Jason: Well, here we are. The final day of Mellowmas. We hope you’ve been enjoying every single day up to today.

Jeff: Why the hell should they get to enjoy it?

Jason: Schadenfreude!

Jeff: I want everyone to suffer like me.

Jason: I think they’re really going to like today’s track. I know I love it. Mainly because I can’t really believe it exists.

Jeff: Did Richard Marx finally make a Christmas song?

Jason: Richard Marx already made a Christmas song, asshole.

Jeff: “Hazard at Christmas”?

Jason: Don’t bring Richard into this, asshole. I don’t go asking you when Joe Henry’s going to make a Christmas album, do I?

Jeff: You said you love it. I immeidately thought of Richard Marx.

Jason: Ha ha, you made a typo.

Jeff: Mellowmas makes me dumber. Hold on, I’m sending Joe Henry an email and asking him when he’s going to record a Christmas album.

Jason: I love this song because I think it brings low standards to a new high.

Jeff: I’m sure that statement was a thousand times more poetic than anything we’re about to hear.

Jason: Why don’t you tell the good people what you uncovered?

Jeff: Well, you see, the thing is Maurice Starr. Does everyone remember Maurice Starr? He was a guy who kind of fucked up the radio all through the mid-to-late ’80s, thanks to his “discoveries” of New Edition and New Kids on the Block.

Jason: He was the biggest musical Svengali since Colonel Tom Parker, really.

Jeff: But making lightning strike twice wasn’t enough for Colonel Maurice Tom Starr!

HE’S BACK.

With a new crew.

Recording urban sounds on the pop tip!

And as always, they’re too young to give Mister Maurice any lip!

They’re called…the HeartBeat Boys.

Jason: And they’re HORRIBLE!

Jeff: Make sure you capitalize the B in HeartBeat, or Maurice will sue your ass.

Jason: But it’s not just that they’re horrible. It’s that clearly Maurice has no money, no influence, and no creativity left.

Jeff: All true. Aside from being no fun to listen to, the HeartBeat Boys are actually pretty sad.

Jason: And he also doesn’t realize that the boy band days are over. For now, anyway. The whole project just reeks of wanting to make a quick dollar and not doing any real work behind it.

Jeff: Fortunately for Mellowmas, Maurice Starr still has enough money lying around to make a video.

Jason: Yes. Just barely enough.

Jeff: And he still understands the value of a cheap-sounding holiday song. He also understands tagwords, because the description of this video is as follows: “Maurice Starr Presentation, New Kids On The Block, New Edition, Back Street Boys, N sync, Justin Bieber.”

Jason: Readers, this is one you need to watch. You can’t just listen. Because it’s bad if you’re just listening, but TURRIBLE if you’re watching.

Jeff: I have my eggnog ready and my shotgun in my mouth. Shall we?

Jason: We shall. Readers, if you can pop out this video and watch/read at the same time, it’s highly suggested.

Jeff: And by “suggested,” we mean “not recommended if you know what’s good for you.”

Jeff: This is the worst thing ever. I want that kid to fall on the pencil.

Why do we have CPS if they aren’t going to put a stop to this?

Jason: Okay, here’s my first favorite part: The blond haired kid licks his lips every time they show him at the microphone, making it clear that he’s not even trying to lip sync.

Jeff: God, just look at those little bastards during the group mic shots.

Jason: So clearly one of the kids can actually sing. But the rest can’t sing AT ALL.

Jeff: Which one can dance?

Jason: Oh, none of them.

Jeff: Which one is Joey?

Jason: They let that one goon-ish looking kid sing TWO words in every chorus! Because he clearly can’t sing!

Jeff: Hey, is that Dustin Diamond?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Oh, spoken word.

Jason: It’s like magic! In the air!

Jeff: That line made me hurt.

Jason: Oh look! Their families are politely watching them IN A FUCKING LIVING ROOM.

Jeff: This camera work!

Jason: What’s up with the little kid with the mohawk? He got one line: “Wow!”

There is SO MUCH WRONG with this.

Jeff: What’s up with the kid who’s barely moving his lips? Oh wait, that’s almost the whole group.

Jason: It’s unbelievable how much is wrong with it. They were basically told just to snap their fingers the entire song.

Jeff: I feel bad making fun of this, because I’m pretty sure someone’s pinning their hopes for a mortgage payment on it.

Jason: Like that’s enough to make it compelling.

Jeff: Plus, the HeartBeat Boys have their own media center. What have we ever done?

They’re making a movie. And a basketball comeback!

Jason: I remember you said there was another HeartBeat Boys Christmas video on YouTube. Was it “HeartBeat Boys Christmas Video 2007″ ?

Jeff: Who can forget that classic carol?

Jason: Guess what? COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SET OF KIDS

Jeff: Bwahahahaha! Damn, Maurice, what happened to you?

Jason: This is the epitome of lazy.

The kids need singing lessons. They need acting lessons. Two of them need to be fired on account of looking scary.

Maurice, he will not pay for any of these.

Jeff: Oooh, I just had a great idea!

Jason: Uh oh.

Jeff: It’s a great idea.

Jason: I repeat: Uh oh.

Jeff: I think we can finally do something constructive with your youthful appearance. Do you know where I’m going with this?

Jason: My youthful appearance was a long time ago. I have a baby due in two months. My hair is already turning grey.

Jeff: Then there’s no time to waste.

Jason: sigh No, where are you going with this?

Jeff: You need to call the number on the HeartBeat Boys Media Center and AUDITION FOR THE HEARTBEAT BOYS.

DO IT DO IT DO IT

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: You’re comfortable in front of the camera! You can snap your fingers, right?

Jason: Wait, are they looking for members or does it just say to call that number?

Jeff: Who cares?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! Okay, I’m calling it now.

Jeff: If you’re going to work for Maurice Starr, you need to stop asking so many questions.

Jason: IT’S NOT EVEN A TOLL-FREE NUMBER.

Jeff: You’re lucky it isn’t a 900 number!

Jason: It’s ringing!

Please, Maurice Starr, pick up.

Jeff: (sleepy voice) “I told you I got the rent.”

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: I’m so excited that you’re calling the HeartBeat Boys. This is going to be so great.

Jason: YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW

I AM SPEAKING TO MAURICE STARR

I AM NOT JOKING

Jeff: Oh my God I can’t breathe

five minutes of silence pass.

Jason: I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH MAURICE STARR

I should have taped it!

I had no idea he was going to pick up!

Oh, I should have prepared better.

Jeff: I haven’t laughed this hard in years!

Jason: I swear to you. I just spoke to Maurice Starr.

Jeff: Tears are streaming down my fucking face right now.

Jason: I told him I wanted to audition.

He asked how old I was.

I told him I was 15.

Jeff: My stomach hurts so bad

Jason: He asked me to sing for him.

I SANG THE FUCKING SONG WE JUST PLAYED.

Jeff: I might die

Jason: He said I had a good voice!

Jeff: You do!

Jason: I asked who I was speaking to.

He said “You’re speaking to the General.”

And I said “Maurice Starr?”

And he said “Yes, sir.”

He said “You’re calling from New York? That’s a little far away. I’m in Florida.”

Jeff: I’m helpless with laughter. I can barely type.

Jason: And I said “Oh, I thought you were still in Boston.”

“No, I retired from Boston, moved down to Florida.”

I said, “I guess I would have to talk to my parents. Can I call you back?”

Jeff: Well, I guess we need to buy you and your parents plane tickets!

Jason: And he said “Well, we’re not looking for anybody really right now. But just keep in touch.”

And then I got off the phone because I was legitimately freaked out that this conversation just happened.

Jeff: Jason, I really think we might have just broken Mellowmas. There’s nowhere to go from here.

Jason: And I am also legitimately freaked out that he might read this conversation one day. And might still have my number in his cell phone. Obviously he knew I was from New York.

Jeff: Nah. Maurice Starr is on dial-up.

Jason: Jeff, you should have heard me SINGING THE SONG.

I should have taped it. I figured it would be an answering machine!

Jeff: I should have heard the whole thing!

Jason: And you know me. I immediately felt bad about the whole thing.

Jeff: No, no, don’t feel bad. This is amazing. Next, we have to have Wing call the General.

Jason: But I just CALLED MAURICE STARR.

I forgot to tell you the best part.

Jeff: I think this is all the best part.

Jason: So I sang the song, and I stopped after a second, and said “That’s all I got. It’s still early in the morning.” And he said, “It doesn’t matter, if you can sing, you can sing. Like…” AND THEN HE SANG A BUNCH OF NOTES.

And he said “See? And I don’t even sing.”

And that’s when I said “Wow, who am I speaking with?”

Jeff: I can’t believe what just happened here.

Jason: …I can’t either. I’m kind of shell-shocked.

Jeff: You should feel nothing but pride. That was amazing.

Jason: I’m actually speechless.

