction.”

It’s written in the moonlight
And painted in the stars
We can’t change ours

It wasn’t until the lyrics were actually written in front of me that I figured out what he means by “we can’t change ours.” He’s saying we can’t change our future. That’s a lie, David Soul. Your future hasn’t been written yet. No one’s has! Your future is what you make of it – so make it a good one, both of you!

Jesus, David Soul, you’ve got me quoting Doc Brown from Back To The Future III.

There are some other lyrics in this song. I’m going to mention them now, but you should know that I had to listen to the song at least three or four times before I caught them. I kept nodding off.

Don’t give up on us, sugartits baby
We’re still worth one more try
I know we put our last one by

Who wants to chip in and send a fucking rhyming dictionary to Tony Macaulay? Again with the awkwardness! Does anybody even say phrases like that last one? I should have stayed asleep.

Bridge, motherfuckers!

I really lost my head last night (this supports my erectile dysfunction theory)
You’ve got a right (awkward rhyme alert!)
to stop believing
There’s still a little love left even so

Okay, I can’t take any more of this. No more lyric talk. Let’s talk about music instead (like that’s any relief). I’m sure there are real rock n’ roll instruments on this song somewhere, but I can’t hear a damn thing through the orchestra. Clearly the conductor called in sick, and the session musicians just had a field day; these guys are whacking off all over this song like it’s Peer Gynt. I thought I heard a guitar somewhere in the song…yup, there it is: a snippet at…nope, that’s not it…hang on, I know it’s here somewhere…yup, found it – 2:10. Two lines, and then it’s bitchslapped by the flugelhorn. There’s a little bit of guitar at the end, too – right around 3:27. I’d like to think that the guitarist believed “Don’t Give Up On Us” was going to be his big break, only to be horribly disappointed with the five notes retained in the final mix. I’d also like to think that the guitarist was, like, Walter Becker or something.

Something interesting does happen in “Don’t Give Up On Us,” from a musical standpoint: there’s a key change fake-out, and then the actual key change is completely unexpected. I don’t expect you to listen to the whole song to find these two spots, so here you go: the fake-out is at around 1:30, coming out of the bridge, and the actual key change is at 2:42. Soul, as well as his backing singers (Soullettes? Soullesses?) all sing through the key change, and it sounds awkward as all hell. I don’t know who made these decisions. Clive Davis?

Enough with the blah-blah-blah. Let’s watch the video!

I love this video. I love the fact that we see multiple, seemingly body-less David Souls. I love that there are tons – tons! – of awkward, contemplative poses in between verses (that’s the actor in him, you know). And most of all, I love his haircut. He’s dangerously close to this guy:

Right?

After the success of “Don’t Give Up On Us,” and Starsky and Hutch, David Soul did other things, I’m sure. But I can’t be bothered to look them up. I’ve spent too much time on this song. Suffice it to say that nothing really matched his previous successes (although playing Jerry Springer in Jerry Springer – The Opera in London was probably up there), but he did have a cameo in the movie version of Starsky and Hutch, and of course, Owen Wilson threw a little David Soul tribute in there as well:

Completely off-topic, but why can’t even the most proficient actors fake playing the guitar?

Oh, and by the way, Terje wants you to know about one of David Soul’s follow-up songs. Eager to cash in on the success of his wussy plea, Soul recorded a song entitled – and this is no joke – “Can’t We Just Sit Down And Talk It Over.” It’s from his album of the same sentiment, Playing To An Audience Of One. Remember how Eddie Murphy used to joke about Teddy Pendergrass, who would “scare the bitches into liking him?” Soul went the complete opposite direction and tried to pity the women into digging his unique brand of bittersweet folk rock. However, his pity party didn’t work. You only get one shot, David. Look at Dan Hill. Or Michael “Bluer Than Blue” Johnson. I’m not including “Can’t We Just Sit Down And Talk It Over,” even though Terje probably wants me to torture you. Nor will I include “Wait, Where Are You Going, I Thought You Said You’d Listen To Me, Okay, Hear Me Out, Just Thirty Seconds And I Promise You Can Go, And I Won’t Follow You, I Swear.”

Thanks again to Malchus and Terje for convincing me to spend way too much time on this one. I’ll never forgive either of you. Thanks for reading, and see you next week for another Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

Happy Fourth of July, dear readers! What better way to celebrate this country’s independence than to review yet another tale of unabashed codependency? And, of course, in conjunction with this fine holiday, you know which band I’m obligated to cover.

America – Sister Golden Hair (download)

Yes. Yesssss. Let the mellow flow through you!

Now, mind you, I love “Sister Golden Hair.” Like all the other classic America songs, it’s so darn sweet, melodic and catchy. (You may or may not recall me going ga-ga over their cover of “Winter Wonderland,” back during The Sixth Day Of Mellowmas.) Whenever I hear this song, I can’t help but sing along, and that includes wah-wah’ing out the lead guitar line that opens the track.

That being said, my GOD were these guys pussies of the highest order or what? I wonder if there was ever a showdown – Gerry Beckley, Dewey Bunnell, and Dan Peek on one side, and England Dan and John Ford Coley on the other – in some sort of wuss-off. I don’t know, a “Who Can Tiptoe The Quietest Around The Ladies” contest or something. Everything about this song – from the meek vocal to some of the word choices in the lyrics – just screams “wuss.”

However, there’s a sentiment behind this song that is quite anti-Mellow Gold. I admit that I didn’t figure it out until recently, when I started to write this entry. If you don’t know the story behind the tune, the lyrics seem much wussier than they actually are. It’s about a man (and I use that term very, very loosely) who gets cold feet on his way to marry his lady (and I use the term accurately). Like I said: the anti-Mellow Gold. Mellow Deception, if you will. And I gotta tell you – a Mellow Man who’s not willing to commit makes absolutely no sense to me. This is really messing with my head right now.

Well I tried to make it Sunday, but I got so damned depressed
That I set my sights on Monday and I got myself undressed

These lyrics make perfect sense when the above background story is applied: it’s the day of the wedding, he’s all dolled up in his powder-blue ruffled tuxedo, but realizes he can’t take the plunge, so he takes off the badass suit. However, out of context, all you wonder is why our protagonist is making a big deal about taking off his clothes after being bummed out. Then again, I wouldn’t question most mellow artists over such a move. Y’know, they wanna get close to nature or something. Or they’re high.

I ain’t ready for the altar but I do agree there’s times
When a woman sure can be a friend of mine

I’m more of a music guy than a lyrics guy, but I do tend to prefer lyrics that actually sound like they’re taken from a real conversation. That first line is okay, but “when a woman sure can be a friend of mine” is just about the worst lyric imaginable (y’know, other than “the heat was hot” from “A Horse With No Name”).

Well, I keep on thinkin’ ’bout you, Sister Golden Hair surprise
And I just can’t live without you, can’t you see it in my eyes?

“Paul Is Dead” has absolutely nothing on the mysterious theories surrounding that first line. Who IS Sister Golden Hair, anyway (and more importantly, why do we care)? I keep thinking of Cousin Itt, personally, but that’s not as wacky as some of the other ideas as to the identity of this mysterious woman. Some think that it’s just a lover. Some think that it’s a nun (“Sister”). Some think that it’s Stevie Nicks. (I made that up, but it’s not really too far-fetched, is it?) But my favorite theory is that Sister Golden Hair is actually…his half-sister. I swear I’m not making this up – check out the Songfacts page, and look for the unbearably long comment. Here’s just a snippet. Educate us, Rob from Toronto:

The song is about a letter he writes to her after years of painful waiting for her to catch up to him in years and reach adulthood, and to see if they can move on without one-another, metaphorically, sunday but then monday means several painful years of tenuous, cautious, cat-like commitment to being there when she’s ready.

