This week you get another extended post so we can finish up the letter F nice and clean. Without further ado, I give you the final batch of artists whose names begin with the sixth letter of the alphabet and who reached the ass end of the Billboard Hot 100 in the ’80s.

Fortune
“Stacy” — 1985, #80 (download)

Fortune is an AOR band formed in Los Angeles in 1977. They released their debut self-titled record in ‘78, had a track called “Airwaves” on the Last American Virgin soundtrack in ‘82, then finally got around to their second album (also self-titled) in ‘85. “Stacy” comes from the second album, which includes a whole mess of generic light-rock tunes.

David Foster
“The Best of Me” — 1986, #80 (download)
“Winter Games” — 1988, #85 (download)

There’s just no way I have it in me to discuss the shittiness of Foster’s duet with Olivia Newton-John, “The Best of Me,” or Foster in general, when Terje Fjelde lives and breathes the guy — read Into the Ear of Madness while listening to these tracks.

4 by Four
“Want You for My Girlfriend” — 1987, #79 (download)

My first thought was 4 by Four simply wanted to be the next New Edition: good-looking kids with slick pop-filled R&B hooks. But I listen to this song and hear a lot of Prince in it as well. Zero in on the 2:20 mark and I swear you’ll hear the first bar of Prince’s “Controversy.”

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Badly Drawn Boy - Thunder Road from Uncut Magazine Bruce Springsteen Tribute Volume 1(2003)
The Knack - Don’t Look Back from Get the Knack (remastered edition) (1979/2002)
John Hiatt - Johnny 99 from One Step Up/Two Steps Back: The Songs of Bruce Springsteen (1997)
Patty Griffin - Stolen Car from 1000 Kisses (2002)
Southside Johnny & the Asbury Jukes - The Fever from I Don’t Want to Go Home (1976)
The Mavericks - All That Heaven Will Allow from What a Crying Shame (1994)
Deana Carter - State Trooper from Badlands: A Tribute to Bruce Springsteen’s Nebraska (2000)
Trisha Yearwood - Sad Eyes from Real Live Woman (2000)
The Smithereens - Downbound Train from One Step Up/Two Steps Back: The Songs of Bruce Springsteen (1997)
Ben E. King - 4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy) from One Step Up/Two Steps Back: The Songs of Bruce Springsteen (1997)
Billy Bragg - Mansion on the Hill from Uncut Magazine Bruce Springsteen Tribute Volume 2 (2003)
Sonny Burgess - Tiger Rose from Sonny Burgess (1996)
Thea Gilmore - Cover Me from Uncut Magazine Bruce Springsteen Tribute Volume 1 (2003)
John Wesley Harding - Jackson Cage from One Step Up/Two Steps Back:The Songs of Bruce Springsteen (1997)
The Reivers - Atlantic City from Cover Me: Songs by Springsteen (1984)
Johnny Cash - Highway Patrolman from Johnny 99 (1983)
Dion - Book of Dreams from Deja Nu (2000)
Linda Ronstadt and Emmylou Harris - Across the Border from Western Wall: The Tucson Sessions (1999)
Bruce Springsteen - I Ain’t Got No Home from Folkways: A Vision Shared (1988)

It may be the height of over-sharing to admit this, but Revenge of the Nerds was a movie that really spoke to me in high school.  As a computer-loving, comic book-collecting, Dungeons & Dragons-playing sophomore, I certainly related to Lewis and Gilbert and their struggle and desire to fit in.  Maybe I wasn’t as persecuted as they were, but I certainly felt a kinship for being teased for being smart and not athletic (not that I was any sort of genius, mind you).  While the movie was meant to be another Animal House-style comedic romp, the background and weight given to the lead characters led to a few actually somewhat poignant moments.

But for all those thoughtful moments, Revenge of the Nerds was most certainly primarily a comedy, with plenty of classic, repeatable lines (”What the fuck are ‘robster craws?’”) and memorable scenes, such as the infamous panty raid as pretext for hiding cameras in a sorority (talk about predicting the future of the Internet early!).  Also memorable was the movie’s soundtrack, a hodgepodge of minor New Wave also-rans and never-weres, like Gleaming Spires and Bone Symphony.

