I know, I know — at this very late date, I’m presenting you with the first entry of CHART ATTACK! for 2010. It’s been a busy year so far, with a whole bunch of things happening that you don’t care about. The important thing is that I’m here right now, baby. I’m here for you. And so is an aging Top 10 from years ago. This week, we head back a whopping 22 years to the Billboard chart from July 30, 1988!

10. I Don’t Wanna Go On With You Like That — Elton John
9. Rush Hour — Jane Wiedlin
8. 1-2-3 — Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine
7. New Sensation — INXS
6. Sign Your Name — Terence Trent D’Arby
5. Make Me Lose Control — Eric Carmen
4. Pour Some Sugar On Me — Def Leppard
3. Hands To Heaven — Breathe
2. Hold On to the Nights — Richard Marx
1. Roll With It — Steve Winwood

10. I Don’t Wanna Go On With You Like That — Elton John

As outlined in Rock Court (reminder: I won), Elton John has certainly fallen victim to the musical styles of the day before, and for that reason, I could certainly do without the synthy-piano sound he chose to use on “I Don’t Wanna Go On With You Like That.” I could also do without the incessant drum machine. However, underneath all this bull is a solid, catchy song with smart chord choices. (Music geek moment: sticking the A major in a song that’s in A minor works remarkably well.) Yeah, it’s a little busy and repetitive, but I’m willing to forgive a lot of it when listening to this phenomenal solo version from 1998.

Taken from Reg Strikes Back, this single was seen as a comeback of sorts — Elton’s previous studio album, 1986′s Leather Jackets, was his first absent of a Top 40 hit. This song peaked at #2, held from the top spot by George Michael’s “Monkey.” He wouldn’t hit the Top 10 again until 1991, reaching the top spot with “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me” with…George Michael. Clearly the two of them work well together, though last I heard, they were no longer speaking to each other. Divas.

9. Rush Hour — Jane Wiedlin

Did you guys know that Jane Wiedlin totally had a crush on me in 1988, despite the fact that I was only 11 years old? It’s true. Over the summer of ’88, I somehow got tickets to be in the studio audience for Don’t Just Sit There, a Nickelodeon variety show featuring comedy segments, product reviews, and a musical guest. I remember quite a bit about the show we attended, actually, such as how there was a house band that I wished I was old enough to join and an appearance from Mad magazine’s Dick DeBartolo, who was showing off some cool gadgets. Jane Wiedlin was the musical guest, promoting the single off of her new album Fur. I had no idea who Jane Wiedlin was, but I thought she was short and cute.

The show started and the hosts did their little bits, eventually introducing Jane for her segment about 30 minutes in. Jane started miming along with her single and seemingly caught my eye, which was easy as I was in the front row, wearing a bright red shirt my mom had picked out for me that day. Also, I was dashingly handsome. (Note: I did not know about her interests in BDSM until watching an episode of The Surreal Life years later.) Anyway, she seemingly looked straight at me and I gave her my happiest, most polite shit-eating grin back, freezing it for as long as possible while clapping along because what am I going to do when a singer starts looking at me, look away? No. I’ve always been very polite. And dashingly handsome. But here’s the weird thing: she just kept looking at me. I mean, at least I think she did. She, like, locked in on my eyes and just kept coming back to me. And it started off being weird, then confusing, then uncomfortable. And I remember actually thinking to myself: does Jane Wiedlin like me?

The song ended and the show went on, and that was that. And I now realize this whole thing could have totally been in my head. The crush thing, not the actual show. I was definitely at the actual show. The clip of Jane singing on the show is on YouTube, and you’ll have to take my word for it, but this is me. My hands are together in a clap. The arrow is placed over the girl I brought with me ’cause I totally had a crush on her, which went pretty much unrequited except for a brief peck on the lips in seventh grade.

Is that picture as unsatisfying for you as it is for me? To make up for it, here’s me standing behind Dave Price outside of The Early Show on July 16th, promoting Team In Training and the NYC Triathlon. Like my mohawk? Dave is making that face because I farted.

Clearly I had nothing of value to say about “Rush Hour.” Catchy hook, completely forgettable verses, and a video with dolphins. The end.

8. 1-2-3 — Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine

I feel bad for the guys in Miami Sound Machine. At first, it was easy: when people asked “What do you do?” they could answer “I’m in Miami Sound Machine,” which sounds cool. But then they had to be like “I’m in Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine,” which sounds not only awkward, but crowded. Finally, they just had to say “I’m in Gloria Estefan,” which seems enviable but probably doesn’t earn them any brownie points with their wives.

1988 was a killer year for Estefan, with all three singles from Let It Loose reaching the Top 10 (1987 saw “Rhythm Is Gonna Get You” hit #5 and “Betcha Say That” hit #36. “1-2-3″ peaked at #5 and was written by Estefan and one of the members of MSM, Enrique “Kiki” Garcia. In an interview, Garcia said “”There is no Miami Sound Machine. There is Gloria and [her husband] Emilio telling a bunch of hired musicians what to do.” Yeah, and your point is…?

Here’s the video for “1-2-3,” which features a keytar and a lot of leather, not to mention obligatory crowd noise over the studio track.

7. New Sensation — INXS

I listened to Kick a lot when I was 10 years old, and this was my favorite from the album. I liked happy music, so “Devil Inside” and “Never Tear Us Apart” didn’t do much for me at that age — though I did memorize all the lyrics to “Mediate.” “New Sensation” was the third of four top-ten singles from Kick, which puts INXS in the company of three other artists on this chart who had at least four Top 10 hits from a single album.

6. Sign Your Name — Terence Trent D’Arby (download)

I could have sworn I had written about D’Arby before, but I can’t find it in my archives, which means I had to go back to his website and remind myself of his new name (which is actually not so new anymore), Sananda Maitreya. His website says “WELCOME TO MY MONASTERYO,” which makes me giggle because I suddenly imagine a kind of Gilbert-and-Sullivan-esque song that someone like Bing Crosby could sing in an old movie, with lyrics like “Welcome to my monasteryo/I think that you’ll find it merryo” or something like that. I profess to not knowing much about anything other than this song and “Wishing Well” — you’d be best checking out Mojo Flucke’s column on Neither Fish Nor Flesh for more about him, or if you’re really interested in going in-depth, check out some of Sananda’s writing. (Paragraph breaks, Sananda! They are your friend!) This song remains fantastic.

5. Make Me Lose Control — Eric Carmen (download)

I’m not saying anything against “Make Me Lose Control” — I think it’s a good song and sounds even better in the summertime — but is there anybody out there who thinks Eric Carmen would’ve had a chance at a #5 hit without the previous success of “Hungry Eyes”? He hadn’t hit the Top 10 since 1975′s weepy “All By Myself.” Carmen was smart enough to capitalize on a good thing and pitched the song to producer Jimmy Ienner, who had recruited him for the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. (“Make Me Lose Control” does appear in Dirty Dancing, but was omitted from the soundtrack and only appears on Carmen hit compilations.) This song also features some of the Beach Boys in the acapella chorus near the end (fuck Mike Love).

Michael, my cohort from Acoustic ’80s, claims that this is one of those songs where everybody knows the chorus but nobody knows the verses. Is that true? Because I do actually know all the verses to this song. I don’t know all the lyrics, but I know they mention some girl named Jennifer and name-check “Uptown,” “Stand By Me” and a few other songs.

Here’s the video for “Make Me Lose Control,” mildly notable for a few things. First, Carmen’s hair is just gigantic. Even for 1988, that’s some big hair. Second, you’ll notice that the video opens with a disc jockey introducing Carmen’s song. The DJ is Kid Leo, famous for his work on Cleveland’s WMMS. He wasn’t the first choice for the video, though; Carmen wanted NYC’s Scott Shannon who agreed but backed out at the last minute. That’s why you’ll see Kid Leo throwing darts at a headshot of Scott Shannon at 4:06. This seems like a remarkable amount of energy for what amounts to a very small inside joke.

4. Pour Some Sugar On Me — Def Leppard

Like “Make Me Lose Control,” I’m not really going to say anything bad about “Pour Some Sugar On Me,” except that it contains some truly idiotic lyrics, and for that reason I think we can say that “Pour Some Sugar On Me” was a gateway song to “Let’s Get Rocked,” which is simply one of the dumbest songs ever written. “Sugar” gets a pass because I can’t understand half of the lyrics (or half of the lyrics on the entirety of Hysteria, for that matter), but “Rocked” is absolutely inane.

As my colleague Jon Cummings incredulously noted, this song was the fourth single released from Hysteria, and peaked at #2 behind Richard Marx, who we’ll be talking about shortly.

Nearly everyone is familiar with the “live” video for this song, but a completely different one was shot in 1986 at a house in Dublin. Members of Tesla appear in the audience shots, though I’ll have to take Wikipedia’s word for this as I wouldn’t know a member of Tesla if they were sitting in my house and singing “Signs.”

3. Hands To Heaven — Breathe

I always liked this song, and Breathe’s other Billboard hits, despite not being much of a fan of bands who use their name to tell me what to do. This is also why I don’t like Sting or Panic! At The Disco.

Speaking of Breathe’s other Billboard hits, who else can name ‘em without looking it up? I can! We had this one, we had “Don’t Tell Me Lies” (my favorite), and…”How Can I Fall?” All three are solid songs, but let’s throw some credit towards “Hands To Heaven” for two reasons. First, it was Breathe’s big US breakthrough, holding the #2 spot behind Little Stevie Winwood for two weeks. Second, I believe it is the only song that Popdose writer Ken Shane likes from the Billboard Hot 100 in 1988. He suggested it to us at the last Acoustic ’80s gig and I was blown away that of all the songs that hit the Hot 100 that year, this was the one he suggested. I was sure he was more of a “Nite and Day” kind of guy. Still, this is a good song and he has good taste.

Breathe disbanded shortly after their second album, which I’m not even going to name here ’cause I’m positive you’ve never heard it.

2. Hold On to the Nights — Richard Marx

The fourth and final single from Richard Marx’s debut album, “Hold On to the Nights” was his first #1 — though with his previous singles going no lower than #3, it’s not like he was slouching before this one. I can’t find information to back this up, but I don’t actually recall hearing the studio version on the radio in 1988 — I only recall hearing the live version, which was also the version released as a music video.

Those of you who have read my writing know that I’m a real fan of Marx, and I won’t go into all that here — but what I will say is that every time I’ve heard him speak about his career, either in the present or past tense, he’s sounded extremely grounded and modest. If you’re so inclined, see what I mean in this short video commentary about the song, which explains its connections to Missing Persons, Peter Gabriel, Kenny Loggins and Phil Collins.

1. Roll With It — Steve Winwood

My life wouldn’t be complete without at least one pointless debate with Jeff Giles each week. One of my favorites happened about four years ago, when Jeff posited that the drums on “Roll With It” were programmed. I simply couldn’t believe it — I couldn’t believe that Little Stevie Winwood (no, I don’t know why I’m insisting on this nickname this week) would infuse a blues-y, thick song like “Roll With It” with drum machines when he could easily get a kick-ass drummer to play on it. Jeff insisted the horns were fake, as were the drums, and there were synths as well (my belief was that the only keyboard on there was the Hammond B-3, and that wasn’t a synth). I think we bet $20. Jeff tried to get in touch with Jimmy Bralower, who was credited with “percussion, drum machine” on the album itself, but wasn’t able to do so.

Fast-forward to March of ’08, and Jeff was set to interview Little S Mister Winwood for some other website. I entrusted Jeff with asking two questions: I wanted to know about the drum machines in “Roll With It,” and I also wanted to know if he could finally tell us what the night could do, hoping that the answer would be “make it dark outside.” Jeff didn’t ask about the stupid night, but he did ask about “Roll With It” and finally got the answer.

So…what do you think? Live drums? Drum machine? Both? It’s the sound of me enjoying carnal relations with Jeff’s mother?

I was tempted to stop here and say “you’ll get the answer in the next edition of CHART ATTACK!, but I don’t think anybody’s going to give a damn in December. So here’s the answer: it was both. And not only was it both, but Steve was the one playing “quite a lot of” the live portion. According to Jeff, he laughed and admitted that it was a very “machine-driven groove.” So at the end of the day, I’m not sure who won the $20, but I think it was me and I also think he never paid me. I did get a copy of Milli Vanilli’s The Remix Album, which I’m fairly certain I never asked for.

Anyway, “Roll With It” hit #1 this week, and remained there for three weeks until unseated by Michael’s “Monkey.” (This is not a euphemism.) The song was initially credited to Winwood and his long-time writing partner Will Jennings, but after presented with a lawsuit alleging the song’s similarity to Junior Walker’s “Shotgun,” future pressings attributed the song to Winwood, Jennings, and Holland-Dozier-Holland.

Well, that was fun, wasn’t it? Thanks so much for writing, and who knows, maybe I’ll knock out another one of these before 2011. See you soon (?) for another edition of CHART ATTACK!

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So what’s on the table for this week? Well, let’s just say that I already know a few of you aren’t going to like this chart. See, one of my earliest CHART ATTACK! posts covered a week right around this one (featuring three of the songs from this chart), and many considered it to be a terrible week in music. I don’t necessarily agree, but I think it pretty much comes down to age. I was 12 years old when this chart came out, and while I agree that not all these songs are fantastic, most of these are the ones I just found myself surrounded by, both on the radio and on MTV, and so I wound up with a fondness for many of them. Let’s see if you agree or disagree, as we take on December 2, 1989!

10. Poison — Alice Cooper
9. When I See You Smile — Bad English
8. Don’t Know Much — Linda Ronstadt (featuring Aaron Neville)
7. Back to Life — Soul II Soul
6. Another Day in Paradise — Phil Collins
5. Love Shack — The B-52′s
4. Angelia — Richard Marx
3. (It’s Just) The Way That You Love Me — Paula Abdul
2. We Didn’t Start the Fire — Billy Joel
1. Blame It On the Rain — Milli Vanilli

10. Poison — Alice Cooper

You may be wondering how Alice Cooper managed a comeback on the charts in 1989, seeing as he hadn’t made a dent in the Top 40 since 1980, hadn’t reached the Top 10 since 1977, and had almost died about six times in the ’70s alone. Two words explain the whole thing: Desmond Child. Child is the songwriter behind a million songs that you know like the back of your hand, for better or worse: “Livin’ On a Prayer” and “You Give Love a Bad Name” are just two of the many hits he’s written (or co-written) for Bon Jovi, but he also wrote smash singles for Aerosmith (“Dude (Looks Like a Lady),” “Brand Tyler is a Very Viable Brand”), Kiss (“I Was Made For Loving You”) and even Ricky Martin (“Living La Vida Loca”). Cooper called on Child to help him produce, co-write and record his first album for Epic, which pretty much explains why the album features Jon Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora, and everyone in Aerosmith except for Brad Whitford. Poor Brad Whitford. He should start a band with James “J.Y.” Young from Styx.

Peaking at #7, “Poison” was the only single to make any real dent in the charts; two others placed outside the Top 40. It’s a good enough hard rock single, carried by Child’s production (it’s certainly not carried by Cooper’s voice) and I can see how it did well during the late ’80s — however, I have absolutely no recollection of hearing it on the radio at all in 1989 or 1990. In fact, shamefully, enough, the first time I heard the song was at my gym, where they regularly play the cover version by Groove Coverage, a German trance group. That’s the kind of thing I probably shouldn’t be admitting in public.

9. When I See You Smile — Bad English

Speaking of things I shouldn’t admit in public: I love this song. I love it despite the fact that it was written by Diane Warren and that the video features John Waite with an awful, awful haircut. I know it was the style at the time, but man, the late ’80s were not kind to him.

In fact, despite knowing what John Waite looked like from the oft-played “Missing You” video, I found him completely unrecognizable here, and didn’t actually know he was the lead singer of Bad English until sometime this decade. But never mind John Waite and his horrible fashion sense; I still love this song. I think it’s everything a power ballad should be: big keyboards, big drums, big hair (on everybody except John Waite) and, of course, a rockin’ guitar solo (though it’s way too short and doesn’t feature enough shredding). It’s awesome enough that they got away with making the second verse only two lines. Who needs more when you have a kick-ass prechorus on the horizon? And that’s what makes it this week’s Song of the Week!

I’ll mock Diane Warren for a million things, but man, this song said everything I wanted to say to my seventh grade girlfriend. So basically what I’m saying is that if you don’t like this song, you were too old when you first heard it.

8. Don’t Know Much — Linda Ronstadt (featuring Aaron Neville)

In the interest of time, is it okay if I just make this post one word? Because I’m thinking “Blech” might suffice. The song was written by three prolific songwriters: Tom Snow (co-writer of Selena’s “Dreaming Of You” and the Pointer Sisters’ “He’s So Shy,” among others) and the husband-wife team of Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil (James Ingram’s awesome “Just Once,” Sergio Mendes’ “Never Gonna Let You Go,” and with Phil Spector, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’”). They also co-wrote “Somewhere Out There,” which makes me wonder if that’s how Linda Ronstadt got her hands on it. I’m just looking for someone to blame.

And here’s the worst part: this is a cover! Mann first recorded it himself in 1980, Bill Medley recorded it in 1981 and Bette Midler recorded it in 1983. None of those versions are any good, but I still think this one is the worst, for a few reasons. First of all, it’s so Adult Contemporary that it makes me sick. I wonder if Lite-FM program directors knew they’d be playing this song for 20 goddamn years. Second of all, when did we decide Aaron Neville needed a comeback? And third of all, who thought it was a good idea for him to start a song by singing “Look at this face”? Who wants to look at Aaron Neville’s face? Or for Linda Ronstadt to stare at him and sing “look at these eyes”? DON’T MENTION EYES, LINDA! HE HAS A GIGANTIC MOLE OVER HIS RIGHT ONE! Of course she’s looking at those eyes! What the hell else could she look at? She’s only human!

I normally wouldn’t force you to hear this song again, but I think this video is worth watching. Ronstadt may have won a Tony in 1981, but her acting skills went out the window the day she had to sing “I know I love you” to Aaron Neville. Poor Aaron is doing everything he can to stay fixated on her, and yet she keeps looking away — to the left, to the right, to the camera, to the audience. In Aaron’s defense, he may have just been transfixed by that awful choice of lipstick.

7. Back to Life — Soul II Soul (download)

Technically, Billboard has the song title incorrect here — “Back to Life” is an acapella song released on Soul II Soul’s first album, Club Classics Vol. 1. Following the surprising success of their previous single “Keep On Movin’” which reached #11, the acapella track was remixed twice — the first simply adds instruments to the acapella version, and the second actually features different lyrics and a new chorus. In order to differentiate it from the album track, “(However Do You Want Me)” was added to the song’s title. So I guess I can’t rail on the parentheses here, huh?

I love this song and think it’s a damn shame that the U.S. didn’t get to hear more from Soul II Soul. I don’t know if I can put my finger on exactly what it is, but I remember finding this track just completely different from all the other dance tracks on the radio. Part of this most likely had to do with the talents of the group’s founder, Jazzie B, and his rotating group of other musicians — including Caron Wheeler, who sings lead on “Back to Life.” The group started as a sound system, and if you’re white and lame like me, you may have no idea what a sound system is. Wikipedia says that a sound system is “a group of DJs and engineers contributing and working together as one, playing and producing music.” So does this make them, like, a group of people who get together and jam? Or does one person bring the turntables and another brings the glow sticks? My lameness knows no bounds.

6. Another Day in Paradise — Phil Collins

Hey everybody, it’s the brand new single from Phil Collins! Good ol’ fun Phil Collins! The man who brought us “Sussudio” and “Don’t Lose My Number” and that awesome “Take Me Home” video where he’s in the limo! He’s so fun! What’s he got up for us next?

Wait, it’s a song about homelessness? BOO!

And who sings backup? David Crosby sings backup? BOOOOOOOO!

