Hang on to your precious lil’ mining hats, my mellow friends: today we’re going deep, deep into the mines. How deep? Deep enough that the song we’re covering never came anywhere near the Top 40, was never released as a single, and isn’t even included on most of their Greatest Hits compilations…and yet, I say without any sense of exaggeration that it really doesn’t get any mellower - and somehow, lazier - than this.

England Dan and John Ford Coley - Hold Me (download)

Seriously, folks - this track is one of the more obscure ones I’ve got in the collection. I honestly don’t even know how it got there. I have a hunch it showed up on Pandora at some point, but I can’t be sure. But either way, ladies and gentlemen of the wuss jury, I intend to prove that just one listen of this song will leave the men with empty nutsacs and the women thoroughly unsatisfied.

Now, of course, you all remember the biggest and brightest Mellow Gold hit from Dan Seals and John Colley (not a typo), “I’d Really Love To See You Tonight.” You can read My Top Five Interesting Facts About England Dan And John Ford Colley back in Mellow Gold 13. (You’ll also get a chance to see Terje’s Mellowmas creation, which always impresses and worries me.) Catch up and come on back. We’re not here to talk about the linen movin’ in today. Nor are we here to talk about any of their other Top 40 singles or even “In It For Love,” a fantastic mellow gem of theirs that Dave P sent me. They’ll all be covered in due time. And if I catch any of you guys talking about Todd Rundgren again, I’m going to have Dan Hill deliver a singing mellowgram to your bedroom at 4 in the morning. Don’t test me. I’ll do it.

Anyway, when we last saw the dynamic duo, they were just finishing up their latest photo session at the local Sears.

I feel like it’s only a matter of time before Ben Stiller and Luke Wilson adopt these roles.

The guys were doin’ pretty well, actually. Although they were in danger of being swallowed whole by their massive fucking collars, they managed to find success with a few other songs: two from Nights Are Forever (including the biggie), and two from their next album, Dowdy Ferry Road. If you think that album title’s awkward, consider one of the singles: “It’s Sad To Belong.” Sounds like it belongs on a perverse episode of Sesame Street or something. Anyhoo, it’s on their next album where we uncover today’s song.

Man, were these guys fucking downers or what? 4 hits in the Top 40 and “Some Things Don’t Come Easy?” Screw you guys! Firefall would have killed for your career, you assholes! There’s an especially earnest review of this album on AllMusic. I’m particularly fond of these two gems:

“If Dowdy Ferry Road was their bleak moment in song, Some Things Don’t Come Easy is the calm before the storm, a port prior to the schizophrenia that was Dr. Heckyll and Mr. Jive.”

All I want to do is call Joe Viglione in the middle of the night and tease him for listening to enough of England Dan and John Ford Coley that he can make a comparison like this one. But I won’t. Here’s the part I really love:

“They look alike on the smiling, happy airbrushed front cover, but you can almost see sadness in their eyes on the photos on the back.”

Ten minutes is longer than anybody should take to try and find the back cover on the ‘net, so if you can locate it, let us know. Interesting, though, that Joe mentioned the misleading smiles on the cover, but didn’t note the most misleading part of all - the electric guitar!

Anyway, the hit from this album was “We’ll Never Have To Say Goodbye Again” (and oh boy, is that one mellow), but I think “Hold Me” is much more interesting, mainly because it’s actually not really interesting at all. Instead, when listening to this song, one can’t help but feel like the duo merely decided to cash in on the mellow formula that they knew was a sure-fire hit. The song was written by Coley and two other guys - Bob Gundry and Simon Waltzer - who, as far as I can tell, haven’t really written anything else. It’s almost as of the three of them found a refrigerator-magnet set of mellow keywords, and just kind of put them together. Shall we? (Note: I couldn’t even find these lyrics online, which meant I had to listen to the song, pausing repeatedly, to transcribe these. No need to thank me. Everything I do, I do it for you.) Oh, and in case I haven’t mentioned it yet, I think this song is being sung to a whore. Let’s go!

Some loves are easy
And some are just games

Oh boy, England Dan, do I hear you on that one.

Sometimes the one you love doesn’t even have a name

Took me a minute to figure out what the hell this line meant. Now that I understand it, I don’t think it’s a very nice thing to say. Hookers have names. Isn’t that right, Charlene?

Sometimes I run away

And, of course, the image in your head should be some guy running down the block in his Fruit Of The Loom tighty-whities, clutching his jeans in his arms, tears rolling down his face, wondering if he left his wallet on the nightstand.

But this time I’ll stay

Oh, that’s a relief.

‘Cause you say your love will mend what’s broken

Shame, E.D.! That’s just a line they use so that you’ll squander away those “Diamond Girl” royalties your brother lent you!

Oh, wait a minute - here comes the best part: the chorus!

So hold me
Tell me that you’ll be here tomorrow
Just hold me
Do you have a love I can borrow?

Wuss jury, I present to you Exhibit A, and the only exhibit I really need to put forth: “Do you have a love I can borrow?” I’m seriously having a hard time thinking that these schmucks were earnestly asking such a question. In fact, some part of me wants to believe that this was just a way to rhyme with “tomorrow.” I need to believe it, because if not, then that means that these people are the wimpiest people ever to walk this Earth.

Except for maybe one person, whom you may have thought of already.

For those of you who aren’t fans of The Simpsons, here’s a brief clip where Kirk attempts to seduce his soon-to-be-ex-wife back into loving him via romantic serenade:

Go ahead. Try and convince me that the lyrics to “Hold Me” are any better than “Can I Borrow A Feeling?”.

And honestly! What does “do you have a love I can borrow” even mean? Are these guys so meek, so tentative that they wouldn’t dare actually ask a woman to give her love without any condition attached? If he really is talking to a hooker (and how fucked up would it be if I was right?), is he just deluding himself, thinking that what she’s giving him is actually love, when we know that what she’s really giving him is chlamydia? How did this get past Mellow Quality Control?

I’m not even through the chorus yet!

‘Cause the fire in your eyes
Makes my heart ignite

That’s the chlamydia talking, England Dan.

So hold me
Hold me tonight

Note the pronunciation of “hold” here: it’s got that a little bit of a breath behind it - the kind that is usually only used when the “hold me” phrase is supposed to be especially dramatic. I think this is an Seals/Coley thing: remember the way we heard the word “while” back in “I’d Really Love To See You Tonight”? (You don’t? Damn - clearly I’m working too hard here.)

The chorus is over and we’re back to that piano riff (which, by the way, makes me want to break into “Oh No” by The Commodores). Why mess with the formula, fellas? More lazy, wussy lyrics, please!

Some loves are spoken
And some understood

Are we doing a compare/contrast thing again, here? Are you saying that loves that are spoken are not understood? Or that to understand love, you can’t speak it? Are we talking about the kind of love that dares not speak its name (a.k.a. in the butt)?

Sometimes you throw away a love that seems so good

/smacks head on desk

Now here I am with you
Feeling hope again
This time I hope there’ll be no ending

I’m about 20 seconds away from just throwing in the towel, people.

More chorus, then…you guessed it: Bridge!

Let our souls unite
You’ll be the love in my life
Tell me that it’s not just for the night

Ah HA! It is a hooker! I knew it!

Here’s the one interesting part of the song: from the bridge, they go right back into the chorus, but they sneak in a key change. At least I think it’s a key change. I can’t tell, for some reason, and the fact that an England Dan & John Coley song is making me question my own musical abilities is messing with my head right now. And check out that ending - how they decide not to resolve to the root chord. There’s a reason for this, I’m sure. What it is, though, completely eludes me. Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that this song, while containing everything we look for in a Mellow Gold tune, seems disingenuous, somehow. I didn’t know it was possible to phone in a mellow performance before I heard “Hold Me.” In a way, this song represents the best and worst of Mellow Gold. I dunno. What do you guys think? Perhaps if this had been their debut performance on the charts, I’d believe them. But with the amount of mellow hits they had, and the fact that their eyes (supposedly) looked so sad on the back of the LP, I just can’t help but wonder if this song was formulaic filler.