Jeff: Well, folks, I don’t know where we can go from here. And I’m pretty sure Jason’s going to need some warm milk and a nap.

Jason: I sang that Christmas song. I didn’t even know the words!

Jeff: Don’t get me started again! I just got my breath back!

Jason: He was like “Let’s hear what you got.” And I went, “Um…um…um…Cheers, everybody is here…it’s that time of the year…(mumble mumble)…tell everybody it’s Christmas!”

Jeff: C’mon, buddy. Let’s go sit down in front of the Yule Log for awhile. Everything is going to be back to normal tomorrow.

Jason: So readers, you have to know that I just called Jeff and we cried on the phone together.

Jeff: We had a moment.

Jason: I apologize to all of you for not taping it. I just had no idea Maurice Starr would be picking up the phone.

Jeff: On behalf of everyone who’s ever read a Mellowmas post, I forgive you.

Jason: That was true Mellowmas magic.

Jeff: I hope you all enjoyed this half as much as I did. I need to go wash the dried tears of helpless laughter off my face. Oh God.

Jason: And I just feel awful for inadvertently punking Maurice Starr. I WASN’T PREPARED.

Jeff: I’m sure the members of New Edition and NKOTB would tell you not to feel bad. And then they’d ask you to call their 900 number.

Jason: Oh, man. whew

Jeff: Where can Mellowmas possibly go from here?

Jason: Depends on whether I join Maurice Starr’s next boy band.

Jeff: Fingers crossed!

Jeff: Well, well, well.

Mellowmas Eve.

Jason: ohthankgod

Jeff: It’s the most special night of the year!

A crackling fire…a plate of cookies for Santa and his elves…and only two more songs to get through.

Jason: I’m raising my glass of non-alcoholic eggnog to you, sir.

Jeff: Hey, just curious — is that a plastic tumbler you’re drinking out of? Like, it isn’t actual glass, right?

Jason: My mom says only big boys get to use glasses.

Jeff: Okay, good. Because you may want to throw something when I tell you what’s on tap for today.

Jason: concerned stare

Jeff: Well, it’s like this.

Jason: That’s never a good way to start explaining yourself.

Jeff: We cover a lot of songs every year, and I think you and I both try and make a concerted effort to avoid repeating ourselves too often.

Jason: That’s true.

Jeff: So when I started thinking about what we should cover this Mellowmas Eve, my thoughts turned to genres, artists, and topics we either hadn’t covered in awhile or had never covered before.

Jason: I didn’t know there were any left, but okay.

Jeff: Well, one of the first things I realized was that it’s been years — years! — since we listened to a Kwanzaa song.

Jason: That’s right! That was what, 2007?

Jeff: …And another one of the first things I realized was that we’ve never, ever listened to a song by Dr. Elmo.

Jason: You make it sound like there’s more than one.

Jeff: Perhaps you’re thinking “There’s no way in hell the ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’ guy recorded a Kwanzaa song.” I can understand why you’d think that. Everyone should think that, starting with Dr. Elmo.

Jason: I’m actually thinking, “There’s no way in hell the ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’ guy recorded anything else at all.” But are you serious? A KWANZAA song?

Jeff: Yes, Jason. It’s from one of Dr. Elmo’s ELEVEN GODDAMN ALBUMS.

Jason: I admit to not doing much research on Dr. Elmo. But isn’t he….an old white guy?

Jeff:  He’s a 75-year-old veterinarian.

Jason: Seriously? I avoid that song like the plague every year.

Jeff: Most recently, Dr. Elmo released Dr. Elmo Bluegrass Christmas.

Jason: NO.

Jeff: Yes. But good news: today’s track is not from that album. It’s from 2005′s Grandma Got Remixed by a Reindeer.

Jason: Grandma Got WHAT?

Oh no.

Was this done by Rappy McRapperson?

Jeff: You might as well go ahead and throw that plastic cup now.

Jason: Actually, I just asked my mom where we keep the brandy.

Jeff: Under ‘References’ on Dr. Elmo’s Wikipedia page, there’s a link that says “‘Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer’ singer is sued.” Reading that made me happier than I can explain.

Did I mention Dr. Elmo is a multimillionaire? And that he’s played with the Roots?

Jason: I believe the multimillionaire part. You’re just making up the part about the Roots.

Jeff: It’s all true. Look at his fucking face.

Second news item on his site: “Grandma on your iPhone? Yep, there’s App for that!” Truth and beauty are an illusion, Jason.

Jason: I don’t know what to think.

Jeff: I think we’ve reached a low enough point to listen to Dr. Elmo’s “Night Before Kwanzaa.”

Jason: I don’t think this is a good idea, Jeff. Actually, I know this is not a good idea, Jeff. I feel like nothing good can come of this.

Jeff: I’m not disputing anything you’re saying.

And yet.

Jason: sigh

Jeff: Are you ready for some really bad shit to happen?

Jason: Hang on, I need to say goodbye to any chance of getting presents this year. I feel like they’re all going to be returned between now and tomorrow morning.

Jeff: Oh, look, it’s another link: “Visit Dr. Elmo’s YouTube Channel”

Jason: No thank you.

Jeff: “A one-page PDF with pictures and facts regarding ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.’” JASON THIS MAN IS A MEDIA KINGPIN

Jason: This is worse than the time you disappeared into Dolly’s website.

Jeff: Dr. Elmo could buy us and have us spayed.

Nothing about the world makes sense.

Hold on, I’m buying you a copy of Dr. Elmo Halloween.

Jason: JEFF DON’T

Let’s just do this. I still have presents to wrap.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m punching myself about the head and neck.

Okay, now I’m ready. Beaten physically and emotionally.

Jason: sigh

Jeff: Let’s hear what happened to Dr. Elmo on the night before Kwanzaa.

Jason: I still think this is a terrible idea. For the record.

Dr. Elmo, “The Night Before Kwanzaa” (download)

Jeff: What?

Who was that?

What’s happening here?

This does not sound like the Dr. Elmo I’ve strenuously avoided all these…oh, there he is.

Jason, I’m in pain. So far, he’s rapped “hood,” “Gucci,” and “Yanni.”

Jason: Are we in Bel-Air?

Jeff: Oh no!

Jason: “Two loves of white bread on a shelf of whole wheat…”

Wait.

Jeff: He’s rapping about homicide!

Jason: Is he saying black people are whole wheat?

Jeff: DARKER COMPLEXION JASON HE JUST RAPPED DARKER COMPLEXION

Jason: I….can’t.

Jeff: “Yo, got a problem?”

Wait, was he just kidnapped by a man in a full-length fur coat?

Jason: I wish you could see my face right now. This guy should run for the Republican nomination.

Jeff: Oh, but wait, here’s the heartwarming final verse. Complete with what sounded like Dr. Elmo’s version of a brief tribal Kwanzaa chant.

Oh no.

Jason: My mouth is wide open.

Jeff: Now he’s rapping “black” names.

Vittles! He fucking said vittles! AND HOMIES

Jason: speechless

WHAT THE HELL

Jeff: That was amazing.

Jason: I think that might be the most racist thing I have ever heard.

Jeff: I don’t know why, but I’m stunned that it exists. My wife was silent throughout the song, and when it ended, she said only “that’s horrible.”

Jason: So this track is about how he met some black people, he was visibly afraid he was going to get killed, but instead he was surprised to be invited to a Kwanzaa celebration?

Jeff: That’s exactly what this song is about.

Jason: I am ashamed. I am ashamed for Dr. Elmo.

Jeff: He and his wife were at home, minding their own business, when a black man in a full-length fur coat came and took them to the hood. And he fed them vittles and introduced them to his family, and when it was over they were all homies.

I kind of think this is Glenn Beck’s idea of how racial harmony happens.

Jason: Oh look, Santa just gave me the finger and left with my presents.

Jeff: I was going to make a joke about that possibly being Dr. Elmo’s fur-coated Kwanzaa Man, but I’m too sad.

Jason: Who told Dr. Elmo this was a good idea?

Jeff: The animals?

Jason: He must live in an all-white town. But I’m not going to his website to find out.

Jeff: Dr. Elmo lives in Novato. It’s a small California town. And yes, as of the 2010 census, it’s 76 percent white.

Jason: hangs head in shame

What’s even worse is that YOU bought this track. You gave Dr. Elmo 99 cents.

Jeff: In my exteremely limited defense, once I saw the words “Dr. Elmo” and “Kwanzaa,” I assumed it would be perfect for Mellowmas — and casting aside the awful music and worse lyrics, it kind of is.

Jason: I can’t imagine a single listener feels good right now.

Jeff: I mean, what’s more Mellowmas than an old man desperately clinging to his little bit of fame by regurgitating old ideas for the holidays?

Jason: I don’t know, but I can get Lifton on the phone to find out.

Jeff: ZING!

Jason: Well, folks. There you have it.