Well, maybe it won’t be so bad, ’cause the opening sounds a bit like “In the Air Tonight,” but…wait, those keyboards…crap, it’s Adult Contemporary! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I kid, I kid. “Another Day in Paradise,” though heavy-handed, was a great example of Collins using his megasuperstar status for good and not for evil (that would come with “Dance Into the Light” seven years later). Collins wrote it not only because he had strong feelings about the plight of the homeless, but because he felt it was different than his previous singles and would help shed any preconceived notions the public had about him (y’know, like that he was an Adult Contemporary artist…whoops). He noted that the song was not so much about the homeless but about the public’s willingness to just ignore the problem. Speaking of, I’m not saying Phil Collins is a bad person, but it seems like the logical choice would have been to donate all proceeds from this single to a homeless charity — and as far as I know, that didn’t happen. Huh. Maybe I am saying Phil Collins is a bad person.

The demo of this song was entitled “Homeless” (you don’t say!) and is kind of interesting in its variation — it’s in 6/8 time, and has a stark, ethereal feel.

“Another Day in Paradise” hit #1 on December 23rd, giving him the last #1 single of the decade, and stayed at #1 until January 13th, giving him the first #1 single of the next decade. It remains his most successful single, winning the Grammy for Record of the Year.

5. Love Shack — The B-52′s

Am I right in thinking that this whole song begins with an unfinished thought? First line of the song: “If you see a faded sign by the side of the road that says 15 miles to the Love Shack!” Okay, then what do I do? And don’t try to tell me that it’s connected to the next line, “I’m headed down the Atlanta highway looking for the love getaway,” because then that supposes that every time I see the faded sign, you’re headed down the highway. And that just simply cannot be true. What if I’m looking at the faded sign at 4 AM on a Tuesday in March? Are you suddenly heading down the highway? No, you are not. I cannot make you head down the highway just by looking at a sign. Now, I have a friend who yesterday tried to convince me that what he’s trying to say is “If you see a faded sign by the side of the road, that says 15 miles to the Love Shack!” I don’t buy it. The inflection on the word is incorrect. And if they wanted to tell us that that’s what the sign said, they probably would have used “it.” Plus, my friend is Ukranian, so what the hell does she know about English. Therefore, this song begins with an unfinished thought. I’ve proved my point. (I think these thoughts so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.) Also, while I’ve got your interest piqued (“why the hell has he spent so much time dissecting ‘Love Shack’?”), I’d like to point out that I can totally hear one of the girls screw up right before the breakdown. She starts to sing the word “love,” then catches herself and shuts up — and they didn’t remove it in the studio. Hear it?

If I know my audience, and I think that I do, two of you are impressed and the rest of you are shaking your heads. You only have yourselves to blame; you should know by now this is the kind of stuff I excel at.

Last time I talked about “Love Shack” on CHART ATTACK!, I said I thought the song sucked. And yet since then, I’ve realized that whenever I hear it, I don’t turn it off — despite the fact that I’ve probably heard it at every DJ’d party I’ve ever attended. I almost always sing along, and people always seem to love singing along as well. So maybe I don’t hate this song after all. It’s impossible to hate on the B-52′s. How can you hate on Fred Schneider? He’s the Paul Lynde of music. Plus, the awesome video features Ru Paul, the kick-ass Sara Lee on bass and Zach Alford on drums. Here it is, and by the way, this video is ABSOLUTELY IN ACCORDANCE with fair use standards (Section 107 of the U.S. Copyright Act).

4. Angelia — Richard Marx (download)

Do you remember “Angelia”? With six previous singles reaching one of the top 3 spots on the charts, it was Richard Marx’s least successful single to date — and though it sat on the Top 10 for a month, it didn’t even make the year-end Top 100 for either 1989 or 1990. It was a sign that his two-year chart success was starting to fade; he wouldn’t reach the Top 10 again until 1992. That’s not to say he was a slouch, though: with “Angelia,” Marx became the first solo artist to have his first seven singles reach the Top 5.

I know I have a reputation for being a big fan of Richard Marx, so it probably isn’t going to help matters when I tell you I love this song. I like his chord choices, and I especially love the chorus. Granted, a song with this kind of production in 2009 wouldn’t stand a chance (not to mention that cheesy, softcore porn-esque sax solo), and every single person in the video below should be shot, but I’ll still put it up there with my favorite Richard Marx songs. Yes, I have many. Do you have a problem?

3. (It’s Just) The Way That You Love Me — Paula Abdul

Dammit, this is the second song this week that actually uses parentheses for a valid reason. The song, as it appears on Forever Your Girl, is entitled “The Way That You Love Me.” The “(It’s Just)” was added when the song was remixed and released as her second single, following “Knocked Out.” However, the song bombed on the charts, peaking at #88. However, after “Straight Up,” “Forever Your Girl” and “Cold Hearted” all hit #1, Virgin re-released the single in its original form — and it peaked here at #3. Two videos were released, too, both directed by David Fincher. The first one has lots of heavy-duty choreography and Abdul singing into what appears to be a lectern microphone.

The second one just features shots of Abdul looking seductive, back when that particular skill was in her wheelhouse (although for my money, her most seductive video is the one for “Promise Of a New Day”), and uses a lot of visuals that Fincher would later mimic in his video for Billy Idol’s “Cradle of Love.”

By the way, if you owned a specific Casio keyboard in the early ’90s, there’s a chance that the demo song was “(It’s Just) The Way That You Love Me.” And tireless researcher that I am — all for you, friends — I found an mp3 of the demo. Seriously. I did. Wheee!

2. We Didn’t Start the Fire — Billy Joel

It wasn’t until I hit my 20s that I figured out that Billy Joel is not universally adored. Growing up middle class on Long Island, one does not have a choice when it comes to Billy Joel: you like his music and you like the fact that he’s likely to shout out the name of a town you know in one of his songs. So I didn’t know of anybody who thought Billy Joel sucked, and I certainly didn’t know anybody who hated “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” And as a 12-year-old, I had a calling — nay, a responsiblity — to my friends, family and community to learn every single word of this song. Whenever I went to someone’s Bar Mitzvah, there was a 95% chance this song would be played, and that the DJ would pass the microphone through the crowd so the kids could sing along. I was one of the few who knew all the lyrics. Again, being a clueless child, I had no idea that this was not a cool thing to do. (And, being a clueless adult now, I still think it’s kind of cool that I knew all the words to both this and the McDonald’s Menu Song. Okay, maybe not “knew.” I still know them all.)

I understand why people don’t like it. I understand that people find it to be just a stupid list of events, separated by Joel renouncing himself and his generation from any blame regarding the problems of the world. All I know is that I still think it’s impressive he came up with all those rhymes, and I know for a fact that I’d still probably have no idea about Walter Winchell, Panmunjom or the Starkweather homicides. Think I’m ignorant? Hey, don’t blame me. I didn’t start the fire. See how I did that?

I’ve always loved Billy Joel’s sense of humor, and he’s a great raconteur to boot. Here are two different interviews where Billy talks about writing “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” The first one is more humorous, and the second one goes into more detail about his specific inspiration for the song, followed by a live performance. If you’re not a Billy Joel fan, you can skip down, but be warned, you’re only skipping to Milli Vanilli. Might as well just listen and stick it out, ’cause it’s only going downhill from here.

Billy Joel — History Through Music (live, Princeton University 1994) (download)

Billy Joel — We Didn’t Start the Fire (live, VH1 Storytellers) (download)

1. Blame It On the Rain — Milli Vanilli

Well, I’ve proclaimed my fondness for at least three other largely unpopular songs on this chart, I might as well go the distance and put my vote behind “Blame It On the Rain” as well. It’s not my favorite song and it’s not going on any of my ’80s playlists, but honestly, all the Milli Vanilli songs were pretty well-constructed synth/dance/pop tunes. And if you need further convincing, I have a copy of The Remix Album that I’d be happy to send you (sent to me by none other than my jerkface Editor-in-Chief). “Blame It On the Rain” hit #1 on November 25th, replacing “When I See You Smile” — and both were written by Diane Warren. Warren became the first female solo songwriter to have back-to-back #1 hits. Only one person before her had two solo songwriting back-to-back #1 singles — anybody want to take a guess?

When I hear this song, I recall a parody on the Z100 Morning Zoo, entitled “Blame It On Hussein.” One of the lyrics was “He’s a towelheaded dildo,” and I remember even then being absolutely appalled that they were getting away with saying such a thing on morning radio.

Two weeks ago, Jon Cummings popped in to offer his excellent commentary on “Disco Duck” and its place in pop culture. I’m sure you won’t be surprised to know that he’s also done an in-depth analysis on the rise and fall of Milli Vanilli, taking special note to cover the (real) group’s career before Rob Pilatus and Fab Morvan became MTV darlings/outcasts. Read all about it in Popdose Flashback: Milli Vanilli and the Triumph of Substance, which sounds like it should either be a book or a movie. I’m not sure who’d go to see it other than the people currently reading this post, though.

…and just like that, we’re at the end of the last CHART ATTACK! for 2009! I know I say it every two weeks, but I really appreciate you taking the time to read my silly posts. It means the world to me. As mentioned, you can find me here every day until Mellowmas; I’ll also be reviewing a few DVDs, appearing on the Popdose Podcast, and offering up some of my favorite (for real!) holiday songs in a couple of weeks. Have a wonderful holiday season and see you in 2010!

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Okay, so now that I’ve stopped Brian’s team of blood-thirsty lawyers in their tracks (kidding!), we can take a look at this week’s chart. And I don’t mean to cast a cloud over this Top 10, but I’m not thrilled with most of these songs. Although three of them did hit #1 (one of them is actually the #1 hit of 1977), five of them didn’t make the Top 100 of either 1976 or 1977 at all. And as you’ll see, the songs that actually did hit #1 aren’t that great either. Things were better earlier in 1976 and later in 1977, but this specific week is, in my opinion, a low point. Do you agree? Let me know — and let’s attack November 20, 1976!

10. Do You Feel Like We Do — Peter Frampton
9. Beth — Kiss
8. Just to Be Close to You — Commodores
7. Rock’n Me — Steve Miller
6. The Rubberband Man — Spinners
5. Disco Duck (Part 1) — Rick Dees
4. Muskrat Love — Captain & Tennille
3. Love So Right — Bee Gees
2. The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald — Gordon Lightfoot
1. Tonight’s the Night (Gonna Be Alright) — Rod Stewart

10. Do You Feel Like We Do — Peter Frampton

One day, if I’m lucky enough to have kids as geeky as I am (seems kind of inevitable), I’ll sit them down and tell them about the improbability of this song’s success. Sure, I’ll have to explain terms like “double album,” “record label” and “radio,” but I think it’ll be worth it. I’ll explain to them how Peter Frampton managed to remain on a major record label, A&M, despite the fact that his first three albums (as well as his first eight singles) didn’t even crack the Hot 100 (“what’s the Hot 100, daddy?”) and his fourth album peaked at #32. And that despite these failures, A&M decided that his next release should be a live album — and when he turned in the live album, the head of the record label (Jerry Moss) complained that it was too short (!) and should be a double album (!!). And so Frampton — who had recorded most of the album at the Winterland Ballroom in San Francisco, went to record more tracks live at SUNY Plattsburgh, better known as the least sexy of all the NY State-owned colleges. (I know. My dad went there.) “Do You Feel Like We Do” was one of the tracks recorded on the college campus. Unedited, it clocks in at 14:15. And children, guess what? “Radio stations,” as they were known back then, actually played the full, unedited version of the song! “Disc jockeys,” who were the people who actually had some control over what songs were played on the radio, used the song as an excuse to go to the bathroom or do other things that I’ll tell you about when you’re older. A&M understood that some stations might not want to play a 14-minute song, though, so they reasonably edited the song…to 7:19. 7:19 was considered reasonable, children!

At this point, my kids will probably be asleep from boredom, and that’ll be a shame, because I haven’t even explained to them why the unedited version of this song became so successful. Two words: TALKBOX SOLO. And here’s what I want to know, people: why do I have to wait SEVEN MINUTES AND 25 SECONDS for the talkbox solo? There should have been one in the beginning, in the middle, and then another one at the end. No, wait: the end one should be a false ending, and then there’d be another one after that one. There. That’s your perfect song. And I know the audience would have agreed, because you can hear how loud they cheer when he starts using the damn thing. You can’t deny the power of the talkbox. The talkbox is so powerful that the audience forgets the fact that anybody using one looks like a total douche.

“durrrrrrrrrrr!”

Frampton does a talkbox solo for four full minutes, making “Do You Feel Like We Do” not only our CHART ATTACK! Song of the Week, but perhaps The Greatest Song of All Time, Excluding “What a Fool Believes.”

9. Beth — Kiss

I was looking through the comment section at Songfacts to see what people thought of this song. Here’s my favorite comment, by Frank from Brampton, Ontario.

This is a really sad song and I cry alot whenever I listen to it. Call me a wuss if you want but it is indeed a sad song despite it being a powerful ballad. Hey it’s ok to cry whenever you hear a sad song like this.

Word, Frank. Word.

And so here we have Kiss’s highest-charting single, peaking at #7. Of course, there was only one way Kiss could reach this peak on the charts, and that was by ensuring that all members of the band kept their damn hands off their instruments. Though written by Kiss drummer (and this song’s lead vocalist) Peter Criss, the piano and string arrangements were performed by other (real) musicians. Criss was the only member of the band in the studio when it was recorded, and in concert, he performed it to a backing track. The rest of the band didn’t learn the song until almost 20 years later, despite it being their biggest hit of their career. I think this proves how much Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley hated the song (they fought to keep it off the album), and not being a Kiss fan, this is the only thing about “Beth” that makes me happy. (Although I should say that I know Paul Stanley’s mother, and she’s a sweetheart.) Actually, “Beth” isn’t really a bad song at all; the piano and strings are quite pretty, and I like the last verse, where he says “Beth, I know you’re lonely / And I hope you’ll be all right / ‘Cause me and the boys will be playing all night.” I love that in this beautiful song, he just kind of gives her the middle finger at the end: I know you’re lonely, Beth…sucks to be you!

8. Just to Be Close to You — Commodores (download)

I find this song unintentionally funny for a number of reasons. If you’re not familiar with it, download and we can discuss it together. For starters, there’s this beautiful, gentle piano opening. The first time I heard it, I was expecting a song that was soft and subtle, like “Fee Tines a Mady” “Three Times a Lady.” The entrance of the vocals are, shall we say, a bit more abrupt — I nearly jumped out of my chair when they came in. Second, the song has some space-agey synths playing random notes for seemingly no reason — like it’s a love song on Jupiter or something. Then, after less than a minute, Lionel starts speaking. Oh, this is the best part. Listen to that first “Ahh!” at about :55. I don’t know who Lionel’s trying to be, but he’s doing a terrible job at it. At 1:23, I think he’s trying to be a preacher. I love the way he pronounces the word “value.” I snicker every time I hear it.

I think what’s most clear about this song is that Lionel Richie had simply not yet mastered his songwriting-fu; the damn thing is all over the place. Sure, the hook of the song is great, and maybe that’s all they needed: something to which people could get their groove on. Who cares about the rest, right? The only thing that really had any staying power was that first line at the beginning: “You know, I’ve been through so many changes in my life, girl.” Lionel recycled it seven years later for his solo hit “My Love,” except he changed “girl” to “woman.” (Y’know, because he was older.)

I looked all over to find you a clip of Lionel singing this song live in the ’70s; I’m disappointed that I came up short, because you know there’d be nothing more wonderful than Lionel in one of those silver glittery Commodore suits, speak-singing this song while his afro collided with the other members of the group. However, I did find this recent version, from a small concert Lionel did for industry people. He performs the song with just the right amount of tongue in cheek, proving once again that Lionel Richie is super, super awesome. Please do a concert in New York again, Lionel. I need to be there.

7. Rock’n Me — Steve Miller

I know I’ve complained about this before, but man, fewer artists get me angry the way Steve Miller gets me angry. (Maybe Andy Gibb.) His success actually gets me furious. Yes, yes, the man writes a killer hook, but his lyrics are some of the most moronic lyrics I’ve ever read. “Rock’n Me” is a great example; strong chorus, but dumb-as-shit lyrics, and actually, some awful singing, too. Arrgh, where do I even start?

Well I’ve been lookin’ real hard
And I’m tryin’ to find a job
But it just keeps gettin’ tougher every day
But I got to do my part cause I know in my heart
I got to please my sweet baby, yeah

Okay. Not an awful start. I mean, you can’t rhyme either “baby” or “yeah” with “day,” but whatever. So this song is about him trying to find work to make his woman happy. I’m with him so far.

Well, I ain’t superstitious
And I don’t get suspicious
But my woman is a friend of mine
And I know that it’s true that all the things that I do
Will come back to me in my sweet time

WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS MEAN.

I went from Phoenix, Arizona
All the way to Tacoma
Philadelphia, Atlanta, L.A.
Northern California where the girls are warm
So I could be with my sweet baby, yeah

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS EITHER. Unless this is just Miller figuring he can guarantee either radio play or a concert audience in any of these locations. God, to think that this song might have inspired “The Heart of Rock & Roll” makes me shudder.

…and that’s pretty much it for lyrics. I am so freakin’ angry right now. This song makes no sense at all. It’s not as dumb as “Take the Money and Run,” but it’s up there. We made Steve Miller a star. Why did we do it? Why? I think I need to lie down. I hate you, Steve Miller. And you too, Andy Gibb.

6. The Rubberband Man — Spinners

Just when I thought this chart was hopeless, the Spinners come to rescue me. “The Rubberband Man” is a great soul song, and it would have won Song of the Week if it had only featured five minutes of talkbox. Instead, it features zero minutes of talkbox, so I award it no points and may God have mercy on its soul. Still, it deserves mention as one of the few good songs to rise out of the crud of this week.

Despite having formed in 1954 with a debut on the Hot 100 in 1961, the Spinners didn’t have their first Top 10 hit until 1970′s wonderful “Ill Be Around,” which hit #3. Another four of their songs reached the Top 10 before “The Rubberband Man” peaked at #2; it would be the group’s last Top 10 until their popular medleys of 1980.

There’s a great clip on YouTube of the Spinners performing “The Rubberband Man” on The Midnight Special, but I had to leave it off this week’s post in favor of Lynda Carter performing it on The Muppet Show. I’m sure you understand.

5. Disco Duck (Part 1) — Rick Dees

You know, given the fact that I’m somewhat known for my fondness of bad music (see Earmageddon or Mellowmas), I’ll admit to you that I’ve been able to fully avoid “Disco Duck” until this week. So while that’s a really awesome thing for me, it means that I can’t really reflect properly on how this song invaded popular culture enough to become a #1 hit. Rather than just blatantly curse out everybody in 1976 who bought this record, I figured I’d ask fellow Popdose staffer (and one of my favorite writers) Jon Cummings to weigh in on “Disco Duck” and its popularity. But be warned, everybody: this writing is not what we’re used to reading on CHART ATTACK!: it’s really, really good. Jon?

*******
Thanks, Jason. You’re right about one thing: No one can explain, much less justify, the popularity of “Disco Duck.” But let’s give it a shot anyway, shall we?

Like any good sociological phenomenon, disco didn’t emerge full-blown out of nowhere. By the summer of ’76, even as the music had begun to dominate pop radio, the flamboyant dance-club subculture behind disco hadn’t yet expanded beyond its base in the major urban centers and entered the mainstream. The sexuality — and the sometimes covert, sometimes overt homosexuality — intrinsic to the music was unfamiliar to, and no doubt uncomfortable for, many listeners during disco’s early stages. And when the less cutting-edge elements of society encounter a new and discomfiting cultural presence, it’s not unusual for them to dismiss or ridicule that presence — or, if they choose to embrace it, to make it more compatible with their conventional worldview via imitation (see Pat Boone), comment (see “Play That Funky Music,” a #1 hit two months before this chart was released), or parody. This may explain why a radio DJ from a Southern city was able to achieve nationwide success with a single that recontextualized disco’s throbbing rhythms and pulsating sexuality with help from a universally beloved cartoon voice.