Well, no matter: the boys managed to hold on to the formula a while longer, for just a few more singles, before they broke up and went their separate ways. Dan Seals headed towards the country market, where he amassed an impressive 11 #1s, 7 of them consecutive. He now tours with his brother Jim as part of Seals & Seals. (You can go to their website if you wish, but be aware that each time you load it, you’ll have to sit through a five-minute Flash presentation.) John Ford Coley left the business temporarily after the split, but you can find him touring this summer with the likes of Christopher Cross, Ambrosia, Stephen Bishop, and holy shit, I have to go right now and see if I can catch one of these shows.

I don’t know whether to be disgusted with this song or enamored with its mellowness, but either way, I’m out of time. See you soon for another Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

Welcome back to another week of Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold! Before I get started - anybody see The Simpsons a couple of weeks ago, where Homer becomes a fireman? Mellow Gold Alert: there’s a montage with Homer near the end of the episode, and “Sad Eyes” by Robert John is playing. Could it be? Are The Simpsons producers reading this website? Definitely not. But I was still excited.

Anyway, on to the wuss music! This week, I chose a song that doesn’t really need much snarking. It’s simply a great song that always puts a smile on my face, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s from a band that we’ve previously unearthed from the mines!

Little River Band - Lady (download)

We last talked about Little River Band back in Mellow Gold #9. I’m sure you all go back and review those entries on a daily basis, but in case you’ve forgotten:

Hailing from Australia (which you’d never know from the vocals, clearly influenced by the music of the west coast), Little River Band originated as a band called Mississippi, but found that Australians didn’t seem to care for a band with such an American name. A street sign on their way to a gig in Australia influenced them to change their minds. Already huge in Australia, the band attempted to make it big in the UK, but were met with general indifference (much like other Australian bands at the time). Their manager, however, already had a strong sense of the American industry, and decided to set the band’s sights on the States.

Little River Band flourished in America: they became the first Australian band to truly hit it big, and sustain that success, in the United States. Between 1978 and 1982, the band had six consecutive singles in the Top 10, which at the time made them the only band - period - to claim such a feat. While their single “Lady” remains their best-selling single to date, “Reminiscing” was their highest charter, peaking at #5.

“Lady” reached #10 and stayed on the charts for an impressive 14 weeks. In my previous entry, I declared “Reminiscing” to be my favorite, but now that I’m paying attention to “Lady”, I’m not sure. “Reminiscing” is definitely a cooler song musically, with fantastic chords (I know, ’cause I can’t play ‘em), but “Lady” has so much going for it. It starts off all smooth, light guitar and piano, and then slowly builds into a song that actually kinda rocks. LRB throws in some strings, a little bit of guitar, and before we know it, we’re groovin’ into the chorus in something that almost feels….rock-ish. Crazy, I know! It does this multiple times. It’s some kind of mellow deception, I tell you. Actually, I’ll give most of the credit to the bassline, which seems to set the tone for the rest of the instruments - especially in that chorus. And at one point, there’s even some other percussion that I think actually is a fucking woodblock.

And how about these lyrics? They’re definitely mellow; only a true wimp could write “feel for the winter but don’t have a cold heart” and not burst out laughing afterwards. And did I mention that the name of the song is “Lady”? If we’ve been over it once, we’ve been over it a thousand times: when we’re deep in the mines, a telltale sign that we’ve struck mellow gold is a song calling a female “woman” or “lady.” Ever tried to say this out loud, by the way? Doesn’t work. (Trust me.)

However, let’s give some credit to songwriter Graeham Goble: remember back when we talked about “Reminiscing” and those double-edged lyrics? He writes this wonderful story about looking back on life and then twists the knife by stating “oh, the times we’re missing spending the hours reminiscing.” Well, Goble does something similar here: he expresses a sweet, genuine sentiment, but can’t help but throw a wink at us as well. I know, because this little wink got me into some trouble the other day.

So all through the weekend, I was singing this song. Couldn’t help it: the sun was shining, I was grilling in the backyard, I was in a great mood. So I’m singing the song to my wife, and get to the chorus (which, as we previously mentioned, is the best part). I sing the first line:

So lady, let me take a look at you now
You’re there on the dance floor making me want you somehow

Only problem is, the look I’m getting from my wife is one of those “you’re in the doghouse” looks. I can’t figure out why until she points out to me that “you’re there on the dance floor making me want you somehow” is actually relatively insulting - you know, like “it’s unbelievable that a beast like you could actually turn me on.” I tried to dig myself out of the hole by continuing:

Lady, I think it’s only fair I should say to you
Don’t be thinking that I don’t love you, ’cause maybe I do

Thanks, Little River Band. You ruined my Sunday.

So these lyrics are kinda sucky. I guess I never noticed it because of those stellar harmonies. Shit, change it to “lady, let me throw a book at you now” and I’ll still feel the same way about the awesomeness of this song.

Like many other bands of this era and genre, Little River Band experienced their share of personnel changes. In 1981, lead singer Glenn Shorrock left the group (or was fired, depending on who you ask), and was replaced by fellow Australian John Farnham. Farnham was primarily known in his home country for a novelty single called “Sadie (The Cleaning Lady)” and had recently hired LRB’s manager to take charge of his career. Farnham eventually had his own dramas with Little River Band, and went on to create his own unbelievably successful career in his home country - but that’s a story for another Mellow Gold entry. I mention him here because, in my mind, he furthered the mellow deception: his unbelievable voice helped turn some of their smoothest songs - including “Lady” - into rockers.

A few days ago, I was perusing YouTube and came across FritzRitz’s extensive LRB/Farnham collection. Included was a live version of “Lady,” audio only, that blew my mind. (Let’s not think about how sad it is that this song blew my mind.) I asked nicely and FritzRitz generously sent me the song to share with all of you. There are two noticeable skips in the song, which are a bummer, to be sure, but I don’t think it’ll take away from your general enjoyment of the song.

Little River Band (with John Farnham) - Lady (live) (download)

Rockin’, right? Check out some of the other videos on YouTube with LRB featuring Farnham, while I go searching for a live bootleg featuring this incarnation of the band. Farnham’s voice impresses the hell out of me. I don’t recommend you listen to his version of “Reminiscing” - a bit too much on the vocal gymnastics for my taste - but when I eventually convince my band that we must cover “Lady,” this is the version I’m sending them. Well, I’d throw the piano back in. But other than that, this song is perfect. I plan on listening to it all summer. I feel bad for those around me.

See you next week for another Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold! Thanks for reading!

So.

Apparently you guys weren’t on board for last week’s selection, “Couldn’t Get It Right.” Hell, you were even skeptical that there was any cowbell in the song at all. (To your credit, though, I’ve never been witness to such a spirited discussion of cowbell v. woodblock.) It’s okay. I admit I was slightly devastated affected by it, but I can’t spend time sulking, no matter how mellow a reaction it might be. I know what I’ve got to do. I’ve got to rebound. I’ve got to come back strong.

I’ve got to ride.

Christopher Cross - Ride Like The Wind (download)

Behold, mellow fans! This is what happens when a pussy puts on a cowboy hat and chaps!

We’ve encountered Christopher Cross twice before whilst spelunking deep in these mines (which I think now makes him our most frequently-covered artist so far), but oddly enough, the songs we’ve covered were not part of his unbelievable smash debut album. “Ride Like The Wind” was the first single - and an impressive entrance onto the pop scene at #2, I might add - from Christopher Cross. Yes, that’s one balls-to-the-wall album title right there, but if nothing else, it helps you understand why this song - his most uptempo, “gritty” hit - still sounds like it’s swimming upstream in oatmeal.