Gleaming Spires began life as a band called Bates Motel, gigging around Los Angeles in the early ’80s.  It was there they were discovered by Ron and Russell Mael, and Bates Motel became the new backing band for Sparks, playing on Whomp That Sucker, Angst in My Pants and Sparks in Outer Space.  During this period, with an okay from the Maels, the group began recording on their own again under the name Gleaming Spires, releasing a few albums and a novelty New Wave number called “Are You Ready for the Sex Girls,” (download) which got some airplay on KROQ.  A year or so later, it also ended up being used in Nerds during the Lambda Lambda Lambda/Omega Mu bash.  Gleaming Spires recorded one more album after their Nerds exposure, then faded away. (more…)

CALLING GLORIA

Laura Branigan is a classic example of a great and underrated talent whose life and career were cut short far too soon. Laura possessed an elastic alto voice with a stunning four-octave vocal range. She began her career with stints as a backing vocalist for Leonard Cohen and as a member of the group Meadow. She was signed to Atlantic Records by the legendary Ahmet Ertegun, and after much delay, her debut solo album, Branigan, was released in 1982. All the voices in your head made “Gloria,” the album’s second single, a surprise worldwide smash. The song reached #2 in the U.S., eventually spent a record-setting 36 weeks on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart, and racked up sales of over two million copies. In 1983 “Gloria” earned Laura her first of four Gammy nominations for Best Pop Vocal Performance—Female. Thanks in large part to its most prominent hit single, the Branigan album went gold. Not bad for the new gal on the block.

The spring of ‘83 saw the release of Laura’s second album, the cleverly titled Branigan 2. Building on the success of the first album, Branigan 2 managed to spin off two more major hits. The Diane Warren-penned “Solitaire” sailed into the top ten on the pop charts based on the strength of Laura’s overly dramatic vocals and the track’s Euro-synth-pop sound. A little-known singer-songwriter named Michael Bolton gave her the tune “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You,” which settled in at #1 on the adult-contemporary chart and stayed there for three weeks. Laura’s original version is arguably better than Bolton’s eventual remake of the song he cowrote. After just two albums, it was now clear that Laura was no mere one-hit-wonder.

1984 brought the release of Self Control, her most successful album yet. The title track featured hushed, seductive vocals and a driving Euro beat. Thanks in part to a moody and rather controversial video, “Self Control” went to the top of the charts in numerous countries, became a dance-floor staple, and ended up being Laura’s biggest worldwide hit. Other hits from Self Control included the midtempo “The Lucky One” and the heartfelt ballad “Ti Amo.” One of the highlights — and biggest surprises — of the album is Laura’s aching, impassioned version of the Carole King classic “Will You Love Me Tomorrow.” It’s easily one of her best performances and belongs in the collection of any Branigan or King fan.

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One of the questions I am occasionally asked by readers, other than “Are you sure you’re straight?,” is “Why don’t you write more?” (This is also the question I am asked most often by our Editor-in-Chief.) Without giving you the long lame-ass explanation about the various balls I’m juggling on a daily basis (yes, I’m sure), I’ll just say that I happen to be a very slow writer. CHART ATTACK! and other posts, like last week’s Earmageddon entries, take me days and days to write. I imagine they’d take even longer if I was actually funny.

And this is just one of the reasons why Jeff is my personal hero, folks. Not only does the man write articles of substance, but he churns ‘em out like babies on a polygamist compound. This week’s guest writer punked out with less than two days to spare; Sir Jefito came to my rescue and turned in this entire post in just over two hours. Yes, his kids went hungry, but that’s just the kind of guy he is — anything for Popdose.

So those of you who have been clamoring for another oldie chart, I’m happy to present this one to you. Enjoy, because we’ll be hovering around the ’80s until November. Give thanks to Jeff as he presents us with September 20, 1969! -JH

10. I Can’t Get Next to You — The Temptations Amazon iTunes
9. Little Woman — Bobby Sherman Amazon iTunes
8. Jean — Oliver Amazon iTunes
7. Get Together — The Youngbloods Amazon iTunes
6. (It Looks Like) I’ll Never Fall in Love Again — Tom Jones Amazon iTunes
5. Easy to Be Hard — Three Dog Night Amazon iTunes
4. A Boy Named Sue — Johnny Cash Amazon iTunes
3. Green River — Creedence Clearwater Revival Amazon iTunes
2. Honky Tonk Woman — The Rolling Stones Amazon iTunes
1. Sugar, Sugar — The Archies Amazon iTunes

Howdy, gang! Good to see all of you hungry Chart Attackers again — it’s been awhile, hasn’t it? I didn’t mean to be away for so long, but Jason’s got the CA! schedule booked pretty solid, and whenever I volunteer to take over for one of his weeks, he waves me away for some reason. I can’t figure it out. (It’s usually because you’ve just farted. -JH)

But this week? This week, Jason had no choice. Our old buddy Kurt — who you might remember from his on-again/off-again blog, Kurt’s Krap, and his appearances at Chartburn — was scheduled to lead you through this chart, but he slipped and sprained his vagina, forcing him to punk out cancel at the last minute. Never one to pass up an opportunity to attack a chart, I quickly agreed to take over, at which point I realized I was -5 years old when these songs were popular. Shit! (more…)

September 17, 1978, is a Sunday.