Or maybe that’s all a bunch of crap, and what really happened was that a Memphis DJ/stand-up comic encountered a goofball at the gym who could do a good Donald Duck voice, and decided it would be funny to make a novelty record that capitalized on the disco craze. And the American people, whose taste in comedy should never be overestimated, sent “Disco Duck” to #1 in mid-October. My favorite part of the “Disco Duck” story is the fact that radio listeners in Memphis couldn’t hear it: Competing stations wouldn’t play it because they were loath to give Rick Dees any publicity, and his own station’s owners thought it would be a conflict of interest to give it any spins. Dees got fired just for mentioning the song on the air! He quickly got hired somewhere else, of course — and though he lost his most recent daily on-air gig this past spring, his “Weekly Top 40″ is still going in syndication. And “Disco Duck,” though we never hear it anymore, lives in infamy — and in the #3 slot on my list of the Worst #1 Songs of the ’70s.

Back to you, Jason.
*******

Thanks, Jon! You should know that every morning, I wake up and curse your writing skills. Here’s Rick Dees on The Midnight Special performing his beloved hit.

4. Muskrat Love — Captain & Tennille

Wonderful. So right after our song about the disco duck, we have a track that answers the age-old question, “What Casio synth pad accurately replicates the sounds of muskrats fucking?” I wonder how many music fans killed themselves over Thanksgiving in 1976.

Honestly, I thought I knew this song, but when I took a listen this week, I found that I had never actually heard it before (both this and “Disco Duck” — how did I get so lucky?). I keep trying to figure out what this song is really trying to say in its subtext — but no, I’m pretty sure it’s actually about two muskrats courting. I know I said this a few songs ago, but WHY? Why did we need a song about two muskrats on a date? And even more importantly, why were Captain & Tennille the third artists to record the song? Originally titled “Mukstrat Candlelight” — and let’s just pause a second to think about the meeting where the artistic merits of this title were debated — the song was written and recorded by Willis Alan Ramsey in 1972, then covered by America in 1973 and C&T in 1976. The America version peaked at #67, but C&T made it all the way here to #4. Why? It must have been those adorable little synthesizers! Thank you, Daryl Dragon! And I’m sure there are many record buyers who thank you for including those sounds in the run-off groove on the 45, so they’d repeat themselves until someone took the record off the turntable (and subsequently threw it — and themselves — out the window).

But I don’t know. Part of me is also perversely pleased that a song about the copulation of muskrats managed to become a popular hit. Also, I have to give Toni Tennille credit for the huge grin she plasters on her face whenever she sings this song. I imagine, after 33 years, one probably no longer has a burning desire to sing about muskrats doing the nasty.

I found a few video clips of “Muskrat Love,” but this one seems to be the most disturbing. Enjoy. Or don’t.

3. Love So Right — Bee Gees (download)

I’m almost positive a memo was issued in the fall of 1976. It went to all popular artists, and it said, “Just take it easy this season. Don’t work too hard. Only give us mediocre songs. We’ll call on you for the good stuff in 1977.” Because if you look at 1975, you’ll see awesome Bee Gees songs like “Jive Talkin’” and “Nights on Broadway,” and of course, 1977 gave us the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. Summer of ’76 even gave us “You Should Be Dancing.” But fall of 1976? This dreck. I am aware some people really like this song. I am not one of them. According to Andy Brennan’s always-phenomenal Gibb Songs website (which I could read all day), it was right around this time that Barry began to really explore this new range of his voice:

Barry had developed his falsetto to an incredible degree. [Previously] it was still breathy and tentative. Now it was loud and clear, a very expressive instrument that he began to prefer to his natural voice…‘["Love So Right"] is a more traditional kind of Bee Gees song that could easily have been done the old way had Barry been inclined to do so. The falsetto makes it sound more new and different than it is. The question of how much falsetto is enough has caused much friendly argument among fans.

I’m so glad Andy brought this up: IT’S TOO MUCH FALSETTO. And I’m not going to be friendly about it, Andy! Christ! It’s ridiculous how much high-pitched caterwauling ensues during the final minute of the song! Tune in above at around 3:00. There are actually dueling Barry Gibbs, each going falsetto-batshit all over this thing. Look, most of the Bee Gees songs we know and love wouldn’t be as wonderful as they are without Barry’s high notes. But there’s actually a line, and he crosses it here. And sadly, I don’t think I can blame Andy for it.

2. The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald — Gordon Lightfoot

It does seem a little odd that a song such as this would reach #2, considering that it’s depressing as all hell, it has no chorus and no bridge, and it’s surrounded by crap like “Disco Duck” and “Muskrat Love.” But clearly it struck a chord with the public, arriving on the charts close to a year after the S.S. Fitzgerald sank in Lake Superior, killing the 29 crew members aboard. Lightfoot had read about the event in the November 24, 1975 issue of Newsweek, and was inspired to write a song recounting the event. He took some liberties with the subject matter, or at least that’s what I’m told — I know it makes me a horrible person, but I just can’t pay attention to more than two verses of this song. As always, I hear Gordon Lightfoot and all I want to do is nap. Lightfoot considers this song his most significant musical achievement (and credit should indeed be given for including the words “Gitche Gumee” in a pop song), and peaking here at #2, it’s his second-highest charter, behind 1974′s “Sundown.”

Lightfoot gave all rights and royalties of this song to the families of those lost in the wreck, which is a truly wonderful thing. The writers from The Simpsons wanted to use this song in a section of the “Radio Bart” episode where Bart sees an commercial for a microphone that transmits to any AM radio — but because of the complications in getting permission from the families, they went with C.W. McCall’s “Convoy” instead. True story!

1. Tonight’s the Night (Gonna Be Alright) — Rod Stewart

Here it is, folks: not only the #1 song of the week, but the #1 song of 1977. We gave it to this guy.

He’s worse than this guy!

“durrrrrrrrrrr!”

I’m perplexed. First, I’m perplexed that this song became the #1 hit of 1977, considering it didn’t actually chart at #1 during that year (I’m sure this will be explained by Cummings in the comments). But more than that, I’m perplexed that Rod Stewart became a sex symbol while wearing this outfit. He looks like an inbred clown doing dinner theatre. This is the third time I’m asking “why?” today. I’m tired of it. I’m so happy this week is over.

“Tonight’s the Night” is a song not exactly known for its subtlety; it was actually banned in Europe (and initially only played later in the evening in America) for its overt sexuality. This was mainly due to the line “spread your wings and let me come inside.” Is that really offensive? I only think it’s offensive if you think of “me” being “Rod Stewart.” Because I don’t see why anybody would want to sleep with him. Even if the song’s purpose is just to encourage others to get all sexy with each other, that doesn’t work for me either — because when the chorus starts, all I can think about is poor Rod’s vocal chords. Is it sexy to sound like you’re screaming up a lung? Of course, who cares what I think — this song became the biggest hit of Rod Stewart’s career. And if that doesn’t depress you enough, do you want to know what’s #2? “All for Love,” that stupid song he did with Bryan Adams and Sting. I think now is a very good time for me to stop writing.

By the way, I can’t believe this happened, but it did: a duet of “Tonight’s the Night” between Rod and Kim Carnes, presumably with a throat specialist waiting in the wings. I love that if I close my eyes and listen to this duet, I can’t tell them apart.

Whew! We’re done! I’m quite happy this week is over. Maybe it wasn’t as bad for you as it was for me, but personally, I’m giving thanks that we’ll be exploring a different week and year soon. You suck, November 1976. But I thank you for reading anyway! See you soon for another edition of CHART ATTACK!

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Folks, I’ll be the first to tell you that our last CHART ATTACK! was just a little depressing. Marky Mark? Ugh! Color Me Badd? Ugggggh! Bryan Adams? Uggggggghhhh!  Good news, though: I’m pleased to report that this week’s Top 10 is much, much better — sure, there are some mild clunkers, but the majority of these songs are absolutely fantastic. See if you agree as we attack November 3, 1973!

10. All I Know — Garfunkel  
9. Space Race — Billy Preston
8. Let’s Get It On — Marvin Gaye
7. Ramblin’ Man — The Allman Brothers Band
6. Heartbeat – It’s a Lovebeat — The DeFranco Family Featuring Tony DeFranco
5. Paper Roses — Marie Osmond
4. Half-Breed — Cher
3. Keep On Truckin’ (Part 1) — Eddie Kendricks
2. Angie — The Rolling Stones
1. Midnight Train to Georgia — Gladys Knight & the Pips

10. All I Know — Garfunkel (download)

Following the breakup of Simon & Garfunkel in 1970, Art Garfunkel removed his focus from the music business; for three years, he focused on his acting career, appearing in Mike Nichols movies such as Catch-22 and Carnal Knowledge, taught mathematics at a private school in Connecticut, and studied classical music in Europe. Finally, in 1973, he assembled a group of songwriters (what, you thought he was going to write songs himself?) and recorded songs for a new album, entitled Angel Clare. The first single, “All I Know,” was written by Jimmy Webb (the first of many Garfunkel/Webb collaborations) and was his first solo entry on the Top 10 — and by “first,” I mean “only,” though he did have three #1 hits on the Adult Contemporary charts. The song is exactly what you’d expect: musically, it’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water” minus the bridge or troubled water, and lyrically, it’s deep into Mellow Gold territory. Art’s voice sounds a touch creepy here on the original, especially any time he gets near a low note. Still, it’s quite pretty, and you really can’t go wrong with songs like these, especially ones that feature Webb’s beautiful piano. The only thing I don’t understand is why, for his first few albums, Art was only billed as “Garfunkel.” Was he concerned that if he added the “Art,” people wouldn’t know who he was? How many Garfunkels are out there, really? If he wanted to capitalize on familiarity, perhaps he should have billed himself as “& Garfunkel.”

I found a nice video of Art Garfunkel performing “All I Know” on Saturday Night Live, but it’s on a Chinese website and I can’t figure out how to embed it. Still, it’s worth a watch; the song is much more effective in this stripped-down incarnation.

9. Space Race — Billy Preston

I personally had never heard “Space Race” before this week, but if you watched American Bandstand regularly, chances are you’ll recognize it as the music played during the mid-show commercial break, from 1974 until the show’s end. It worked great for that purpose, too — a sequel of sorts to 1972′s “Outa-Space,” “Space Race” is a thick slab of instrumental funk with a fantastic groove. But here’s the thing: on American Bandstand, you never got to hear more than a few seconds of the song. At around a minute and a half, it becomes pretty clear that a better title would have been “Holy Crap You Guys, I Just Got a New Keyboard and Look at All the Cool Sounds I Can Make, Wah Wah Wah Wah!” I can’t help but wonder if this song is what inspired Daryl Dragon to buy a Casio, and that just breaks my heart. Still, I can’t give Billy Preston too much grief. Apart from having the world’s greatest afro, the man was an unbelievable talent. And who doesn’t love the hell out of “Nothing From Nothing”?

8. Let’s Get It On — Marvin Gaye

Man, what a week! “Let’s Get It On,” though not Gaye’s biggest selling single, was certainly one of his most popular, and became his first chart-topper in five years. It began as a religious song, written by Ed Townsend (who became a success with a song called “For Your Love” solely due to a 1958 appearance on American Bandstand), and was then re-written by Motown songwriter Kenneth Stover as a political anthem. Gaye recorded the demo of “Let’s Get It On” in this form:

Marvin Gaye — Let’s Get It On (Demo) (download)

Townsend protested, and insisted that the song should have a love/sexual theme (what happened to religion?), and of course, that produced the version we all adore today. It’s a shame that those opening four notes have become such a cliché in recent years, no doubt due to its appearance in commercials and Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (among a million other movies, most likely), but when you hear Marvin belting out those lyrics with every ounce of passion in the world, it’s hard not to fall in love with it all over again. Here he is at the Montreux Jazz Festival in 1980.

I mentioned this in a previous Popdose article, but one of my favorite songs (and the first one I ever purchased on iTunes) is Shannon Lawson’s bluegrassy, fun cover of “Let’s Get It On.” We played it during the ceremony at our wedding, as we danced back up the aisle, and I think maybe only one person figured out what song it was. Gotcha, Grandma! We danced up the aisle to a song about sex and you didn’t catch it! Ha ha ha ha!

Shannon Lawson — Let’s Get It On (download)

7. Ramblin’ Man — The Allman Brothers Band

I’ve never been much of an Allman Brothers fan — I’m not much for extended noodling — so it may not surprise you that I like this song, since it doesn’t feature any of it. Instead, it’s a fine Southern rock song featuring great instrumental work by lead guitarist Dickey Betts and pianist Chuck Leavell. Included on Brothers and Sisters, the first Allman Brothers album fully recorded after the death of Duane Allman, it reached #2 on the charts, while the accompanying album hit #1. It remains the band’s only real hit, though they did reach the Top 40 on a few other occasions.

6. Heartbeat – It’s a Lovebeat — The DeFranco Family Featuring Tony DeFranco

By 1973, we’d seen massive successes from the Jackson Five, the Osmonds, and though not related, the Partridge Family. So it was only a matter of time before execs sat down and tried to figure out how else they could capitalize on the family craze. Black group? Check. Mormons? Check. What’s left? Canadian Italians, duh! See, the DeFrancos were performing in their native Ontario when someone in the business (undoubtedly seeing dollar signs) sent a photograph of the group to Chuck Laufer from Tiger Beat. Laufer flew ‘em out to Hollywood, had them cut a few demos, and before they knew it, they were the next big family sensation. No, seriously, before they knew it: the group had a fan club before they had even released a single. “Heartbeat – It’s a Lovebeat” reached #3, and the DeFrancos were shuttled all over the country to mime their hit, complete with racy, incestuous, half-naked dancing.

Just kidding. You couldn’t get any cleaner, whiter and lamer if you tried.

So after watching that video, you’ve probably surmised that this is indeed the weaker part of the Top 10 this week — although to be honest, “Heartbeat – It’s a Lovebeat” is way better than it has any right to be. I’m speaking mainly about the music behind the song; it’s somewhat dark and psychedelic, and actually sounds credible up until the chorus, when everything suddenly turns happy and hunky dory (I’d bet Laufer forced the writers to add some major chords here). Part of the musical success is due to the appearance of members of the famous “Wrecking Crew” on the recording (Hal Blaine, Larry Carlton and Max Bennett). The lyrics aren’t that terrible either, but lil’ Tony just doesn’t sound old enough to be saying them. Not that anybody cared back then, but the difference between the Jackson Five and all other kid/family groups was that Michael Jackson was one of the precious few youngsters who could credibly sing words meant for an adult.

After “Heartbeat – It’s a Lovebeat,” the DeFrancos had a couple of other Top 40 hits, but interest quickly waned and the group disbanded in 1978 — partially due to a change in producers. Their original producer, Walt Meskell, was fired after one of their songs stalled outside the Hot 100. Their record label hired producer Mike Curb to take over, who was intent on turning the DeFrancos into a cover band. The family resisted and that was essentially the end of their career. You can hear all about what it was like to be a young DeFranco in this interview with Tony — it’s actually more interesting than I thought it would be. You can also see more at the DeFranco website, and if you’re looking to buy a house in California, Tony’s your guy.

5. Paper Roses — Marie Osmond

You may be wondering why I went into all that backstory about the downfall of the DeFrancos. Part of it is because I get a kick out of filling your brain with useless (and I mean really, really useless) information. But I also thought it’s worth noting that while Mike Curb’s cover idea failed by the DeFrancos, it worked for both Donny and Marie Osmond. Curb had been directly responsible for the Osmonds’ chart success in the early ’70s, and he oversaw Donnie’s covers of songs like “Hey Girl,” “Puppy Love” and “Go Away Little Girl,” which all reached the Top 10. He used the same approach with Marie and chose “Paper Roses” — originally recorded by Anita Bryant in 1960 — as her first solo single. It peaked here at #5 (and remains her only Top 20 solo hit), but reached #1 on the Country chart.

Was that paragraph as boring for you to read as it was for me to write? I’m only trying to match the song, which makes me want to take a nice, long nap. Here’s the video, and let’s at least give credit to Marie for being absolutely adorable. Note: Popdose.com is not responsible for any seizures that might result from staring at the background of this clip.

4. Half-Breed — Cher

This song was written especially for Cher and is certainly appropriate, seeing as she is half woman, half horse. I keed, I keed! Cher is part Cherokee, and the lyrics revolved around a woman whose mother is Cherokee and father is white. Lyricist Mary Dean brought the song to the attention of Sonny and Cher’s former producer, Snuff Garrett. Garrett had been responsible for numerous hits for both the duo and Cher as a solo artist, including “All I Ever Need is You” and “A Cowboy’s Work is Never Done,” and Cher’s #1 hit “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves.” However, Snuff quit as their producer after Bono turned down his suggestion that Cher sing “The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia” (which wound up becoming a #1 hit for Vicki Lawrence earlier in April of ’73). Snuff held on to “Half-Breed” for a number of months, until Cher fired her next producer (uh, Sonny Bono) and returned to work with him once again. By the time “Half-Breed” hit #1 the recording duo of Sonny & Cher had disbanded.. She did promote the song on their show, however; here’s Cher in a bikini and full Native American regalia, looking kinda hot, sitting on a horse for no real reason.

3. Keep On Truckin’ (Part 1) — Eddie Kendricks (download)

Oh God, yes. On a chart already chock-full of great songs, “Keep On Truckin’ (Part 1)” gets my vote for Song of the Week. (It’s a category I made up just now.) With enough funk to make “Space Race” look like “Paper Roses,” this song allowed Kendricks to essentially give the finger to his former group, the Temptations. He had quit the group in 1971, dissatisfied with the “psychedelic soul” direction in which producer Norman Whitfield was leading the band; additionally, he wanted to record his own solo album while remaining in the group, but Berry Gordy opposed the idea. (A more clever writer could now link Eddie Kendricks to Peter Cetera, which makes my head explode a little.)

Kendricks’ solo career got off to a slow start, and the fact that the Temptations released “Superstar (Remember How You Got Where You Are)” as a direct insult to both Kendricks and David Ruffin didn’t help matters much. However, a number of his songs began attracting attention in dance and burgeoning disco clubs, and by giving them exactly what they were looking for, Kendricks scored his first (and only) #1 solo hit, followed by his #2 hit “Boogie Down” in January of 1974.

There wasn’t actually a “Part 2″ to this song; it received the “Part 1″ addition when it was edited down for single release, from eight minutes to just under three-and-a-half minutes. But the unedited version is absolutely wonderful and worth checking out above.

2. Angie — The Rolling Stones

I was in rehearsal the other day for my Acoustic ’80s gig tonight (shameless self-plug!) and I mentioned to my partner Mike that “Angie” was on this week’s chart.

Mike: I LOVE “Angie.”
Jason: Not me.
Mike: How can you not love “Angie”? It’s a beautiful song.
Jason: Mick Jagger.

There is something incredibly, incredibly annoying but Mick Jagger pronouncing the word “Angie” as “Ayyynjeh” for two or three lines and then choosing, like, three other pronunciations throughout the song. Actually, there’s something incredibly annoying about Mick Jagger in general. I guess you can see that I’ve never been a Stones fan. It seems like a lot of people are either Stones fans or Who fans, and I’m the latter. My singer may not be able to hit all the high notes anymore, but at least he doesn’t look like a caved-in ashtray with his shirt off.

Anyway, “Angie.” I did go back and listen to the song again (and again, and again), and Mike is right: it’s really quite beautiful, especially the string section and Nicky Hopkins’ wonderful piano work. I can almost — almost — ignore stupid Mick Jagger. “Angie” was the band’s first #1 since ’69′s “Brown Sugar,” a feat they’d repeat once more in their career with “Miss You,” a song I despise (primarily because of the obnoxious video, and no, Mike, you’re not changing my mind on this one, even with considering the line you love about the Puerto Rican girls).