I realize the irony in making fun of a person like Rob, who sits around all day, deeply analyzing Mellow Gold songs like “Sister Golden Hair.” But fuck it, I’m making fun of him anyway. “Tenuous, cautious, cat-like commitment?” Dude, I’m not saying you’re interested in your own half-sister, but just in case, I’d put your relatives on high alert.

I’ve been one poor correspondent, and I’ve been too, too hard to find
But it doesn’t mean you ain’t been on my mind

Imagine for a second that you’re the bride, standing in front of a church of 80 people, wondering where your groom is. When he finally shows up, he gives you this line. How long before you kick him in the nuts?

Will you meet me in the middle, will you meet me in the air?

What?

Will you love me just a little, just enough to show you care?

Another line that seems much wussier without the background story. “Will you love me just a little” is on the same level as “Do you have a love I can borrow?”. However, when the asshole-ditching-the-bride theory is applied, I actually find myself a little appalled that this guy is asking the bride to actually backtrack. “No, no, don’t love me like ‘you wanna marry me’ love me. Love me just a little. Just enough to show you care, so I can go back to watching the game.”

Well I tried to fake it, I don’t mind sayin’, I just can’t make it

While normally a phrase like “I just can’t make it” is par for the course around here, when put into context, we can only draw one conclusion. This guy is a Mellow Dick.

Okay, enough with the lyrical analysis. So the guy’s a jerk. It doesn’t change the fact that America were right up there with the best of the Mellow Gold artists, and “Sister Golden Hair” is a terrific, wimpy tune. Who doesn’t love this music? It’s a wonderful gentle rock groove, dominated by acoustic guitars and fantastic backing vocals. Even the electric guitars are gentle enough that you barely notice ‘em.

Here’s a great video of America performing “Sister Golden Hair” live:

I love this video for many reasons, but mainly because of the unabashed dorkiness of Gerry Beckley.

What was he, like, 14? Remind you of anyone?

Thanks for reading, as always, and see you next week for another Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

While I definitely think it’s too early in this site’s life to start reposting anything on a regular basis, it’s also the summer and I’m trying to take advantage of the season instead of spending all of my free moments hunkering down in front of my laptop. So occasionally, I’ll be reposting some of my Mellow favorites. Feel free to comment or ignore. I’ll be back for Chart Attack! on Friday; until then, remember how freaking LAME Paul Davis was?

We’ll talk about Paul Davis: The Man, The Myth, The Gentle in a minute. First, let’s get into the music.

Paul Davis – I Go Crazy (download)

Grab the song first, then we’ll talk.

What problem might I have with “I Go Crazy,” you may be wondering. It’s a valid question. After all, it’s pretty enough. Gentle vocal (and some unexpected ventures into the bass range). Light, unobtrusive strings. A 5-note riff on the keyboard after the chorus, stolen from Dennis DeYoung’s “Babe,” (update: reader Jhensy has pointed out that “Babe” came out after this single, so if anything, DeYoung is the dirty thief) that is guaranteed to become an earworm (or, near the end of the song, a buzzing fly). I don’t quite get the bluesy keyboard riffing at the end, but I’ll forgive it.

My problem is this.

Think of the songs you know that mention “going crazy” somehow in the title. I came up with “Let’s Go Crazy” by Prince, “I Go Crazy” by Queen (a b-side, but I’m a big Queen fan) and of course, who could forget the classic “Goin’ Crazy!” by David Lee Roth? (all of us, apparently.)

But here’s my point. All of these songs that mention going crazy have a sound reminiscent of someone perhaps, oh, I don’t know…going crazy. Not Paul Davis, however.

Here. Just for the hell of it, here’s a crude mashup of the four tracks. Excuse the sonic quality; I’m trying to prove a point. Tell me if one of these things is not like the others.

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/inline/crazymash.mp3]

At no point in “I Go Crazy” does Paul Davis actually sound like he’s really going crazy. Going Introspective? Maybe. Going Doubtful and Inquisitive? Sure. But we all know what this song should have been called. It should have been called “I Go Mellow.”

If Paul Davis is indeed going crazy when he looks in her eyes, then my friends, it’s the wussiest kind of crazy there could ever be. And that’s why it’s in the mines of Mellow Gold.

So listen back to those vocals. If you don’t already know what Paul Davis looks like, get an image in your head.

Whatcha got? Accountant? Small lil’ guy, neat, black hair? Maybe a suit? That’s what I’ve got. In fact, if you do a Google image search for Paul Davis, many of the images seem like they could be him.

This is Paul “I Go Crazy” Davis.

Motherfucker looks like Gregg Allman! This guy should be…I don’t know. Ripping a mean guitar solo? Smoking dope? Having his way with women? And instead, he’s approaching them gently, and giving them the message that he’d like to love them just a little bit, and if they’re not happy with it, then TOO DAMN BAD, WOMAN then it’s okay, they can leave, they don’t have to stay. He doesn’t want to offend anyone. (Looks down at the ground, shyly, shuffles his feet)

Which brings us to song #2.

Paul Davis – Cool Night (download)

I ask you this: do they get any smoother? Any more mellow? I seriously don’t think it’s possible.

Like “I Go Crazy,” this song is actually quite pretty. Gentle, unobtrusive backing vocals. This one actually has a drum beat to it, which means that it’s considered a Paul Davis “rock” song, I suppose. There are two main differences between “I Go Crazy” and “Cool Night,” however: the first difference is that “Cool Night” sounds exactly like you’d expect it to sound. Unlike track 1, we’re not expecting Paul Davis to go batshit insane on a song called “Cool Night.”

The other difference happens at 2:33. Paul Davis actually does go a little crazy. He lets his Gregg Allman-esque hair down and does something truly ballsy: KEY CHANGE!

I love the key change. When I sing this song to myself, I never have the patience to get to the chorus after the guitar solo. I always do the key change right away. That’s how much I love the key change.

I quoted him last week, but I’m repeating Mike’s quote in case you missed it. Mike sums up the emotion behind many of the Mellow Gold hits:

“I love you so much that I will never bother you again” or “come on baby, just allow me to be in your beatific presence and I will not even think of putting any kind of sexual move on you. I promise.”

That’s “Cool Night” in a nutshell. “If it don’t feel right, you can go.” I almost can’t believe he’s making the statement. A guy who looks like that? Come ON! I keep wondering if it’s a Jedi mind trick of some sort. Does the woman stay? Does she leave him to go find the guy from Firefall? (Whoa!) It’s a mystery, friends. A cool, mellow mystery.

I was going to end this post after two songs, but what the hell. Paul Davis had one more Mellow Gold hit in the ’80s.

Paul Davis – ‘65 Love Affair (download)

Or as I like to call it, “The Boy From New York City.” I mean, come on. Right from the first few notes, I heard the similarities – and this was before the “doo-wop didddy-wop-diddy-wop doo” bit. Hmmm…the keyboard part in “I Go Crazy,” and now this…is Paul Davis pulling a Robbie Dupree?

If “Cool Night” was considered Paul Davis’ “rock sound,” “‘65 Love Affair” features him firmly ensconsed in the “speed metal” phase of his career. Could we have done something about those drums? How about that awful 2-beat hit that’s supposed to sound like clapping or…something?

I’m not saying that Davis didn’t do a semi-respectable job of resurrecting the golden-oldie soul sound. However, the lyrics leave a little tons to be desired: “Well I asked you like a dum-dum/You were bad with your pom-poms/You said, ‘ooh wah go team ooh wah go!’ Ooh-ee baby I want you to know/” And he does mention in the chorus:”‘65 love affair, we wasn’t getting nowhere.” I wonder if it’s because he told the girl she could leave if it didn’t feel right?

