Happy Monday, folks! What says “starting off the work week” like counting down the Top 10 of Billboard’s Hot 100? Nothing, that’s what, so let’s get to counting!

The last time we visited the Hot 100, this damn song was on it, and here it is, still hanging around. Previously, I said I loved it because it represents — it has to represent — the ludicrous end of the road for the Auto Tune plague that has smothered Top 40 radio like a smallpox-infected blanket for the last year and change. Admittedly, that really doesn’t fit the standard definition of love, but it’s more than I can say about “Lollipop” this week.

I don’t hate Lil Wayne, and I don’t even really hate “Lollipop,” but I can’t hear past that damn vocal gimmick — which is probably the point; take it away, and there isn’t much of a song left over. Of course technology has been masking artistic weaknesses for decades; from a certain point of view, this little dung heap is to the ’00s what, say, Rick Springfield’s “Celebrate Youth” was to the ’80s. Does this mean Lil Wayne is five years away from playing casinos and state fairs? Cross your fingers.

Ryan Tedder has his finger on the pulse of ballad-loving listeners’ music-buying habits right now, and he’s pressing down as hard as he possibly can — between this track and OneRepublic’s “Apologize,” he’s been making melodramatic girls (and melodramatic girls at heart) sniffle into the distance for all of 2008. Tedder’s songs are wafer thin, but he understands how to build a simple hook and beat a listener over the head with it — and he lucked out when Lewis’ producers handed her this song to wrap her pipes around. For a guy who got his start writing songs for Hilary Duff, it probably doesn’t get much better than this.

I’ve never watched American Idol, but I know enough about the show to know that each season’s winner is strong-armed into recording a Manilow-scented ballad for his or her debut single, and this is David Cook’s. And again, having never watched American Idol, this is my first experience with Cook, so I think most of you will understand why I’m having a hard time understanding the source of his appeal. Enlighten me.

Rihanna is unstoppable right now, largely due to her immense likeability as a performer — and also thanks to her mostly impeccable taste in material, including this bitterly funny (albeit musically lazy) kiss-off. The only really shitty thing about this single is that it arrives tacked onto a “deluxe reissue” of Rihanna’s most recent album, the year-old Good Girl Gone Bad — but hey, we’re in the age of digital distribution, so as crass as its release is, at least nobody has to buy the record over again to get the single. Thanks, iTunes!

It’s a nice enough single, and both of these performers are appealing, but holy shit, how has this song wound up going platinum and spending more than 20 weeks on the chart?

I just reviewed this album, so I can say with confidence that “Love in This Club” is one of the worst songs on it — which should be good news for LaFace, assuming they can keep their heads out of their asses long enough to send a few of the record’s stronger cuts up the charts. In the meantime, this is an innocuous return to the airwaves for Usher, and his singles should only get better for the next year or so, after which we can no doubt look forward to a deluxe reissue of Here I Stand.

My brain tells me that Ray J is an irritating doofus. My brain tells me that Moesha’s brother could never cobble together enough talent to create a single worth listening to. Unfortunately, my brain cannot keep me from thinking “Sexy Can I” is one of the best tracks to make it to the Top 10 this year. Will I regret saying this later? Probably — it hurts just to type it. For now, though, I’m listening to this and enjoying it one more time.

This one gets the Ann Veal Award for the week, bestowed upon the single that does the most impressive job of turning utter mediocrity into inexplicable longevity. I suppose you could make the argument that 10 weeks in the Top 10 doesn’t really qualify as “longevity,” but have you heard this song? (You probably have, and you just don’t remember. Trick question!)

In which an unspeakably bland pop song is given the big-budget video treatment, resulting in a random assortment of shots depicting urban parachuting, punching through walls, levitation, and Bollywood-style dancing. Is the video a heartbreaking waste of money? Yes. Is it much, much better than the song? Also yes.

Hey everybody, it’s the band you love to hate (unless you’re an employee or shareholder of Capitol/EMI)! Here’s the second shot fired in advance of the album that stands the best chance of pushing EMI shares above $13 this summer, and although I’m guessing it’s probably already trendy to say it sucks — not least because it’s being used in an Apple commercial — I’ve got nothing bad to say about “Viva La Vida” (download), except for that it isn’t as good as “Clocks” or “The Scientist,” and that the lack of a studio version video longer than :30 anywhere on YouTube has pissed me off sufficiently enough to break with Billboarding tradition and offer up an mp3 of the song.

Counting down to Web Sheriff warning in the comments section: 10…9…8…

Howdy, pardners! It’s been a couple of weeks since we moseyed down Billboard way, so what do you say we hop along down to the Hot Country Top 10 and see what’s cooking in Nashville?

It’s hokey as hell, and James Otto looks uncomfortably like a young Ron Perlman, but I don’t hate “Just Got Started Lovin’ You.” On the other hand, I do think it’s sort of telling that the best thing about the song is the model Otto’s fooling around with in the video.