So, what’s the inspiration behind a wild - wild! - song like “Ride Like The Wind?” It’s hard to say. Perhaps Cross was inspired by his Texas upbringing, but let me tell you - growing up in Texas doesn’t automatically make you a cowboy. I grew up on Long Island, and I’m not a spoiled little…well, maybe this isn’t the best example. But look - this is the same man who felt that fantasy got the best of him while he was sailing, and we’re supposed to believe that he was some kind of outlaw, on the run (no time to speak)? I don’t buy it. Do you? Did anybody, even with the song being the world’s introduction to the man? Let’s examine the facts here:

1) Music. The strongest percussion in here comes from the bongos, apparently trying to replicate the sound of a horse. A horse that was doing some kind of two-step, apparently, but a horse nonetheless.

2) Lyric. “I was born the son of a lawless man.” Christopher Cross’s dad was an army officer. That seems pretty, uh…what’s the polar opposite of lawless? Not lawless? Yeah. That’s totally not lawless.

3) General Fact. This man wrote “Sailing.” I rest my case.

And don’t forget this lyrical gem: “Always spoke my mind with a gun in my hand.” Seriously. Are you buying this? And if you said “yes,” then you’re obviously Christopher Cross’s mom, and you don’t count. I did a play once where I had to smoke a cigarette. (If you can’t imagine how awkward this looks, imagine Christopher Cross trying to get on a horse. Same thing.) My mom told me I did “a very nice job.” She was lying. My point is that you can try to escape who you are, but you had better have some cojones behind it. Or at least a snare drum. I’m just saying.

For argument’s sake, let’s pretend for a second that we’re on board with this absurd role-playing fantasy. Mr. Cross is some kind of outlaw. And I can relate. Can’t we all? I ask you: who among us hasn’t had to ride, ride like the wind, to be free again? What’s that? None of us? Okay, clearly this isn’t working. I just can’t be convinced, no matter what.

Even the first line is making it difficult for me to go along with this story: “It is the night, my body’s weak.” I know what I’m supposed to think.

Exterior: Death Valley, CA
Time: 9:00 PM

The sun has set, but the temperature is still a blistering 92°. Our protagonist is stumbling through miles of flat, dusty terrain. He can still hear the rumble of horses’ hooves, but he isn’t sure whether he’s still being followed or they’re merely in his head. In his mouth is the taste of sand, kicked up by his spurs. He desperately wants to rest, but he can’t. It is the night. His body’s weak. He’s on the run, no time to speak. He’s got to ride. Ride like the wind.

Instead, this is all I can really think of:

Interior: Dunkin’ Donuts, Grand Rapids, MI
Time: 10:30 PM

The sun has set, but the temperature inside is still a cool 62°. Our protagonist is lying on the floor near the cash register. He can still hear the sound of the cashier, asking him if he’s sure he wants a fifth French Cruller, but he isn’t sure whether it’s just the sound of his rumbling gut echoing in his ears. In his mouth is the taste of glazed sugar. He desperately wants to eat another one, but he can’t. It is the night. His body’s weak. He’s trying to roll over, no time to speak. He’s got to eat. Eat like the wind.

Now this, I’m buying.

But it wasn’t just the lyrics. It was the vocal. As I said in a previous Mellow Gold, the vocal for “Ride Like The Wind” is edgy if you consider Emo Phillips edgy. He doesn’t sound like he’s in danger, or even mildly threatened. He just sounds so whiny, and…hey, you know who he sounds like? He sounds like that d-bag from Washington Square Park!

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/inline/rideliketheramen.mp3]

Anyway, you all know what I’m leading up to at this point: the fact that the reason this song was a #2 hit - and a Mellow Gold classic - is because of one person.

I don’t know how they met, and frankly, I don’t give a shit. All that’s important was that McD joined Cross in the studio, and added some great lead vocal lines - most likely because Cross was busy with an Egg McMuffin.

I know that you’re all chomping at the bit right now, thinking “SCTV! SCTV!” Here’s the clip from SCTV - later referenced in a Yacht Rock ep - of Michael McDonald recording his vocal.

I like this clip, but it drives me nuts, because it’s historically inaccurate: they don’t include McD singing the “ba da ba da” part. That was, like, all McD, man! Damn.

Anyway, you have to love McD’s part on this song. (And I mean that: it’s a requirement for visiting this site.) I think the whole song should have been McD. My favorite McD moment in this song is the very last “such a long way to go.” It’s a bit varied from the others, and has that sound of “C’mon, Chris, how many more times are you gonna make me sing this line? I can’t write this for you,” with Chris in the control booth, speculating on how much of a moneymaker McD will be, frantically betting on horses and going, “Just one more, Mike! Please!”

So although the truth is probably that the Cross/McD hookup was probably orchestrated by producer Michael Omartian or somebody at Warner Bros owed a favor, the two became friends and co-collaborators. (One day we’ll take a look at the non-MG song “Someday,” by Cross with McD backing vocals. Jeff sent it to me one day and I subquently played it 14 times in a row.) Here’s a performance of “Ride Like The Wind” from McD’s A Gathering Of Friends DVD.

It strikes me that going to see Christopher Cross live might be the most tepid concert imaginable. Although here’s what makes this clip awesome:

- Christopher Cross actually sounding weak on “My body’s weak.” I’ve heard three live performances of this song, and I have yet to hear him actually hit the right note on the word “weak.” How apropos! He just always goes a little flat.

- Backing vocals: Kim Carnes, y’all! Top single of 1981, and now she’s singing backup on “Ride Like The Wind” in The Michael McDonald Band.

- Michael McDonald’s vocals, obviously, but specifically his last “such a long way to go,” which impresses Cross enough that he forgets to come in with the next line and has to rush it, and his ad-libs over Cross’s guitar solo.

- Cross’s guitar solo. He’s a great fucking guitarist, actually, which you’d never know from the mellow original. See, on the original, he’s rippin’ it on guitar, but Omartian knew: don’t put the guitar higher than McD. Nobody knows you play guitar, Chris, and that’s okay. Let them think you just sit and eat Combos while the Doobie Brother does the heavy lifting.

Need more Cross/McD? Here’s a clip from ‘98, notable because McD is playing keyboards and looks like he came from the same Dunkin’ Donuts that Cross just left. Also, Cross still can’t hit the notes. He gets points for consistency, though.

Despite all this ribbing, “Ride Like The Wind” has endured as a classic, and not just to us mellow-lovin’ dorks enthusiasts. The kids seem to like “Ride Like The Wind” as well. Do a search on iTunes, and you’ll find countless remixes and remakes - even entire EPs - devoted to “Ride Like The Wind.” Here are two for your listening pleasure:

Ride Like The Wind (remix) (download) I don’t know anything about this one except that Jeff gave it to me. I think he has an entire album of Christopher Cross and Stephen Bishop dance mixes.

Ride Like The Wind (Layman Mix) (download) - this one comes from the excellent Born Again ’80s, which you should check out if, you know, you like ’80s songs. And remixes.

Well, I think I’ve made enough fat jokes for one week, don’t you? Ride like the wind, mellow miners, and we’ll see you next time on Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

Hey, hey! Wednesday’s here! And that means that it’s time to review the wimpiest music on the planet! We do it every week here on Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold! I can’t stop talking like a ’70s jockey!

Climax Blues Band - Couldn’t Get It Right (download)

I know, I know: didn’t we just talk about these guys? We sure did, just a month ago. Why cover them again? Well, one answer would be that we need to recognize - and dare I say, worship - those bands that are capable of striking (mellow) gold twice. Another, more accurate answer would be that “Couldn’t Get It Right” is going to be part of an upcoming Chart Attack!, and my twitchy little brain goes nuts when I come across a chart featuring untapped mellow-y goodness. So, off we go.

Now, I’m sure you all have virtually memorized Mellow Gold #27, and therefore know the story of Climax Blues Band by heart. If not, have no fear. Here’s the Nine-Point-Recap!

1) Band formed in 1968.
2) Band had no hits that year.
3) Or the next.
4) Or the next.
5) Finally had a hit in 1977 with “Couldn’t Get It Right.”
6) Band had no hits the next year.
7) You get the picture. Band has their next hit in 1981 with “I Love You.” Except for one member, entire band hated it. The guys refused to play on the recording, and never played it in concert.
9) Band changed members, still performs, and yet you continue not to care.