Here’s a video of “Angie.” Am I seriously the only one who wants to punch Mick in the face every time he looks into the camera?

1. Midnight Train to Georgia — Gladys Knight & the Pips

I’m going to take a deep breath for a sec and reflect on how happy I am to end the chart with this song.

You know, with a name like “Gladys Knight & the Pips,” it’s only natural to assume the group would take a backseat to the lead singer — but in this version of the song, I’d say the Pips are every bit as important as Ms. Knight. Where would this song be without their backing vocals? They’re the support to Knight, just as she’s the support to her man, heading home with him after his dreams have fallen apart. Lyrically, I’m just torn apart by the simplicity in “I’d rather live in his world than live without him in mine.” Absolutely beautiful. It’s hard to believe that this song might have never been written were it not for one woman.

I swear it’s true: writer Jim Weatherly had been on the phone with Farrah and she mentioned she was flying home to Georgia to see her folks. Weatherly dreamed up the story of the song, using Fawcett and her then-boyfriend Lee Majors as characters, and titled it “Midnight Plane to Houston.” The song made its way to Cissy Houston; her producers asked if they could change the title to something a little more “R&B,” and so Houston (the city, not the singer) became Georgia and the plane became a train. Knight recorded the song afterward and within two months of its first Billboard appearance, it reached the #1 spot — both here and on the R&B charts. It also won the group a Grammy for Best Rhythm & Blues Vocal Performance by a Duo, Group or Chorus, and remains their most popular song. As well it should be!

You can hear Weatherly’s “Midnight Plane to Houston” demo over at Songfacts, and the Goldmine article “Hop Aboard the Midnight Train to Georgia With Gladys Knight & the Pips” is pretty much required reading. Did you know that, save for one line, Knight’s lead vocals were recorded in one take? It’s all in the Goldmine article. Check it out! I don’t know about you, but I wish that every week of CHART ATTACK! could end like this.

And that does it for this week! Will we have similar good luck next time we meet? Only one way to find out — stop by again in two weeks! Thanks for reading!

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Welcome back, everyone, to yet another latest edition of CHART ATTACK! As you know, we take the good charts with the bad charts ’round here. Two weeks ago, we covered a pretty stellar week from 1980. This week? Well, while we have some strong tunes this week, there are also some clunkers, too. Check ‘em out as we attack October 19, 1991!

10. Love…Thy Will Be Done — Martika
9. Can’t Stop This Thing We Started — Bryan Adams
8. Everybody Plays the Fool — Aaron Neville
7. I Adore Mi Amor — Color Me Badd
6. Good Vibrations — Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch Featuring Loleatta Holloway
5. Something to Talk About — Bonnie Raitt
4. Hole Hearted — Extreme
3. Romantic — Karyn White
2. Do Anything — Natural Selection Featuring Niki Haris
1. Emotions — Mariah Carey

10. Love…Thy Will Be Done — Martika (download)

You’ll be forgiven if you don’t remember this song — I know I don’t have no recollection of ever hearing it on the radio. “Toy Soldiers” might be the only song you remember of Martika’s (perhaps helped by Eminem’s sample of it in his 2005 song “Like Toy Soliders”), but she also reached #18 with “More Than You Know” and #25 with her cover of “I Feel the Earth Move,” in addition to peaking here at #10 with this song. You’ll also be forgiven if you knew this song but had no clue it was actually sung by Martika, since she sounds nothing like she did on “Toy Soldiers.” No, she sounds like she’s been taken hostage and forced to sing this song exactly the way someone else wants her to sing it…wait a minute, this song was written by Prince! Story checks out!

So yes, it’s true — for a brief, shining moment, Martika was a Prince Girl, which I think is something like being a Bond Girl but with a lot more patchouli. And she does a fine job with this song, although anybody really could’ve sung it; in fact,parts of her vocal are reminiscent of the Prince/Madonna “Love Song” duet from Like a Prayer. Musically, the song itself is a bore — the bass and drums are static throughout — but somehow ends up being oddly compelling. Prince created his own mix of the song (available on Martika’s greatest hits collection, which I double-dog dare you to buy), and he’s performed it live himself, too — our buddy (and diehard Prince fan) Pete from Ickmusic has gifted us with this version from 3/8/95, live from The Astoria in London. It’s just drums and bass until the three-and-a-half minute mark, but after that, we get a pretty good vocal from Prince. I’d say I prefer Martika’s original, but still, it’s pretty cool to have. Thanks, Pete!

Prince — Love…Thy Will Be Done (live) (download)

Curious what Tika’s up to these days? Well, she hasn’t released an album as “Martika” since this one, 1991′s Martika’s Kitchen, but she’s released two albums with her husband, Michael Mozart (I don’t know if that’s his real name, and I don’t care) as part if the group Oppera. And more recently, she’s going by the stage name Vita Edit and starring as “Lolly Pop” in a web series entitled j8ded. Mozart is in it too, billed as Michael Daemon. Martika, how the hell did you wind up being stranger than Prince?

By the way, don’t be surprised if this song is in your head all day. I keep singing it to myself, but I replace the word “love” with random one-syllable words, like “scones” and “balls.”

9. Can’t Stop This Thing We Started — Bryan Adams

You know it’s bad when I can identify a “Mutt” Lange track without even knowing for sure that he produced it. I think it’s because I heard this song and immediately pictured Shania Twain singing it.

“Can’t Stop This Thing We Started” — which, incidentally, is what many Canadians have said about Bryan Adams — was part of a comeback of sorts for Adams: his previous album Into the Fire didn’t perform nearly as well as Reckless. Three hits from Reckless reached the Top 10, whereas his next eleven singles missed it completely. So thank you, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, and screw you, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, for paving the way for this #2 hit. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, specifically: it’s just your typical boring Bryan Adams rocker. It doesn’t really take me anywhere. Not that I really want Bryan Adams taking me anywhere…except to “Heaven”! Huh? Huh? No? Dammit.

Fun fact: the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission decreed that the entire Waking Up the Neighbours album was not considered to be a Canadian release, due to Adams’ collaboration with British-Zambian Lange (which, by the way, is a better first name than “Mutt”). Opening his tour in Sydney, Australia, Adams loudly protested the ruling, screaming, “I even stuck a ‘u’ into the word “neighbours,’ you dicks!” (Not true.)

I so want to tell you guys that this was Bryan Adams’ last Top 10 appearance, but I can’t. I hate that I can’t. He had four more Top 10 hits, including two at #1.

8. Everybody Plays the Fool — Aaron Neville

Dammit, Aaron Neville, who the hell invited you onto this chart? I’m not quite sure how you got here; it’s not like you were riding high off of the success of “Don’t Know Much” or “All My Life,” your two duets with Linda Ronstadt from 1989. It’s a complete mystery to me that your version of this song — a #3 hit in 1972 for the Main Ingredient — managed to peak here at #8. It’s not that I don’t like your odd feminine voice, or your bulging biceps, or your Soul Glo haircut from the early ’90s, or the mole that I feel like we’re not supposed to mention because it’s a cheap shot. It’s just that I don’t think they really have a place on the Top 10. Maybe the mole. I hope you can understand.

And what’s up with the lyrics of stupid song, anyway? The first verse addresses somebody feeling upset, “mopin’, cryin’ and cryin’ [and] even thinkin’ about dyin’,” then offers “everybody plays the fool” as some sort of consolation. Let me tell you something: If I’m suicidal, the last thing I need is someone telling me that everyone sucks at some point or another. And I certainly don’t need Aaron Neville’s honey-coated falsetto to tell me, either. That’s just going to make it worse.

I don’t know why I’m getting so angry about Aaron Neville’s chart success. Getting angry seems like a bad idea all around: either he’s a sweet, sweet man who doesn’t deserve it (judging by his gentle ladyvoice), or he’s going to pummel me into the ground. I need to calm down. Hopefully the next song on this chart will make me feel better.

7. I Adore Mi Amor — Color Me Badd

God damn it all to hell.

I’ve tried so hard to forget everything I know about Color Me Badd. At this point, I just remember the guy who tried (unsuccessfully) to steal George Michael’s stubble (right?) and that, clearly through some contractual obligation, Billy Joel had to include them as backing vocalists on “All About Soul” from River of Dreams. Back then, I pretty much ignored “I Wanna Sex You Up” as much as I possibly could, and never really listened to “I Adore Mi Amor” until today, when I found myself absolutely disgusted by the spoken-word line “Quiero mucho, baby. Quiero mucho, mi amor.” I want to stick toothpicks in my ears. Wait, you can join in: here’s the George Michael wannabe saying that very line to Donna on 90210. Watch it, dammit! Feel my pain!

Aw, crap: I just looked at Color Me Badd’s Billboard chart history, and realized that I totally remember “All 4 Love” — and I even kind of liked it back in 1992. Ugh, ugh, ugh. And would you believe that this group made it as far as #21 in 1994 with a song titled “The Earth, The Sun, The Rain”? I had no idea.

The only thing I will give Color Me Badd credit for is their restraint in reuniting — as of now, it hasn’t happened, although with New Kids on the Block’s unfortunate recent success, you know it’s just around the corner.

6. Good Vibrations — Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch Featuring Loleatta Holloway

Here’s something scary to think about: this song was a chart-topper. It may have only been for one week, but it still reached #1, and that’s something we all just have to live with. We let Marky Mark get to #1, people! How did it happen? Well, after he was done dropping out of New Kids on the Block and hating black/Asian people, Donnie helped him get a record deal with Interscope. “Good Vibrations” was the first single, featuring a sample from Loleatta Holloway’s song “Love Sensation,” written by Dan “I Can Dream About You” Hartman. “Love Sensation” had been sampled before, most notably by Samantha Fox and Black Box, but Marky Mark was the only one generous enough to give Holloway billing.

But I don’t care how generous Marky Mark is: this song sucks. It grates on every nerve in my body, from the opening “Yeeeaahh” to the closing…okay, I’ll be honest: I didn’t make it to the end of the song this week. I got as far as the line that rhymes “I’m anti” with “D-R-U-G-G-I-E, my” and turned it off. Hooray for Mark Wahlberg’s #1 hit, hooray for him bringing some extra cash to Dan Hartman and Loleatta Holloway, and hooray for him getting his act together, dropping this hip-hop crap and becoming an actor and whatever else he does now (I don’t watch Entourage and doubt I ever will). It doesn’t mean I have to listen to this song ever again. It was enough in 1991.

Saturday Night Live doesn’t have many funny moments these days (they should call Saturday Night Dead! Huh? Huh? No? Dammit), but I can’t resist including this one.

I also include it because it always cracks Jeff up when I do my impression of Andy Samberg doing an impression of Mark Wahlberg.

5. Something to Talk About — Bonnie Raitt

I suppose that if I’m going to give Aaron Neville shit for not belonging in the Top 10, I should give Bonnie Raitt the same grief. I won’t, though, because Bonnie Raitt is wonderful, and I’ll never say a bad word about her. Her voice is so reassuring to me, I could put on any track of hers right now and feel completely satisfied. Here, I’ll close my eyes and pick a song at random.

Seriously, is anybody having worse luck than me right now?

Bonnie Raitt’s 1989 comeback is one of those fairy-tale stories that you wish happened more often in the music business. Despite the success of Nick of Time, it wasn’t until “Something to Talk About” that Raitt reached the Top 10, and it remains her only hit to do so. Still, the song earned her the Grammy for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance, which is a great honor but somewhat amusing, as there’s nothing “pop” about her vocal. It’s sultry and bluesy, but “pop”? Nuh-uh.

4. Hole Hearted — Extreme

Am I a complete wuss if I cop to liking “Hole Hearted”? Because I really do think it’s an awesome song. I love the chords (just put your fingers in the “D” position and move ‘em up and down the fretboard for the first 20 seconds!), and I think the harmonies in the chorus are beautiful. I like it even better than “More Than Words.” I also like the fact that it led the majority of the record-buying public to believe that Extreme were an acoustic band — which, of course, they weren’t. “More Than Words” and “Hole Hearted” were the only two acoustic songs on Extreme II — Pornograffitti, but if you have a #1 hit with “More Than Words,” what the hell else are you going to follow it up with? The first two singles from the album had already tanked. People wanted their Extreme as gentle as possible. “Hole Hearted” peaked here at #4, and that was pretty much it for the band. The first single from their third album reached #1 on the Mainstream Rock charts, but peaked at a dismal #96 on the Hot 100.

There’s a guitar part in the pre-chorus of “Hole Hearted” that sounded like a complete rip-off to me, but I just couldn’t figure out what it was. My first thought was Bad Company. Then I thought maybe it was a Styx song, and as I was scrolling to Styx on my iPod, I went too far and landed right by Supertramp. And lo and behold, they’re totally ripping off “Give a Little Bit.”

This seems like as good a time as any to show you my favorite Extreme-related video. (What an odd turn of phrase.) For a while, Gary Cherone played in a Who tribute band called Amazing Journey (along with Mike Portnoy of Dream Theater, among others). At the end of one show, they destroyed all of their instruments. Watch at about 1:45 when Cherone, desperate to get in on the action, does a somersault over the drums and lands the back of his head flat against the toms. He tries to walk it off (after a few bewildering seconds), but a friend of mine at the show confirmed his head was seriously bleeding after. Way to go, Cherone! That sorta crap probably never happened to David Lee Roth.

3. Romantic — Karyn White

“Romantic” reminds me of “The Lover in Me” by Sheena Easton, as well as White’s previous hits, “Secret Rendezvous” and “The Way You Love Me.” The last three I mentioned were all written and produced by “L.A.” Reid, Babyface and Daryl Simmons, so the comparison makes sense, but “Romantic” was actually written and produced by Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis. Could we not find anything interesting to do with Karyn White, people?

I don’t have much to say about this song, except it did eventually make it to #1, displacing “Emotions” from the top spot (hey, somebody had to do it). Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis had met White while she was singing a duet with singer Michael Jeffries. Lewis and White became close friends, and eventually began dating. Believe it or not, White — who once was listed as one of the “10 most beautiful women in black America” — did all the courting. Lewis actually told her he wasn’t sure if he really liked her romantically. She won him over, and they married in the early ’90s. Unfortunately they’ve since divorced.

2. Do Anything — Natural Selection Featuring Niki Haris (download)

I love it when I run across songs like this one on the Top 10 — songs I seemingly don’t remember at all based on title and artist, but instantly recall once I hear ‘em. I heard this one the other day and immediately remembered what I thought the first time around: Hey, this is like Prince Lite! Or Diet Prince! Or whatever you call this guy who’s clearly trying to rip off the lil’ purple dude! He does a half-credible job, although there are certain elements I don’t think you’d ever find in a Prince song, most notably that awful rap that name-checks the band. You might find the random female appearance, though; I could totally buy that this voice belonged to Martika or one of Prince’s other protégées that he randomly locked in a bathroom or something. This female voice, however, belongs to Niki Haris, best known for her work as Madonna’s backing vocalist from 1987 to 2001. I’m sure Haris was excited to finally have her moment in the spotlight with “Do Anything,” except the song didn’t actually feature her singing — just speaking. Nor did they include her in the video. Ouch! Even Loleatta Holloway got her time in the Marky Mark video. That’s gotta hurt.

In all honesty? I actually really like this song. There, I said it.

1. Emotions — Mariah Carey

With “Emotions,” Mariah Carey became the first artist to have her first five singles reach #1, breaking a record previously held by the Jackson Five. (Of course, she then proceeded to break her own streak with “Can’t Let Go,” which peaked at #2.) The song was written by Carey and the C + C Music Factory team of David Cole and Robert Clivillés, who also wrote “Make It Happen” and a few others for her second album.

You’ve heard me speak before about Mariah’s “golden period,” and this song is smack in the middle of it. It’s simply happy, and features a fantastic vocal. We’re hearing Mariah hit all those ridiculously high notes for the very first time, and while I’m not going to say that those notes are “can only be described as pure ecstasy,” as claimed in this article, I really don’t have a problem with any of ‘em. I’ll take a song like “Emotions” over “Touch My Body” any day of the week.

As discussed briefly by Dave on Episode 1 of the Popdose Podcast, it’s a wonder that the writers of “Emotions” weren’t successfully sued for ripping off the Emotions’ “Best of My Love.” The lawsuit was settled out of court, with Emotions writer Maurice White receiving an undisclosed amount of money. Cole has admitted that the Emotions were an inspiration for, um, “Emotions,” but he denies doing anything sketchy: “We’re not dumb enough to go and steal the damn record.”

Because of stage fright, Mariah avoided live performances, leading critics to believe her vocals were synthesized. She proved them wrong with her MTV Unplugged appearance, although by that time, she had lowered the song a couple of keys. (Big frickin’ deal.) Here’s a performance from The Arsenio Hall Show.

And that brings us to the end of another CHART ATTACK! If this look back at the ’90s left a bad taste in your mouth, have no fear — we’re heading back to the early ’70s in two weeks. See you then!

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Hi everyone! It’s Friday and it’s time to look back at another Billboard Top 10 from — holy crap, this is from 29 years ago. Anybody else feel really old? Thankfully, I think this is a pretty good week for the charts: good variety, strong songs all around, and some really fantastic videos. Join me, won’t you, as we take a stab at October 11, 1980!

10. Give Me the Night — George Benson
9. Real Love — The Doobie Brothers
8. Xanadu — Olivia Newton-John/Electric Light Orchestra
7. I’m Alright — Kenny Loggins
6. Late in the Evening — Paul Simon
5. Drivin’ My Life Away — Eddie Rabbitt
4. All Out of Love — Air Supply
3. Upside Down — Diana Ross
2. Woman in Love — Barbra Streisand
1. Another One Bites the Dust — Queen

10. Give Me the Night — George Benson (download)

George Benson on roller skates, y’all. Does it get any better?

If you feel like this song’s groove sounds vaguely familiar, it’s probably because it was written by Rod Temperton, former keyboardist for Heatwave, and the man behind much of Off the Wall (and, later, Thriller). Every time I hear a Rod Temperton jam, I’m once again astounded that sounds like this came from a white guy. “Give Me the Night” peaked at #4, making it Benson’s most successful hit, with the awesome, awesome “Turn Your Love Around” right behind it, peaking at #5 in 1981. I’m disappointed that “Lady Love Me (One More Time) only made it to #30. I don’t have much more to say about this song — I’m too busy groovin’.

9. Real Love — The Doobie Brothers

If you buy the Michael McDonald: The Ultimate Collection CD (and you should!) and you import it into iTunes, there’s a good chance that the song titles for the Doobie Brothers tracks will come up like this: “Real Love (ft. The Doobie Brothers).” Now, on one hand, that’s incorrect: these tracks, and others like it, were released under “The Doobie Brothers,” and changing it is akin to changing “Lennon/McCartney” to “McCartney/Lennon.” (Okay, it’s nothing like that, but I just wanted to compare the Doobies to the Beatles for a second.) But in all honesty, these are Michael McDonald tracks featuring the Doobie Brothers. Other than keeping the album as a consistent “Michael McDonald” album, I’m not sure what the reason was for this alteration, other than McD just trying to find one more way to piss off Jeff “Skunk” Baxter. And if that’s the case — bravo, McD! I thought you ran out of ways to irritate Skunk a long time ago. Of course, Baxter was out of the band by the time both this song — and its accompanying album, One Step Closer — were released, and the band was nearing dissolution anyway due to the increased friction that came from essentially being McD’s backing band. Still, “Real Love” is a great song from this era of the Doobies. It’s no “What a Fool Believes” or “Minute By Minute,” but it’s got plenty of soul and a typically great vocal by McD.

8. Xanadu — Olivia Newton-John/Electric Light Orchestra

You know what happens when you combine Olivia Newton-John with Electric Light Orchestra? If this song is any indication, apparently you get ABBA.