One year and four singles later, Paisley’s 5th Gear album is still going strong — it was just certified platinum last month, in fact. That’s astonishing longevity in the current industry climate, particularly for a release whose cover looks like it was designed with a stack of magazines, a roll of tape, and a bottle of Captain Morgan’s. Like three out of every seven country singles, “I’m Still a Guy” is total redneck pandering, but that’s fine. It’s hooky and even a little bit funny.

You might have changed the name, but you aren’t fooling us, Phil Vassar — we know this is a cover of “It’s a Beautiful Thing,” a ten-year-old hit from Canadian country singer Paul Brandt. Yes, you read that right: Canadian country. Shame on you, Phil Vassar.

A cute little blonde thing who sings spunky, catchy songs about being strong ‘n’ indepndent ‘n’ such — I realize Taylor Swift sounds like a focus group’s wet dream, but as much as I’d love to dismiss her as genetically modified corn, I can’t help grinning like a dummy whenever I hear one of her singles. I even used some of my eMusic downloads on this album a couple of months ago. I haven’t listened to it yet, but I know my long-term prospects for resistance are slim.

Strictly speaking, I don’t like country music. That being said, I can’t argue George Strait’s galaxy-spanning awesomeness, and neither can you.

Rascal Flatts, on the other hand, is (are?) not awesome. I say this despite the fact that my partial ownership of the publishing rights to a track on their first album has made me an embarrassing amount of money. “Embarrassing” being the key word here. I’m hearing this song for the first time as I watch the video and type this paragraph, but it’s hard to see, because I’m suffering flashbacks to Mike & the Mechanics’ “The Living Years” and Chicago’s “What Kind of Man Would I Be?”

Otherwise known as “Stop and Smell the Roses, Y’All, Part 479.”

Better than you’d expect from a band that made its chart debut backing Jim Brickman. Much better, actually.

It just isn’t a country top 10 without an appearance from ol’ Turtle Head Chesney, and this one — which finds Chesney putting a pedal-steel spin on Boston’s “A Man I’ll Never Be” — is better than most. Still, I’ve never been able to listen to his music without giggling, and this song is no different.

Hey, look! It’s another cute little blonde thing singing about being strong ‘n’ independent ‘n’ such! I guess this is a prequel to “Before He Cheats,” but seeing as how I’ve never heard “Before He Cheats,” I can’t vouch for this information firsthand. I’m not sure I can finish the song, actually. I’m not really sure why, but where I find Taylor Swift’s music irresistible, I’ve always just been sort of annoyed by Carrie Underwood.

…And that’s it for the Billboard Hot Country Top 10 this week, amigos! Meet me back here in two weeks when we tackle the dreaded “Hot AC” chart!

Two weeks ago in this spot, we took a look at the top 10 of Billboard’s Hot 100. How about we all mosey on over to the Modern Rock chart and see what’s going on there?

Someone’s been dipping into Kurt Cobain’s hair dye stash!

I keed, I keed. Actually, “Rise Above This” isn’t half bad — it’s certainly the best thing I’ve heard from South Africa’s preeminent post-grunge band, and given that it was written about lead singer Shaun Morgan’s brother — who, as you might have guessed from watching the video, committed suicide — it’s also virtually snarkproof.

For a band that got its first big break from a label best known for Shooting Star reissues, its second big break from Fred fucking Durst, and has always shown all the wit, charm, and talent you’d expect from fourth graders in a Sugar Ray tribute band, Puddle of Mudd has managed to stick around for an awfully long time. (Emphasis on the awful.) Here’s the good news: After weeks and weeks of lying around on the Top 10′s sofa, “Psycho” is finally starting to fade away. The bad news: The band has a new single, “We Don’t Have to Look Back Now,” and we’ll probably be covering that soon.

Geffen told Rivers Cuomo he needed to write a hit, so he gave ‘em “Pork and Beans” — and even if it hasn’t done much on the Hot 100 yet, it’s kicking ass on this chart, and folks who care about Weezer seem to like it. Me, I’ve never understood the band’s appeal, but I liked that one video with the Muppets in it. Does this video have Muppets? No? All right. Moving on.

It’s more of an actual song than “Becoming the Bull,” and the video’s pretty funny, but still … Atreyu? Really? Even Limahl must have giggled when he heard that band name.

As I write this, my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter is walking around the kitchen singing “I can ride my bike with no handlebars.” I guess that makes this her favorite song on the chart this week, so I won’t tell her that Flobots opened for the Fray.

Nope, still don’t give a fuck about Jack White’s music. You’re welcome to try and enlighten me, but no one else has been able to do it.

I refuse to believe that music today is any worse than it was in the ’80s, ’70s, ’60s, or any other decade — but if you’re the type of person who does believe it, then the fact that 3 Doors Down has sold more than 13 million records in the last 11 years is probably one of the main reasons why. This is the second single from their upcoming album 3 Doors Down (not to be confused with 1997′s 3 Doors Down); like all of their other songs, it elevates “aggressively dull” to an art form.