“I Go Crazy,” “Cool Night,” “‘65 Love Affair.” I’m using all of these songs to make a point. That point is this: Paul Davis is a sissy.

I kid, I kid. I give Paul Davis credit, actually: the pop sensibilities of both “‘65 Love Affair” and “Cool Night” were a departure from his previous country sound, and Davis was so disgusted with the commercialization of his music that he essentially quit the business altogether. Can you blame him? Look at those “‘65 Love Affair” lyrics again. Also, here’s a crazy fact: Paul Davis was shot in 1986…and survived! (No word on whether he was shot by the woman who left because it didn’t feel right.)

Paul Davis seems to be doing just fine these days. He lives in Mississippi and likes to fish.

You have to wonder, though: did Paul Davis kill the fish? Did he catch it and tell it that it could go back in the water with the other fishes if it wasn’t happy? When the boat stalls, does he mutter “I Go Crazy?”

Hope you enjoyed this expedition into the Mines of Mellow Gold. Let’s do it again next week!

A quick anecdote before we start today: on Saturday, Mike and I did one of our “Acoustic ’80s” gigs. In between songs, we somehow wound up mentioning Little River Band, which was met with unexpected enthusiasm from the crowd. Mike started playing the opening of “Reminiscing,” and before we knew it, we were doing the entire song (I had no idea I knew all the words). The crowd response made it clear that we’ll have to do a Mellow Gold acoustic duo evening at some point in time. Stay tuned.

Silver – Wham Bam (download)

I need to make something very clear to you right now: I did not pick this song. I’d never heard of it before, none of you had mentioned it in the comments, and I never received any e-mails requesting this song. Rather, this song picked me. It showed up on my iPod last Wednesday as I was running for a morning bus, and I was blown away that I had never heard it before (there are only 9,319 songs on my iPod, after all, a number that doesn’t even make sense to me), and that nobody ever requested it. This song may be more on the pop side of mellow, but it’s mellow. And even better, there’s some great, truly classic record label drama behind this song. I can’t wait to share it with you.

But clearly, the first question on your mind is: who the hell is Silver, and why should I give a shit? That’s an excellent question, especially since the band’s Wiki page doesn’t even bother to list all the members. For the record, though, the members were:

John Batdorf (of the duo Batdorf & Rodney, and I’m scared to see what you’ll write about them in the comments)
Brent Mydland (who eventually became “the new guy” in the Grateful Dead)
Tom Leadon (Bernie Leadon’s brother)
Steve Oates (John’s brother…okay, I’m making this one up. This guy’s not even in the band.)
Greg Collier (who?)
Harry Stinson (wha?)

And yes, THE Phil Hartman designed their record cover.

To quote Triumph The Insult Comic Dog, it’s like a Who’s Who of Who Cares.

There’s not much to say about these guys. They formed, put out this one album, and then broke up. “Wham Bam,” also known as “Wham Bam Shang-A-Lang,” was their only hit, peaking at #16 in August of 1976. Although it’s often labeled as “bubblegum,” I think it has plenty of the traits we’ve come to love from our Mellow Gold tunes.

Lots of strings……check!
Whiny guitars…….check!
Gentle drums…….check!
Limp backing vocals….check!
Stupid lyrics in the verses….check!
Even stupider lyrics in the chorus….check check check check check!

Let’s look at some of these. I won’t torture you too much with the lyrics, I promise. Just the first four lines.

Starry nights, sunny days
I always thought that love should be that way
Then comes a time that you’re ridden with doubt
You’ve loved all you can and now you’re all loved out

That’s right: “You’ve loved all you can and now you’re all loved out.” That’s just painful. And I would be absolutely remiss if I didn’t point out the shitty chorus.

We got a wham (!) bam (!) shang-a-lang and a sha-la-la-la-la-la thing

Those exclamation points in there are to replace the strings that attack in between those words, by the way. I consider them to be part of the lyrics.

What the hell are these guys talking about? What does it mean? What point were they trying to get across? Next time Jessica and I have another one of our fights (“It’s McD or me!”), I’ll grab her by the arm, look her deep in the eyes, and inform her that she can’t possibly leave me. Not with all that we have together. After all, doesn’t she realize what she’d be giving up? We got a wham (!) bam (!) shang-a-lang and a sha-la-la-la-la-la thing. And then I’ll watch her run the hell out the door, never to return.

But here’s the real problem I’m having: I can’t get this chorus out of my head. The critics are right: it definitely is a bubblegum pop song. They sound like The Archies (who also had a shang-a-lang in one of their songs). I’ve been singing it for the past week, kinda groovin’ in my chair, and sticking my hand up in the air each time the strings attack in the chorus.

Don’t get me started on the rest of the lyrics. They’re inane. Pointless. Idiotic. Most Mellow Gold lyrics are pathetically impassioned. That’s not the case here. Just stupidity, repeated for three and-a-half minutes.

Sometimes I feel bad ripping on songs like these, but I’m not feeling any remorse over this one. You know why? Well, remember the story of Climax Blues Band and “I Love You” – how all of the members, save for one, hated “I Love You?” Well, this is kinda like that, except everyone in Silver hated “Wham Bam.” And you know who gets the blame? John Batdorf, who put fame and fortune above musical quality as a career goal. I know all of this because I’ve read Batdorf’s extensive history of Batdorf & Rodney, which includes Silver. It’s an interesting read, but it’s long, so here are the important parts.

Batdorf & Rodney were an acoustic duo known for their inspired instrumental jams. After having some success under the tutelage of Ahmet Ertegun, the guys broke up, only to reunite and sign with Clive Davis over at Arista. Davis had just experienced great success in getting Barry Manilow to record “Mandy,” a song that Manilow despised, but nonetheless was a gigantic hit. Batdorf & Rodney, eager to finally get the fame and fortune they desired, acquiesced to Davis’ desires, which included recording outside material and slicing the guitar solos out of all of their songs for their upcoming album. As Batdorf puts it, “it’s hard to argue with the man who made Barry Manilow a superstar…the album sold more than our previous albums so we went with it and kept our creative disagreements to a minimum.” And that, my friends, is how John Batdorf sold his soul.

So Davis brought them this song called “Somewhere In The Night,” which he knew was about to be released by Helen Reddy (and if Alan O’Day’s name just popped into your head, you are a true fan of this website). Davis wanted to get the single out before Reddy’s version did. Batdorf loved the song, but there was a catch: the duo had to also record “Wham Bam,” a song Davis was convinced would be a hit. Batdorf hated the idea and despised the song, but by now you know what Batdorf chose to do.

The duo recorded both songs, and Davis decided he didn’t care for Rodney’s parts. He had an outsider sing on “Somewhere In The Night,” and had Batdorf double track his vocal over Rodney’s on “Wham Bam.” Still, fame was on its way, right? They couldn’t possibly give up now!

“Somewhere In The Night” debuted at #80, but Reddy’s management figured out what was going on, and told the radio stations that they’d never get a song by Reddy again if they continued to play the Batdorf & Rodney version. The stations caved, and the duo’s song was dropped. Reddy’s version went to #19, but guess who brought it all the way to #9 in January of 1979? Barry Manilow. LOVE IT!

Rodney – and I have no idea why it took him this long – was fed up, and the duo split. Batdorf formed Silver, and…well, I’ll let Batdorf tell it:

Clive heard us and told us if we released “Wham Bam” as Silver’s first single he would sign us to an album deal. What choice did we have? (Jason’s note: I dunno, walk away with what was left of your pride and dignity?) We replaced Mark’s parts and went on to cut the album. The single was a big hit but the album sounded nothing like the single and we didn’t draw well. We were a West coast sounding band with a stupid bubble gum single.

When it came time for Silver’s second album, Davis again wanted the group to bend to his will. Batdorf refused. The group eventually dissolved, and that was the last anybody ever heard of Silver.