I know: if only I had offered this summary back in #27, you could have saved a good seven minutes! If you remember nothing else, just remember this: these guys eventually turned down “I Love You.”

So although I ooohed and aaahed over “I Love You,” that song only reached #12. I do think it’s the more mellow of the two, but “Couldn’t Get It Right” certainly qualifies as official Mellow Gold. After all, it has the characteristic…uh…the unmistakable…um…the inimitable….wait, what the hell was so interesting about these clowns, anyway? Well, courtesy of Songfacts, let’s let Derek “Yes, I wrote ‘I Love You,’ what’s your fucking problem?” Holt explain what made the band - and this single - so darn special.

Colin Cooper used to sing the lead - the low vocal, and I used to sing an octave higher. And then, because 4 of us sang in the band, we used to harmonize. The fact that we had the dual singing the same line but with an octave split made the sound very unique, and it’s still very unique today. Whenever people use it I think it’s great. That was one of our trademarks, we just used to sing together in unison.

Hey! What a coincidence - this was one of the trademarks of my high school band, too! I mean, it’s not that we couldn’t harmonize, we just, uh….didn’t want to! It’s called “dual singing,” you morons! Or have you not heard of “dual singing” where you live? That’s the problem with you people today - you have your fancy computers, and your “Internet,” and your Twitter, and you don’t take the time to learn about important rock techniques! YOU create something! Like dual singing! Always naysaying! You’re out of the band.

Where was I? Oh yes, dual singing. These guys thought dual singing was an actual technique, and remember: these guys eventually turned down “I Love You.” Dual singing gave this song a lot of its mellow groove, but to paraphrase that chick who sang with Don Henley, sometimes wusscle just ain’t enough. Not only that, there really aren’t any keyboards, and a whole lot of funky, crunchy guitar. What the hell’s going on here? This isn’t Mellow Gold!

But there’s something else. In fact, I think Holt meant to talk about it in his above paragraph. Here’s the quote he leaves out of this interview.

Also, as a group, we had a collective boner for the cowbell. Seriously, we would have had sex with it. We tried to have sex with it. What? The ladies weren’t around, okay? Don’t judge us. Few people know the truth: “I Love You” is actually sung to a cowbell.

I’m trying my best here not to make any “more cowbell” jokes. They were really funny in 2000, and have decreased in humor exponentially each time some douche exclaims “I got a fev-ah!” (Exception: unless it’s me or Mike. Then, it’s hysterical.) The truth is, though, that the famous Saturday Night Live sketch would have done just as well, if not better, if they had gone with “Couldn’t Get It Right” instead of “Don’t Fear The Reaper.” There’s cowbell on every beat of the song. Every. Single. Beat. And you know that shit wasn’t looped; some Climax Blues Bozo was prancing around the studio, hittin’ a stick against that cowbell like his life depended on it. I’m seeing Will Ferrell, aren’t you?

Let’s look at some of these lyrics. For starters, how do you get more Mellow Gold than a title like “Couldn’t Get It Right?” Jesus, that’s like the Mellow Gold Motto right there! The Boy Scouts had “Be Prepared,” the Wusses had “Couldn’t Get It Right.” Unfortunately, this song isn’t about what you think it’s about: it’s not about endless attempts to get a woman to appreciate your sensitivity and subsequent pathetic, whiny self-loathing. Again, Mr. “No! No! I am not going to defend ‘I Love You’ again!” Holt:

The song is about being on the road in America. “Looking for a sign in the middle of the night” being about the old Holiday Inn signs, really, because the moment you saw the Holiday Inn sign, that meant you got a bed for the night.

Their biggest hit is about a Holiday Inn, and remember: these guys eventually turned down “I Love You.”

Well, okay, maybe that’s just part of the song. How does it start?

Timeless drifting, this rock had got to roll

“This rock had got to roll?” You guys turned down “I Love You” but were okay with “this rock had got to roll?” What the fuck is wrong with you people? I understand that “Couldn’t Get It Right” was your biggest hit, climbing to #3, but were you really that far above the simple message of “I Love You?” If Climax Blues Band could defend themselves right now, I’d bet they’d do it with one guy talking in an octave above the other one. Idiots.

I realize that I’m coming off like a little bit of a hater of this song; it’s really not the case. I think the song is solid, with a great, funky groove, but I just find it a bit silly that the guys thought that it was so awesome that it was the new Climax Blues Band standard (and where was the blues, anyway?), and their other mellow hit just wasn’t meeting their expectations. Sorry, guys: when your most prevalent instrument is a cowbell and you’re talking about how happy you are to find a Holiday Inn in the middle of the night and you’re bringing in Robert John to sing octaves above your lead singer, you don’t have much of a leg to stand on.

Oh well. It is what it is, right? So maybe these guys hated the more mellow of their songs, but what they had forgotten was that with “Couldn’t Get It Right,” they were already members of the MG crew; perhaps they should have embraced it. Had they learned nothing from Ambrosia?

Enjoy your week, everybody, and see you next time on Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

Brace yourselves, Mellow Miners: it’s gonna get a little gloomy here today. Here are the rules: you’re allowed to stick your lower lip out, you’re allowed to find a teddy bear to hold on to, you’re even allowed to weep if you feel it’s absolutely necessary. But that’s as far as I’m going to let it go. I don’t want to open the paper tomorrow and hear about some wuss jumping off a bridge because the most recent Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold was just too much for their poor heart to take. Agreed? Okay, let’s go.

Robert John - Sad Eyes (download)

(sniffle)

“Sad Eyes” has been on “the list” to cover for a while now, but I was reminded of it last week when Mike mentioned a compilation called Easy Rock. There it is, right at the end of Disc 2, sandwiched in between “Couldn’t Get It Right” and “Bluer Than Blue.” There’s Mellow Gold for you: ending your compilation on the most depressing note possible. The theory might have been that if you made it all the way through the second disc, there was probably little hope for you, anyway. (I suppose that this could theoretically be applied to anybody who’s made it to MG #31, but let’s not think about that - just remember today’s rules, please.)

Anyway, Robert John. His morose but oh-so-mellow gem made it all the way to #1 in October of 1979. But as you’ll see, the trip to #1 was one long journey for this guy, leaving us to wonder what’s sadder: the singer or the song.

Dave Mason called, he wants his collar back.

Robert John was actually born Robert John Pedwick, Jr. in 1946. As a youngster, he honed his vocal chops in doo-wop groups on Brooklyn street corners. In 1958, at the ripe old age of 12, he experienced his first taste of fame: he was signed to Big Top Records, a burgeoning new label that focused primarily on singles. His song, “White Bucks And Saddle Shoes,” was only the fourth release for Big Top, which eventually went on to sign Del Shannon (their biggest success) and Johnny & The Hurricanes. “White Bucks And Saddle Shoes” reached #74 in Fall of 1958. Not a huge hit, but not bad for a kid, right? Surely Robert John thought that fortune and fame were just around the corner.

Robert John was wrong. Really, really wrong.

Really, really, really, wrong.

While he did have some minor success - his ‘59 follow-up, “Pajama Party” didn’t break the Hot 100, but sold well, and he sang lead on “My Jelly Bean” by Bobby & The Consoles in 1963, a New York hit - none of it even matched his debut, and certainly wasn’t enough to pay the bills. He changed his name to Robert John, and began working as both a producer and a songwriter. His demos attracted execs at Columbia Records, who released John’s song “If You Don’t Want My Love” in 1968. The single peaked at #49, John’s biggest hit to date. In 1972, on Atlantic, John re-recorded the Tokens’ hit “The Lion Sleeps Tonight,” produced by Hank Medress, one of the original Tokens. “Lion” spent seven weeks in the Top 10, and reached #3. However, Atlantic wouldn’t let him record a full album, and John quit the business.