I don’t want to say too much about this song, because the last time I talked about ONJ/ELO during this period, it was when I discussed “Suddenly” as a Mellow Gold song, and everybody raked me over the coals for not knowing enough of ELO’s music. I now know some of ELO’s music, but I can’t say that it makes me appreciate “Xanadu” any more or less than before. It’s a fine little pop song, but the only reason I’m really giving it a pass is because of my huge crush on Olivia Newton-John. I love Olivia Newton-John so much. In fact, her involvement in this movie makes me sad it failed. I want to live in a world where everything Olivia Newton-John does, ever, is a smash hit. Except for Two of a Kind and anything where she has a perm.

Since our last discussion of the cult fave in 2007, the movie became a Broadway hit, and suddenly it’s cool to like Xanadu. I have a problem with this, and it goes back to the ’80s hipster irony discussed by Dave Lifton in Episode 1 of the Popdose Podcast. Bravo for you if you shamelessly loved this movie in the ’80s, but boo on you if you’re doing it now because you’re a hipster. And heaven help us all if Roller Boogie has a comeback.

A few chart facts about this song: it peaked here at #8, although it topped the charts in the UK for two weeks, making it the only ELO song to do so. And it was the only song starting with “X” to reach the Billboard 100 until 2001, when Xzibit unleashed his masterpiece “X.” ELO recorded a new version of “Xanadu” for their box set Flashback, though in reality, Jeff Lynne recorded all instruments and vocals himself.

Behold, the video for “Xanadu,” which prompted one YouTube viewer to comment, “Did someone just pump my eyes full of drugs?” Again, I’m more than happy to watch this video repeatedly, thanks to Olivia. When she blows the kiss to the guy near the end of the video, I’m pretending she’s blowing that kiss to me.

7. I’m Alright — Kenny Loggins

In our last edition of CHART ATTACK!, we discussed Kenny Loggins’ final soundtrack contribution (and his final Top 10 hit), “Nobody’s Fool” from Caddyshack II. So it’s a nifty lil’ coincidence that we get to cover his first soundtrack contribution today, from the original Caddyshack. Both songs feature the hallmark of any good uptemto soundtrack song — the notion of “I’m gonna make it after all!” Of course, the difference between the two is that “I’m Alright” stands on its own as a genuinely good song, and a surprisingly creative one at that — it opens with the chorus, features a pre-chorus that initially seems out of place but actually fits perfectly, and has this odd acapella breakdown in the middle. It all works. I don’t know how, but it does. “Nobody’s Fool,” on the other hand, has a good chorus, but that’s about it, and has that awful “back to the shack” line. 1980 Kenny Loggins didn’t need to pander to movie producers the way 1988 Kenny Loggins did.

“I’m Alright” was Kenny’s second Top 10 hit (the first was “Whenever I Call You Friend” with a goat Stevie Nicks), and if you want to be specific, it wasn’t actually his very first soundtrack contribution; he co-wrote “I Believe In Love” with Alan and Marilyn Bergman, sung by Barbra Streisand in A Star Is Born.

Check out this video, filmed in California in 1981. It’s a fantastic performance of the song, and near the 4 minute mark, Kenny kicks an amp over…while playing a 12-string acoustic guitar. I love you, badass 1980 Kenny Loggins, in your “I just got the day off from prison!” orange jumpsuit.

6. Late in the Evening — Paul Simon

Paul Simon falls into that category of artists I’m supposed to like more than I actually do. (He joins Neil Young, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen and U2. I think Popdose’s Ken Shane just started sobbing.) That being said, I think “Late in the Evening” is a really fantastic song. I remember sitting next to a friend on an airplane once; he was listening to this song and playing air guitar, air bass and perhaps an air bongo, all energetic enough to wake me from a nap. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that if I have one problem with this song, it’s that people go inappropriately apeshit when they hear it. When I saw Paul Simon live in 2001 (part of the summer tour he did with Brian Wilson), this song inspired tons of people to get their groove on in the aisles. It was actually pretty cool, and as far as I remember, Paul didn’t make any of those weird hand-and-arm gestures he’s been prone to over the past few years. I always try to figure out what the hell he’s doing or whether he’s doing them to make some kind of point.

“Late in the Evening” peaked here at #6, marking the last time Paul Simon has reached the Top 10. I’m shocked that this song fared better, chart-wise, than “You Can Call Me Al,” which only reached #23. Here’s Paul and his phenomenal band (including the ridiculous Steve Gadd on drums and Tony Levin on bass) live in 1980; if you’re interested, here’s a more recent acoustic clip, featuring John Mayer and Randy Jackson.

5. Drivin’ My Life Away — Eddie Rabbitt

“Drivin’ My Life Away” is a cute little ditty that kind of sounds like it wants to be “Subterranean Homesick Blues.” Unfortunately, Eddie, those smooth, Mellow Gold-ish harmonies in the verses aren’t doing you any favors in that department. It’s a song that’s all about driving, so I’m going to make a statement that’s never been made before: “Drivin’ My Life Away” is the “Life is a Highway” of 1980. I just blew your mind, didn’t I? I don’t think it’s actually true, but I just wanted to be bold for a minute.

Even though I know he wasn’t a one-hit wonder, I always find myself surprised when an Eddie Rabbitt song shows up on the charts that’s not “I Love a Rainy Night.” Clearly it was his biggest hit, reaching #1 on the Hot 100 as well as on both the Country and Adult Contemporary charts — but “Drivin’ My Life Away” was actually a crossover hit five months prior, peaking here at #5 and reaching the top of the Country chart. When all was said and done (Rabbitt died in 1998), he had a total of seven Top 40 hits that also happened to be Country chart-toppers.

“Drivin’ My Life Away” was taken from a movie called Roadie, starring — are you ready for this? — Meat Loaf and Art Carney.

Roadie also featured Blondie, Roy Orbison, Hank Williams, Jr. and Alice Cooper. How the hell have I not heard of this movie before? Has anybody seen it? Is it as awful as I imagine it would be? I did manage to find a story of a man who was an extra on the Roadie set.

I noticed they did update the cover of the DVD. Can’t figure out why.

4. All Out of Love — Air Supply

I gained new found respect for “All Out of Love” a few months ago when, in my infinite wisdom, I decided that we should cover this song for Acoustic ’80s — and not only should we cover it, but we should include it as the second-to-last song in our final set. So after we’d won over the crowd and they’re all pumped up from singing “867-5309″ and “Take On Me,” I figured we should suddenly bring the room down and play them a ballad that we’ve never played before, hoping they’d all sing along.

Mistake #1 was assuming people knew all the words of the chorus. Everyone knows “I’m all out of love” and “I’m so lost without you,” but then suddenly the room got real quiet. Shit. Mistake #2 was not giving enough respect to Russell Hitchcock. That man not only hits some difficult notes in this song, but he holds them forever. Check out this live version (ripped from vinyl) from 1982, where he belts the final note (on the word “wrong”) for a full 16 seconds. I barely made it to 12 seconds.

Air Supply — All Out of Love (live) (download)

You’re not going to listen to it, are you. Yeah, I figured as much. I know I’m pretty much alone on this. But since I’ve gone this far, what the hell, here’s a video from a concert in Hawaii in ’82. Look at this guy, dammit! He takes this tiny little breath, then rocks that note! RUSSELL HITCHCOCK IS SUPERMAN. Shut up and skip to 4:00.

3. Upside Down — Diana Ross

This song — the whole diana album, actually — has a great back story. Chic’s Nile Rodgers and Bernie Edwards had written a number of songs intended for Aretha Franklin, but when she turned them down, they were passed on to Miss Ross. The recording sessions for diana were a mess, resulting in Ross walking out when Rodgers and Edwards told her she was singing flat. (Oh snap!) The album did wind up reaching completion, but when Ross heard the master tapes, she felt she was merely a guest singer on a Chic album. She complained to Rodgers and Edwards, who told her if she didn’t like it, she could mix it herself. So she did. She remixed the entire album herself, with the assistance of Motown engineer Russ Terrana (who must have been shitting a brick). According to Wikipedia, she “[toned] down the funkier elements of Chic’s playing, removing extended instrumental passages and speeding up the tracks’ tempos to give the singer’s voice a brighter, more youthful sound. The new mix also put Ross’ vocals front and center.” She then presented the album to Rodgers and Edwards. Who has bigger balls than Diana Ross? Seriously!

Rodgers and Edwards were pissed. They wanted their names removed from the record. Somehow, it didn’t happen, even though it was the Ross/Terrana version that wound up being released. So, of course, the question is: which version is better? You be the judge.

Diana Ross — Upside Down (download)

Diana Ross — Upside Down (Original Chic Mix) (download)

I hate to say it, but I’m going with Diana’s version. And man, was it a kick in the balls for Rodgers and Edwards: her version spent a month at #1 and became the most successful song of her career. And my favorite part of this whole story? Motown contacted the duo to produce her follow-up record. Ha ha ha ha ha!

2. Woman in Love — Barbra Streisand

In the late ’70s, the wise and falsettoed Barry Gibb had a sense that the Bee Gees’ chart run was coming to an end — a byproduct of the disco backlash — and wisely focused his energy on writing, performing and producing songs for other artists. Around this time, Barbra Streisand approached Gibb about writing an album for her. The result was Guilty, an album that featured two major hits: the title track (a duet between the two) and this song, which features, sadly, no discernible Barry at all. “Woman in Love” held the #1 spot for three weeks, and marks Barbra’s final chart-topper on the Hot 100. (I’d say “never say never” here, but I’m going to go out on a limb and just say “never” instead. Never.) Looks like, in a way, I spoke too soon: this week, Barbra Streisand has the #1 album in the country, beating out both Paramore and Mariah Carey. So no, it’s not a single, but still, that’s damned impressive. Congratulations, Babs! (And thanks, Rob, for enlightening me!)

Although “Guilty” was considered a strong contender for the first single, Barbra’s team deliberately held it back, recognizing that her last two major hits were duets as well (“You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” with Neil Diamond and “No More Tears (Enough is Enough)” with Donna Summer). Barbra had an issue with the line “It’s a right I defend over and over again,” wondering if it might be too “liberationist” for a pop song. It’s a shame they didn’t change the lyric; by the third time I’ve heard it, I’m done. It’s unbelievably grating.

Check out Barry’s demo for “Woman in Love.” He recorded it in a key higher than the one Barbra ultimately chose. And he hits all the high notes. It’s damn near comical.

1. Another One Bites the Dust — Queen

I’m a bit mixed about the success of Queen’s second (and last) #1 hit in America. It really has nothing to do with the song; this is one of Queen’s best, and it deserved to top both Hot 100 and R&B charts, and it’s a damn shame that they never reached the Top 10 again. The only problem I have is that it gave Queen the idea that they could continue in this funk/dance direction — and that led to Hot Space, an album so crappy that it hasn’t even come around as “Queen’s underrated album.”

“Another One Bites the Dust” wasn’t slated to be released as a single from The Game, but upon hearing the album, Michael Jackson implored Freddie Mercury to release it. The song was loved by many, including Sylvester Stallone, who cut a crucial scene of Rocky III to it. When Queen refused to allow Stallone to use the song, he turned to Survivor, and the rest is history. This essentially makes Queen responsible for Survivor.

By the way, little trivia fact: if you like that funky guitar part behind Freddie’s vocals in the verses…it ain’t Brian May. That’s John Deacon, who wrote the song, played the bass, both lead and rhythm guitars, and contributed all the hand claps. The song’s lyrics were influenced by an old Western flick Deacon was watching, but the inspiration for the bass comes directly from Chic; Deacon had spent some time in the studio with the band and was clearly influenced by “Good Times.”

And that brings us to the close of another Top 10! Thanks for reading CHART ATTACK! and we’ll see you back here in a couple of weeks!

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Hi everybody! It’s CHART ATTACK! time once again, and this week’s pretty solid, if I do say so myself. (And I do.) This week, we bid a fond (okay, maybe not-so-fond) farewell to three artists who had a slew of Top 10 hits in the ’80s but came to a dead halt within a few weeks of this chart. One day, someone will write a requiem for Loggins, Lewis and Palmer (sounds like a really bad supergroup), but until then, we’ll just have to pay tribute to them here, as we look back to September 24, 1988!

10. Don’t Be Cruel — Bobby Brown Amazon iTunes
9. Nobody’s Fool — Kenny Loggins Amazon iTunes
8. If It Isn’t Love — New Edition Amazon iTunes
7. One Good Woman — Peter Cetera Amazon iTunes
6. Perfect World — Huey Lewis & the News Amazon iTunes
5. Love Bites — Def Leppard Amazon iTunes
4. Simply Irresistible — Robert Palmer Amazon iTunes
3. I’ll Always Love You — Taylor Dayne Amazon iTunes
2. Sweet Child O’ Mine — Guns N’ Roses Amazon iTunes
1. Don’t Worry, Be Happy — Bobby McFerrin Amazon iTunes

10. Don’t Be Cruel — Bobby Brown

Whenever I’m feeling down in the dumps, I like to present myself with some perspective. I always used to think about the Blues Traveler line “It won’t mean a thing in a hundred years,” but I think I’m switching to “hey, you could be Bobby Brown.” Because I don’t know if anybody is such a great example of having everything and then flushing it right down the toilet. He’s even worse than Andy Gibb. I mean, Bobby Brown is so universally hated that even Whitney’s Oprah interview can’t bring her back to the top. You only need to spend a few minutes with Bobby Brown to know that it’s generally a bad idea (case in point? Glenn Medeiros); Whitney spent what, five years with this tool? Maybe if she could still sing, we’d take her back, but this is all besides the point. The point is that no matter how bad you think you’ve screwed up, or how much you think you’ll never be able to get back to a better place, remember: hey, you could be Bobby Brown.

Bobby’s first solo album King of Stage didn’t do so well on the charts (quite possibly because was not the king of the stage). Not so with Don’t Be Cruel, both the album and the single. This was the lead-off single, and though it took a couple of months, it eventually peaked at #8 and paved the way for the other hits from the album. “Don’t Be Cruel” is a pretty sweet R&B song; dare I say it deserved to chart higher, or at least higher than “Humpin’ Around.” My only criticism of the song, and I can’t believe I’m going to say this, is that it ends too abruptly. Bobby does a nifty lil’ rap, and then there’s a fade-out. I seriously want more.

9. Nobody’s Fool — Kenny Loggins

As we’ve said before, Kenny Loggins was the undisputed King of the Soundtrack Songs in the ’80s. You can’t deny the awesome montage/we’re-gonna-make-it-after-all power of “I’m Alright,” “Footloose,” “Danger Zone,” and “Meet Me Half Way.” Kenny would agree; they’re included on his 1997 greatest hits collection. “Nobody’s Fool,” however, isn’t on there. Seems odd, right? The song did reach #8, certainly higher than other included songs like “Forever” (#40), “Conviction of the Heart” (#65) and “The Real Thing” (#∞).

So why isn’t it included? I’m going to guess that perhaps it’s because the song was the “Theme From Caddyshack II,” which was a terrible, terrible movie. And because it actually includes the line “Back to the shack,” which just reeks of desperation. Take a look at the video, which — of course — includes numerous clips from the movie itself. When you’re competing with Jackie Mason for screen time, you know you’re in serious, serious trouble.

“Nobody’s Fool” was Loggins’ final appearance not only in the Top 10, but in the Top 40. That might be another reason why the song isn’t included. It’s actually a shame, because the chorus is pretty damn good. You can read more about the song and its video at Gavin Edwards’ Rule 42 blog.

8. If It Isn’t Love — New Edition

Wow. I honestly have not thought of this song since early 1989 at the latest. But now that I’m hearing it again, I’m remembering how much I dug it at the time, specifically the excellent chorus. The New Edition of 1988 had a more grown-up sound, thanks to the knockout team of Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis. The song borders on new jack swing, with a clever homage to the Jackson 5 in the bridge. Replacing the ousted Bobby Brown in the group was Johnny Gill, who was brought in after rumors of an additional departure by Ralph Tresvant (though he eventually opted to stick around). The group managed to get this song all the way to #7 — their first Top 10 hit since 1984. It reached #2 on the R&B chart, held off from the top spot by “Don’t Be Cruel.” I’m sure Bobby loved that, although it looks like New Edition — and everyone else in the world — has wound up with the last laugh.

The video for “If It Isn’t Love” isn’t as solid as the song itself. A Jamie Foxx lookalike (not Jamie Foxx, I looked it up) plays their manager, and he’s the Joe Jackson/Murry Wilson type, berating the guys for not working hard enough at their performance of this song. (I have to believe this was a dig at the group’s founder Maurice Starr, who was working with New Kids on the Block at this point.) So the guys spend the entire video looking relatively downtrodden and exhausted. Boy, is that fun to watch! Within the last minute or so, the manager gets fed up and leaves, locking the guys in the rehearsal room. They dutifully rehearse the song again, though they don’t look like they’re having any more fun on their own. God, this video is a downer. It seems like they might triumph at the very end, as they’re heading on stage, but that’s a segue for their next single’s video, “You’re Not My Kind of Girl,” which peaked at…#95. Ouch. So basically, the whole video is a lead-in for a bomb. There you go. If you made it through that paragraph, you never need think of the “If It Isn’t Love” video again, but if you’re jonesing to see it anyway (the choreography is almost laughable), here ’tis.

And if that’s not enough, how is that not enough? here are some guys who have done a complete remake of the video. I’m not sure why they did this, but it’s somewhat impressive.

7. One Good Woman — Peter Cetera

With “One Good Woman,” Peter Cetera walked into the studio with a really, really strong chorus, then just got lazy about the rest. The first verse is especially awful: “I am in so in love with you/I just can’t deny it/everybody knows I can’t deny it/everybody knows.” That’s the best you could come up with? The verse concludes with “Everybody needs a fortune teller/telling you the very truth.” That’s some lame-ass songwriting. Of course, it didn’t really matter; the man knew that all he had to do to secure a hit was to drown the song in Foster-esque keyboards and do that annoying vocal thing that he does, where he increases his volume and then quickly cuts off the ends of words — y’know, “fire” becomes “fa-yuh,” or to be more specific, “fa-yuh.” And sure enough, the bastard got to #4 with this song, the lead-off track from One More Story, an album that would have been much better had it been titled One Last Story, I Promise. Apparently, this song was supposed to be used in the movie Big, but 20th Century Fox asked for a number of changes (maybe they wanted, I don’t know, better lyrics?) and Cetera refused. I’d love to tell you this was Cetera’s last appearance in the Top 10, but it wasn’t; his last appearance was in 1997, reaching #8 with his contribution to Az Yet’s cover of “Hard to Say I’m Sorry.”

6. Perfect World — Huey Lewis & the News (download)

“Perfect World” was the first single off of Small World, and the only single to reach the Top 10 — a disappointment for a group who saw most of their singles between 1983 and 1987 reach those heights. In addition, Small World was named the Worst Album of 1988 by Rolling Stone readers. Ouch. So why did it happen? I think I have the answer. Look at these covers.

Sports, released in 1983.

Fore!, released in 1986. Two News.

Small World, released in 1988.

No News on the cover = unsuccessful album. I’m sure of it.

I actually do remember buying this cassette shortly after its release and thinking, “This looks so…serious.” And the music contained therein just didn’t sound like “fun,” the way the previous albums did. None of the songs sounded like “Hip to be Square” or “Stuck With You” or even “Doing It All For My Baby.” Artistically sound? Sure, with maybe the exception of “Bobo Tempo” (if you haven’t heard it, be thankful). But less pop, and more jazz/reggae means less interest from the radio-listening public, unless you’re UB40 or something.

All this being said, “Perfect World” is a fine song. Any song that features the Tower of Power horns so prominently is tops in my book. It was written by Alex Call, who was the lead singer of Clover, Huey Lewis’ former band. Alex even wrote most of the horn parts, which is pretty impressive, considering it’d be easy for Tower of Power to come in and just piss all over ‘em. The song reached #3, becoming the group’s last Top 10 hit. What a bummer. And I know I’m not the only one reading this who feels this way; Huey Lewis was voted innocent by a count of 300 to 71 in Rock Court.