If you’re still with me after all this text…is that a great story or what? In all honesty, I doubt I would have done anything different from Batdorf. I’ve done some pretty stupid things for money. Hell, I’ve done some pretty stupid things on this website. Still, it’s interesting to see how a string of fucked-up priorities led to this lame, yet ultimately successful tune.

See you next week for another Adventure Through The Mines of Mellow Gold!

Welcome back to another week here at Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold, where I have the inexplicable need to mention the name of the series at the beginning and end of each entry. Oh, what mellow goodness shall we be mining for today? What could beat last week’s song by “England Dan” Seals and John Ford Coley?

Seals & Crofts – Summer Breeze (download)

From one Seals to another, bitches!

I’ve wanted to cover “Summer Breeze” for months, now. Pretty much since I started this series. I thought perhaps it was lame, though, to cover it during the late Fall or early Winter, considering the song is not called “Autumn Breeze” or “Winter Breeze.” (Kind of a shame, really, because Autumn breezes rock, and also make me feel fine.) Technically, it’s not summer yet, but since I live in the concrete jungle, the days of summer breezes are pretty much over already. (We had a great early May.) But enough babbling: let’s cover the hell out of this one.

Jimmy Seals and Dash Crofts have shared a great deal of interesting experiences together; it would be difficult to cover all the facets of their career in this entry, so I’ll point you towards the official Seals & Crofts website, where you can follow their career from junior high school, when they first met, to The Champs (of “Tequila” fame), to a band with Glen Campbell, to their success as S&C and beyond. It’s a fantastic chronicle of the duo written by a guy named Anthony Bentivegna, who is to Seals & Crofts what Dominic is to Benny Mardones (that joke will make sense to the five of you who read the site back in the Fall). Thanks, Tony. You’ve allowed me to be lazy. The only thing I’ll lift from your site is the following two pictures, which I need to categorize under “NOT OKAY:”

In a move later regretted by both, Seals takes Crofts to prom.

“Please, God, don’t let Crofts eat me.”

Seals & Crofts had released three albums as a duo following their departure from The Champs, but it wasn’t until 1972 when their fourth, Summer Breeze, was a smash, reaching #7 on the Billboard charts. However, don’t be fooled into thinking that the album was purely a duo effort: Seals & Crofts employed no less than three drummers, four bassists and five pianists – including John Ford Coley. (In your face, England Dan!) And, in true Mellow Gold fashion…only one electric guitar. That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

“Summer Breeze,” as a single, reached #6 on the Hot 100, and #4 on the AC charts. Wisely, Warner Bros chose to release the single over the summer – unlike, say, David Geffen, who released Don Henley’s “Boys Of Summer” in December. But I digress. “Summer Breeze” was a deserved hit – a simple, pleasant – dare I say, breezy and fine – tune, in and out in under three-and-a-half minutes.

Why so perfect? Well, we could start by checking out that opening riff – instantly recognizable, no? I’d argue that many people would know it just from those four guitar notes, but certainly anyone would recognize it by the time the horn part kicks in. Incidentally, the only horn-esque instrument credited on the record is a saxophone, but that opening doesn’t sound much like a sax to me. Maybe it’s a woodblock.

As for the verses, I’d guess that most people don’t pay too much attention to them. I mean, let’s face it: “Summer Breeze” is all about the chorus. Did you know that one of the verse lyrics is “See the smile a-waitin’ in the kitchen, food cookin’ and the plates for two?” I sure as hell didn’t! And who cares? All I care about is the following: “Summer breeze makes me feel fine, blowin’ through the jasmine in my mind miiiiiiind.”

Now, I wasn’t aware that you could actually have jasmine in your mind miiiiiind. Were they smoking jasmine? Were they cannibals who actually ate someone named Jasmine? (I have cannibals on the brain because last week, my play, Postcards From A Dead Dog, was in a competition opposite a number of plays, including one about cannibalism. The guy apparently wrapped turkey meat around his arm, and then people methodically picked it off and ate it. Oh, and later on, he stuck a hypodermic needle in his eye. We didn’t win the competition. I’m praying they did.)

And what about this business of “makes me feel fine?” Could we not come up with a better, more enthusiastic word than “fine?” Cutting my toenails makes me feel fine. I wouldn’t put it on the same level as a summer breeze, though. When you think about it, it’s the kind of phrase that fits right in with a song like “I’d Really Love To See You Tonight,” which is chock-full of mellow ambivalence.

We already know that most Mellow Gold songs are big on harmony. The more voices, the better, right? At the very most, “Summer Breeze” has three, but mostly, it’s just Seals & Crofts. The two only sing together in harmony during the chorus, and on the word “mind.” Why, I ask you, is that one harmony so freakin’ awesome? It’s so simple, yet so beautiful. I don’t even mind that there were three voices on the words “summer breeze” and we lost one of them immediately following. I also love the chorus because I work relatively close to Sotheby’s, and few days go by where I don’t pass the building and sing “Sotheby’s…”

And the bridge. Oh man, the bridge! The bridge rocks! And a clever lead-in, to boot – the duo echo (in unison, dammit) the main song’s riff, and then suddenly, holy shit – we’re in a Chicago song! Listen to those horns in the background! And once I actually paid attention to the lyric – “And I come home from a hard day’s work, and you’re waiting there, not a care in the world” – I realized two things. 1) Tenacious D has made it impossible for me to sing anything other than “a hard day’s rockin’,” and 2) I love that lyric. And what could be better – the bridge leads right back into the verse, but this time, we get some glorious vocals behind the first line. Unfortunately, though, just like that, they’re gone again. Oh, Seals. And Crofts. Why must you tease us so?

So yeah. I love “Summer Breeze.” And I’m not the only one. Let’s talk remakes and remixes.

Remakes & Remixes

I’ve posted some remixes on here before – actually, come to think of it, I think they’ve all been Christopher Cross remixes. (I almost posted a “Club Mix” of “I’ve Never Been To Me” but thought better of it.) Those remixes have pretty much sucked. I don’t blame you if you refuse to ever trust me again when it comes to remixes. But if you’re willing to just give me one more chance (to show you that I love you), then download this one remix.

In 2004 – back when I still watched commercials, I remember seeing an ad for The Gap that featured this awesome remix of “Summer Breeze.”. I loved it instantly, and I guess I wasn’t alone, because “Summer Breeze (Philp Steir Remix)” was released as a single on iTunes a few weeks later, and even reached #15 hit on the Billboard AC chart! Not too shabby. As remixes go, this one is pretty classy.

Seals & Crofts – Summer Breeze (Philip Steir Remix) (download)

By Tony’s estimation on the S & C website, there have been well over 30 covers of “Summer Breeze.” The first one appeared only one year after its initial release, courtesy of the Isley Brothers, who slowed it down and funked it up. I personally don’t care for this cover, but maybe it’s more your style.

The Isley Brothers – Summer Breeze (download)

If you really want to hear “Summer Breeze” slowed down – and completely remade – check out this cover. I’m including it here because I think it’s just funny that a Type O Negative song would make its way over to this website, and on a Mellow Gold post to boot. Mellow miners, I am not responsible for what happens should you choose to download this one.

Type O Negative – Summer Breeze (download)

In 2007, the powerhouse (and I use the term quite loosely) team of Tommy Shaw and Jack Blades released an album of cover tunes, called Influence. “Summer Breeze” is the first track. I’ll be honest with you: I didn’t hate it. I actually dug their choices of instrumentation, and thought that Shaw added a few higher harmonies that didn’t suck. But of course, they took it too far. Shaw added some completely unnecessary harmonies right before the bridge. I wish Dennis DeYoung was singing this one. Eat it, Shaw!