Jeff: Yeah, um…there it is.

It’s Dr. Elmo.

Jason: Not much else to say, is there?

Jeff: Words fail me, old friend.

Jason: I feel empty inside.

Sad.

Ashamed.

Regretful.

Jeff: It’s always darkest before the Mellowmas dawn, Jason. I sense redemption on the horizon.

Jason: This is the part where the entire Peanuts cast comes out and yells, “HAPPY MELLOWMAS EVE, JASON HARE!” And then Bob Dylan’s version of “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing” plays?

Jeff: Except Charles Schulz is dead and DR. ELMO IS STILL MAKING RECORDS.

Jason: There is no God.

There is no Santa.

There is only Mellowmas.

Jeff: This is our “Han Solo in carbonite” moment, folks. Tomorrow: Ewoks.

Jason: I have to go to sleep now. I’m going to pull the covers up over my head and hope against all hopes that something awesome happens tomorrow.

Jeff: Ooh, that makes me wonder if the Ewoks ever recorded a Christmas album.

Jason: GOODNIGHT JEFF

Jason: Y’know, Jeff, a lot of people have helped us make Mellowmas happen.

Jeff: Oh, are we going to start blaming people now?

Jason: I’m not talking about the awful artists. I’m talking about the awful readers.

Jeff: Yes! A good old-fashioned Mellowmas shaming.

Jason: First, I’d like to thank Mr. Jeffrey Thames. This man has sent us more crap in the past two weeks than maybe anyone. Medsker is a close second.

Jeff: That’s definitely true about Medsker. I’ve developed a nervous tic when I see his name in my inbox.

Jason: Back in November, Mr. Thames sent us a link to this post on Regretsy.

Jeff: DO NOT CLICK ON THAT LINK, EVERYONE

IT WILL TAKE YOU TO THE BAD PLACE

Jason: There are lots of awful things in there. I listened to a few.

But one name stood out to me as being kind of perfect for this holiday: Davy Jones.

Jeff: Davy Jones!

Jason: I was a HUGE Monkees fan when I was a kid.

Jeff: You couldn’t have picked Jay Leno or Slim Sphincter?

Jason: The Monkees were my second concert — Weird Al opened. It was awesome.

Jeff: I had no idea Weird Al toured with the Monkees, but that’s kind of perfect. Has Weird Al ever parodied a Monkees song?

Jason: It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized that all of the Monkees are dicks.

Jeff: Is it all of them? I thought Marty Ross was a nice guy.

Jason: No, real Monkees. Jeff. Not fake Monkees.

Jeff: Is there a difference? At least the fake Monkees don’t have to deal with Mike Nesmith quitting all the time. That seems like a plus. On the other hand, the real Monkees get to have Ami Dolenz hanging around.

Jason: Isn’t Ami Dolenz like 50 now?

Jeff: In my mind, Ami Dolenz stopped aging sometime around 1989.

I wish you’d dug up an Ami Dolenz song, Jason.

Jason: I’m sure Micky has recorded some Christmas music. But thanks to Jeffrey’s link, I stumbled down the Monkee Hole and found this.

Jeff: shriek That cover artwork! Oh my God!

Wait, wasn’t Christmas Jones the name of the character that Denise Richards played on that one Bond movie?

Jason: This album was recorded in 1976 in Hawaii.

Jeff: Now I’m imagining this whole alternate scenario where a confused Davy Jones imagines himself a spy.

Jason: And it’s apparently been reissued many times, but now it comes under the name Christmas Jones, which just makes no sense. Why would you pick a name for your album that’s NOT YOUR OWN when NOBODY IS REALLY LOOKING FOR YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE?

Jeff: On the Bandcamp page, it’s described as “ever-popular.”

Hey, it was remastered in 2009 by Scott Francis! Do you think he’s related to Genie Francis?

Jason: Argh, why can’t I remember the names of her brothers? I love those guys!

Jeff: This album leads off with the wonderfully named “When I Look Back on Christmas (Rare Long Version).”

Jason: Davy is no stranger to shitty album covers.

Jeff: Davy Jones LIVE!!! From the Shitter

Jason: I didn’t listen to all the tracks on the Christmas Jones album, but I think I found a good one.

Jeff: You do not.

Jason: And by “good,” I mean…well, you know what I mean.

Jeff: Exactly.

Jason: EVERYBODY knows what I mean.

Jeff: Except Davy Jones! Wacka wacka!

Davy Jones, “Silent Night” (download)

Jeff: Whoa.

Jason: Warbly!

Jeff: And very, very ’70s.

Oh,  I do wish he hadn’t started singing.

Jason: This is what happens when you “remaster” from the one remaining copy of the record.

Breathy! Vibrato-y!

Jeff: I really kind of like this, without the vocals.

Jason: Davy-y!

Sleee-eee-p in hea-aaa-venly pee-ee-eeace!

Jeff: You know how you move your head around to try and see the screen when a tall person sits in front of you at the movies? That’s what I’m doing to try and ignore Davy’s voice right now.

Jason: It has an odd country twang to it. I can’t figure out why.

THEY WERE IN HAWAII.

Jeff: Alternately, I’m imagining that Davy’s singing like this because he’s been locked outside and is freezing to death in the snow.

Jason: Wait, the best part is coming up.

And now, ladies and gentlemen…

Jeff: While wearing an ill-fitting nutcracker’s unifo…oh, no.

Jason: DAVY JONES RECITES THE TEN COMMANDMENTS!

IN A RANDOM ORDER!

Jeff: I’m squirming in my seat.

Why why why why why why why

Jason: He just said “Thou shalt not kill” in the middle of SILENT NIGHT!

Jeff: And “thou shalt not commit adultery”!

Jason: …and back to “Silent Night!” I LOVE IT!

Jeff: This is fucking AWFUL.

Jason: Someone thought it’d be a good idea for DAVY JONES to lecture his 145 remaining fans in 1976!

He also skipped like five commandments.

Sleee-eeeep in heaa-aaaaaa-venly peeee-eeee-eeeeace!

Jeff: I like how he ended with his version of a bass note. That’s Davy’s Big Boy voice.

Jason: And if you listen closely, you can hear the oh-so-warbly final keyboard note.

Jeff: Why would anyone listen closely?

Jason: Why would anyone do 25 days of Mellowmas? See what a stupid question that was?

Jeff: Are you asking me to get you a Davy Jones Fan Club membership for Christmas?

Jason: JEFF DON’T

Jeff: You can be a Davy Devotee!

Jason: If you do that, I’ll retaliate by enrolling you in the Peter Tork Fan Club. And you KNOW that fan club is way worse than Davy’s.

Jeff: I think you become president by default, don’t you?

Jason: The membership card smells like mothballs.

Jeff: Davy Jones has a blog on his website. Without looking, I want you to try and guess what it’s called.

Jason: “The Daily Davy.”

Jeff: That is incorrect.

The answer, my friend, is “Keep Up with the Joneses.”

Jason: stares blankly at screen

Jeff: Hey, you look like Davy on his homepage!

Jason: You son of a bitch.

Jeff: leprechaun dance

Jeff: We’re in the home stretch, Jason!

Mellowmas morn is only a few days away.

Jason: I don’t think I’m going to make it.

Jeff: You say that every year, starting in June.

Jason: And every year, right around this time, I feel like my ears are going to fall off.

BUT THEY DON’T.

Jeff: What’s harder, Mellowmas or doing a triathlon? You’re the only person I know who’s done both.

Jason: That’s easy. Mellowmas. I wonder what would happen if I did my next triathlon while listening to Mellowmas tracks?

Anyway, here’s the real problem. December 25th finally comes, right? It’s a great day. It’s Christmas. There’s family, there’s presents, there’s my beloved Yule Log, and most of all, it means that MELLOWMAS IS OVER.

But then.

The 25th passes, and things are quiet for a few days.

And my doorbell rings.

And it’s the mailman.

And he has a package for me.

Jeff: Ho, ho, ho!

Jason: “Oh, awesome, a belated Christmas present!” I say to myself.

AND IT’S ALWAYS FROM YOU.

AND IT’S ALWAYS MORE MELLOWMAS.

Jeff: You’re welcome!

Jason: Sometimes I get REAL lucky and it’s a one-two punch.

Kind of like this year’s Bieber/Carole.

Last year, I remember it clearly.

Two CDs.

Tommy James was one.

Jeff: And what was the other one? Tell us.

Jason: Donnie Iris. And the Cruisers, too.

Jeff: Ah! Donnie Iris!

As Popdose readers with sharp memories may recall, we’ve actually run a guide to Donnie Iris.

DX Ferris, the author of our webcomic Suburban Metal Dad, is a huge fan.

Jason Hare, the inventor of Mellowmas, is most likely not.

Jason: …we ran a guide to Donnie Iris?

Jeff: We totally did!

Jason: Wait, I have another question, actually.