Producer George Tobin (who, as we know, went on to work with Kim Carnes and Tiffany, among others) had been a fan of “If You Don’t Want My Love,” and convinced John to collaborate with him on a few songs. To make an already long story short, John wrote and recorded “Sad Eyes,” got picked up by EMI, and finally topped the charts.

New for 1979: a hit single from your accountant!

“Sad Eyes” clearly reflected John’s penchant for doo-wop music. In fact, he blended the smooth ’70s soft rock sound with doo-wop quite well. There weren’t any typical doo-wop vocals, but the beat and rhythm guitar part were straight outta the ’50s, as was John’s ever-strong falsetto. At the same time, you’ve got synths all around, gentle strings, some really pretty backing vocals, and - of course - a key change. Would it have killed John to throw in a sax, or maybe some Michael McDonald on the chorus? I’m just saying.

He does have one guest on the song: this chick that comes out of friggin’ nowhere at the end and starts wailing over the last chorus. I don’t know who this is, but I imagine she also auditioned for Merry Clayton’s part on “Gimme Shelter.” I like to think of her as a crazy woman who snuck her way into various recording studios, hid behind an amplifier until an artist was recording their last chorus, and then just went to town with ad-libs. Maybe that’s what really happened, and John happened to run out of studio time or something and couldn’t record another take. Okay, I’m pretty sure this didn’t happen, but at this point I’m just entertaining myself with these thoughts so I’m sticking with ‘em.

And how sad are these lyrics?

Try to remember the magic that we shared
In time your broken heart will mend
I never used you, you knew I really cared
I hate to see it have to end
But it’s over.

Yeah, that’s pretty sad. But here’s what I can’t figure out. The song is sung to the woman, right? Check out the first verse.

Looks like it’s over, you knew I couldn’t stay
She’s comin’ home today
We had a good thing, I’ll miss your sweet love
Why must you look at me that way?
It’s over.

“She’s comin’ home today.” Now, I’ve thought about this every which way I can. The only thing I can come up with is that John is a married man, cheating on his wife who’s out of town. That’s not very mellow of you, Robert John. And, might I add, such behavior does not befit a man who routinely squeezes his nuts like two grapefruits in order to hit those high notes. (Okay, small grapefruits.)

“Sad Eyes” was accompanied by a promotional video that cost the label approximately thirty-seven dollars. It’s John, in a really fashionable sweater (I’m lying), sitting on a chair, surrounded in smoke. As if that’s going to stop us from focusing on his abnormally large forehead.

Thanks to “Señor Gasmo” for uploading the clip. I am envious of your name, sir.

When “Sad Eyes” hit #1, Robert John made music history in the kind of way appropriate for a Mellow Gold artist. Remember “White Bucks And Saddle Shoes”? (You should, I only wrote about it two minutes ago. Jeez.) That song first charted in November of 1958. When John had his #1 hit, he set the record for the longest span between chart debut and #1: 20 years, 11 months. John kept this record until 1984, when Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got To Do With It” extended the gap to a full 24 years.

Additionally, “Sad Eyes” entered the charts on May 19, 1979, but didn’t hit #1 until October 6th, 1979, 21 weeks later - tying the record for “Slowest Mover To #1″ with Nick Gilder’s “Hot Child In The City.” (Both were defeated by “Chariots Of Fire” in 1981, and as far as I know, “Macarena” now holds the record - 49 weeks - although it fell off the charts for 16 weeks in the middle somewhere.) Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it’s nice to be noticed for any sort of record-setting, but if you had a choice, you probably wouldn’t choose records like “Longest Span Between Debut And #1″ and “The Little Mellow Single That Could.”

So…poor Robert John. He didn’t give up in 1959. He didn’t give up in 1968. Oddly enough, he gave up after finally having chart success in 1972, and then inexplicably wound up with a #1 in 1979. That’s dedication! That’s pathetic perseverance! That’s Mellow Gold!

John had a few other minor hits (go ahead, tell me about ‘em in the comments), but his last chart appearance was with “Bread And Butter” on Motown in 1983. I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing anymore; he’s probably living in Norway or something. Regardless, we’ll always have this mellow gem to remind of the man who waited 20 years, 11 months for his chart-topper. And he couldn’t even hold on to that record. Sad eyes, indeed.

Thanks for reading, and check you back here next week for another Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

Here’s a question, everybody: how did we get this far in Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold - #30! - without covering Pablo Cruise? I intend to remedy this right now!

Pablo Cruise - Love Will Find A Way (download)

Honestly, I don’t know why you guys read what I write: up until ten minutes ago, I thought Pablo Cruise was a dude. I thought he hung out with Dr. Hook and traded pirate wuss stories.

Pablo: You’re a doctor, right?
Hook: Yarrr!
Pablo: (pulls down his pants) Does this look infected to you?
Hook: Yarrr! That be the Chancroid!
Pablo: The Chancroid?
Hook: It’s a sexually transmitted disease caused by the fastidious Gram-negative streptobacillus Haemophilus ducreyi.
Pablo: Excuse me?
Hook: (pause) uhhh, I mean…YARRRR! Those be fearsome barnacles on your crow’s nest! Tell me, matey, have ye engaged in sexual intercourse of late?
Pablo: No! Never! In my life! That’s why it’s so confusing!

No, it turns out that Pablo Cruise is a whole gaggle of wusses who, as a collective group, turn 35 next year. That’s right: you’ve been groovin’ to The Cruise since 1973. (If you recall feeling some sort of emotional loss between 1985 and 2004, it’s because the band broke up during this period. They’re back together now, but we’ll talk about that a little later.) In ‘73, The Cruise formed in San Francisco, and was picked up by A&M (way to go, Herb Alpert!). Their first two albums didn’t produce any hits. It’s not hard to figure out why; if you were just browsing in the record store, would you have picked up this album?

“Hmm…new band I’ve never heard of…gorilla on the cover…sure, that’ll get my hard-earned cash!”

And would you have been interested enough to purchase their second album?

And in the great Awkward Male Rockers Sitting Around Naked Competition, Pablo Cruise takes a narrow lead over Orleans!

Their third album, A Place In The Sun, was released in ‘77 and included their first hit, “Whatcha Gonna Do.” Not coincidentally, it was the first to include their awesome (and I say this without a trace of irony) logo:

Original bassist Bud Cockrell left after A Place In The Sun, replaced by Bruce Day from Santana. With Day, the band recorded their most successful album, Worlds Away, which featured three hits in the Hot 100, including the one we’re discussing today.

And who the hell was Pablo Cruise, anyway? When asked the question, the band would respond “He’s the one in the middle” and chuckle to themselves. After that joke got old (approximately 30 seconds after its creation), the band would respond seriously: “Pablo represents an honest, real, down to earth individual; and Cruise depicts his fun loving and easy going attitude towards life.” Don’t believe this story, folks. The story I heard backstage at last summer’s free Pablo Cruise/Poco/Firefall/Ambrosia/Sneaker/Orleans/Gino Vannelli concert was that the lead singer named his left nut “Pablo” and his right nut “Cruise.” (How did I find this out? Someone came up to me and asked if I’d like to go “sing backstage with Pablo Cruise.” Let’s just say that a duet of “A Place In The Sun” was not what they were talking about. I’ll never be the same.) (…and there goes my readership!)

As if it wasn’t obvious enough in their name, Pablo Cruise was all about the musical smooth sailing - and they managed to achieve that goal without all of their songs sounding exactly alike. A number of them would probably qualify for Mellow Gold status, especially “Whatcha Gonna Do” and “Cool Love.” We’ll probably hit ‘em up at some point, but today, it’s all about “Love Will Find A Way.” Instrumentally, the song’s fantastic: when the keyboard and the bass are the most prominent instruments in the mix, you know you’re in mellow territory. The keyboard pretty much echoes the lead vocal, and the bass, while repetitive, is doing most of the heavy lifting in this song. The guitar provides the lead lines, but no rhythm. Yeah, I would have preferred those lead lines to be covered by a saxophone, but I can live with the guitar; it gives the song a bite that’s missing from most Mellow songs (not that it’s a bad thing, mind you). I bet “Love Will Find A Way” would have found a perfect home on Rockin’ Easy. And maybe I’m crazy, but those backing vocals sound even a little Motown-esque. Pablo Cruise had soul!