Shaw-Blades – Summer Breeze (download)

Note that Jason Mraz has remade “Summer Breeze” – you can find it on the Everwood soundtrack – but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let jasonhare.com become a conduit for his special oh-so-annoying brand of putting a big breath before every word and his “brah lah dah hah dee dah dah listen to my voice crack repeatedly” bullshit.

Okay, just a snippet. Just to prove how much he needs to be punched in the mouth. And I actually liked his first album. I’m thinking about setting it on fire now. I’d rather listen to the WSP D-Bag than Jason Mraz at this point.

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/inline/mrazbreeze1.mp3]

Right? Right? Crofts needs to kick some Mraz ass.

In 2004, Seals & Crofts reunited to re-record some of their greatest hits. But rest easy, friends – they didn’t throw a rap in the middle like Alan O’Day. In fact, their cover of “Summer Breeze” isn’t really much of an update – a bit more echo on the vocals, a few more instruments here and there – it doesn’t really improve on the original, but it’s certainly pleasant as well.

Seals & Crofts – Summer Breeze (2004 remake) (download)

Okay, enough downloads: time for video! Here’s Seals & Crofts performing on The Midnight Special!

I love this clip! TV was just so much better in the ’70s! The sound mix is poor! Seals’ hat completely covers his eyes! Crofts’ hair looks like it came from one of those Playmobil characters!

This clip, from the 1991 Oregan State Fair, really doesn’t bring anything to the table. But look at Crofts! He’s rockin’ the Jeff Lynne face, the Slash top hat, and the midwest prostitute cowboy boots! He’s making all sorts of rock faces – watch it all the way to the end! And look – on bass, it’s Billy Ray Cyrus!

This clip actually makes me a bit sad, actually. Crofts clearly never read Gestures One Must Not Make While Playing A Mandolin.

Well, folks, if you loved “Summer Breeze” before, either you really love it now, or you’re praying for the turning of the leaves. Either way, I think I’ve done my job. See you next week for another edition of Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

Hang on to your precious lil’ mining hats, my mellow friends: today we’re going deep, deep into the mines. How deep? Deep enough that the song we’re covering never came anywhere near the Top 40, was never released as a single, and isn’t even included on most of their Greatest Hits compilations…and yet, I say without any sense of exaggeration that it really doesn’t get any mellower – and somehow, lazier – than this.

England Dan and John Ford Coley – Hold Me (download)

Seriously, folks – this track is one of the more obscure ones I’ve got in the collection. I honestly don’t even know how it got there. I have a hunch it showed up on Pandora at some point, but I can’t be sure. But either way, ladies and gentlemen of the wuss jury, I intend to prove that just one listen of this song will leave the men with empty nutsacs and the women thoroughly unsatisfied.

Now, of course, you all remember the biggest and brightest Mellow Gold hit from Dan Seals and John Colley (not a typo), “I’d Really Love To See You Tonight.” You can read My Top Five Interesting Facts About England Dan And John Ford Colley back in Mellow Gold 13. (You’ll also get a chance to see Terje’s Mellowmas creation, which always impresses and worries me.) Catch up and come on back. We’re not here to talk about the linen movin’ in today. Nor are we here to talk about any of their other Top 40 singles or even “In It For Love,” a fantastic mellow gem of theirs that Dave P sent me. They’ll all be covered in due time. And if I catch any of you guys talking about Todd Rundgren again, I’m going to have Dan Hill deliver a singing mellowgram to your bedroom at 4 in the morning. Don’t test me. I’ll do it.

Anyway, when we last saw the dynamic duo, they were just finishing up their latest photo session at the local Sears.

I feel like it’s only a matter of time before Ben Stiller and Luke Wilson adopt these roles.

The guys were doin’ pretty well, actually. Although they were in danger of being swallowed whole by their massive fucking collars, they managed to find success with a few other songs: two from Nights Are Forever (including the biggie), and two from their next album, Dowdy Ferry Road. If you think that album title’s awkward, consider one of the singles: “It’s Sad To Belong.” Sounds like it belongs on a perverse episode of Sesame Street or something. Anyhoo, it’s on their next album where we uncover today’s song.

Man, were these guys fucking downers or what? 4 hits in the Top 40 and “Some Things Don’t Come Easy?” Screw you guys! Firefall would have killed for your career, you assholes! There’s an especially earnest review of this album on AllMusic. I’m particularly fond of these two gems:

“If Dowdy Ferry Road was their bleak moment in song, Some Things Don’t Come Easy is the calm before the storm, a port prior to the schizophrenia that was Dr. Heckyll and Mr. Jive.”

All I want to do is call Joe Viglione in the middle of the night and tease him for listening to enough of England Dan and John Ford Coley that he can make a comparison like this one. But I won’t. Here’s the part I really love:

“They look alike on the smiling, happy airbrushed front cover, but you can almost see sadness in their eyes on the photos on the back.”

Ten minutes is longer than anybody should take to try and find the back cover on the ‘net, so if you can locate it, let us know. Interesting, though, that Joe mentioned the misleading smiles on the cover, but didn’t note the most misleading part of all – the electric guitar!

Anyway, the hit from this album was “We’ll Never Have To Say Goodbye Again” (and oh boy, is that one mellow), but I think “Hold Me” is much more interesting, mainly because it’s actually not really interesting at all. Instead, when listening to this song, one can’t help but feel like the duo merely decided to cash in on the mellow formula that they knew was a sure-fire hit. The song was written by Coley and two other guys – Bob Gundry and Simon Waltzer – who, as far as I can tell, haven’t really written anything else. It’s almost as of the three of them found a refrigerator-magnet set of mellow keywords, and just kind of put them together. Shall we? (Note: I couldn’t even find these lyrics online, which meant I had to listen to the song, pausing repeatedly, to transcribe these. No need to thank me. Everything I do, I do it for you.) Oh, and in case I haven’t mentioned it yet, I think this song is being sung to a whore. Let’s go!

Some loves are easy
And some are just games

Oh boy, England Dan, do I hear you on that one.

Sometimes the one you love doesn’t even have a name

Took me a minute to figure out what the hell this line meant. Now that I understand it, I don’t think it’s a very nice thing to say. Hookers have names. Isn’t that right, Charlene?

Sometimes I run away

And, of course, the image in your head should be some guy running down the block in his Fruit Of The Loom tighty-whities, clutching his jeans in his arms, tears rolling down his face, wondering if he left his wallet on the nightstand.

But this time I’ll stay

Oh, that’s a relief.

‘Cause you say your love will mend what’s broken

Shame, E.D.! That’s just a line they use so that you’ll squander away those “Diamond Girl” royalties your brother lent you!

Oh, wait a minute – here comes the best part: the chorus!

So hold me
Tell me that you’ll be here tomorrow
Just hold me
Do you have a love I can borrow?

Wuss jury, I present to you Exhibit A, and the only exhibit I really need to put forth: “Do you have a love I can borrow?” I’m seriously having a hard time thinking that these schmucks were earnestly asking such a question. In fact, some part of me wants to believe that this was just a way to rhyme with “tomorrow.” I need to believe it, because if not, then that means that these people are the wimpiest people ever to walk this Earth.

Except for maybe one person, whom you may have thought of already.

For those of you who aren’t fans of The Simpsons, here’s a brief clip where Kirk attempts to seduce his soon-to-be-ex-wife back into loving him via romantic serenade:

Go ahead. Try and convince me that the lyrics to “Hold Me” are any better than “Can I Borrow A Feeling?”.

And honestly! What does “do you have a love I can borrow” even mean? Are these guys so meek, so tentative that they wouldn’t dare actually ask a woman to give her love without any condition attached? If he really is talking to a hooker (and how fucked up would it be if I was right?), is he just deluding himself, thinking that what she’s giving him is actually love, when we know that what she’s really giving him is chlamydia? How did this get past Mellow Quality Control?