In which Chester Bennington screams “put me out of my fucking misery” during a Linkin Park song, and for the first time, I feel like we have something in common.

Say what you will about this song’s eight-minute-plus length — although I think our esteemed Taylor summed it all up pretty well here — but I’m honestly happy that a song this supremely uncommercial is a single with an honest-to-gosh video. Speaking as someone who found himself physically unable to stop listening to Plans for much of 2005, I am quite stoked about the new album.

The last time I looked at this chart was in early March, and this song was in the tenth slot then, too. Has it moved in the interim? I confess, I do not know, but since it’s in the same place it was the last time I listened to it, I’ll just repeat what I said then, which is: Sure, it sounds and looks like it comes from the soundtrack to a focus-grouped drama about the exploits of a sexy group of 20somethings hanging out at CBGB’s in 1979 — but it also exudes effortless, disaffected cool, the way rock & roll is supposed to. Hats off to the Bravery, I guess.

And that’s it for this installment of Billboarding, folks! Meet me back here in two weeks for a look at another chart. Which one will it be — country? R&B? Oh God, will it be adult contemporary? Find out next time!

… In which we take a twice-monthly look at the top ten of one of Billboard magazine’s many singles charts. This week: the Hot 100!

Honestly, I’m torn. On the one hand, I honestly believe there’s an art to crafting a heartfelt, yet perfectly inoffensive, midtempo ballad — and if the vocalist can get it across without suffering a melismatic meltdown, so much the better. On the other hand, “Bleeding Love” was co-written by Ryan Tedder, frontman for the terrible OneRepublic, so I’m pretty sure common decency requires me to hate it. Sorry, Leona! I would say “better luck next time,” but I’ve heard the rest of your album, and I know there wouldn’t be any point.

I love “Lollipop,” and let me tell you why: Lil Wayne’s migraine-inducing “singing” here surely represents the final shark-jumping of the vocoder effect that the kids apparently can’t get enough of. It’s barely a song, but if it kills this trend dead, it deserves a Grammy.

I’ve never watched American Idol, so I have no feel for where Jordin Sparks falls on the great vanilla continuum of the show’s former contestants, or whether she and Kimberley Locke are actually the same person. R&B fans need cliched ballads just as much as the rest of us, so “No Air” is performing sort of a public service, I guess, but I can’t help wondering what it would sound like if Ozzy and Lita were singing instead of these two.

I can’t find a single version of the actual video that’s allowing embedding, so fuck it — here’s some girl doing a cover in her bedroom, on the ukulele. I like this version better anyway. Usher is stupid.

Mimi’s record-setting 18th Number One drops from the top spot to Number Five this week, but I still prefer it to any of the songs outranking it — even if, as Jason has repeatedly complained, the lyrics make a soon-to-be-totally-dated YouTube reference. I could take or leave a lot of her stuff, and “Touch My Body” is wafer thin, but it’s also a lot of fun.

Aside from his extracurricular activities, I know nothing about Ray J; I’d always assumed he was the sort of C-list singer who spent his summers playing water parks and ribfests. I also had no idea Epic had gotten into the habit of picking up after KOCH’s sloppy seconds. Oh, and here’s something else I’d never have guessed: I can’t help liking “Sexy Can I.” This should have been a summer hit.

After whiffing with American Life and Confessions on a Dance Floor, Madonna apparently didn’t want to hedge her bets for her final Warners hurrah, and went out and got herself a pair of real live chartbusters for the lead-off single. “4 Minutes” is a pile of hooks, propped up by icy synths, all stridently, adamantly forward-looking — in other words, it’s vintage Madonna, which is why it’s sort of funny that she makes what amounts to a cameo appearance on the song. Remember the good old days, when aging, hit-hungry artists just called Don Was? It was a simpler, more innocent time.

Hearts all over the world tonight are getting tired of hearing “With You.” This was released as a single back in…what, December? It’s nice to see a song have legs once in awhile, but still — in another few weeks, this is going to go down as Chris Brown’s personal “Two Princes.”

Another one that seemingly can’t be embedded, but that’s fine — in the space of a couple of months, I’ve gone from kinda liking this song to wishing Sara Bareilles could be shipped off to an island with Colbie Caillat. It’s nice to have something breaking up all the canned hip-hop and R&B in the Top Ten, but does it always have to be chick pop that sounds like it was lifted from an episode of a show on the CW?

The hit we can’t get rid of, from the soundtrack to a sequel no one asked for. I’m pretty sure “Low” has been somewhere on the Top Ten for all of 2008 — you’d think that kind of longevity would wear down a person’s negative feelings for a song, but no; I hate it just as much now as I did back in January. The best thing about “Low” is that the movie it’s shilling, the horrible Step Up 2 the Streets, stars Briana Evigan, the daughter of Greg Evigan. You know, this guy:

…And that’s it for this week’s Billboarding, folks! Meet me back here in two Mondays, when we’ll look at the Top Ten from another chart!