Who is Donnie Iris?

Jeff: Given what a chart nerd you are, I’m surprised you don’t know.

Jason: The man has never had a top 10 hit.

Jeff: Donnie Iris is the esteemed owner of three Top 40 singles!

“Ah! Leah!” “Love Is Like a Rock,” and “My Girl.”

Jason: “Ah! Leah” sounds familiar.

But only vaguely. I really don’t remember this at all.

Jeff: Me either. But we’ve apparently been missing out, because Donnie Iris and/or the Cruisers have been recording steadily since the early ’80s.

Jason: I’m guessing “Ah! Leah” must be his most popular, because his Christmas album is called Ah! Lelujiah!

Jeff: And his live album is called Ah! Live!

GET IT

IT SOUNDS LIKE “ALIVE”

Jason: …I don’t get it.

I’m considering writing a response track called “Ah! Go Away!”

Jeff: I’m pretty sure I know what we’re going to get with this. Christmas albums with ha-ha-clever titles are almost never fun.

Jason: I was considering writing a song called “Ah! Fuck You Donnie Iris!” but it’s hard to rhyme.

Jeff: Hey, you’ve done six years of Mellowmas AND multiple triathlons. I bet you could make it work.

And I also bet you’ll have a reason to try after we listen to today’s track.

Jason: I’ve listened to this already. As Largely Invisible Editor at Popdose — or as I like to call myself, Andrew Ridgeley — I am contractually obligated to listen to all the shit you send me.

Jeff: I love your contract.

Jason: Let’s start with some overly processed vocals, shall we?

Jeff: Nothing says “Mellowmas” like overly processed vocals. I’m ready!

Donnie Iris and the Cruisers, “Angels We Have Heard on High” (download)

Jeff: Wait a minute.

Jason: Wha?

Jeff: This is almost six minutes long, Jason.

I think you sent me a corrupted file.

It certainly SOUNDS corrupted.

Jason: Shh, you’re spoiling the surprise for our readers.

Jeff: I think it was accidentally slowed down and stepped on.

Why does it sound like this?

What happened?

Jason: You mean his vocal? I have a theory: His voice sucks.

Jeff: The miles of harmonies on the chorus are nice, though.

Or nice in comparison to the verses, anyway.

Jason: In this part, yes. Before, they sounded disjointed.

Jeff: I don’t like this, Jason.

AND WE HAVE LIKE FOUR MINUTES LEFT.

Jason: I don’t either. And I’m confused. Is Donnie Iris like a metal guy or something? He doesn’t look metal.

Jeff: When he was popular, he was popular on the rock charts. So…maybe?

Setting the vocals aside for a moment, why would anyone record a six-minute version of “Angels We Have Heard on High”?

Jason: He kind of looks like a hipper version of Eugene Levy.

Jeff: Ha! You’re right!

Oh, I sense a big guitar solo coming.

Jason: If Eugene Levy slept with Disco Stu from the Simpsons, this is what their kid would look like.

Jeff: I sensed incorrectly.

Jason: I think that’s a keyboard.

Jeff: Or maybe that’s Donnie Iris singing.

Jason: Oooh, angry chorus!

Jeff: Damn, he doesn’t want this song to end, does he?

Jason: He’s the only one!

And does this sound like 2010 to you? It doesn’t to me.

Jeez, it’s all over the freakin’ place.

Jeff: This sounds like something from the soundtrack of a Michael Bay action thriller about Christmas.

Jason: Still like 30 seconds left!

It just doesn’t end!

Jeff: This is like the Mellowmas equivalent of the time I saw Blues Traveler in concert.

Jason: FINALLY.

Jeff: Ah! It ended!

Jason: So I don’t know. It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t enjoyable either. It certainly isn’t something I’d listen to again. And by “again,” I mean “for a fourth time, I hate you, Giles.”

Jeff: So can we try and imagine a set of circumstances that would lead to someone wanting to play this? Would anyone listen to this while, like, decorating their tree? Or while hosting a holiday party?

Jason: Right! And if you look at the cover, it doesn’t look like you’re getting angry-ish over-processed vocals.

It looks like you’re getting something gentle. Plaintive.

Jeff: Right, it looks like something you’d find in a Target display.

Jason: Something that will make you sick and die if you ingest it.

Jeff: YES. A Donnie Iris Christmas: Poisonous Like Mistletoe.

Jason: There’s gotta be something a little less processed on this album.

Jeff: You think?

Jason: Ah! “O Come All Ye Faithful.”

Jeff: Is it half an hour long?

Jason: 2:31!

Jeff: Perfect! I’m in.

Jason: Ah! Brevity!

Donnie Iris and the Cruisers, “O Come All Ye Faithful” (download)

Jeff: This is more like it.

Jason: See? Already it’s quieter.

It’s gentle.

Jeff: This song sounds like Donnie Iris looks.

Jason: AGH!

Jeff: O come all ye frayed vocal cords!

Jason: I think we figured out why his vocals were processed. Ha! He has the choir sing the really high notes!

Jeff: I think this is what Jon Bon Jovi sounds like when he wakes up.

Jason: Please go for the gold, Donnie!

YES!

HE DID!

Jeff: Ah! Froggy!

Jason: I mean, he didn’t WIN the gold, but he went for it!

He won, like, a bag of crap.

Jeff: I tense up every time I feel a high note coming.

Jason: My guess is that while the choir is singing, he’s looking at his engineer apologetically.

“I’m sorry, I just…I can’t.”

Jeff: I think it might be the other way around.

Jason: And the engineer is giving him the signal: “Just keep going, we only have this studio ’til 3. It’s okay, Donnie. We’ll fix it in post.” Then Donnie calls up the engineer and tells him he can’t pay him until February.

And that’s the story of how we got this track.

Jeff: Oh boy. It sounds like he died on that last note.

Hold on, I’m looking to make sure Donnie Iris is still alive.

Donnie Iris is 68. whew

After verifying that he was still living, I glanced down at the first line in his Wikipedia bio:

“Donnie learned how to sing from his mother and then from Tony Bennett and Marvin Gaye, and was also a self-taught guitarist, starting at about age 15.”

Jason: “King Cool Light (Donnie’s beer) was released in Ohio in July. Donnie says ‘Youngstown is really good to me, they buy the beer, and come to the concerts. I’m glad I’ve had this experience.’”

Jeff: So much sadness to spread around in here. Like a thick Mellowmas paste.

Jason: Wait, I have one more piece of sadness for you. This is going to completely break everyone who’s reading this.

“Now a grandfather, Iris is still making music, and has unreleased material he hopes to make available. He currently works for a mortgage company in Wexford, PA.”

Jeff: I’m frowning.

Jason: over-processed six-minute sad trombone

Jason:When was the last time we covered a purely instrumental track, do you remember?

Jeff: I don’t, but I think we should keep going. Let’s see how long we can go without covering one.

Jason: Oh, I disagree.

Jeff: Also, I swear to God, if you found another Singing Saw record I’m going to gut you like a fish.

Jason: Here’s what I remember.

2007: Disco.

Jeff: Yes, which was awful.

Jason: 2008: Singing saw.

…and that’s all I remember.

Jeff: WHICH IS MORE THAN ENOUGH, THANK YOU.

Jason: I could be wrong, but this would mean that we haven’t covered an instrumental for Mellowmas in three years.

Jeff: Let’s make it six! Or sixteen!

Jason: And these posts have a theme, have you noticed?

Jeff: Yes, and I’ve been pointing it out repeatedly.

Jason: Finally, I get to do the leprechaun dance.

Jeff: shakes fist; steam comes out of ears

All right, you ass. What horrible instrumental do you have in store for us today?

Jason: Well, first, a little backstory.

Jeff: I hate it when there’s backstory.

Jason: We have parties at my apartment from time to time. Birthdays, holidays, that kind of thing. There’s often a point where I feel like it’s time for everybody to get out so I can go to sleep. It used to be around 3 or 4 AM, but I’m old now, so it’s usually around 2 AM.

Jeff: When I didn’t have kids and could throw parties, there was a guy I’d always invite for that purpose. He’d just pull his pants down and run around.

Jason: The first few parties we had, people just weren’t leaving. Then, at one party, just for fun, I put on “Hotel California” — but not by the Eagles. By the Moog Cookbook.

Jeff: Moog! The synth whose name doesn’t sound the way it looks!

Jason: And suddenly, everyone was like, “Wow, it’s getting late, I should get going…” And I realized something: Moog makes people head for the hills. Or at least the streets of Queens.

Jeff: It’s the second-most evil synthesizer. After the Theremin.

Jason: So…

In that spirit…

dramatic pause

I present to you a gem from 1969.

Jeff: We already did Mellowmas of ’69!

Jason: The Moog Machine: Christmas Becomes Electric.

Jeff: This is not real.

Jason: Oh, yes it is.

Jeff: Fuck you. THIS IS NOT REAL.