If you have the chance to see Huey Lewis and the News live, go for it. The keys are lowered a little, and Huey’s not hitting all the notes he used to hit, but they still sound fantastic. Here’s the video for “Perfect World,” which shows that despite the serious album cover, they still know how to poke a little fun.

5. Love Bites — Def Leppard

As I was listening to the end of this song on headphones the other day, I noticed some other words being spoken in addition to “If you’ve got love in your sights, watch out — love bites.” I looked it up and apparently it’s Mutt Lange responding with “Yes it does…bloody hell.” It seems, though, that a number of people are hearing “Jesus Christ of Nazareth…go to hell.’ I can see “go to hell.” But “Jesus Christ of Nazareth” is decidedly different from “Yes it does.” People will hear what people want to hear. And what I want to hear is a kick-ass prechorus, and I sure as hell got it on this track. Every good Def Leppard song (and many bad ones, I’m sure) have prechoruses. I’ve spent more time than I care to admit analyzing this prechorus. See, it’s a full, four-line prechorus the first and third time, but only a two-line prechorus the second time. It’s amazing I ever got married.

Last time I covered this song on CHART ATTACK!, I wound up listening to Hysteria on repeat for about a week. I need to go warn my wife it’s about to happen again. It’d be great if Def Leppard could return to this kind of stuff. Perhaps they should take the excellent advice Don Skwatzenschitz offered up in last week’s “Unsolicited Advice For…Def Leppard” column.

4. Simply Irresistible — Robert Palmer

Yes, it’s true that by the time “Simply Irresistible” came around, Robert Palmer had pretty much beaten the hot-girls-in-the-background concept to death. But two points in his defense: firstly, if you had waited 12 years for your first solo top ten hit (“Addicted to Love,” which also reached #1), you’d probably go right back to that well for your follow-up album to make sure it wasn’t just a fluke. And secondly, this video does improve upon the concept. The girls are in swimsuits now, for chrissakes! And they’re wearing goggles! Goggles!!

I watched this entire video, vaguely remembering that there was a smile by Robert Palmer in there somewhere. I know he wasn’t as serious as these videos made him out to be — not by a longshot — but he knew enough to work with the persona. And I couldn’t help but smile myself when he finally broke. Smart guy. And a phenomenal voice. And although his death will prevent him from reaching the Top 10 ever again (unless he’s used in a sample), he did have a few AC hits later in his career. I’d like to be wildly optimistic and think he’d eventually make it back to the charts if not for his death, but I think it’s more likely that he would have gone the Paul Carrack route, singing standards and releasing Christmas albums and writing bad songs for the Eagles.

That’s not to say that “Simply Irresistible” is a work of lyrical genius either, though. It’s simply a good groove. Palmer could have used any word ending in the “ble” sound. Try it. My favorite suggestion is “An undescended testicle.” Are you listening, Weird Al from 1988?

3. I’ll Always Love You — Taylor Dayne

I wonder if, when “I’ll Always Love You” came out, Lite-FM program directors around the country did a little jig or something, because they knew that they’d be able to play this song for years and years and years. It’s perfect for them — it has a sweet sentiment (“you’re my lover, my friend,” blah blah blah), no real instruments save for perhaps a saxophone — just smooth programmed synthesizers, and it’s 100% inoffensive. In fact, the only thing offensive about the song is Taylor Dayne.

And that’s not even the worst of it, people!

Raise your hand if you won’t be able to sleep tonight!

I’ve decided I’m not going to talk about this song anymore. For starters, I think that I’ve already spent more time writing about it than she did recording it. Also, I went over to Songfacts (one of my favorite sites) to see if there was anything significant I’d missed about the song, and saw the following:

This song won the 1987 Grammy for Best Female Pop Vocal Performance, Record Of The Year and Song Of The Year. At the same time, Taylor Dayne won the 1987 Grammy Award for Best New Artist, and Tell It To My Heart won the 1987 Grammy Award for Album Of The Year.

You know what’s interesting about that above paragraph? EVERY SINGLE WORD OF IT IS FALSE. The answer to each of those is, respectively, Barbra Streisand (for an album, not a song), “Higher Love,” “That’s What Friends Are For,” Bruce Hornsby & the Range, and Graceland. And yes, I looked at the 1988 and 1999 Grammy award winners as well. No Taylor Dayne. As far as I know, the only Grammy Taylor Dayne ever won was for Best Unintentionally Hilarious Use of Botox. So right now, according to Songfacts, Taylor Dayne is a musical genius. I hate the Internet sometimes.

2. Sweet Child O’ Mine — Guns N’ Roses

Firstly, I think it’s crucial to point out that the amazing solo by Slash was influenced by, among other songs, “Baker Street.” This will be the first and only time that Gerry Rafferty and Guns N’ Roses will be discussed in the same sentence.

It’s generally accepted that the lyrics to “Sweet Child O’ Mine” originated from a poem to Erin Everly, Axl’s then-girlfriend, and that the lick was a mindless noodle during a jam session between Slash and Izzy. I’m assuming some of the other details, which can be found in the detailed Wikipedia entry for this song, are the stuff of legend. (“The final dramatic breakdown was not added until [producer Spencer] Proffer suggested the band add one. They agreed, but weren’t sure what to do. Axl started saying to himself, ‘Where do we go? Where do we go now?’ Spencer suggested that he sing that, and ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine’ was born.”)

Personally, I don’t think I’ll ever tire of this song. Despite how many times I’ve heard it on just about every radio station I can imagine, I’ll never turn it off. Looking back, I’m not exactly sure why I didn’t play it for my mother as proof that you can’t believe everything you read on the “Parental Advisory” sticker. (Yes, I’m still bitter that she wouldn’t let me have Appetite for Destruction.)

“Sweet Child” remains the only song in GN’R history to top the charts. And you just have to love 1988 so much when you see this song knocked off the #1 position by…

1. Don’t Worry, Be Happy — Bobby McFerrin (download)

I can’t force you to do this, but I think you should listen to “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” loud. Or on headphones. I know, I know: you’ve spent the last 20 years trying to forget about this song, and I don’t blame you. It’s an earworm, and it absolutely sucks to hear when you’re in a bad mood. But don’t do it for the message of the song; do it to marvel at the brilliance of Bobby McFerrin and his seemingly three billion vocal tracks. Each one is so seamless that it’s easy to forget that there aren’t any other instruments — just the voice. The man has an amazing gift, and I guess it’s both a blessing and a curse that he reached the top of the charts with this song. He’s known as a one-hit wonder by many, but they might never have heard of him at all were it not for this single.

McFerrin wrote the song after seeing the phrase on a poster of the Indian sage Meher Baba. (You may know Meher Baba if you follow the Who at all; Pete Townshend has spoken and written numerous times of him, and he’s the partial inspiration behind “Baba O’Riley.”) He had been working on the song for some years, and finally finished it for inclusion on his album Simple Pleasures. It was both the song’s unique quality and its placement on the Cocktail soundtrack that brought it to the top of the charts. And of course, then there was the video. You probably feel the same way about the video as you do about the song: you saw it a million times on VH1 back in the day and don’t need to see it again. But watch it anyway. McFerrin does a credible job keeping up with Robin Williams and Bill Irwin, who is, for my money, one of the greatest physical comedians of our time. So yeah — annoying? Perhaps. But the song is the work of a truly talented dude. (Why do I feel like I’m going to get so much shit from you guys for this?)

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As if you haven’t noticed, it’s Beatles Week here on Popdose. Hell, it’s Beatles Week all over the world. Well, far be it from me to stay away from any bandwagon, but as you know, I gotta give things a little bit of a twist. See, I could talk for days about the Beatles’ appearances on the Billboard Top 10. They hold a million records, too — “Hey Jude,” for example, was the first single in the history of the Hot 100 to enter the charts at #10, and stayed at the top for nine weeks, longer than any other Beatles single. But what can I really say about these songs that hasn’t been said before? So instead, I thought I’d present you with ten Beatles covers that appeared in (or at least hovered around) the Top 10. Okay, I’ll be stretching it a little: two of these songs were never recorded by the Beatles but were written by Paul and/or John. Still, I think it provides for a fun week. And as a little treat — every single song is available for download! (You can thank/curse me later.) Off we go with CHART ATTACK!: Beatles Edition!

10. Here Comes the Sun — Richie Havens Amazon iTunes
9. Goodbye — Mary Hopkin Amazon iTunes
8. We Can Work It Out — Stevie Wonder Amazon iTunes
7. You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away — The Silkie Amazon
6. Got to Get You into My Life — Earth, Wind & Fire Amazon iTunes
5. I Saw Him Standing There — Tiffany Amazon iTunes
4. The Fool On The Hill — Sérgio Mendes & Brasil ’66 Amazon iTunes
3. A World Without Love — Peter and Gordon Amazon iTunes
2. Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds — Elton John Amazon iTunes
1. Medley — Stars on 45 Amazon iTunes

10. Here Comes the Sun — Richie Havens (download)
Peaked at #16 on 5/22/71

Okay, I have to admit that I’m cheating a bit here: a spot in this Top 10 legitimately belongs to Anne Murray and her cover of “You Won’t See Me,” which peaked at #8 in July of 1974. But we covered that song back in July, and I honestly couldn’t bear to talk about it again. So instead, we’ll talk about Richie Havens’ song, which is a live version taken from his album Alarm Clock and remains his only single to reach the Top 40. Havens’ version features his trademark bordering-on-frenetic rhythmic guitar work, and definitely takes the song in a different direction; sadly, the lead guitar riff that is featured so prominently in the original (both in the introduction and the chorus) is gone, but Havens’ gentle, assured voice gives this version its own kind of peace.

9. Goodbye — Mary Hopkin (download)
Peaked at #13 on 5/31/69

In 1968, an 18-year-old Welsh singer named Mary Hopkin appeared on the British talent television show Opportunity Knocks. She sang “Turn, Turn, Turn” and won the competition. Twiggy happened to be watching the show that night, and called Paul McCartney to tell him about this fabulous new singer. The next Monday, Hopkin was in the studio with McCartney, recorded eight songs in a day and ended up with a contract offer at Apple Records. Her first single “Those Were the Days” (produced by Macca and recorded in English, French, German, and Italian) reached #1 in the UK and #2 in the US. Its catalog number was APPLE 2, behind APPLE 1, “Hey Jude.”

It was her follow-up single, “Goodbye,” that gives us a somewhat more direct Beatles connection — in addition to production, Paul also wrote the song (though, as with all songs at that point in time, it was credited to Lennon/McCartney). The 10th single released on Apple, it only reached #13 here but made it to #2 in the UK — held back from the #1 spot by “Get Back.”

I think “Goodbye” is a simple, sweet and charming little ditty. Hopkin’s vocal is pure and clean, and the percussion is quite charming. Paul’s demo, however, has a charm all its own, and in many ways, I prefer it to Hopkin’s version.

Paul McCartney — Goodbye (Demo) (download)

Here’s a promotional video for “Goodbye,” featuring Hopkin and McCartney in the studio. And if all that wasn’t enough, I found an absolutely stunning cover on YouTube. Check it out!

8. We Can Work It Out — Stevie Wonder (download)
Peaked at #13 on 5/1/71

There are essentially two ways to cover a song, right? You can either do a faithful cover, hoping that your own musical sensibilities will add something to it, or you can take it in your own direction, thus making it really “your song” than just a boring-ass cover. The problem with the former is that (in most cases) there’s no way to improve upon a Beatles original. So your best bet is to go in a different direction, and that’s what Stevie Wonder’s doing here. From that dirty keyboard opening to the octave-separated “hey!” backing vocals to the phrasing of the chorus to that fantastic harmonica solo, this song is wonderfully distinct from the original. Earning Stevie his second Grammy Award nomination in 1972, for Best Male R&B Vocal Performance, it’s exactly what a cover should be.

7. You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away — The Silkie (download)
Peaked at #10 on 11/27/65

…and this is exactly what a cover should not be. I hear a song not that different from the Beatles’ original, sung by two people for whom English is not their native language. I hear a producer saying to the woman, “don’t worry about pronunciation. Or consonants. Just sing really high and make vague shapes with your mouth, and it’ll all be fine.” And I hear a few harmonies that the Beatles didn’t have. But mostly, what I hear is a lame cover that brings absolutely nothing to the table. Who authorized this cover? Hold tight, I’m going to look it up.

Holy shit, THE BEATLES authorized this cover??

It’s true. The Sikie was, at one point, supposedly Britain’s answer to Peter, Paul & Mary. They got their name, according to Wikipedia, from an Orcadian song entitled “The Great Silkie of Sule Skerry.” (Duh!) They were best known for their covers of Bob Dylan songs (their debut album contains eight — eight!! — covers of Dylan tunes), and would often play them at The Cavern Club in Liverpool. Beatles manager Brian Epstein saw them perform there, and appointed Alistair Taylor (Epstein’s personal assistant) as their manager. And this is where the Beatles come in. From Wikipedia:

The group received help from John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison to record their cover version of “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away” on 9 August 1965 at the IBC Studios at about the same time as The Beatles’ own version was being released on their album Help!…John Lennon produced while Paul McCartney played the guitar and George Harrison kept time by tapping his guitar and also playing the tambourine. When the recording was completed Lennon was so pleased with it that he rang Brian Epstein, played it over the phone to him, and told him that they had just recorded a Number 1 hit.

Well, not quite, John: the single reached #28 in the UK but actually fared better here, peaking at #10. And that was it for the Silkie. Though they were supposed to hit the US for a tour, as well as appearances on American Bandstand and The Ed Sullivan Show, they couldn’t obtain the necessary paperwork, and all appearances were cancelled. They split up the next year.

So I guess I’m against the Beatles on this one. Apparently they thought it was brilliant. I’m thinking that John/Paul/George had a four-way with the girl. But that’s okay, I’m fine with disagreeing with the Beatles. Here’s Silkie performing their version of the song. Who taught these guys how to hold guitars?

6. Got to Get You into My Life — Earth, Wind & Fire (download)
Peaked at #9 on 9/16/78

Why is it that only the black guys are doing anything interesting with Beatles covers? Like Stevie, here’s another song that is completely different from the Beatles version; the melody may be the same, but everything else has been changed; the Beatles’ original horn motif is completely gone, replaced by EWF’s trademark funky sound. It’s phenomenal, and exactly what you want from a cover: who could possibly hear the opening horns to this track and guess what was coming next? Most of the credit goes to EWF member and producer Maurice White, who (with the group) won a Grammy Award for Best Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocalist(s), and was nominated for Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocals. The single peaked here at #9, but reached #1 on what was then known as the Hot Soul Singles chart, and sold over a million copies.

This song was released on The Best of Earth, Wind & Fire, Vol. 1, as one of the two tracks previously unavailable on EWF albums. The other track was “September.” Has there ever been a more awesome greatest hits compilation? However, it was also part of the Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band film (and soundtrack), where the band appeared as themselves. So that’s one count against them.

By the way, “Got to Get You into My Life” was the last Beatles song to make the Billboard Top 10 until 1995′s “Free as a Bird.” I didn’t believe it either until I found that the song wasn’t released as a single until 1976, taken from the controversial compilation album Rock ‘n’ Roll Music.

5. I Saw Him Standing There — Tiffany (download)
Peaked at #7 on 4/23/88

I’m sure it’ll be different when I actually have kids, but I imagine that I will be a fairly liberal parent, especially when it comes to what kind of music my kids listen to. My mom wouldn’t let me listen to Appetite For Destruction because of the “Parental Advisory” sticker; I wouldn’t stop by kids from listening to most music, unless it’s advocating violence, racism, or parentheticals in song titles.

However, if I had been a parent in 1988, I would have absolutely forbid my kids to listen to this song.

Granted, as a kid in 1988, I found nothing wrong with it. I actually knew the original, as opposed to when Tiffany released “I Think We’re Alone Now,” but it didn’t bother me at all. In 2009, I am mortally offended by this cover. I am appalled to think that there might have been kids who eventually heard the original and thought, “Oh, it’s that song by Tiffany — but they switched the words!”

And I’m not just offended from a pop culture or lyrical standpoint. I’m offended by its musical sensibilities (which I’m not even sure is the appropriate term here). What the hell is going on musically in this song? For starters, the entire thing is completely contrived and devoid of energy. Listen to the way Tiffany says “I saw him standing there” (and “I saw you standing there” at the end). Does it not sound like her manager absolutely forced this poor teenager to say these lines? Like, he withheld dinner until she did it? Every instrument is synthesized, except for maybe the guitar solo — which, of course, is horrible. God, wouldn’t it be great to meet the guy who has to tell people, “You know the guitar solo in Tiffany’s cover of ‘I Saw Her Standing There’? Yeah, that was me.” And what about those synths, huh? Why the hell didn’t Prince sue the pants off these people?

By the way, I just found a clip of Debbie Deborah Gibson and Tiffany performing — together! — in Quebec City back in April. Debbie Deborah plays piano for Tiffany on “Could’ve Been.” It’s the combination we were dying to see! (In 1989!) (And holy shit, Samantha Fox and Rick Astley were there too! Where the hell was I??)

4. The Fool On The Hill — Sérgio Mendes & Brasil ’66 (download)
Peaked at #6 on 9/28/68

What I would give to have seen the look on Paul McCartney’s face when he heard this and realized his earnestly-written song was now going to be used as the soundtrack for ’70s key parties. But, you know, this is the problem with releasing awesome music: once it’s out there, you have no control over what people do with it. (Trust me. I sing acoustic versions of ’80s songs.) So here’s Paul’s gentle ballad, re-imagined as a lounge song. I gotta give the guy credit: he does definitely take the song in his own direction, and the decision to change the tempo on the choruses is original. Still, I’m picturing dudes with lots of chest hair and turtlenecks and medallions all getting jiggy with a bunch of women to this song. Maybe with these ladies.

So unless I’m wrong (and if I am, that know-it-all Jon Cummings will jump in and correct me), there haven’t been any Beatles covers to reach the slots between #6 and #1. So now we come to the ones that reached the top of the charts — and there aren’t many.

3. A World Without Love — Peter and Gordon (download)
Peaked at #1 on 6/27/64

Like “Goodbye,” this one is a bit of a cheat, but I thought it deserved inclusion. Peter Asher and Gordon Waller were childhood friends in London who formed a musical duo together in the early ’60s, playing cover tunes in local bars. After one particular gig, a recording manager from EMI called them in to audition, and two weeks later, they were signed to the label. (This story is almost humorous now. Almost.) However, they didn’t have any original material, so Peter asked his sister Jane if her boyfriend had any material they could record. Jane’s boyfriend — Paul McCartney — gave him this song, which had been rejected by both the Beatles and Billy J. Kramer (who was also managed by Brian Epstein). The song didn’t have much of a bridge, but Paul wrote one the day the duo went into the studio to record. “A World Without Love” went to #1 both in the UK and the US, and was the first chart-topper written by Lennon and McCartney but not performed by the Beatles.

As for the song itself, it’s kind of square, but in my mind, fits in well with the kind of material found on Please Please Me and Meet the Beatles. It’d be interesting to hear a Beatles version, or even a McCartney version, but supposedly the only copy of the demo resides with Peter and he isn’t desperate enough to give it up. (The day will come.)

The group’s second single. “Nobody I Know” was also written by Lennon/McCartney, and reached #12.  Later in their career, the duo recorded another composition by the two, entitled “Woman” (no, not that one), but listed the writer as “Bernard Webb,” just to see if their success was coming from their Beatles connection. Turns out they were actually talented — the song reached #14 before the pseudonym was revealed. The group disbanded in 1967, and Peter eventually became head of A&R for Apple, signing some guy named James Taylor to the label.

2. Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds — Elton John (download)
Peaked at #1 on 1/4/75

…and here’s the second chart-topper not performed by the Beatles, right behind A World Without Love. I love Elton’s version of this song; he starts out slightly emulating the original’s trippy version, but soon enough, takes it in a rock direction, eventually changing the rhythm of the verses completely (after the guitar solo) and even going reggae for a spell. Elton and his band could do no wrong at this point in his career, and his #1 hit was deserved. Lennon appears on it as well; Elton had recently dropped by the studio during John’s sessions for Walls and Bridges, contributing keys and vocals to “Whatever Gets You Thru the Night” and “Surprise, Surprise (Sweet Bird of Paradox),” and Lennon returned the favor with “Lucy,” appearing under the name “Dr. Winston O’Boogie.”

If you don’t know the story behind the famous live version of this song (which is the version I’m offering for download), Elton made a bet with John that “Whatever Gets You Thru the Night” would hit #1; if it did, John had to appear on stage at one of Elton’s concerts. The song did indeed go to #1, and he kept his promise by appearing at Elton’s Thanksgiving show at Madison Square Garden on November 28, 1974, singing his #1 hit, Elton’s #1 hit, and “I Saw Her Standing There.” Lennon was incredibly nervous, having been away from the stage since 1972. You can hear it in his voice during the few times he sings the chorus; it’s scratchy and tentative. Still, John, Elton and the band are in fine shape here. Be sure to listen all the way to the end, as John makes a few humorous and revealing comments.

This performance essentially marked the end of Lennon’s “lost weekend”; Yoko Ono was in the audience that night, and after the show, the two reconciled. It also marked Lennon’s last public appearance on stage.

1. Medley — Stars on 45 (download)
Peaked at #1 on 6/20/81

There are so many things about this song that just don’t make sense. I could easily write a whole post about it; in fact, our own John Hughes did a few years ago. But of all of them, here are the ones that truly confound me:

1) This song is the most successful Beatles cover on the Billboard charts. Ever. The only consolation I have here is that it beat Tiffany.

2) The song also holds the record for the longest song title. Ever. In Europe, the song was simply known as “Stars on 45,” but American publishers insisted that the names of the songs be included in the title. And that’s how this song got the official title of “Medley: “Intro” / “Venus” / “Sugar Sugar” / “No Reply” / “I’ll Be Back” / “Drive My Car” / “Do You Want to Know a Secret” / “We Can Work It Out” / “I Should Have Known Better” / “Nowhere Man” / “You’re Going to Lose That Girl” / “Stars on 45.” And that’s just the single: the unedited version contains something like 32 song titles. 32 song titles!!!

3) The song choices are confusing as hell. The unedited version features nothing but Beatles songs, with the exception of a short snippet of “My Sweet Lord.” (The one solo song that made the cut was George Harrison’s. Huh?) The edited version removes many of these songs, and throws in “Venus” (you’ll see why in a second) and “Sugar Sugar.” And I have no idea why they ignored some of the more popular Beatles songs in favor of “I Should Have Known Better” and “You Can’t Do That” (on the unedited version). What, nothing from Sgt Pepper?

4) Of all the songs on today’s chart, this is the one I hear in my head at 3 AM. If this happens to you too as a result of this post, I’m sorry. Kind of.

So what’s the story behind this song? Well, a guy named Willem van Kooten found a bootleg single being sold in record stores in Holland. This single was a medley of well-known tunes, set to a dance beat so it could be played in clubs. Kooten owned the rights to one of the song’s in the medley (“Venus”), and was angry that he wasn’t getting any money for it. Unable to find the creators of the bootleg, he enlisted a producer (Jaap Eggermont, former drummer for Golden Earring…random!) to create a new medley. And now you know why “Venus” was included on the single, even thought most of the other songs are by the Beatles. (No clue about “Sugar Sugar,” though.)

“Medley” went to #1 for one week, interrupting an impressive streak by Kim Carnes with (what else?) “Bette Davis Eyes.” And the producers went on to release something like a million other “Stars on 45″ medleys, including tributes to ABBA, Stevie Wonder and the Rolling Stones. There’s one that features shit like the themes to Star Wars and M*A*S*H as well. I have all their albums (you’re not surprised, are you?) but I can’t bring myself to listen to them.

I’ll give them credit where credit is due, however: the songs all do seem to work well together. Putting together a mix like this without the aid of computers must have been exhausting. And the Beatle impersonators do a pretty good job, especially the guy who’s imitating John Lennon. I just feel bad for all the barely-talented tribute band singers who heard this and thought that they, too, could have a #1 single if they tried really hard.

John Hughes wanted me to share a specific video with you, but it’s been removed from YouTube. I think this one is just as fascinating, though. Out of curiosity…do you think I could cover this for Acoustic ’80s?

Man, what a crappy way to end our Beatles week, huh? Still, this was a lot of fun to put together. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to ditch all ten of these tracks and listen to my Beatles remasters. See you in a couple of weeks, and thanks for reading CHART ATTACK!

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Howdy, everybody! Hope you’re all enjoying the last of your summer days, while I sit indoors and listen to ten artists who are likely never be found on the Top 10 — hell, probably the Top 40 — ever again. Let’s take a look back at the week ending August 28, 1982!

10. Take It Away — Paul McCartney Amazon iTunes
9. Wasted On the Way — Crosby, Stills & Nash Amazon iTunes
8. Vacation — Go-Go’s Amazon iTunes
7. Keep the Fire Burnin’ — REO Speedwagon Amazon iTunes
6. Even the Nights Are Better — Air Supply Amazon iTunes
5. Hard to Say I’m Sorry — Chicago Amazon iTunes
4. Hold Me — Fleetwood Mac Amazon iTunes
3. Abracadabra — Steve Miller Band Amazon iTunes
2. Hurts So Good — John Cougar Amazon iTunes
1. Eye of the Tiger — Survivor Amazon iTunes

10. Take It Away — Paul McCartney

I consider myself relatively well-versed in Paul McCartney’s post-Beatles career (though I do not know a single song from Press to Play), and yet I think I need someone who knows his stuff a little better to explain what the difference is between this song — a Macca solo song from Tug of War — and a Wings song. Production-wise, this doesn’t sound much different from “Listen to What the Man Said.” But what do I know. “Take It Away” features Ringo on drums, who also appears in the video with Tug of War producer George Martin on piano. I didn’t like this song the first time I heard it, but like so many of his songs, I just can’t get it out of my head now.

9. Wasted On the Way — Crosby, Stills & Nash

In 1982, Crosby, Stills & Nash peaked here at #9 (their second highest charting single behind 1977′s “Just a Song Before I Go”), and also had a #18 hit with “Southern Cross.” Do you think they were thinking, “Hello, ’80s!”? Because that certainly didn’t happen. Not that it matters, but “Wasted On the Way” was their final Top 40 appearance.

Interesting story behind Daylight Again, the album containing the single: it was intended to be a Stills & Nash project, mainly due to Crosby’s never-ending drug problems. They went straight to the B-list for possible replacements, including Art Garfunkel and the Cryptkeeper Timothy B. Schmit, but the folks at Atlantic Records pretty much told ‘em they had to get Crosby or the album wasn’t happening. Crosby and Nash tried to hold their ground, even paying for the recording sessions out-of-pocket, but eventually relented and asked Crosby to join the project. Personally, my imagery goes straight to Crosby in a Hawaiian shirt, being dragged on his back by his ponytail into the studio while eating a slice of pizza, never quite realizing what’s happening, and the scary thing is that it might not be far from the truth.

For all that I love harmony and acoustic music, I’ve never been much of a CSN fan. One of the guitarists in my band is always asking me why I don’t care for CSN, so I was excited to tell him that I actually like this one. You know what he said? “Oh, that one’s so wimpy.” I said, “…As opposed to what?” Either way, I do think this is a nice song. I think the instrumentation on the studio version is pretty much unnecessary; I like this live version from 1982 instead. You really do get the sense that Crosby has no idea where the hell he is. Check out the part where he makes the “shhh” motion, either to an already-quiet audience or the goblins doing a rain dance in his head. It doesn’t matter, though; they sound fantastic.

8. Vacation — Go-Go’s

I was looking over the Go-Go’s chart history, thinking that surely there was a song I was forgetting about — but only two singles ever made the Top 10: this one, peaking here at #8, and “”We Got the Beat” at #2. I don’t care much for either of these songs — I prefer “Our Lips Are Sealed” (which only hit #20) and “Head Over Heels” (#11). The only thing I really remember about “Vacation” is the half-humorous, half-awkward video. Songfacts has a great interview with guitarist Jane Wiedlin where she mentions the video:

Well, we were at the A&M sound stage, and it was a big budget video, because of course by that time we were really popular, because it was our second album, and our first album had sold like, I don’t know, over 2 million copies or something. So we had a lot of money to do the video, which was the first time for us, because the other videos we just spent, like $5,000 on or something. And it was fun, but it was a way of working that we weren’t accustomed to. And I remember it being a really long day, like a 14-hour day, and about 8 hours into it we all were getting really bored and restless, so we started drinking. But by the time they actually shot the scene where we’re on the water skis, skiing one-handed and waving and stuff, we were all really looped. It’s so funny, if you look at us, look in our eyes in those parts, we’re all like cross-eyed drunk.

7. Keep the Fire Burnin’ — REO Speedwagon (download)

One day far in the future, my grandkids will all gather ’round the fire (or whatever has replaced fire by then) and say to me, “Tell us a story about the old days, Pappy!” And I’ll tell them the story of a band who was signed to Epic Records (they were a “record company,” children!) in 1971. This band managed to release six albums, plus a live album, before one reached the Top 40 — as well as nine singles, many which didn’t even reach the Hot 100, before reaching #1. It took them nine years to find popular success, and yet they were never dropped from their major record label.

I’d like to think that my grandkids will “ooooh” and “aaaah” over this story, but more than likely, they’ll be bored to tears. (Never mind the awkward “What’s a record label?” question.) So this is the part of the story where I will don an eye patch (if I’m not wearing one already), jump up and yell “ARRRRRRRRRR!” And the kids will scream and go, “Pappy, are you some kind of scary pirate?” and I’ll respond, “No, children, I’m Kevin Cronin! I overpronounced everything! ARRRRRRRR!”

Of the successful Speedwagon singles (four Top 10 hits altogether), it’s kind of a sad note that “Keep the Fire Burnin’” is by far the most aggressive of the bunch. And it’s not a bad song. In fact, I’ll go on record as saying that the last 55 seconds rock pretty hard. But it’s still a sort of awkward rocker, mainly because, like “Keep On Loving You,” Cronin’s overpronunciation make the rhymes so painfully evident. Have Cronin and Dennis DeYoung ever worked together? If not, they should. They could strip the rock from anything.

Some people really do love the Speedwagon; check out Rob Smith’s excellent Death By Power Ballad post on one of their more recent releases.

6. Even the Nights Are Better — Air Supply

I don’t need to tell you this, because you already know it, but I am a full, un-ironic fan of Air Supply — pretty much all Air Supply. (What you don’t already know is that although we owned all of their albums growing up, I really don’t remember most of the songs that weren’t singles — just trying to clean up my reputation here.) And you also probably already know that I loved the Air Supply concert I saw in 2007. And I’m not the only one; Steve Spears of the awesome Stuck in the ’80s blog recently discussed his experiences rocking out at one of their concerts. They actually do kind of rock. Remember the beginning of “Even the Nights Are Better”?

Well, this is what it sounds like when they play it live these days:

RAWK!

I can’t be sure, but I think there’s a good possibility this change in style is due to bassist/rock god Jonni Lightfoot. Jonni will probably find this post during a Google search soon, so Jonni, if you’re reading this, please chime in and let us know if you’re responsible for bringin’ the balls to the Supply.

Here’s why “Even the Nights Are Better” rocks. The guys who wrote it — Ken Bell, Terry Skinner and J.L. Wallace — wrote a song that’s actually quite complex. If you’re a musician, here’s the sheet music. Check out how, after the guitar solo, the song very subtly changes keys, and renders the song virtually impossible to sing. Unless, of course, you’re Russell Hitchcock, and that’s why Air Supply gets the credit in my book, even if they had nothing to do with the song’s composition. And you can bet Hitchcock still sings it in the original key. That’s another reason why they rock. And finally, they get credit for an incredibly awkward music video, where the two guys walk around a relatively deserted Coney Island (Graham is inexplicably wearing a suit), talking to each other until they come across two girls riding bicycles. They sneak into a carnival, which suddenly is operational but only for the four of them, and then, at the end, Graham and Russell double team ‘em under the boardwalk.

Okay, maybe that doesn’t happen, but why doesn’t that happen? It seems like the logical conclusion. Also, there’s lot of discussion between the four in this video that we’re not hearing. Someone needs to go ahead and record dialogue over this video; preferably the guys who do the literal videos.

And because I’m a nut, here’s another version by Air Supply — a live version from 1983. Why Graham plays a 12-string acoustic on this song, I’ll never know. Is it even turned on?

5. Hard to Say I’m Sorry — Chicago (download)

I hesitate to mention this, but “Hard to Say I’m Sorry” was actually the theme song to a movie entitled Summer Lovers. From Grease and The Blue Lagoon director Randal Kleiser, this movie featured Peter Gallagher and Daryl Hannah as a couple who get involved in a three-way with Russell Hitchcock Valérie Quennessen. It bombed. And the reason I hesitate to mention this is that I’m pretty sure this movie is going to show up in my mailbox any day now. Jeff already sent me The Van and A Night in Heaven after I wrote about them. I just hope he’s not reading this.

Despite the movie’s failure, “Hard to Say I’m Sorry” was a massive hit for the band, and a much-needed one as well; Columbia had dropped them in 1981 after they had gone three years without a Top 40 hit. Chicago 16 (on Warner Brothers) was the first album to feature Bill Champlin, but more notably David Foster, whose writing and production completely turned the band around. Chicago 16 featured session musicians (including members of Toto), outside songwriters, and less of the horns, but there was really no arguing that a pop direction was the only way Chicago was going to find any continued success. And you can crucify me for it, but I love this song. As a kid, I was always irritated that radio stations would edit out the second half of the song, “Get Away”; the mark of a “cool” station for me was one that would play the entire thing.

So, that being said, here’s the music video…with “Get Away” edited out. This video amuses me; it’s clearly meant to highlight Champlin’s new contribution to the band, and it also features Cetera playing bass. I find this interesting because it’s probably one of the last times he was identified as a bassist in a music video. Also, I don’t think there’s any actual real bass on this song.

Incidentally, I discussed this song way back in CHART ATTACK! #3; I totally forgot I did this, but I somehow blended “Hard to Say I’m Sorry” with the Postal Service’s “Such Great Heights. Check it out, yo.

4. Hold Me — Fleetwood Mac

“Hold Me” was the biggest hit off of 1982′s Mirage, and a co-write between Christine McVie and Robbie Patton, who opened for Fleetwood Mac in 1979. Mick Fleetwood stated in his autobiography that he believed the song was about Christine’s relationship with Dennis Wilson. You can read one person’s interpretation of the song, as well as hear a pretty good live version (considering the heavy production on the original) here. My favorite part of the interpretation is when the person discusses the line “So slip your hand inside my glove”: “There was a lone opinion that possibly this line is sexual in nature.” Har!

There are so many things that I love about “Hold Me.” The first is that I can’t hear Stevie Nicks anywhere on it. I love that it’s a duet between Christine and Lindsey, which was less common than a duet between Lindsey and Stevie. Within the duet, a couple of excellent choices are made: Lindsey sings some of the lines at his own pace, rather than conforming to Christine’s, and his vocal is occasionally thrown to the front of the mix, blurring the lines in terms of who’s singing lead. I love the production and instrumentation overall, especially the percussion; I want it to be a cowbell, but I know it’s probably a woodblock. Maybe Stevie’s playing the woodblock.

“Hold Me” is played on VH1 Classic all the time. If I turn it on in the middle of the night, and “Hold Me” is on, I know it’s time to go to sleep. My brain can’t handle whatever weird shit is going on in this video.

3. Abracadabra — Steve Miller Band

You suck so bad, Steve Miller.

I kind of want to leave it at that, but I guess I should explain. Does anybody write dumber lyrics than Steve Miller? I mean, “Take the Money and Run” actually makes me angry. Like, blood-boiling angry. This song ain’t much better. I mean, what’s stupider? “Every time you call my name, I heat up like a burnin’ flame,” or “Keep me burnin’ for your love, with the touch of a velvet glove”? Can we just agree that they’re both dumb, maybe? This song is so dumb that Sugar Ray covered it. When your song is in Sugar Ray’s wheelhouse, you know you’re in trouble.

But here’s the thing that kills me: this song is awesome. I’ve said it before, but Steve Miller, dumb-ass lyricist that he is, writes a killer hook. And “Abracadabra” has great music and an even better chorus. I think this is why he’s forgiven for his crimes against songwriting. He gives the people songs that allow ‘em to sing and dance. So fine. You win this round. But if I ever have to write about “Take the Money and Run,” there will be blood.

“Abracadabra” reached #1 for two non-consecutive weeks, giving Miller his first chart-topper since 1976′s equally idiotic “Rock’n Me.” It was also his last #1; his last Top 40 hit, actually. I wonder if, like Crosby, Stills & Nash, he was thinking, “Man, and I thought the ’70s were good? ’80s, here I come, armed with more dumbass lyrics! Abracadabra, bitches!”

Here’s the video, which is filled with awkward ’80s effects, bad magic (a chicken turns into a baby?) and, thankfully, very little Steve Miller.

2. Hurts So Good — John Cougar

In the liner notes to his (first) greatest hits collection, The Best That I Could Do 1978-1988, Mellencamp says: “I literally dreamt up that song in the shower in my house in Bloomington and I was still dripping wet when I got dressed, walked out of my bedroom and said to my old song writing friend George Green, ‘Hey! I just thought of a great chorus that goes “Sometimes love don’t feel like it should. You make it hurt so good!”‘ In the time it took to dry off, we’d written the verses together and finished it.”

John Cougar, I’d like to introduce you to my good friend Steve Miller.

I actually won’t knock Cougar Cougar Mellencamp Mellencamp too much, because as I think I’ve mentioned before, I have an irrational fear of him beating me up. He’s the only rock star I’m actually afraid of, and this is coming from someone who once mouthed off to Henry Rollins. (Okay, Rollins kind of scares me too.) Like many of his songs, this one is a strong, rootsy rocker (you have to use the word “rootsy” or “roots” when talking about Mellencamp, right?), and “Hurts So Good” was his first entry in the Top 10, followed by another nine. I didn’t realize how many singles he had in the Top 10. That’s impressive. Now I’m just kissing up in case his management reads this and sends him after me. I’m sorry for making fun of your lyrics, John. Well, actually, wait. I do have one question. I’m all for the whole “hurts so good” philosophy (well, not all for it, but I see where you’re coming from), but I don’t get “sometimes love don’t feel like it should.” I mean, how do you use the word “should” in that sentence and still make it sound like a positive experience? I understand “sometimes love don’t feel like you thought it would” doesn’t scan correctly, but I’d be more in favor of this song if you had chosen different lyrics. Maybe you should’ve taken a longer shower. (Full circle!!)

Anybody want to see the “Hurts So Good” video? Me neither. Moving on.

1. Eye of the Tiger — Survivor

Seriously? One of the best commercials ever. Seriously.