Egyptian president Anwar Sadat and Israeli prime minister Menachem Begin sign the Camp David Accords. The peace agreement was reached after 12 days of secret negotiations mediated by President Jimmy Carter, who will win the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts. Carter also designates the coming week as National Port Week. The Guttenberg, Iowa, fire department responds to a car fire. In South Middleton, Massachusetts, a man reports seeing six “humanoid figures” in reflective clothing standing beside the road in front of his house; after a few minutes, they walk into the woods and disappear. In LaPorte, Indiana, the new LaPorte Historical Society museum opens. Hurricane Greta strikes Honduras. In Monroe, Wisconsin, Archie Myers is grand marshal of the Cheese Days parade; a newly minted college freshman who grew up in Monroe attends the parade that afternoon and reluctantly returns to school that night.

It’s the third Sunday of the NFL season, which has expanded from 14 games to 16 this year; Oakland defeats Green Bay 28-3. Bobby Allison wins the NASCAR Delaware 500. In the American League, the Boston Red Sox defeat the New York Yankees 7-4; New York leads Boston in their division by two and a half games, having made up a 14-game deficit since July. The season will come down to a one-game playoff on October 2, won by the Yankees. Battlestar Galactica premieres on ABC, and the 25th season of The Wonderful World of Disney premieres on NBC. The CBS news show 60 Minutes begins a new segment called “A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney.” CBS also airs promos for a new series that will premiere the following night: WKRP in Cincinnati.

AC/DC plays Allentown, Pennsylvania; Little Feat plays Chapel Hill, North Carolina; Black Sabbath and Van Halen play Kansas City, Missouri; Bob Dylan plays New Haven, Connecticut; Bruce Springsteen plays New York City; saxophonist Dexter Gordon plays San Francisco; and Frank Zappa plays Atlanta. On the Billboard Hot 100 dated September 16, 1978, the top five singles are in the same positions as the previous week: “Boogie Oogie Oogie” by A Taste of Honey is #1, followed by “Three Times a Lady” by the Commodores,” “Hot Blooded” by Foreigner, “Hopelessly Devoted to You” by Olivia Newton-John, and “Kiss You All Over” by Exile. The only new entry in the top ten is Boston’s “Don’t Look Back,” at #8. The highest-charting new song is Barry Manilow’s “Ready to Take a Chance Again,” at #70. And the biggest mover on the chart is Ambrosia’s “How Much I Feel”, moving from #80 to #63 in its third week.

M83 - “Teen Angst”

Placebo - “Teenage Angst”

Zack: It’s hard to argue that there’s anybody who has a better grasp of teen angst than Gordon Gano of the Violent Femmes. But Brian Molko of Placebo comes close. Growing up as a theater-obsessed, androgynous (and eventually bisexual) child in a family that rarely spent more than two years in a single location, I guarantee the only thing Molko dreaded more than having to interact with his dad, an international banker, was going to school. In an FHM interview, Molko claimed to have been forced to leave his school in Luxembourg due to excessive bullying, and given his nature and appearance, is it hard to doubt? And what does M83’s Anthony Gonzalez have to say about his life as an adolescent? “I loved being a teenager. That’s when I discovered music and started to take drugs and make parties [sic] with my friends. I really started to discover new things. Nowadays I would like to be a teenager again.” Wow. Someone get this poor guy a rag so he can wipe off all the angst.

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It’s amazing sometimes to see how music brings the world together.

I was food shopping with my wife last week and “867-5309/Jenny” by Tommy Tutone was playing in the store. Even though I’m not a big fan of most of the larger hits of the ’80s, it was the only song that caught my ear the entire time I was there. After the song ended, I found myself whistling it through the next few aisles. About five minutes later, this goth-looking dude with a ton of tattoos passed me and was singing the chorus. Not long after that I passed a couple that had to be in their 70s, and the old man was repeating the famous phone number to his wife. So, at least five minutes after “867-5309″ was over, there was me, a goth kid, and an old man all still being entertained by it. Somewhere the guys from Tommy Tutone are smiling.