Jason: leprechaun dance

Jeff: But I don’t want to listen to Moog Christmas music!

Jason: I don’t want to listen to ANYTHING you send me! Sit the fuck down and queue up the track I have chosen.

Jeff: “O Holy Night.” How deeply ironic.

Jason: leprechaun dance

Jeff: Get it all out, you bastard. I will have my revenge.

The Moog Machine, “O Holy Night” (download)

Jeff: Are we watching a PBS science documentary from the ’70s?

Jason: wahwahwahwahwahwah

Jeff: I feel like Carl Sagan should start talkin…oh wait, there’s the melody.

Jason: It’s almost singing saw-ish! Two wahwahwahwahwahwahs!

Jeff: Not coincidentally, I’m almost sick!

Jason: Four synths playing now! FIVE!

Do you like it? Say you like it.

Jeff: I WILL NEVER SAY I LIKE IT

Jason: la la la la la la la

Jeff: All this needs is Vanessa Carlton.

Jason: I think there’s like six keyboards now!

Jeff: This has been the longest minute and 50 seconds I can remember spending.

Jason: Waaaaah on your waaaaaaaah

Jeff: I fall on my knees!

Jason: And waaaaaaaaaah the angel wahhhhhhhhhhh

Jeff: I hear the synths’ voices!

Jason: oh, wahhhhhhhhhh

Jeff: O night divine!

Jason: when waaaaah was waaaaaaaaaaahhhhh

Jeff: The night when Jason gets hit by a train!

Well, UGH.

Jason: Oh, come on! It wasn’t that bad!

Jeff: Not compared to some of the other stuff we’ve listened to, or getting mugged. But was there anything remotedly Christmasy about it? No. No there was not.

Jason: What? The melody was all there!

Jeff: That isn’t the point and you know it!

Jason: So if I’m hearing you correctly, you feel like you want something more Christmasy in your Moog. Because I can make this happen.

Jeff: You are NOT hearing me correctly, and I want Moog OUT of my Christmas. “Moog” and “Christmas” are antonyms.

Jason: Huh. I think Gmail is trying to get your attention.

Jeff: You stupid dick. “The Moog Noel.”

Jason: PLAY IT

Jeff: At least this one is less than 90 seconds long. I’m strong enough!

The Moog Machine, “The First Noel” (download)

Jeff: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jason: The first waaaaaaahhhhh

Jeff: This sounds like a greeting card!

Jason: the waaaaaah did waaaaaaaahhhh

Jeff: Oh, I just got queasy. That shift, or whatever the hell happened a few seconds ago — I’d say it went out of tune, but that doesn’t seem appropriate.

Jason: There’s like a steel drum-y synth now! BORN IS THE WAAAAH OF IS-WAHHHHH-EL

Jeff: I feel like I’m trapped in a toy store after dark, and no one can hear me screaming for help.

Jason: Good. Now GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.

Jeff: The scary Poltergeist clown is choking me, Jason! I can’t breathe.

Waaaaaah waaaaah waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhggghghghh.

Jason: Yaaaaaay!

Jason: Well, Jeff, I think there’s one record this year everybody’s been waiting for us to cover for Mellowmas.

Jeff: Paul Simon Goes to the North Pole?

Jason: gasp DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!?

Jeff: I wish!

Jason: There’s nothing I love more than nebbishy little Jewish guys singing Christmas songs.

Jeff: We both love nebbishy little Jewish guys, it’s true. Hey, how do you feel about lanky recovering drug addicts?

Jason: Your mom’s okay with me as long as I keep her in one room.

Jeff: Is she lanky now? She must have started up on the P90X again.

Jason: I’m guessing you’re talking about Scott Weiland, though. Because that’s what I’m really talking about.

Jeff: I’ve tried to put this off as long as possible, but yes, I am talking about Scott Weiland.

Jason: I remember listening to him cover “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” a couple of years ago. I thought it was going to be terrible, but instead, it was pretty good.

Jeff: Well, it was certainly unexpected. Neither of us thought we’d hear Weiland going all crooner on us.

Jason: Well, here’s the thing. He was a little croon-y, but it seemed to fit his voice.

Jeff: I was kind of stunned. I mean, I’m generally stunned that Weiland is still alive and managing to find gainful employment, but this time I was stunned in kind of a good way.

Jason: Yeah, same here. It was pretty. It remains on my “good Christmas songs” list.

Jeff: And we’ve been waiting for it to finally make its way into the world so we could talk about how very non-Weilandy it is.

Jason: Well, if I recall correctly, this album has been on the “to be released” list for at least a year. I believe it was slated the 2010 holiday season.

Jeff: Oh, at least a year. I want to say it’s been hanging around on the schedule longer than that. But the point is that this has been a long time coming. It’s rare that a Mellowmas artist gives us this much advance warning. Usually, you just open your mailbox and scream.

Jason: And by “you,” you don’t mean the general “you.” You actually mean me.

Jeff: It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Jason: If I was next to you right now, I’d tackle you so you couldn’t do your stupid leprechaun dance. In any case, I’m actually quite optimistic about this release. If it continues in the vein of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” I’ll be quite happy.

Jeff: Ha! You said “vein.”

Jason: Maybe “vein” is a poor choice of word.

Jeff: It’s funny because he does drugs!

Jason: awkward throat-clearing

Jeff: So what are we going to listen to today? “Waiting for My Man for Christmas”? Oh, wait, no, that’ll end up on A Very Lou Reed Christmas in 2016.

Jason: You totally got me. I just went to see if that track was on the album.

Jeff: I wish he’d done that. That would have taken this record right off the Mellowmas list.

Jason: I heard they released a video for “Winter Wonderland.” Let’s listen to that track and see if it follows suit. I think it will. It’s a holiday classic!

Jeff: Um, what could go wrong?

Scott Weiland, “Winter Wonderland” (download)

Jeff: Oooh, horny!

Jason: What?

Jeff: I can’t believe this is really Weiland.

Jason: Wait a second. Wait.

This is not what I’m looking for.

This is NOT what I’m looking for.

Jeff: Are you referring to the fact that it sounds kind of like Weiland had a stroke?

Jason: Yeah. And he’s, like, faux-croony.

Jeff: Yeah, exactly. It’s hard to describe, but it sounds like he isn’t crooning so much as just fucking around.

Jason: This is a shame.

Jeff: “Old people are stupid and so is their music!”

Jason: I’m disappointed, but at least it has the obligatory “Winter Wonderland” key change.

Jeff: You know what? Nothing about this was obligatory. Perfunctory, more like.

Maybe that was a rehearsal take that ended up on the record by mistake?

Jason: There’s gotta be something better on here. What about “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”?

Jeff: Let’s give Weiland another shot. Sure.

Scott Weiland, “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” (download)

Jeff: Hey, strings!

Jason: Another classic opening! Wait, WHAT THE SHIT.

Jeff: This is definitely not right, Jason.

Jason: WHY?

Jeff: “Weiland Falls Asleep at Christmas.”

Jason: Is this at half-speed?

Jeff: This is definitely a joke.

Jason: This is bullshit. It’s obnoxious, too.

Jeff: I don’t care what anyone says, this is a joke. I only hope the people who played on it weren’t around when Weiland strolled in and tracked his half-assed vocals.

Jason: I was thinking the exact same thing. Because what a waste. The arrangement is so nice.

Jeff: The arrangement is fine, and the non-Weiland performances are solid. The production is clean. And then Weiland came in and shit all over it. This is the kind of thing I’d expect to hear on a Richard Cheese Christmas record.

Jason: Yes, exactly.

Something interesting happened just now: I found myself agreeing with the lead singer from Slipknot.

“I’ll give you another example. Does anyone know who Scott Weiland is? Do you know that Scott Weiland has a Christmas album now? Oh, it’s bad. It’s bad. Let me f—ing explain to you how bad it is. There is a video online of him singing, and he’s very serious. ‘Cause Christmas is serious. His hair is all slicked back and he’s in his f—ing s–-ty tuxedo.”

Taylor began his lifeless impression of Weiland’s take on ‘Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas’ which ended with him attempting to swallow the microphone mid-lyric. He then further explained his beef with Weiland:

“So, I’m watching this — painfully watching this, because hey, know your enemy — and I’m just like, ‘Why?’ It’s not that he’s a bad singer, ’cause he’s not. I love STP, I love some of the s–t that he did with Velvet Revolver. It’s not that he’s a bad f—ing singer. He’s a lazy piece of s–t, is what he is at this point.”

Jeff: Amen to you, Corey Taylor.

Jason: This is what Mellowmas has come to, Jeff. I AM SIDING WITH SLIPKNOT.

Jeff: Siding with Slipknot? I’m wishing we’d LISTENED to Slipknot today.

Note: I have never listened to Slipknot.

Jason: I can make that happen.