We could talk forever about “Eye of the Tiger.” Actually, Jim Peterik has talked forever about “Eye of the Tiger”; he discusses the song extensively on the Songfacts page. But you can break it down like this: basically, Survivor owes its success to the fact that Queen had not yet become the corporate whores they are today. See, Stallone was working on Rocky III, and had cut one scene to “Another One Bites the Dust.” Queen, however, weren’t willing to give up the rights to the song. (Yet.) Stallone had heard some tracks from Survivor’s Premonition album, and contacted the group to write a song in a similar vein. Peterik took many of the lyrics, such as “eye of the tiger,” “went the distance,” and “insert your own sports cliché here” directly from the movie. Personally, my favorite line is “So many times, it happens too fast, you trade your passion for glory.” I want to try and work this into as many conversations as possible — like, when they’re really having a heart-to-heart with me, I’d work it in, as sincerely as possible. “You know how it is, man. So many times. It happens so fast. You trade your passion for glory…y’know?” Boy, it’s a good thing I’m not a therapist. I’d be using it daily.

Also, far be it from me to tell Jim Peterik how to write an anthem, but I think “you trade your passion for pussy” would have been a better lyrical choice.

I don’t need to tell you that “Eye of the Tiger” was friggin’ huge. It held the #1 spot for six weeks, won the Grammy Award for Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal, and was nominated for an Academy Award. Still, it would be three years before they reached the Top 10 again (with a different singer, no less), and the closest they came to topping the chart was a #2 hit with “Burning Heart,” also an awesome soundtrack song, this time from Rocky IV.

We have plenty of readers — hell, we have plenty of contributors! — who still listen to Survivor. I’m not really a fan, but I did listen to their last album, Reach, and while I thought that a few songs were just attempts to recreate “Eye of the Tiger,” they were actually good attempts. Check out “Fire Makes Steel,” for example.

I could show you the original video, but instead, I’d like to point you to the version by the PS22 Chorus. And if this is your first introduction to the brilliance of PS22, lucky you.

And just like that, we’ve finished another awesome week of CHART ATTACK! Hope you enjoyed. See you back here soon, hopefully with 100% less Steve Miller!

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Hi, everybody! Welcome back to another edition of CHART ATTACK! So I’m assuming that every single one of you sat at your computers two Fridays ago, furiously refreshing my Twitter page to follow my exciting adventures at the Jack Wagner concert. What? You didn’t? You guys are jerks. That’s the last time I invite you to…watch me do something. Well, here it is in a nutshell: my two-hour drive wound up taking five hours in the rain and traffic. I showed up halfway through the show, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I shouted for “Right Here Waiting” when he asked for requests and Jeff hit me. Then, he played “All I Need,” and…well, if you haven’t read it already, check out Jeff’s awesome account of the evening.

Anyway, last time we met here, we covered a summer week in 1992. I was convinced there were better weeks within the decade to be found. Let’s see if you agree — here’s the chart for the week ending August 18, 1990!

10. King of Wishful Thinking — Go West Amazon iTunes
9. Cradle of Love — Billy Idol Amazon iTunes
8. Have You Seen Her — M.C. Hammer Amazon iTunes
7. Do Me! — Bell Biv Devoe Amazon iTunes
6. Blaze of Glory — Jon Bon Jovi Amazon iTunes
5. Unskinny Bop — Poison Amazon iTunes
4. The Power — Snap! Amazon iTunes
3. If Wishes Came True — Sweet Sensation Amazon iTunes
2. Come Back to Me — Janet Jackson Amazon iTunes
1. Vision of Love — Mariah Carey Amazon iTunes

10. King of Wishful Thinking — Go West

I’m having a serious debate with myself right now. Do I admit to you that I really like this song a lot? That if it comes on the Lite-FM radio station, I totally won’t turn it off? And after that, do I admit to you that the first compact disc I ever owned was the Pretty Woman soundtrack, followed by Richard Marx’s Repeat Offender? Because if I tell you these things, you might think less of me, and I don’t want you to think less of me. So okay, I won’t tell you. Problem solved.

Go West, consisting of Richard Drummie and Peter Cox, was formed in England in 1982. Although they had a number of hits in their native country, the duo literally hovered around the Top 40 before 1990: “We Close Our Eyes” reached #41 (you can find out more about the single by checking out either Popdose series White Label Wednesday or Bottom Feeders) and “Don’t Look Down — The Sequel” reached #39, leading me to wonder how anybody hits the Top 40 with the word “sequel” in the title. (Only one other artist has done it — if you know who, shout it out in the comments!) It wasn’t until veteran A&R exec and producer Ron Fair included the song on the Pretty Woman soundtrack that Go West received their moment in the spotlight. “King” peaked at #8 and received an ASCAP award as well. You may recall one other Go West song, “Faithful,” aka “King of Wishful Thinking  — The Sequel,” which reached #14 in 1992. Both songs were written by Drummie and Cox in collaboration with Martin Page, the man behind “In the House of Stone and Light.” Go West are still together, although Peter Cox has released a few solo albums — including one that contains his cover of “What a Fool Believes.”

9. Cradle of Love — Billy Idol

If you were watching MTV in the early part of the decade, surely you remember the huge news of Billy Idol’s motorcycle accident: in February of 1990, Idol ran a red light while on his Harley and was hit by a car. He almost lost his right leg; he wound up having a steel rod inserted instead. Billy’s album, Charmed Life and the single, “Cradle of Love,” ended up serving as “comeback” releases for him. They might have been determined as such anyway, as he hadn’t released a truly new album since 1986′s Whiplash Smile and hadn’t released a single since 1987′s live version of “Mony Mony,” from the remix album Vital Idol. The hype surrounding his return to the industry, coupled with inclusion in an overrated movie (The Adventures of Ford Fairlaine) and a tremendously hot video (directed by David Fincher) all helped the song reach #2 in early August. Billy hasn’t reached the Top 40 since then.

Now here’s the bad news: Billy lost two movie roles as a result of his accident. You may have heard about the first one — his role in Oliver Stone’s The Doors was significantly reduced since he couldn’t really walk. But the second role he lost?

I’m not kidding you. Billy Idol was James Cameron’s first choice to play T-1000 in Terminator 2. It’s totally true!

8. Have You Seen Her — M.C. Hammer

Okay, look. I understand that “U Can’t Touch This” was a huge hit. I’d even call it a deservedly huge hit. It’s awesome. The only thing wrong with it is that it gave Rick James more money for blow. But just because one song is a hit doesn’t automatically mean that every song after it should be given a free pass. This song is just terrible. Absolutely terrible. And even worse, it reached #4, beating “U Can’t Touch This” by four spots. How does “Have You Seen Her” beat “U Can’t Touch This”? This is bullshit. I’m glad he went broke.

I’m not just randomly bitching here. I can back this up.

Jason’s Top Three Reasons Why “Have You Seen Her” Sucks

1) No Chi-Lites. The Chi-Lites originally recorded “Have You Seen Her,” which peaked at #3 in 1971. Only one guy from the group was getting the good royalty money — co-writer Eugene Record. By 1990, the group was a nostalgia act. I can’t believe that they were rolling in the dough. So Hammer, if you’re going to totally steal from these guys, and use their hit as the basis for your song, the least you could have done was included them on the record. Instead, you got a bunch of douches who sound like New Kids on the Block and look like extras from a Bobby Brown video.

Would it have killed you to get the Chi-Lites in there? They could have gotten paid for recording, paid for filming…and I’m sure they would have been okay with your awful lyrics too. Which brings me to my next point.

2) These Lyrics Are Awful. Here are some examples. I scoured the lyric websites to find these.

at the movies, in my car, on my stereo
at a game of Different World or the Cosby Show
have you seen her?
at the track, at the club, or out buying dubs
if you’ve seen her, then I’ll have her, cause I’m in love
have you seen her?
searching ’round the world, what more can I say?,
the girl is hard to see like an unseen VJ
have you seen her?

Now, I have to believe that least a few of these lyrics are incorrect; what the hell is “a game of Different World,” and I personally think she’s out buying doves, not dubs, which is stupid but not any stupider than anything else. But I swear to you, I just lost eight minutes of my life looking at different lyric sites to see if I could find one person who spelled “memories” correctly (most either had “memorys” or “memory’s”). So I give up. But you get the point. The whole song is Hammer rapping sensitively. And stupidly. I feel dumber for having really listened to the lyrics.

3) Unnecessary Shot of Hammer’s Ass in a Banana Hammock

You’re welcome.

There are other reasons why this song sucks. They mostly have to do with the video. You can watch it if you want to. But I doubt you’ll want to.

7. Do Me! — Bell Biv Devoe

Oh, thank God — something to rescue us from Hammer. And thankfully, it’s one of the most awesome songs in the world. I know you want me to be kidding, but I’m not. This song kicks ass. First of all, it is absolutely shameless about its purpose. And proud of it, too. It is so shameless and proud about its purpose that they include an exclamation point in the title. For the record, I remain vehemently against parentheticals in song titles, but I’m totally okay with exclamation points, if they’re appropriate. And it’s totally appropriate here. Do me, damn you!

Musically, it’s a terrific, funky slab of new jack swing. Lyrically, it’s built to appeal to everybody. It appeals to women because it’s sexy and essentially puts them in control. It appeals to men because when they say “You can do me in the morning, you can do me in the night, you can do me when you want to do me,” they are expressing the general sentiment of the entire male population.

Now, that’s not to say “Do Me!” is perfect. Let’s look at the raps. Rap #1:

Backstage, underage
adolescent, How ya doin’
Fine,” she replied
I sighed, “I like to do the wild thing”

I’m uncomfortable with this turn of events. They actually say she’s “underage.” I can’t help if this is where R. Kelly got his bad ideas.

Action took place (hey!)
Kinda wet (come on!), don’t forget
The J, the I, the M, the M, the Y, y’all
I need a body bag!

I’ll be honest with you: up until this very moment, I had absolutely no clue that the end of this rap was advocating condom use. Well done, Ricky, Michael and Ronnie! You turned it around! If you’re going to commit statutory rape, at least be safe about it! Okay, on to Rap #2:

The time was 6 o’clock on the Swatch watch

Name-checking Swatch? Off to a bad start.

No time to chill, got a date, can’t be late, hey!
The girl is gonna do me

I’ve always envisioned that second line as a parenthetical thought. Like someone was like, “well, why can’t you be late?…oh, that’s why.”

Move to the Jacuzzi, ooh, that booty
Smack it up, flip it, rub it down, oh, noooooo!

There’s not a man my age — especially us white dudes — who doesn’t love quoting that line. But when you get down to it, what does it mean, really? I’m no player. I will admit that I’ve sorta figured out the smacking it up and the rubbing it down, but is there anybody out there that can please explain to me how I go about flipping a booty?

Well, pedophile and gymnastic sex moves aside, the song is still pretty awesome.

6. Blaze of Glory — Jon Bon Jovi

“Hi, Jon? We’d like you to write ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ all  over again, except without beating us over the head with rock n’ roll metaphors. Is that possible? Please call us back.”

I keed, I keed. I actually like “Blaze of Glory.” I think it totally captures the mood of Young Guns II, which is a funny thing for me to say since I’ve never seen it all the way through. A bunch of young, overprivileged Hollywood kids are in it, right? I imagine that’s why I turned it off. Okay, so I can’t say it captures the mood of Young Guns II, but it does sound like a rock n’ roll Western song. The production is solid, and as much as I want to mock Jon Bon Jovi, the man can sing. He hits some ridiculous notes in this song.

Of course, that’s not to say I can’t mock it.

First, the lyrics. I could probably find some issue with every word of this song. But let’s just start with the first few:

Wake up in the morning and I raise my weary head
I’ve got an old coat for a pillow, and the earth was last night’s bed
I don’t know where I’m going, only God knows where I’ve been
I’m a devil on the run, a six-gun lover, a candle in the wind. (Yeah.)

Count the clichés, everybody! I count, like, seven. Some artists go their entire career without including seven clichés. Bon Jovi gets ‘em all packed into the first verse! I’m sure there are more, but I actually can’t understand everything he’s saying. In the chorus he’s singing “Lord I never drew first/But I drew first blood/I’m no one’s son/Call me young gun.” He’s saying “I’m no one’s son”? I could have sworn he was saying “And I’m goin’ inside.” That makes no sense, but neither does the other lyric I thought he said: he says “I’ve seen love come, I’ve seen it shot down, I’ve seen it die in vain,” and I thought he was saying “I’ve seen it die of AIDS.” That’s just not right. Enunciate, Jon.

Second, the music. I’m just not sure what makes this song a Jon Bon Jovi solo song. As a solo artist, aren’t you supposed to be doing stuff you can’t do with your band? This song totally sounds like a Bon Jovi song, right down to the harmony vocal in the chorus. I don’t know who’s singing it, but it sounds exactly like when Richie Sambora. You can see it, right? Richie Sambora is jumping up and down in the studio and is all “Oooh! Oooh! Jon! Jon! Let me sing the high part! I’ll sing the hell out of it! I can sing too! I can sing too!” Can you imagine how annoying it must be to have Richie Sambora singing harmony in your ear? (Probably as annoying as it must be to have Jon Bon Jovi singing melody in your ear.)

John Fusco, screenwriter for both Young Guns movies, actually was inspired by “Wanted Dead or Alive” when he was writing the first film. He used it as “mood music.” Emilio Estevez told Bon Jovi about it, and he came up with “Blaze of Glory.” Bon Jovi was rewarded with a cameo in Young Guns II alongside Fusco, where he’s shot and killed. Thankfully, he comes back to life and records “Prayer ’94.”

5. Unskinny Bop — Poison

My instincts are telling me I’m supposed to mock this song, but it’s really not so bad, is it? I mean, it’s not earth-shatteringly awesome, but it’s kind of fun, right? See how insecure I am about not mocking this song?

I started looking around the web to figure out exactly what “Unskinny Bop” means, apart from The Outrageous Tribute To Poison band. Songfacts claims:

According to Poison guitarist C.C. DeVille, the phrase “Unskinny Bop” has no particular meaning. DeVille wrote the music and used the phrase as a placeholder for the lyrics, which lead singer Bret Michaels would write. When their producer Bruce Fairbairn heard the phrase, he thought it was perfect for the song, even though he had no idea what it meant.

That may be true. However, I prefer to believe this account, courtesy of Wikipedia:

The meaning of “Unskinny Bop”, according to band mates of guitarist C.C. DeVille, was a term they coined on the spot when at a rehearsal studio, a drunken DeVille was approached by a pair overweight prostitutes (a fact somewhat suggested in the music video by DeVille’s appearance with a suggestively clad woman on each arm). Upon retreating from the advance, DeVille tripped and hit his head on a solid guitar case, after which he passed out. When the guitarist came to his senses and couldn’t remember what had happened, the band mates reported that he had been engaged in the “unskinny bop” with the prostitutes.

Both stories seem a little too convenient, but the second one is miles better than the first.

By the way, Unskinny Bop (the tribute band) claims “We believe that a tribute band experience should be as authentic as possible which is why we put 150% effort into every show we play.” I think this makes a really grand assumption about Poison in the first place.

4. The Power — Snap!

“The Power” was a wildly successful song, mainly because of its memorable line “I’ve got the power!” and, maybe to a lesser extent, “it’s gettin’ kinda hectic.” However, most of the memorable moments from this song are taken directly from uncleared samples. For example, “I’ve got the power!” comes from a song called “Love’s Gonna Get You” by Jocelyn Brown. The guys in Snap! were sued, and though they claim that the line was re-recorded by Penny Ford, it has yet to be proven. Similarly, “it’s gettin’ kinda hectic” was taken from “Let the Words Flow” by Chill Rob G, who also sued (his part was re-recorded by Durron Butler, aka Turbo B). Finally, parts of the drum beat were taken from Mantronix’s “King of the Beats.” As far as I know, Mantronix did not sue Snap!. All this from two German guys (Michael Muenzing and Luca Anzilotti) who went under pseudonyms (Benito Benites and John “Virgo” Garrett III) because they were worried the American public wouldn’t be interested in German pop music.

Okay, maybe there’s one other line you know: “Or I will attack — and you don’t want that.” At least that’s the one line a friend of mine knows. He just kind of mumbles his way through the rest of the rap, then gets right in my face and shouts this line. I want to punch him in the teeth. And as guest Chart Attacker Carlos mentioned last year, this song never seems to die, mainly because of its utility as a “jock jam.” Frighteningly enough, it’s probably the only song on this chart that is still actively used to promote sporting events, as well as movies and television shows. Jesus.

3. If Wishes Came True — Sweet Sensation (download)

There’s something amazing about this song. It’s not the fact that it managed to knock powerhouse “Vision of Love” out of the #1 slot. Nor is it the fact that it represented a change in the group’s song style, from their blend of Latin freestyle dance (evidenced in their hits “Sincerely Yours” and their cover of the Supremes’ “Love Child”) to power ballad. No, the most amazing thing about this song is that David Foster had absolutely nothing to do with it. Listen to the first 35 seconds. Does that sound like a Foster joint or what? Maybe not that opening flamenco part with the ridiculous synth strings, but right around the 30-second mark, which reminds me of something like “Where Does My Heart Beat Now.”

When I saw this song on the chart, I was convinced that I had never heard it before. And as it started, I still wasn’t completely sure. Then, when it got to the part where she sings “Take me back, turn back the hands of time, when you kissed me in the warm September rain,” I totally instinctually sang the backing “warm September rain!” vocal. Out loud. At the gym. It’s a wonder I didn’t get my ass kicked.

2. Come Back to Me — Janet Jackson (download)

“Come Back to Me” was the fifth of seven singles from Rhythm Nation 1814 to reach the Top 5, a record still held by Jackson today. When looking over this chart, I was actually surprised this was from the same album as the others, since it was released nearly a year after “Miss You Much,” and the other six singles are significantly more aggressive than this one. It’s like the “Let’s Wait Awhile” of the album. I think it’s a beautiful song. Love the chords, love the backing vocals, I don’t even mind Janet’s little spoken “I miss you” interlude (mainly because she doesn’t start going into “She’s Out Of My Life” weeping territory).

I’m totally re-buying Rhythm Nation 1814 right now.

1. Vision of Love — Mariah Carey

I remember hearing “Vision of Love” for the first time and thinking, “It sounds like Whitney Houston…but better.” Like many of us, I’m sure, I was completely knocked out by this song when it was released. It was an instant classic by an unknown singer with a voice that just blew everybody away. Mariah’s had her share of hit singles (and your share, and my share…), but I don’t think any of them even hold a candle to this one. And what’s even better — she wrote it herself, along with her pre-fame collaborator Ben Margulies. This song deserved to be a #1 smash.

And now, of course, I’m just sad. Yes, Mariah still has cultural relevancy, which is something that none of the other artists on this chart have been able to achieve. Janet’s engaged in a pathetic battle for it, and speaking of Whitney, we’re going to see her fighting very hard over the next few months for the same thing. Mariah’s got it. Of course, in exchange, she gave up her actual talent. You heard her at the Michael Jackson memorial service, right? Did you wince, like I did? She barely has a voice left. (“Overcome with emotion,” my ass.) She was brought to our attention because of that stunning voice, and now, it’s about her breasts. Not that there’s anything wrong with her breasts. But you know what I mean.

I don’t know what’s going to happen to Mariah next year, when she enters her 40s. Maybe she’ll retire. (Unlikely.) Maybe she’ll return the favor granted to her by Brenda K. Starr and help a new artist get their start. (Also unlikely.) Maybe she’ll wear tighter clothes and hide her voice further behind Auto-Tune. (Extremely likely.) Whatever it is, I doubt I’ll be paying much attention. I’ll just keep going back to “Vision of Love.”

Here’s Mariah’s performance of the song early in her career at the Grammy Awards. She’s a little nervous in the beginning, but I’ll take it over the polished fem-bot she’s become any day. And she totally takes control after the first verse. It’s been quite a few years since she’s sung it in this key.

If you’re interested in seeing more early, unpolished and natural Mariah, here’s some interesting video footage from her first-ever radio interview on Z100 in NY (God, their morning show used to be so terrible), and here’s a fantastic performance of “Vision of Love” from her MTV Unplugged EP.

Mariah Carey — Vision of Love (Unplugged) (download)

And that brings us to the end of another edition of CHART ATTACK! Thanks so much for reading!

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