Question for you: does this song remind you of anything? The minute I heard the bassline, I thought of “Bitch” by the Stones, but then the first verse immediately reminded me of another, perhaps more popular song. Any thoughts? I put together a little mashup to illustrate what instantly jumped into my head.

[audio:http://www.wwmmd.net/tunes/inline/lovejump.mp3]

Hey, wait a minute…I think I just figured out Pablo Cruise’s secret identity! As mentioned above, the album was produced by Bill Schnee, who went on to work as engineer and producer on albums for Whitney Houston, Steely Dan and Huey Lewis and The News - and hmmm, he also remixed “Neutron Dance”…that’s suspicious.

I really can’t make too much fun of these lyrics; they’re not pathetic in the slightest. They don’t suck up to an uninterested woman, they don’t end with someone breaking down in tears, and I’m not even convinced they’re being sung to a woman. What the hell is going on here? Maybe this is the difference between Yacht Rock and Mellow Gold: Yacht Rock is all about the smooth, but not necessarily about the wussy, and vice versa for Mellow Gold. I must be reading too much into this, but at this very moment, Pablo Cruise is making me question everything I know about music.

Hang on…I think I have it! Pablo Cruise were mellow mentors. You see, they were smooth cats who had been around the block, and their purpose was to help guide other wusses. Think about it: when Dan Hill is crying over the loss of his woman, Pablo Cruise is are is there, reassuring him that “love will find a way.” When Paul Davis is mistakenly believing that his cool night’s going to find him love, The Cruise is are is there to ask him, “whatcha gonna do when she says goodbye?” The late ’70s and early ’80s wimps owe their gratitude to Pablo Cruise. They’re like the senior class of Mellow Gold: they’ve been there, done that, have the tear-soaked hankie. They’re going to help the freshman class realize that the mellow lifestyle could very easily lead to heartbreak. Pablo Cruise, we are in your debt!

Of course, Pablo Cruise very quickly became the kids that graduated, but still hung around in the parking lot. Sure, after the success of Worlds Away, Pablo Cruise released a few more successful albums, featuring singles such as “I Want You Tonight” (also mellow!), “Slip Away,” and others that I’m sure you’ll mention in the comments. However, they also adapted their sound to fit in with the disco trend, a move that disappointed many of their fans. As new wave took over the early ’80s, Pablo Cruise just couldn’t fit in, and in 1985, they finally threw in the mellow towel.

Don’t be too sad, friends: for starters, we can take comfort in the way that The Cruise smoothly rocked their audiences back in ‘78.

And not only that, in 2004, three of the original members reunited, and you can still find them touring today! (Well, not today. Today, they’re probably working their day jobs.) But you can find out all the information you need by heading over to the official Pablo Cruise website, with exciting features such as:

- Photos from the Alameda County Fair!

- Illiterate discography! (”Love Will Find Away” and my personal favorite, “Your Out To Loose.”)

- Unexplainable, underwater-ish sound clip!

- Merchandise! This is all well and good, but this is the shirt I want, and it’s not for sale. I don’t care that a girl’s wearing it; I would TOTALLY wear a yellow shirt with the Pablo Cruise logo on it.

And that brings us to the end of another week of Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold! Stay gentle and see you next time!

Hi everyone! Listen, I get it: I need to listen to ELO. Thanks for all the tips - and for enduring last week’s suckfest of Olivia and Cliff. I think this week’s a little better, but I’ll let you be the judge, as we dive into this week’s edition of Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

Pure Prairie League - Let Me Love You Tonight (download)

Remember “Let Me Love You Tonight?” I don’t think it’s ever been suggested by anybody, and I certainly wouldn’t have thought of it off the top of my head - but one day, it just magically appeared on my iPod, and from the second it began, I knew we had a Mellow gem on our hands. But first, the questions on everyone’s mind:

1) Who were The Pure Prairie League?
2) What were their dreams and ambitions?
3) Is Jefito back yet?
4) This sucks. (Not technically a question, but you can’t deny it’s on your mind.)

If you want quick answers so you can go about your day, here you go: 1) A bunch of putzes with guitars, 2) to get laid, 3) no, and why does everybody keep asking me this, and 4) I agree, and I’m the one writing it. But you might as well stick around, since I’m going to write about Pure Prairie League whether you like it or not.

Here at ATTMOMG (first time I’ve acronym-ed that, y’all), we often mourn the loss of the good ol’ days, back when relations between artists and record labels were based on more than just the bottom line. Pure Prairie League is another band that reminds us of a sweeter time; “Let Me Love You Tonight,” the band’s most successful hit, was on their ninth record. The band formed in Ohio in 1969, and, after building a strong following in bars around the Columbus area, were signed to RCA Records a year later. Now, I’m not saying that the record execs were saints; they gave PPL a fightin’ chance, but after two albums and nary a success on the charts, the group was dropped by their label.

Other bands might have quit while they were behind, but Pure Prairie League went back to basics, and continued to perform constantly wherever they could land gigs, usually in the Midwest. Their dedication paid off: after two years of constant touring and promotion, radio stations went back to album #2, Bustin’ Out, and began playing a track entitled “Amie.”

A quick word about this song: while “Let Me Love You Tonight” was certainly the band’s most successful hit, it’s probably not their best-known; “Amie” gets that honor. This tune, despite being primarily acoustic and full of delicious backing vocals, is not Mellow Gold, so we can’t cover it here. However, the song is fantastic that I think it’d be a crime to deprive people of it.

Pure Prairie League - Amie (bonus download)

Pretty tune, right? Plenty of people felt the same way - enough, in fact, that RCA re-signed Pure Prairie League. They re-released Bustin’ Out, which hit the Top 40 and went gold, and “Amie,” which also made the Top 40. (Never mind that the song’s lead singer, Craig Fuller, was no longer in the band - a long story that involves some dubious claims in order to avoid going to Vietnam.)

The success was short-lived, however, and it wasn’t long before Pure Prairie League were once again wondering if they were going to be able to make it through the lows, not to mention the oft-shifting band personnel.

Enter this guy.

Doesn’t look familiar? How about now:

Still no? What’s wrong with you people?

I’m guessing not a lot of people know what Vince Gill looks like, ’cause when I searched for his image, I found a whole bunch with his name included. But anyway, Gill showed up at Pure Prairie League auditions in 1978. He wasn’t planning on trying out - he had just shown up with a friend - but he wound up jamming, and the chemistry was…well, I guess it was good enough to join Pure Prairie League, whatever that’s worth, I dunno.

PPL with Vince Gill. Five guys, five shitty haircuts.
Dr. Hook could only hope to look so good.

With Gill on lead vocals, the stage was set for mellow goodness. However, before the magic happened, the band had one more task to complete: another unsuccessful album. (One would argue that the group was on a roll.) This time, they left RCA for good. And oddly enough, you know who picked them up? Casablanca Records. Yup, home of Donna Summer and The Village People. I mean, yeah, PPL wore lame outfits and had no taste in barbers, but still, did they deserve to be put on the same level as The Village People?

Anyway, Casablanca was where they released album #9, Firin’ Up. And finally - FINALLY! - we get to talk about “Let Me Love You Tonight.” First, you’ve got your title. Mellow is the band that essentially asks permission before loving. We’re not even talking about knocking boots, here. We’re talking about cuddling. C’mon, guys, even Dr. Hook’s looking more manly than you! One has to wonder who rejected the original title, “Um, Pardon Me For Interrupting Your Lunch, But If You’re Not Terribly Busy Later On, Perhaps I Could, Oh, I Don’t Know, Love You Tonight, Pretty Please?” The rest of the lyrics are pretty damn simplistic. The band realized that the chorus, with its Eagles-esque harmonies, was the best part of the song; if they had their way, chances are this number would consist of “let me love you tonight” over and over again. But you have to have verses, and so I guess the tactic was to just write whatever rhymed until we heard that music chorus again. They even wrote a bridge.