Corey Taylor – X-M@$ by Roadrunner Records

Jeff: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

Jason: It’s just Corey Taylor, but what the hell. Let’s listen. This day can’t get any worse, can it?

Jeff: You son of a bitch.

Jason: Ready?

Jeff: Aaaaghackcahckahahhl.

Jason: Go!

Jeff: RAAAAAAWK

Jason: Hey, he just made the same noise you did! And he said “balls”!

Jeff: This is already several thousand percent better than Weiland!

Jason: ….I kind of love it. This is awesome!

Jeff: JASON THIS IS MY CHRISTMAS THEME SONG

Jason: OH MY GOD YOU’RE RIGHT! clapping along

Jeff: Corey Taylor broke Mellowmas!

Jason: dancing in chair

Fa la la la la, go fuck yourself!

Jeff: Hold on, I’m buying this song, along with maybe everything Corey Taylor and Slipknot have ever done.

Jason: Uh, wait a second.

Wait, you know what? Don’t wait a second. Go for it.

Jeff: Don’t worry, I’ll send you copies too.

Jason: AHHH GODDAMMIT

Jeff: Well, Jason, we’re nearing the end of another Mellowmas. Only a few more days to go!

Jason: OHTHANKGOD

Jeff: We’ve heard so much this year.

Jason: I’ve already done my darndest to forget most of it.

Jeff: We found out about Norwegian country music.

Jason: And yet we didn’t find out what an Arne Benoni really is.

Jeff: We learned what a Mandisa is, though.

Jason: It got all up in my Figglehorn, if I recall correctly.

Jeff: It did, and it was painful. Oh, and we had more Dollytoe!

Jason: Yes, as a part of Scheffmas.

Jeff: What this Mellowmas has been suspiciously light on, however, is songs from artists whose last names could be first names.

Jason: Bryan Adams comes close!

Jeff: Close, but not quite! And I know you love music by artists whose last names could be first names. I mean, hey, Billy Joel. Also Lionel Richie!

Jason: Ah! You forgot one we did! Toby Keith! SUCK IT!

Jeff: Flippity flops CABO WABO!

Jason: But yes. You are right. And I know exactly where you’re going with this.

Jeff: You do?

Jason: Yes. Because it was either last year or the year before when a CD showed up in my mailbox.

Jeff: I’m leaning forward expectantly.

Jason: And it looked a little like this:

Jason: And I screamed, “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!”

Jeff: leprechaun dance

Jason: You and your goddamn leprechaun dance.

At the time, I believe Mellowmas was just about over, so I stashed the CD in a cabinet and forgot about it.
Which was awesome.

Jeff: Did you forget about it, only to rediscover it months later? Please say you did.

Jason: Unfortunately, I decided to clean the cabinet last month. glares YES, I FOUND IT.

Jeff: Oh, I love this story so much. I wish Jimmy Durante were here to narrate it.

Jason: And this is the worst part: It was like I was in a trance. I walked over to my computer with the CD and ripped it.

There was a part of me that was like, “What the hell are you doing?” but it was this teeny-tiny small part and I could barely hear it. There was a much louder voice yelling “RIP IT! RIIIIIP IIIIIIIIT!”

Jeff: That was my voice! It was me!

Jason: And that’s how Tommy James’ I Love Christmas ended up in my iTunes.

Jeff: wild applause That’s where it belongs. You can’t deny it. I mean, just look at that album cover.

Jason: It’s as if someone took a physical pair of scissors to the photo of him.

Jeff: I wish they’d kept going and given him a haircut. Jesus, Tommy James.

So what’s on this record, anyway? Do we get to hear “Crystal Blue Silent Night”?

Jason: I’ll be honest with you: I never made it past the first track.

Jeff: That’s impressive. You make it through everything!

Jason: According to the press release, it was played on over 3000 radio stations nationwide. And it was what inspired him to record the entire album.

Jeff: “*Nation of Kazakhstan”

Jason: And you’re right. I usually do make it through everything. I didn’t stop here because I was fed-up. I stopped here because I felt like there was just no need to go any further.

Jeff: Oh no. You mean…

Jason: It’s PERFECT. I think we’ve encountered a track like “I Love Christmas” before, Jeff.

Jeff: Did it end with me stabbing myself?

Jason: You know those ones where someone just looks up all the words related to “Christmas” and just chucks ‘em all into one song?

Jeff: Have you ever heard of Mellowmas?

Jason: Ha! Welcome to “I Love Christmas.”

Tommy James, “I Love Christmas” (download)

From I Love Christmas

Jeff: Ahhhh, shit. I can tell where this is going already.

Jason: Hey, there are the bells Vanessa Carlton was looking for!

Jeff: Aaaaand there are the fake bells.

Jason: Oh yeah! So synthy!

Jeff: Fake everything, actually.

Jason: Who records a beat like this in 2008?

Jeff: This was recorded in 2008?

Jason: That’s when the album was released. Not sure about the track itself, actually.

Jeff: I feel like Tommy James went on a bender in 1989, recorded this in a fit of black holiday hatred, and accidentally rediscovered it in 2008.

Jason: That’s totally plausible.

Jeff: Speaking of black holiday hatred, here’s me right now.

Jason: Hey, YOU sent it to ME, asshole!

Jeff: I had no idea.

Sax solo!

Jason: So pander-y! Ooh, let’s break it down right here.

Jeff: Synth wind!

Jason: So now he’s watching his own kids under the Christmas tree? How small are these kids?

Jeff: Oh, now he’s watching his own kids under the Christmas tree. I bet Kevin Cronin wishes he wrote this.

Jason: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!!!!

Jeff: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jason: OBLIGATORY GOSPEL SINGER!!!!

Jeff: That’s a Mellowmas cock punch right there. Screw you, Tommy James.

Jason: He mentioned “Christmas,” “the USA,” and “Jesus” in a FIVE-SECOND INTERVAL. That’s TALENT!

Jeff: Yeah, and he waited until halfway through the song! He starts off making you think he’s recording a Stephen Bishop B-side, and then he slips in the religious patriotic crap.

Jason: Wait, here comes the ending. Count how many other songs he throws in!

Four….
Five….
Six….
Seven! “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear” and it doesn’t even fit!

Jeff: NOTHING FITS

Jason: And a creepy “I love Christmas” whisper! Do you see why I stopped here?

Jeff: BEAUTY IS AN ILLUSION AND EVERYTHING IS AWFUL

Jason: These things continue to happen, Jeff, so long as your wife allows you access to a credit card. You have nobody to blame but yourself.

Jeff: You make a good argument, but I’m going to keep on blaming Tommy James. “Happy Birthday Jesus.” GOD.

Jason: That was the moment I knew we had to listen to this track together.

Jeff: What do you think the odds are that he wrote this song with a straight face?

Jason: Oh, I think they’re quite, quite high.

Jeff: I don’t know much about Tommy James, but I feel like any sane adult would know what a load of crap this is.

Jason: Well, happy birthday Jesus, everyone.

Jeff: I feel like we could have gotten Him a better gift, but, um, it’s Mellowmas. Ho, ho, ho?

Jason: Are your ears red right now? Because EVERYBODY ON THE INTERNET IS GLARING AT YOU.

Jeff: groan

Jason: What now?

Jeff: Nothing. Everything. I’ve reached the point of the season where I start having Mellowmas nightmares.

Jason: Welcome to the club! I had my first one in late August.

Jeff: I start dreaming that totally nonsensical artists have made Christmas albums. And then, of course, the worst part is that they all start coming true. A few years ago, I woke up screaming after having a nightmare about a Christmas song from Train.

Jason: And you reached for a Coca-Cola on the nightstand, only to find your worst fears had come to life.

Jeff: YES.

Jason: So clearly you have a nonsensical artist in mind. Let me see if I can guess. Three Doors Down?

Jeff: I think that already happened, didn’t it?

Jason: GODDAMMIT. Smash Mouth?

Jeff: I don’t remember who was singing in my nightmare. I only remember that she played piano and she sounded like a little girl. It was horrifying, Jason.

Jason: Okay, not Smash Mouth, then. Let’s see…piano, sounding like a little girl…isn’t that Regina Spektor?

Jeff: Blech. She already did it too. Remember?

Jason: How could I forget her heart-warming holiday ditty from last year?

Jeff: This girl was almost like Michelle Branch, only not as much.

Jason: Wait…almost like Michelle Branch…that can only mean one thing! It’s gotta be Vanessa Carlton. Because I can never tell the two of them apart.

Jeff: AAAAAHHHH! It was! It was Vanessa Carlton! She was singing about walking a thousand miles and pelting me with sleigh bells.

Jason: And lookee here, Jeff! Another nightmare come true!

Jeff: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jason: Hear the Bells, an all-new release for 2011!

Jeff: NOT THE BELLS, JASON

Jason: Featuring two Christmas covers, a Christmas original, and guess what the fourth track is? I’ll give you a hint: she had to put it on the album, or else nobody would buy it.