I’m not even through the chorus yet!

‘Cause the fire in your eyes
Makes my heart ignite

That’s the chlamydia talking, England Dan.

So hold me
Hold me tonight

Note the pronunciation of “hold” here: it’s got that a little bit of a breath behind it – the kind that is usually only used when the “hold me” phrase is supposed to be especially dramatic. I think this is an Seals/Coley thing: remember the way we heard the word “while” back in “I’d Really Love To See You Tonight”? (You don’t? Damn – clearly I’m working too hard here.)

The chorus is over and we’re back to that piano riff (which, by the way, makes me want to break into “Oh No” by The Commodores). Why mess with the formula, fellas? More lazy, wussy lyrics, please!

Some loves are spoken
And some understood

Are we doing a compare/contrast thing again, here? Are you saying that loves that are spoken are not understood? Or that to understand love, you can’t speak it? Are we talking about the kind of love that dares not speak its name (a.k.a. in the butt)?

Sometimes you throw away a love that seems so good

/smacks head on desk

Now here I am with you
Feeling hope again
This time I hope there’ll be no ending

I’m about 20 seconds away from just throwing in the towel, people.

More chorus, then…you guessed it: Bridge!

Let our souls unite
You’ll be the love in my life
Tell me that it’s not just for the night

Ah HA! It is a hooker! I knew it!

Here’s the one interesting part of the song: from the bridge, they go right back into the chorus, but they sneak in a key change. At least I think it’s a key change. I can’t tell, for some reason, and the fact that an England Dan & John Coley song is making me question my own musical abilities is messing with my head right now. And check out that ending – how they decide not to resolve to the root chord. There’s a reason for this, I’m sure. What it is, though, completely eludes me. Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that this song, while containing everything we look for in a Mellow Gold tune, seems disingenuous, somehow. I didn’t know it was possible to phone in a mellow performance before I heard “Hold Me.” In a way, this song represents the best and worst of Mellow Gold. I dunno. What do you guys think? Perhaps if this had been their debut performance on the charts, I’d believe them. But with the amount of mellow hits they had, and the fact that their eyes (supposedly) looked so sad on the back of the LP, I just can’t help but wonder if this song was formulaic filler.

Well, no matter: the boys managed to hold on to the formula a while longer, for just a few more singles, before they broke up and went their separate ways. Dan Seals headed towards the country market, where he amassed an impressive 11 #1s, 7 of them consecutive. He now tours with his brother Jim as part of Seals & Seals. (You can go to their website if you wish, but be aware that each time you load it, you’ll have to sit through a five-minute Flash presentation.) John Ford Coley left the business temporarily after the split, but you can find him touring this summer with the likes of Christopher Cross, Ambrosia, Stephen Bishop, and holy shit, I have to go right now and see if I can catch one of these shows.

I don’t know whether to be disgusted with this song or enamored with its mellowness, but either way, I’m out of time. See you soon for another Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

Welcome back to another week of Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold! Before I get started – anybody see The Simpsons a couple of weeks ago, where Homer becomes a fireman? Mellow Gold Alert: there’s a montage with Homer near the end of the episode, and “Sad Eyes” by Robert John is playing. Could it be? Are The Simpsons producers reading this website? Definitely not. But I was still excited.

Anyway, on to the wuss music! This week, I chose a song that doesn’t really need much snarking. It’s simply a great song that always puts a smile on my face, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s from a band that we’ve previously unearthed from the mines!

Little River Band – Lady (download)

We last talked about Little River Band back in Mellow Gold #9. I’m sure you all go back and review those entries on a daily basis, but in case you’ve forgotten:

Hailing from Australia (which you’d never know from the vocals, clearly influenced by the music of the west coast), Little River Band originated as a band called Mississippi, but found that Australians didn’t seem to care for a band with such an American name. A street sign on their way to a gig in Australia influenced them to change their minds. Already huge in Australia, the band attempted to make it big in the UK, but were met with general indifference (much like other Australian bands at the time). Their manager, however, already had a strong sense of the American industry, and decided to set the band’s sights on the States.

Little River Band flourished in America: they became the first Australian band to truly hit it big, and sustain that success, in the United States. Between 1978 and 1982, the band had six consecutive singles in the Top 10, which at the time made them the only band – period – to claim such a feat. While their single “Lady” remains their best-selling single to date, “Reminiscing” was their highest charter, peaking at #5.

“Lady” reached #10 and stayed on the charts for an impressive 14 weeks. In my previous entry, I declared “Reminiscing” to be my favorite, but now that I’m paying attention to “Lady”, I’m not sure. “Reminiscing” is definitely a cooler song musically, with fantastic chords (I know, ’cause I can’t play ‘em), but “Lady” has so much going for it. It starts off all smooth, light guitar and piano, and then slowly builds into a song that actually kinda rocks. LRB throws in some strings, a little bit of guitar, and before we know it, we’re groovin’ into the chorus in something that almost feels….rock-ish. Crazy, I know! It does this multiple times. It’s some kind of mellow deception, I tell you. Actually, I’ll give most of the credit to the bassline, which seems to set the tone for the rest of the instruments – especially in that chorus. And at one point, there’s even some other percussion that I think actually is a fucking woodblock.

And how about these lyrics? They’re definitely mellow; only a true wimp could write “feel for the winter but don’t have a cold heart” and not burst out laughing afterwards. And did I mention that the name of the song is “Lady”? If we’ve been over it once, we’ve been over it a thousand times: when we’re deep in the mines, a telltale sign that we’ve struck mellow gold is a song calling a female “woman” or “lady.” Ever tried to say this out loud, by the way? Doesn’t work. (Trust me.)

However, let’s give some credit to songwriter Graeham Goble: remember back when we talked about “Reminiscing” and those double-edged lyrics? He writes this wonderful story about looking back on life and then twists the knife by stating “oh, the times we’re missing spending the hours reminiscing.” Well, Goble does something similar here: he expresses a sweet, genuine sentiment, but can’t help but throw a wink at us as well. I know, because this little wink got me into some trouble the other day.

So all through the weekend, I was singing this song. Couldn’t help it: the sun was shining, I was grilling in the backyard, I was in a great mood. So I’m singing the song to my wife, and get to the chorus (which, as we previously mentioned, is the best part). I sing the first line:

So lady, let me take a look at you now
You’re there on the dance floor making me want you somehow

Only problem is, the look I’m getting from my wife is one of those “you’re in the doghouse” looks. I can’t figure out why until she points out to me that “you’re there on the dance floor making me want you somehow” is actually relatively insulting – you know, like “it’s unbelievable that a beast like you could actually turn me on.” I tried to dig myself out of the hole by continuing:

Lady, I think it’s only fair I should say to you
Don’t be thinking that I don’t love you, ’cause maybe I do

Thanks, Little River Band. You ruined my Sunday.

So these lyrics are kinda sucky. I guess I never noticed it because of those stellar harmonies. Shit, change it to “lady, let me throw a book at you now” and I’ll still feel the same way about the awesomeness of this song.

Like many other bands of this era and genre, Little River Band experienced their share of personnel changes. In 1981, lead singer Glenn Shorrock left the group (or was fired, depending on who you ask), and was replaced by fellow Australian John Farnham. Farnham was primarily known in his home country for a novelty single called “Sadie (The Cleaning Lady)” and had recently hired LRB’s manager to take charge of his career. Farnham eventually had his own dramas with Little River Band, and went on to create his own unbelievably successful career in his home country – but that’s a story for another Mellow Gold entry. I mention him here because, in my mind, he furthered the mellow deception: his unbelievable voice helped turn some of their smoothest songs – including “Lady” – into rockers.