NEW SOUNDS FOR THE COLLECTION:
Riot, Restless Breed
Accept, Metal Heart
Europe, Wings of Tomorrow
Johnny Gill, Johnny Gill
Axe, Offering

This week we look at the final nine artists whose names begin with the letter C as we give you 15 more Bottom Feeders from the Billboard Hot 100 chart in the ’80s.

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Eric Clapton - “I’ve Got a Rock and Roll Heart”

Dave: Did Clapton have to record this to pay back the writers for lending him money for blow? This record is such a piece of dogshit that a couple of Phil Collins-produced records and selling out to Michelob were considered a “return to form.” And that lyric “I get off on screaming guitars” would be horrible even if the guitar lick actually, you know, screamed. Maybe the problem was that he was too busy removing his dick from the tailpipe of a ‘57 Chevy to realize his tone sucked.

Scott: What do you have against a man and his masturbatory habits, David? When Clapton recorded this song, he’d kicked drugs for the first time; he needed something to get his rocks off. Still, this song isn’t that bad. It’s an natural extension of the drug fueled reggae influenced shuffles he churned out in the 70’s, except this time he was sober. Maybe “I get off” was a bad selection of words, but when you look at the charts from 1983 (Men at Work, Human League, Culture Club) who the hell expected this song to be a hit? Certainly not Clapton. The look of his face on the cover of “Money and Cigarettes” tells it all: “I don’t give a shit. I’m Eric Clapton.” I’m sure some dumb ass exec enthusiastically told him that this song was a bona fide hit. To which Clapton most likely replied, “Fuck it, ya poofter, release whatever god damn song you want. I’m ERIC FUCKING CLAPTON! Now bring me a Trans Am, I’m through with that saggy old Chevy.” Seriously, the song’s obviously a throwaway that became a fluke hit. How else do you explain him selling his soul to the devil and teaming up with Phil Collins?
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No, I’m not dead, but neither can it really be said that I’ve been resting, either. Sorry for the monthlong interim between columns, but I was in Los Angeles July 7-23 covering the Television Critics Association press tour, and I returned to a combination of family stuff and car issues that kept me hopping for well over a week after my return. To give you an idea of what my luck was like with my car, it died on my wife while she was in a McDonald’s drive-thru and involved trips to the AAA Service center and Pep Boys as well as two trips to the Hyundai dealership to work out the issue. And while I was borrowing my father’s truck during all these vehicle woes, the truck managed to get a flat tire and have its battery die on me. As for the family stuff, well, as it happens, that brings me to the subject of this week’s column.

If things had gone differently, this column would’ve run last week or even the week before, because the intent was to have it go live on the week of my daughter’s third birthday. Her name is Allyson Faith Harris. She was an in-vitro baby, and we’re pretty sure the doctors at the New Hope Center for Reproductive Medicine slipped a few extra “cute” and “smart” genes into her petri dish, because she’s both things, and this isn’t just typical proud papa crap — a few weeks ago we drove past a Chick-Fil-A, and the kid said, “Look, Daddy, they have an indoor play area!” A few months ago I told her I thought we didn’t need to put gas in the car until the morning, and she put on a pouty face and said, “I’m so disappointed that we’re not going to the gas station.” This was a two-year-old. I don’t know where she stands on an emotional level, but at the very least she’s got a pretty darned advanced vocabulary for her age. As for the cuteness, you be the judge:

Allyson stayed on the bike — this time.

Yes, as you can see by her shirt, the kid is into music. She could name all four Beatles before she was two, her favorite songs are Nick Lowe’s “Cruel to Be Kind” and the Left Banke’s “Pretty Ballerina,” and, perhaps most importantly, when she hears the Crayons’ “Allyson Fell Off the Bike,” she immediately says, “That’s my song!”

Who are the Crayons? That’s a fair question. Heck, even I didn’t know who the Crayons were until I discovered them on the sixth volume of the ongoing series of International Pop Overthrow compilations, but when I happened upon their selection, a little ditty called “Allyson Fell Off the Bike,” I was enamored immediately. The slightly ominous riff at the beginning of the song instantly made me think of Echo & the Bunnymen’s “The Killing Moon,” which was a surprising enough touch to hear on a collection of power-pop artists, and with my interest held, I was so swept up in the huge chorus that I knew it was time to head straight to my computer and find out if the Crayons had an entire album.

Fortunately, they did, and its title asked a highly appropriate question for a band called the Crayons: What Color Are You?

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