Jeff: “A Thousand Miles (Sleigh Bells Mix)”?

Jason: Close! “A Thousand Miles (Acoustic Version).” Which is good. Because the original version was pretty electric. I mean, who could forget that gritty guitar?

Jeff: Vanessa Carlton has pulled a Mardones at the ripe young age of…what is she, 15?

Jason: That’s ripe Mardones age!

Jeff: She has the singing voice of a precocious fetus.

Jason: Leave her alone, they say!

Jeff: Huh. Turns out she’s 31!

Jason: Is she the one who latched on to Stevie Nicks or is that Michelle Branch?

Jeff: Vanessa Carlton latched onto Stephan Jenkins of Third Eye Blind. Who would you rather latch onto — Stephan Jenkins or Stevie Nicks?

Jason: Oh god, Sophie’s choice right here. Okay, okay, hang on, let me think…okay, I think I’d say Stevie Nicks, because if I latched onto her, I’d stand a chance of meeting Lindsey Buckingham.

Jeff: Or Don Henley. NOT AS MUCH FUN.

Jason: Dammit. You’re right.

Jeff: If you latched onto Stephan Jenkins, you’d stand a chance of getting a behind-the-scenes look at the operations of many of our nation’s finer casinos, rib fests, and minor league ballparks.

Jason: Maybe I’d run into Jack Wagner. Okay, Jenkins it is. I can’t believe you convinced me to choose him over Nicks. You have masterful powers of persuasion.

Jeff: I just wish we were about to listen to a Jack Wagner Christmas song. Why did it have to be Vanessa Carlton?

Jason: Because Jack Wagner doesn’t need the money?

Jeff: Oooooh! Burrrrn. Jack Wagner is too busy touring with Rick Springfield on what I believe is being called the Yellow Rick Road Tour.

And just in case you think I’m making a really horrible joke, I’m not.

Jason: OH GOD MAKE IT STOP

Jeff: Good. Now YOU can have nightmares. Now I’m ready to listen to whatever the hell Vanessa Carlton has been up to.

Jason: Well, I say we go for the original track. Too many people cover “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” and I pretty much hate every single one.

Jeff: Good call. I don’t want to hear anyone cover that song. I mean, I don’t want to hear THIS, either, but…

Jason: FINALLY you understand how I feel about “Last Christmas.”

Well, who knows? Maybe Vanessa has given us a soon-to-be holiday classic. Maybe it’ll join the ranks of “All I Want For Christmas Is You.”

Jeff: covers mouth Bill Hader style

Vanessa Carlton, “Hear the Bells” (download)

From Hear the Bells

Jeff: Ominous!

Jason: What instrument is that? Never mind, I don’t care.

Jeff: It’s kind of like a more festive version of the theme from Jaws.

Jason: Oh, I can already tell this is going to be anything but joyous.

Jeff: Bleeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh. It’s “My First Tori Amos Song”! From Mattel.

Jason: Is she recording from inside a toilet bowl?

Jeff: Where are the bells, Vanessa? I only hear a guitar.

Jason: You know what this song could use? Some reverb.

“December, crossing arms in Chinatown as the wind starts to cut through”? What the shit?

Jeff: Something about poison and a stomachache?

Jason: “The poison’s running through you”?

Jeff: Witch doctor?

Jason: It’s Judy Collins for 2011!

Jeff: Yeah, really. What’s going on here? I feel like I missed something.

And still, no bells.

Jason: Right! And she keeps telling us to hear them.

Jeff: Maybe this MEANS something, MAN. Maybe it’s like a STATEMENT or something.

Or maybe I just hate it.

Jason: I know what it means! It means it’s going straight into my trash can!

Vanessa Carlton must be having a really bad life right now.

Jeff: Vanessa Carlton is having a fine life. I’m the one who’s in pain right now. More of this “hear the bells” shit. Now she’s just taunting us.

Jason: STOP TELLING ME TO HEAR THE BELLS VANESSA CARLTON

THERE ARE NO FUCKING BELLS

Jeff: Well. THAT was certainly the opposite of joyous.

Jason: Congratulations, Vanessa. You join the ranks of people who feel like they have to share their pissy Christmas mood with the world. You join Judy and Regina.

Jeff: Except Judy was really telling a story, and I think Regina is legitimately crazy.

Jason: I have taken to YouTube to see what the public thinks of this song: “This is her best album so far. AMAZING. 10/10 material”

Jeff: Oh dear.

Jason: “She was trying to re-create the echo effect that bells have in church towers in a city like London. I find it beautiful it’s pure music artistry! I think you need to listen to more music if you don’t like the audio effects, OBVIOUSLY SHE KNOWS WHAT AUDIO EFFECTS ARE SHE IS A MUSICIAN!”

“Vanessa herself has said this song is about a time when she was sick, both physically and not physically.”

Jeff: “It was today.”

How long before you think we see an “acoustic version” of “Hear the Bells”?

Jason: Y’know, I was just thinking, “I hope someone does this without all the crash cymbals.”

Jeff: Let us make a pact to not listen to any more Vanessa Carlton songs until she releases an acoustic “Hear the Bells.”

Or a duet with Benny Mardones.

Jason: Now THAT’S a deal!

Jeff: Happy Mellowmas, old friend!

Jason: Thanks, pal! You too!

Jeff: You know, at this point, without sounding too full of myself, I think I’d have to say that you and I have created one of the all-time great holiday combos.

We’re up there with Bowie and Bing. Kenny and Dolly.

Jason: I’ll agree with you. I look forward to our Mellowmas chats every year. Until we start doing them.

Jeff: Islands in the Mellowmas stream, that is what we are. And speaking of great holiday duets, that’s something we’ve sort of been short on this year, wouldn’t you say?

Jason: You know what? You’re right.

Jeff: Well.

Jason: Wait a minute. You have something up your sleeve, don’t you.

Oh, hang on, I have new e-mail.

“A Gift From Jeff.”

Jeff: Your favorite subject line!

Jason: “Message: CABO WABO CABO WABO CABO WABO CABO WABO”

I think I received this in error, Jeff. This was supposed to go to Matt Wardlaw, wasn’t it?

Jeff: There were plenty of errors along the way, but you receiving this was not a mistake.

Matt Wardlaw was probably in the studio when it was recorded, suckling a bottle of Mad Anthony’s Hot Sauce.

What we have here is a brand new holiday combo. Like tequila and light beer!

Jason: Sammy Hagar and…Richard Marx?

Jeff: In the red corner, weighing in at one hundred and Cabo Wabos, it’s Sammy Hagar!

In the other red corner, weighing in at a boot in your ass, it’s Toby Keith!

Llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllet’s get rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrready to rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrumble!

Jason: I don’t know, Jeff. I feel like Toby Keith is going to kick my ass if I make fun of him.

Jeff: Maybe Toby Keith should have thought about that before he recorded a Christmas duet with Sammy Hagar. There’s no way we can avoid covering this.

Jason: Not with a cover like this one, no.

Jeff: Besides, when David Lee Roth does a duet with Lee Greenwood, today’s chat will establish context.

Jason: throws up

Jeff: Where’s Santa going today, Jason?

Jason: sigh He’s going south, Jeff. Santa’s Going South.

Jeff: You bet he is.

Toby Keith & Sammy Hagar — Santa’s Going South (download)

Jason: Cute opening.

Jeff: Tasteful. I have a feeling that’s about to stop.

Jason: So far, I like this.

Jeff: Oh, it’s an old-fashioned line-swappin’ duet! Ain’t gonna be no white Christmas, Jason.

Jason: Well, now I see why Toby got top billing.

Jeff: Because he’s packing his tank tops, his board shorts and his flip-flops?

Jason: Wait a second. That was SAMMY SINGING THE WHOLE FIRST PART?

Jeff: I’m pretty sure that’s Sammy going “Woo!” and “yeah yeah yeah.”

Jason: Wait.

Jeff: Santa won’t be back ’til summer’s here?

Jason: Who sang the first part? I don’t hear anything that sounds anything like Sammy Hagar to me.

Jeff: Flippity flops!

Jason: YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME

Jeff: Santa’s going south for Christmas!

Jason: What the hell happened to Sammy Hagar’s voice, Jeff?

Jeff: He won’t be back ’til summer’s here!

Hey, someone just motorboated your mom!

How many board shorts is Toby Keith packing? Jesus.

Jason: Forget motorboating! WHERE THE FUCK IS SAMMY HAGAR? I don’t understand what’s going on.

Jeff: Oh, he’s in there. You need to listen to more Chickenfoot.

Jason: Where’s the guy who sang “Why Can’t This Be Love” and “Poundcake”?

Jeff: He ain’t coming back ’til summer’s here.

Jason: I admit I haven’t listened to a Sammy Hagar vocal since I saw him play an awful concert with Van Halen in its drunk, reincarnated form.