When the moon has forgotten what the night’s about
And the stars can’t work their places out
Hold me tighter than tight
When the daylight comes, it’ll be all right

What the fuck is he talking about? I’ve seen refrigerator poetry better than this crap. And yet, he’s asking the woman to hold him. This just in: Vince Gill has no nads.

So you’ve got your mellow lyrics. You’ve got your mellow harmonies. You’ve also got a sweet bassline and lots of piano. But what’s the mellowest of the mellow on this song? The saxophone! Oh god, the saxophone. It’s pissing all over this track. I actually listened, and there are only 19 consecutive seconds of saxophone-free music. Who the hell can’t put down the sax for more than 20 goddamn seconds?

Curses! It’s David Sanborn! I should have known! You know, earlier in his career, Sanborn was playing with Stevie Wonder, David Bowie, and the Rolling Stones. Later on, he fell into a dark life of smooth jazz. Could it be? Could the smooth stylings of Vince Gill, Pure Prairie League and “Let Me Love You Tonight” have led Sanborn down this tragic road? We may never know, but I’m going to blame them anyway.

In all seriousness, “Let Me Love You Tonight” is perfect Mellow Gold. It’s short, it’s sweet, it’s rather wimpy both in musicality and sentiment, and it has way too much saxophone. What more could you want?

Gill left Pure Prairie League after - you guessed it - another unsuccessful album, which seemed just as well, as Casablanca Records bit the dust. Pure Prairie League essentially split up in 1987, but have reformed in recent years. In fact, if you really want, you can see them with a number of other MG bands: Poco, Firefall, and even Orleans! Just check their tour page and take your pick of venues: state fairs, aboretums, bars or even Renaissance Festivals. Pure Prairie League are still out there for your mellow pleasure.

Enjoy the two PPL tracks and we’ll see you next week for another Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

We’ve covered the men. We’ve covered the women. We’ve even covered a few people who run somewhere in the middle. But we have yet to cover the male-female Mellow Duet - and that’s what we’re going to tackle on this week’s Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

Olivia Newton-John and Cliff Richard - Suddenly (download)

Hey, where’s everybody goin’?

Listen, before you start unplugging the computer from the wall, remember this: I can’t promise you amazing songs every week. Hell, I can’t even promise you mediocre songs weekly. Mellow Gold is like sticking a hot poker in your eye: even when it’s good, it’s still pretty bad. For every “Smoke From A Distant Fire,” you have an “I’ve Never Been To Me,” and for every “Moonlight Feels Right,” you have a “Suddenly.” Take your Mellow Gold lumps like a true wuss, wouldja?

Besides, I had to cover this song. It was on my iPod (I swear, I have no idea how it got there!), and as it finished…I played it again. And again. And again. I’m not saying that “Suddenly” is a good song, by any means. Something just attracts me to it. It’s a car-accident song, without a doubt.

So let’s talk a bit about our two equally smooth singers, although I don’t really need to say much, do I? Olivia Newton-John: huge celebrity, both as an actress and a singer. In 1980, she was still glowing from the massive success of Grease. Cliff Richard: immensely successful artist in the UK, moderately successful artist in the US. In 1980, Cliff was enjoying a resurgence on the UK charts after a number of years where he focused on gospel music. Americans probably don’t know that Cliff Richard has had more #1 hits in the UK, other than Elvis Presley and The Beatles. This guy was big (and still does pretty well, but that’s another story).

In 1980, Olivia Newton-John starred in Xanadu.

I’m really not going to say much about Xanadu. I’ll leave that to you in the comments, if you like. For starters, I haven’t seen it. Enough people have told me about it that I’m pretty sure I don’t need it entering my brain. Plus, I saw Two Of A Kind a number of times, and that was pretty much enough for cruddy Olivia Newton-John movies. Suffice it to say that the movie is that of legend, now; a colossal box-office failure and a waste of Gene Kelly that has now somehow not only become a cult favorite, but will appear on Broadway sometime this year.

The soundtrack, however, was a different matter: Xanadu, The Not-As-Shitty-As-The-Movie Soundtrack reached #4 and scored five Top 20 hits. The soundtrack, conceptually, was interesting: side A belonged to Olivia, and side B belonged to Electric Light Orchestra. (Wha?) Granted, I know about as much about ELO as I know about Xanadu, so again, my comments section is always open for tangential discussion. The soundtrack included our Mellow hit, as well as the title track and Magic, a #1 single.

“Suddenly” was written by John Farrar, who was Olivia’s longtime musical partner, doing much of the writing and producing for her big hits, including “You’re The One That I Want,” “Hopelessly Devoted To You,” and yes - “Have You Never Been Mellow” (which some might suggest is a better choice, but shit, I’ve written this much and can’t stop now). Farrar also knew Cliff Richard, having not only been a backng guitarist and vocalist for the singer, but was also a member of Cliff’s former group, The Shadows.

As for Cliff and Olivia, their connection dated back to the early ’70s when she regularly appeared on his variety show; as a matter of fact, Cliff’s first duet with a woman was with Olivia, in their 1972 telefilm The Case. “Suddenly” was their first charting duet together, and the lowest of the charting tracks from Xanadu. It only made it to #20, but it did reach #4 on AC. And AC, friends, is where Mellow Gold lies.

So have you listened to “Suddenly” lately, and if so, have you wondered if maybe Farrar had a crush on the Gibb brothers? “Suddenly” is, essentially, another Top 20 hit for the Bee Gees. Think about it. Actually, no, don’t think about it. Listen to it. Doesn’t Cliff Richard sound like a Gibb, especially that low, breathy vocal in the beginning of the song? Those gentle acoustic guitars playing through some weird effects pedal, the gentle keyboard and synth strings…has anybody called Barry about a lawsuit?

It’s true that I love me some Gibb, and for a while, I was thinking that maybe this was the reason I was so drawn to this number. But upon further reflection (and why anybody would spend this much time on anything from Olivia Newton-John is beyond me), I know what it is.

Suddenly, the wheels are in motion
And I-ah-ah-HA-ha
I’m ready to sail any ocean
Suddenly I don’t need the answers
‘Cause I-ah-ah-HA-ha
I’m ready to take all my chances with yooooou

There is something so guilty-pleasure awesome about the way Cliff and Olivia made a conscious choice to completely obliterate the word “I,” and the way they go all staccato on the penultimate syllable. I feel like a complete idiot for spending this much time on this one line (which, by the way, took me five minutes to spell). But it’s clearly the focus of the entire song. If you were to try and describe “Suddenly” to someone, what part would you sing? At what point would they go, “Oh! I know what you’re talking about, and I don’t think we can be friends anymore”? It’s right here! The breathy part! Here at the corner of Gibb and Vagina!

So it’s all because of that one part that I listen to this song over and over again. I sing it, too. Out loud. Both parts. I take turns. Sometimes I feel more like Cliff than Olivia. Sometimes, it’s the other way around, and then I go searching for the outfit she’s wearing in the above photo. Have I-ah-ah-HA-ha said too much?

The only thing better/worse/better again than listening to “Suddenly” is watching it. This is my favorite version, from some German “Hooray For Hollywood” TV special. I always think it’s going to turn into a porno, and it doesn’t, which is disappointing.

Then there’s this version, an awkward roller-skating scene from the movie which, oddly, kinda makes me want to see the whole film. Olivia reportedly fractured her tailbone during the filming of this number.

If you really like the song and want to hear it with a full orchestra (oh, the majesty!):

And finally, this one makes me laugh, mainly just because Cliff Richard is such a dramatic tool, especially when he’s lip-syncing.

And there you have it. Way too much space devoted to a mediocre song that I can’t turn off. Hopefully it does the same for you. And if not, there’s always next week! See you soon for another Adventure through the Mines Of Mellow Gold!