A few days ago, I was perusing YouTube and came across FritzRitz’s extensive LRB/Farnham collection. Included was a live version of “Lady,” audio only, that blew my mind. (Let’s not think about how sad it is that this song blew my mind.) I asked nicely and FritzRitz generously sent me the song to share with all of you. There are two noticeable skips in the song, which are a bummer, to be sure, but I don’t think it’ll take away from your general enjoyment of the song.

Little River Band (with John Farnham) – Lady (live) (download)

Rockin’, right? Check out some of the other videos on YouTube with LRB featuring Farnham, while I go searching for a live bootleg featuring this incarnation of the band. Farnham’s voice impresses the hell out of me. I don’t recommend you listen to his version of “Reminiscing” – a bit too much on the vocal gymnastics for my taste – but when I eventually convince my band that we must cover “Lady,” this is the version I’m sending them. Well, I’d throw the piano back in. But other than that, this song is perfect. I plan on listening to it all summer. I feel bad for those around me.

See you next week for another Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold! Thanks for reading!

So.

Apparently you guys weren’t on board for last week’s selection, “Couldn’t Get It Right.” Hell, you were even skeptical that there was any cowbell in the song at all. (To your credit, though, I’ve never been witness to such a spirited discussion of cowbell v. woodblock.) It’s okay. I admit I was slightly devastated affected by it, but I can’t spend time sulking, no matter how mellow a reaction it might be. I know what I’ve got to do. I’ve got to rebound. I’ve got to come back strong.

I’ve got to ride.

Christopher Cross – Ride Like The Wind (download)

Behold, mellow fans! This is what happens when a pussy puts on a cowboy hat and chaps!

We’ve encountered Christopher Cross twice before whilst spelunking deep in these mines (which I think now makes him our most frequently-covered artist so far), but oddly enough, the songs we’ve covered were not part of his unbelievable smash debut album. “Ride Like The Wind” was the first single – and an impressive entrance onto the pop scene at #2, I might add – from Christopher Cross. Yes, that’s one balls-to-the-wall album title right there, but if nothing else, it helps you understand why this song – his most uptempo, “gritty” hit – still sounds like it’s swimming upstream in oatmeal.

So, what’s the inspiration behind a wild – wild! – song like “Ride Like The Wind?” It’s hard to say. Perhaps Cross was inspired by his Texas upbringing, but let me tell you – growing up in Texas doesn’t automatically make you a cowboy. I grew up on Long Island, and I’m not a spoiled little…well, maybe this isn’t the best example. But look – this is the same man who felt that fantasy got the best of him while he was sailing, and we’re supposed to believe that he was some kind of outlaw, on the run (no time to speak)? I don’t buy it. Do you? Did anybody, even with the song being the world’s introduction to the man? Let’s examine the facts here:

1) Music. The strongest percussion in here comes from the bongos, apparently trying to replicate the sound of a horse. A horse that was doing some kind of two-step, apparently, but a horse nonetheless.

2) Lyric. “I was born the son of a lawless man.” Christopher Cross’s dad was an army officer. That seems pretty, uh…what’s the polar opposite of lawless? Not lawless? Yeah. That’s totally not lawless.

3) General Fact. This man wrote “Sailing.” I rest my case.

And don’t forget this lyrical gem: “Always spoke my mind with a gun in my hand.” Seriously. Are you buying this? And if you said “yes,” then you’re obviously Christopher Cross’s mom, and you don’t count. I did a play once where I had to smoke a cigarette. (If you can’t imagine how awkward this looks, imagine Christopher Cross trying to get on a horse. Same thing.) My mom told me I did “a very nice job.” She was lying. My point is that you can try to escape who you are, but you had better have some cojones behind it. Or at least a snare drum. I’m just saying.

For argument’s sake, let’s pretend for a second that we’re on board with this absurd role-playing fantasy. Mr. Cross is some kind of outlaw. And I can relate. Can’t we all? I ask you: who among us hasn’t had to ride, ride like the wind, to be free again? What’s that? None of us? Okay, clearly this isn’t working. I just can’t be convinced, no matter what.

Even the first line is making it difficult for me to go along with this story: “It is the night, my body’s weak.” I know what I’m supposed to think.

Exterior: Death Valley, CA
Time: 9:00 PM

The sun has set, but the temperature is still a blistering 92°. Our protagonist is stumbling through miles of flat, dusty terrain. He can still hear the rumble of horses’ hooves, but he isn’t sure whether he’s still being followed or they’re merely in his head. In his mouth is the taste of sand, kicked up by his spurs. He desperately wants to rest, but he can’t. It is the night. His body’s weak. He’s on the run, no time to speak. He’s got to ride. Ride like the wind.

Instead, this is all I can really think of:

Interior: Dunkin’ Donuts, Grand Rapids, MI
Time: 10:30 PM

The sun has set, but the temperature inside is still a cool 62°. Our protagonist is lying on the floor near the cash register. He can still hear the sound of the cashier, asking him if he’s sure he wants a fifth French Cruller, but he isn’t sure whether it’s just the sound of his rumbling gut echoing in his ears. In his mouth is the taste of glazed sugar. He desperately wants to eat another one, but he can’t. It is the night. His body’s weak. He’s trying to roll over, no time to speak. He’s got to eat. Eat like the wind.

Now this, I’m buying.

But it wasn’t just the lyrics. It was the vocal. As I said in a previous Mellow Gold, the vocal for “Ride Like The Wind” is edgy if you consider Emo Phillips edgy. He doesn’t sound like he’s in danger, or even mildly threatened. He just sounds so whiny, and…hey, you know who he sounds like? He sounds like that d-bag from Washington Square Park!

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/inline/rideliketheramen.mp3]

Anyway, you all know what I’m leading up to at this point: the fact that the reason this song was a #2 hit – and a Mellow Gold classic – is because of one person.

I don’t know how they met, and frankly, I don’t give a shit. All that’s important was that McD joined Cross in the studio, and added some great lead vocal lines – most likely because Cross was busy with an Egg McMuffin.

I know that you’re all chomping at the bit right now, thinking “SCTV! SCTV!” Here’s the clip from SCTV – later referenced in a Yacht Rock ep – of Michael McDonald recording his vocal.

I like this clip, but it drives me nuts, because it’s historically inaccurate: they don’t include McD singing the “ba da ba da” part. That was, like, all McD, man! Damn.

Anyway, you have to love McD’s part on this song. (And I mean that: it’s a requirement for visiting this site.) I think the whole song should have been McD. My favorite McD moment in this song is the very last “such a long way to go.” It’s a bit varied from the others, and has that sound of “C’mon, Chris, how many more times are you gonna make me sing this line? I can’t write this for you,” with Chris in the control booth, speculating on how much of a moneymaker McD will be, frantically betting on horses and going, “Just one more, Mike! Please!”

So although the truth is probably that the Cross/McD hookup was probably orchestrated by producer Michael Omartian or somebody at Warner Bros owed a favor, the two became friends and co-collaborators. (One day we’ll take a look at the non-MG song “Someday,” by Cross with McD backing vocals. Jeff sent it to me one day and I subquently played it 14 times in a row.) Here’s a performance of “Ride Like The Wind” from McD’s A Gathering Of Friends DVD.

It strikes me that going to see Christopher Cross live might be the most tepid concert imaginable. Although here’s what makes this clip awesome:

- Christopher Cross actually sounding weak on “My body’s weak.” I’ve heard three live performances of this song, and I have yet to hear him actually hit the right note on the word “weak.” How apropos! He just always goes a little flat.

- Backing vocals: Kim Carnes, y’all! Top single of 1981, and now she’s singing backup on “Ride Like The Wind” in The Michael McDonald Band.