Jeff: Feliz Navidad!

Jason: Why are you ignoring me?

Jeff: Sammy makes me happy.

Jason: How do you know that was Sammy? Did I miss something? Did he have vocal surgery?

Jeff: I heard Sammy in there. Unless that was Toby. I’ve never listened to a Toby Keith song.

Jason: Toby had to be the one with the twang, right?

Jeff: Maybe? He was the one with the board shorts, I think.

Jason: So was that or was that not Sammy singing the opening part

Jeff: Also the flippity flops.

Jason: ?

Jeff: Sammy did the first line. Then Toby did the second one. After that, it was kind of a blur.

Jason: No.

Jeff: No?

Jason: Isn’t that all one person in the opening?

Jeff: I don’t think so. But that isn’t the point.

Jason: Where the hell is Wardlaw? He’d know. Doesn’t he have a Sammy Hagar singing electric toothbrush next to his Cabo Wabo nightstand lamp?

Jeff: The only thing that matters is that Santa’s going south, and we were here to hear about it first.

Jason: I don’t know what just happened. Also, from what I recall, it wasn’t bad.

Jeff: Pleasantly silly. Charming, one might say. The best part is that it made me want a beer.

Jason: Are we SURE this is Sammy Hagar? And what DOESN’T make you want a beer?

Jeff: Are we sure anyone is Sammy Hagar?

Maybe we’re all Sammy Hagar, Jason. Isn’t that the true message of the holiday season? Gary Cherone died for our sins, and Sammy is risen.

Jason: I think I’m actually going to go back to my Justin Bieber CD. I don’t know. I guess I was expecting the old Sammy Hagar, and instead I got…old Sammy Hagar.

Jeff: Fair enough. I’m going to go see if I own any board shorts and flippity-flops.

Jason: I feel like this whole day of Mellowmas was just an excuse for you to drink before 10 AM. Which is fine. Go have your Corona.

Jeff: Hallelujah!

Jason: I hope lime juice gets in your eye.

Jeff: CABO WABO CABO WABO CABO WABO CABO

Jason: GODDAMMIT!

Jeff: Something got you down, buddy? Something other than Mellowmas in general, I mean?

Jason: She & Him released a Christmas record.

Jeff: Oh, right. THAT shit. You know, I do not care for the Zooey Deschanel.

Jason: You know how iTunes, and digital music in general, has made it so we never have to delete anything? It can just languish in loneliness on our computers forever?

Jeff: I do! That’s how I have the complete works of Kansas!

Jason: The first She & Him album is one of the only ones I actually deleted from my hard drive.

Jeff: Which is why they’re perfect for Mellowmas.

Jason: I deleted it, then I emptied the Trash, then I used my Norton program to make sure it was completely wiped clear.

Jeff: Yeah, that one kind of made me mad too. I mean, she can sing, and M. Ward is certainly talented, but I can never stop myself from thinking that there are probably a thousand bands — in L.A. alone — that are doing stuff more interesting than She & Him.

Jason: I don’t mind her as an actress, and when she sings in movies, it doesn’t bother me. But that album just irritated me.

Jeff: It’s a shrug! The more people swoon over her “adorkability,” though, the more I sort of hate her.

Jason: Yes. And they all carry ukuleles.

Jeff: I tried watching her sitcom, but I couldn’t make it past the opening credit sequence where she does cute poses during the theme song. Also, that’s when I knew it would be a hit.

Jason: Does she carry a ukulele?

Jeff: I don’t remember. I think I was screaming.

Jason: Now, I do like the name of this record: A Very She & Him Christmas. I think every record in the world should be A Very (insert something here) Christmas.

Actually, I also like the idea of that being the literal title. “A Very (insert something here) Christmas.”

I haven’t listened to a single note of this record yet. But I already know i’m going to hate it.

Jeff: Yeah, I was just about to confess the same thing. I know it’s one of the big holiday releases this year, and as such I knew we’d have to cover it, but I just didn’t want to.

Jason: Let’s see…so many choices…

“Baby It’s Cold Outside.” Didn’t she already cover that with Leon Redbone?

Jeff: I don’t want to talk about that.

Jason: She did! Oh God, why do I know that. Like, why do I know it FROM MEMORY.

Jeff: Was it in Elf? It was probably in Elf.

Leon Redbone makes everything better. If he was the “Him” in “She & Him,” I’d buy all their records.

Jason: Let’s see what else is on here…”Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.” I bet that title is 100% false.

Jeff: I wish Metallica had collaborated with Leon Redbone instead of Lou Reed.

Jason: That would have been amazing. Now I’m imagining Leon Redbone and Charo.

Jeff: Leon Redbone should have taken the lead vocal position in Van Halen after Gary Cherone left.

Jason: Leon Redbone and Menudo.

Jeff: Skrillex should produce something by Leon Redbone.

Jason: Leon Redbone and Gwar.

Jeff: We’re sort of just stalling at this point, aren’t we? All right. I just splashed some cold water on my face. I’m ready for this.

Jason: How about “Little Saint Nick”? I love that song. The Beach Boys, the Muppets…great versions.

Jeff: Yeah, what could go wrong, RIGHT?

She & Him — Little Saint Nick (download)

From A Very She & Him Christmas

Jason: AHH MOTHERFUCKER UKULELES. It’s not even “Merry Christmas Santa,” it’s “Merry Christmas Saint Nick.” She couldn’t even look up the lyrics!

Jeff: I never knew Christmas music could be this twee. I want to make her eat coal.

Jason: Hey, what’s more irritating than one Zooey Deschanel vocal?

Jeff: A THOUSAND GODDAMN ZOOEY DESCHANEL VOCALS AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Jason: She makes nothing sound fun.

Jeff: She makes ukulele beatings sound fun.

Jason: Is there a music genre called “Wistful”? Because this belongs in it.

Jeff: No, this belongs in “Recorded in a Vintage Dress and Thick-Framed Glasses.”

Jason: I don’t think I have it in me to listen to another one.

Jeff: I wish I could really describe why she annoys me so much, because I feel like, on some level, I’m being unfair. But I can’t help it. Every time I listen to one of these songs, I dislike her more.

Jason: It’s your natural inclination to run away from anything deemed precious by hipsters.

Jeff: Her vocals always sound so…posed. You can picture her singing every single line as part of a Gap commercial.

Jason: Also, as my buddy Mike points out, the ukulele is now, like, the official instrument of Brooklyn.

Jeff: I don’t blame the ukulele for what happens in Brooklyn.

Jason: I remember when only decidedly uncool people were using that instrument. (Me.)

Jeff: You and Leon Redbone!

Jason: Thank you for mentioning him again. I’m going to go listen to him sing “Christmas Island.” I’ll feel better.

Jeff: Oh, I love “Christmas Island.”

Jason: I am SHOCKED that song isn’t on this She & Him record.

Given the mood of these vocals, I feel like every song should have the words “(Not Really)” added to the title.

Jeff: They did “Christmas Wish” instead. Wait, what is “Christmas Wish”?

Jason: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ASK THESE QUESTIONS

Jeff: Oh God, I think it might be an NRBQ song. Fuck you, She and Him! Fuck you for cursing me with conflicted emotions!

Jason: I listened to the first ten seconds. It was M. Ward singing.

Jeff: That sounds promising.

Jason: You can’t make me. It still sounds lonely and wistful. “Christmas Wish (Not Really)”

Jeff: But it’ll put a few cents in Joey Spampinato’s bank account.

Jason: Wait, is this really a cover of the NRBQ song?

Jeff: He’s the credited writer!

Jason: Ugh, fine. But I hate you.

She & Him — Christmas Wish (download)

From A Very She & Him Christmas

Jason: See? Wistful.

Jeff: Hold on, I’m getting my fedora and a bottle of craft beer.

Jason: This isn’t that bad.

Jeff: No, I don’t hate it at all.

Jason: The reverb annoys me.

Jeff: That’s the M. Ward sound. He always sounds like he recorded his vocals inside a giant garbage can on Mars.

Hey! There’s Zooey, out in the hallway!

Nice solo! I don’t mind this at all.

Jason: So is this good, or is it good compared to everything else we’ve heard? Because I think I like it too.

Jeff: Merry Christmas, Jason. It’s the time of the year when all good dreams come true.

Jason: I’m so confused right now.

Jeff: Here, put on this newsboy cap.

Jason: I feel like you spiked my eggnog.

Jeff: I did! With small-batch bourbon from Brooklyn.

Jason: …am I now a hipster? Wait, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?

Jeff: Hey, how about we get on the subway and find some performance art?

Jason: WHERE DID THESE GLASSES COME FROM?

Jeff: The pawn shop! I “upcycled” them! After we get back from the art exhibit, we can eat the salad that we urban forage on the way home.

Jason: WORST MELLOWMAS EVER