Let’s give ourselves a pat on the back, folks - we all made it to Charlene and back with the most of our dignity intact - and hopefully, without any venereal diseases to show for it!

And, you know, we’re not the only ones with a soft spot for Charlene. Mike pointed out this AP article about Shrek The Third. Notably:

Regis Philbin joins the voice cast as Mabel, another ugly stepsister, while Captain Hook, seen briefly singing a Tom Waits song in “Shrek 2,” advances to a speaking role, with vocals by Ian McShane. There are hordes of others, from palace flunkies to medieval Valley Girls to a Wicked Witch singing Charlene’s sappy 1980s hit “I’ve Never Been to Me” as a torch song.

So remember, everybody: when Charlene makes her big 2007 comeback, we ripped her apart first! But now, it’s time to get back to a song that is definitely a strong - and in my mind, obvious - candidate for Adventures Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

Climax Blues Band - I Love You (download)

Originally formed in 1968 as the Climax Chicago Blues Band, they dropped the “Chicago” in 1970 so as not to not be confused with, um, Chicago. Which seems weird to me. I can’t imagine anybody coming across an ad for “Climax Chicago Blues Band” and think, “awesome, I love Chicago!,” getting there and going, “wait a minute - where the fuck is Cetera? BOOOO!” No, if anything, I’d think the reason for getting rid of “Chicago” would have been the fact that all members of the band were FROM ENGLAND. And what kind of name is “Climax Blues Band,” anyway? Clearly these guys weren’t concerned with getting laid.

Either way, the band was definitely well-versed in the blues; the AMG states that their early work was reminiscent of John Mayall. (I can neither confirm nor deny, as I don’t give a shit.) The band toured and recorded constantly, releasing a staggering eight albums before finally finding chart success with “Couldn’t Get It Right,” from 1976’s Gold Plated. “Couldn’t Get It Right” was the band’s biggest hit, climbing to #3 in 1977. However, in my mind, their best song was this Mellow Gold classic. (I can neither confirm nor deny whether or not I’ve heard any other Climax Blues Band songs.) The song was written by the band’s guitarist (and eventual bassist) Derek Holt, and sung by him as well. We’ll talk more about Holt in a minute, but first, let’s look at what’s so gloriously Mellow about “I Love You.”

What’s not to love about this song? It’s gentle, it’s pretty, and of course, it’s smooth. Listen to those opening keyboards, fluttering in and out of the right and left speakers, only accompanied by the light bass drum and cymbal. Before you know it, these guys have a nice lil’ groove going. And the chorus? Just beautiful. Nice chord choices, with terrific backing vocals and harmonies. The string section is a great touch - never too obtrusive, especially over the simple lead guitar solo.

Lyrically, the song’s not trying to impress anybody. It’s as simple as the title; just a sweet declaration of love. Of course, I love that opening lyric: “when I was a younger man, I hadn’t a care; foolin’ around, hittin’ the town, growin’ my hair.” Something about that third example has always struck me as lame. Growing your hair is a really passive activity. And the other great lyric is found at the end of the same verse: “oooh babe, you got what it takes, so I made you my wife.” Inconsistent tenses aside, this is a terrific lyric. Why? Well, I’m sure Holt wasn’t thinking it at the time, but hello wedding classic! Do those DJs have to pay royalties? If so, Derek Holt is ridin’ high.

The lyrical sentiment of the song, coupled with the gentle music, are perfect Mellow Gold. No talk about sex in a Chevy Van, no Ambrosia-esque seduction, and no Dan Hill weeping: just love, love, love. I mean, listen to those lyrics: he was a freakin’ drunk, she found him, and they went for a walk! That’s it! I mean, I really don’t believe that anything else happened! And after all of this, what does he do? He thanks her for being a friend! (I can neither confirm nor deny a direct Andrew Gold/Derek Holt correlation, to answer your next question.) You can take that Mellow to the bank, baby.

And that’s really all I have to say about the song from the musical/lyrical standpoint. It’s just a simple, pretty, smooth song. Not much snark, I know, but what can I tell you. It’s a great song. I mean, who doesn’t love this song?

Oh, wait. I know who doesn’t love this song: CLIMAX BLUES BAND.

Plenty of bands have sacrificed a portion of their original sound/vibe and headed towards a smoother, pop-friendlier tone. I’m not saying it was always a deliberate move, but it’s happened. My favorite example, of course, is Styx, who had their biggest hit with 1979’s “Babe,” a song that Tommy Shaw has probably hated every single day of his baby-faced life. However, all these years, Shaw accepted it and dealt with being Dennis DeYoung’s bitch, forced to sing backup on it for every concert with the original group. You might imagine that the guys in Climax Blues Band, all rockers, felt the same way about “I Love You.” And you’d be right.

Holt had written the song all on his own, and had recorded a full demo as well to present to the band. The band heard the song and instantly rejected it, as it was pretty much against anything and everything Climax Blues Band stood for. The band had hired producer John Ryan to work with them on their upcoming album, Flying The Flag, and after hearing the songs they were prepared to record, asked the band if they had any other tracks lying around. Holt pulled out “I Love You.” The rest of the band rolled their eyes, and promptly shit their pants when Ryan declared it would be a smash hit.

Well, you gotta hand it to those guys for sticking to their roots, and their guns: they told Holt to go fuck himself. They literally refused to play on the recording. The version that you’re hearing consists of Holt, drummer John Cuffley and, oddly enough, famous session pianist Nicky Hopkins. Holt played the guitar, the bass, and sang all the backing vocals. The guitar solo was written, note-for-note, by Holt, who somehow convinced/forced guitarist Peter John Haycock to commit it to record. Lead singer Colin Cooper was nowhere to be found.

Ryan then added those pretty strings to the record, at which point the other members of Climax Blues Band must have been searching for painless ways to kill either themselves or Holt. And if you thought that this created an uncomfortable situation for the band, you can imagine how things went down when the Warner Bros. execs showed up and ecstatically went apeshit for “I Love You.”

The song, much to the band’s chagrin, was another huge hit (and their first in four years), reaching #12 and becoming a radio favorite. Warner Bros., of course, wanted the band to go out and promote the single. Too bad, so sad: the rest of the band refused to ever play it live. I mean it. EVER. They never once played it in concert. The band would have preferred to remain a one-hit wonder of sorts than back Holt on his pansy-ass tune. And when you think about it, you have to give them credit for at least staying true to what they believed was the true Climax Blues Band sound.

Clearly an event like this caused plenty of bad blood within the band, and a year later, Holt decided to leave and form his own band, Grand Alliance. Who can blame him? It’s hard to say whether his presence was missed, as Climax Blues Band was a revolving door in terms of members, anyway. After five drummers, five keyboardists, four bassists and three guitarists over their career, the only constant has been Cooper on vocals.

If you’re interested in more information on the band, check out their official website, although it hasn’t been updated in a couple of years. However, it’s there that you’ll find their boast about being included in the Guinness’ Who’s Who Of The Blues, although it hasn’t been confirmed whether this is the same as those targeted letters you received during your junior year about being included in Who’s Who Of College Students. You’ll also find a nifty history page where the current members pretend to give a shit about former members. All we know about Derek Holt is that he “runs a pub in Stafford, where he plays two nights a week.” And remember poor Peter John Haycock, the reluctant soloist on “I Love You?” Here’s what we get about him:

The band refuses to comment on events surrounding Pete’s departure at the end of 1984, with the view that websites are no place to get involved in personal differences.

This is kind of like taking the high road, but not really. I was really hoping they would have included, right afterwards, “but Pete’s a cock.”

And with that, I bid you a fond, mellow farewell for this week - see you next week for another Adventure Through The Mines Of Mellow Gold!

You guys, I’m a bad blogger. I haven’t really posted much in a while. I know you’re all perfectly nice people, and you can probably forgive me for that. But I don’t know if you can forgive me for being a mean blogger.

You see, I’ve worked so hard to gain your