- Michael McDonald’s vocals, obviously, but specifically his last “such a long way to go,” which impresses Cross enough that he forgets to come in with the next line and has to rush it, and his ad-libs over Cross’s guitar solo.

- Cross’s guitar solo. He’s a great fucking guitarist, actually, which you’d never know from the mellow original. See, on the original, he’s rippin’ it on guitar, but Omartian knew: don’t put the guitar higher than McD. Nobody knows you play guitar, Chris, and that’s okay. Let them think you just sit and eat Combos while the Doobie Brother does the heavy lifting.

Need more Cross/McD? Here’s a clip from ‘98, notable because McD is playing keyboards and looks like he came from the same Dunkin’ Donuts that Cross just left. Also, Cross still can’t hit the notes. He gets points for consistency, though.

Despite all this ribbing, “Ride Like The Wind” has endured as a classic, and not just to us mellow-lovin’ dorks enthusiasts. The kids seem to like “Ride Like The Wind” as well. Do a search on iTunes, and you’ll find countless remixes and remakes - even entire EPs - devoted to “Ride Like The Wind.” Here are two for your listening pleasure:

Ride Like The Wind (remix) (download) I don’t know anything about this one except that Jeff gave it to me. I think he has an entire album of Christopher Cross and Stephen Bishop dance mixes.

Ride Like The Wind (Layman Mix) (download) – this one comes from the excellent Born Again ’80s, which you should check out if, you know, you like ’80s songs. And remixes.

Well, I think I’ve made enough fat jokes for one week, don’t you? Ride like the wind, mellow miners, and we’ll see you next time on Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

Hey, hey! Wednesday’s here! And that means that it’s time to review the wimpiest music on the planet! We do it every week here on Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold! I can’t stop talking like a ’70s jockey!

Climax Blues Band – Couldn’t Get It Right (download)

I know, I know: didn’t we just talk about these guys? We sure did, just a month ago. Why cover them again? Well, one answer would be that we need to recognize – and dare I say, worship – those bands that are capable of striking (mellow) gold twice. Another, more accurate answer would be that “Couldn’t Get It Right” is going to be part of an upcoming Chart Attack!, and my twitchy little brain goes nuts when I come across a chart featuring untapped mellow-y goodness. So, off we go.

Now, I’m sure you all have virtually memorized Mellow Gold #27, and therefore know the story of Climax Blues Band by heart. If not, have no fear. Here’s the Nine-Point-Recap!

1) Band formed in 1968.
2) Band had no hits that year.
3) Or the next.
4) Or the next.
5) Finally had a hit in 1977 with “Couldn’t Get It Right.”
6) Band had no hits the next year.
7) You get the picture. Band has their next hit in 1981 with “I Love You.” Except for one member, entire band hated it. The guys refused to play on the recording, and never played it in concert.
9) Band changed members, still performs, and yet you continue not to care.

I know: if only I had offered this summary back in #27, you could have saved a good seven minutes! If you remember nothing else, just remember this: these guys eventually turned down “I Love You.”

So although I ooohed and aaahed over “I Love You,” that song only reached #12. I do think it’s the more mellow of the two, but “Couldn’t Get It Right” certainly qualifies as official Mellow Gold. After all, it has the characteristic…uh…the unmistakable…um…the inimitable….wait, what the hell was so interesting about these clowns, anyway? Well, courtesy of Songfacts, let’s let Derek “Yes, I wrote ‘I Love You,’ what’s your fucking problem?” Holt explain what made the band – and this single – so darn special.

Colin Cooper used to sing the lead – the low vocal, and I used to sing an octave higher. And then, because 4 of us sang in the band, we used to harmonize. The fact that we had the dual singing the same line but with an octave split made the sound very unique, and it’s still very unique today. Whenever people use it I think it’s great. That was one of our trademarks, we just used to sing together in unison.

Hey! What a coincidence – this was one of the trademarks of my high school band, too! I mean, it’s not that we couldn’t harmonize, we just, uh….didn’t want to! It’s called “dual singing,” you morons! Or have you not heard of “dual singing” where you live? That’s the problem with you people today – you have your fancy computers, and your “Internet,” and your Twitter, and you don’t take the time to learn about important rock techniques! YOU create something! Like dual singing! Always naysaying! You’re out of the band.

Where was I? Oh yes, dual singing. These guys thought dual singing was an actual technique, and remember: these guys eventually turned down “I Love You.” Dual singing gave this song a lot of its mellow groove, but to paraphrase that chick who sang with Don Henley, sometimes wusscle just ain’t enough. Not only that, there really aren’t any keyboards, and a whole lot of funky, crunchy guitar. What the hell’s going on here? This isn’t Mellow Gold!

But there’s something else. In fact, I think Holt meant to talk about it in his above paragraph. Here’s the quote he leaves out of this interview.

Also, as a group, we had a collective boner for the cowbell. Seriously, we would have had sex with it. We tried to have sex with it. What? The ladies weren’t around, okay? Don’t judge us. Few people know the truth: “I Love You” is actually sung to a cowbell.

I’m trying my best here not to make any “more cowbell” jokes. They were really funny in 2000, and have decreased in humor exponentially each time some douche exclaims “I got a fev-ah!” (Exception: unless it’s me or Mike. Then, it’s hysterical.) The truth is, though, that the famous Saturday Night Live sketch would have done just as well, if not better, if they had gone with “Couldn’t Get It Right” instead of “Don’t Fear The Reaper.” There’s cowbell on every beat of the song. Every. Single. Beat. And you know that shit wasn’t looped; some Climax Blues Bozo was prancing around the studio, hittin’ a stick against that cowbell like his life depended on it. I’m seeing Will Ferrell, aren’t you?

Let’s look at some of these lyrics. For starters, how do you get more Mellow Gold than a title like “Couldn’t Get It Right?” Jesus, that’s like the Mellow Gold Motto right there! The Boy Scouts had “Be Prepared,” the Wusses had “Couldn’t Get It Right.” Unfortunately, this song isn’t about what you think it’s about: it’s not about endless attempts to get a woman to appreciate your sensitivity and subsequent pathetic, whiny self-loathing. Again, Mr. “No! No! I am not going to defend ‘I Love You’ again!” Holt:

The song is about being on the road in America. “Looking for a sign in the middle of the night” being about the old Holiday Inn signs, really, because the moment you saw the Holiday Inn sign, that meant you got a bed for the night.

Their biggest hit is about a Holiday Inn, and remember: these guys eventually turned down “I Love You.”

Well, okay, maybe that’s just part of the song. How does it start?

Timeless drifting, this rock had got to roll

“This rock had got to roll?” You guys turned down “I Love You” but were okay with “this rock had got to roll?” What the fuck is wrong with you people? I understand that “Couldn’t Get It Right” was your biggest hit, climbing to #3, but were you really that far above the simple message of “I Love You?” If Climax Blues Band could defend themselves right now, I’d bet they’d do it with one guy talking in an octave above the other one. Idiots.

I realize that I’m coming off like a little bit of a hater of this song; it’s really not the case. I think the song is solid, with a great, funky groove, but I just find it a bit silly that the guys thought that it was so awesome that it was the new Climax Blues Band standard (and where was the blues, anyway?), and their other mellow hit just wasn’t meeting their expectations. Sorry, guys: when your most prevalent instrument is a cowbell and you’re talking about how happy you are to find a Holiday Inn in the middle of the night and you’re bringing in Robert John to sing octaves above your lead singer, you don’t have much of a leg to stand on.

Oh well. It is what it is, right? So maybe these guys hated the more mellow of their songs, but what they had forgotten was that with “Couldn’t Get It Right,” they were already members of the MG crew; perhaps they should have embraced it. Had they learned nothing from Ambrosia?

Enjoy your week, everybody, and see you next time on Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!