When I conceived this post, I had actually planned to broaden the category to “Demolition” so I could include classics like AC/DC’s “TNT” and the Talking Heads’ “Burning Down the House.”  The only two songs I knew of that were about wrecking balls were the ones by Neil Young and Creeper Lagoon.  I had stumbled across a few more – when I mentioned a “crowded field” last week I was aware of maybe five additional songs – but nothing had me prepared for the overwhelming number of songs musicians have recorded about this iconic piece of construction equipment. I mean, it’s not like the category was “love” or “war.”  So how many songs did I find?

Twenty-five songs.  TWENTY-FIVE SONGS!  And most of them are original songs.  And there’s plenty more that I found out about but I wasn’t able to track down the mp3’s.  There’s all kinds – some are indie tunes from recent years, there’s a few alt-country entries, there’s even one from a collection of National Socialist Black Metal bands (see if you can guess which one!  I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised…).  Since there’s so many songs, I’ve changed the voting a bit – you can vote for three different songs, and we’ll see who comes out on top.

Viva Voce – “Wrecking Ball”

Cranes and Crows – “Wrecking Ball”

Kate Schutt – “Wrecking Ball”

Mother Mother – “Wrecking Ball”

Creeper Lagoon – “Wrecking Ball”

Joachim Garraud – “Wrecking Ball”

Interpol – “Wrecking Ball”

Gary Allan – “Wrecking Ball”

Harvey Danger – “Wrecking Ball”

Talon – “Wrecking Ball”

Crooked Fingers – “Wrecking Ball”

Twinemen – “Wrecking Ball”

Nekromantix – “Struck by a Wrecking Ball”

Neil Young – “Wrecking Ball”

Spirit of the West – “The Wrecking Ball”

Gillian Welch (with Old Crow Medicine Show) – “Wrecking Ball”

Grace Slick – “Wrecking Ball”

Much the Same – “Wrecking Ball”

Beth Nielsen Chapman – “Heads Up for the Wrecking Ball”

H8MACHINE – “Wrecking Ball”

Davenport Cabinet – “Kiss of a Wrecking Ball”

Bud Light Real American Heroes – “Mr. Wrecking Ball Operator”

Vixen – “Wrecking Ball”

Crash Anthem – “Wrecking Ball”

Emmylou Harris – “Wrecking Ball” (cover)

—

—

Last week, Mark Knopfler and Dire Straits came from behind to finish with 44% of the votes, beating Buffalo Tom’s 33% and Metallica’s 22%.  Next week we’ll dip back into Delilah’s well as we tackle the subject of Biblical Wives. If there’s anything you’re absolutely dying to see included, leave a note in the comments.

What did it matter where you lay once you were dead? In a dirty sump or in a marble tower on top of a high hill? You were dead, you were sleeping the big sleep, you were not bothered by things like that. Oil and water were the same as wind and air to you. You just slept the big sleep, not caring about the nastiness of how you died or where you fell. Me, I was part of the nastiness now. Far more a part of it than Rusty Regan was. But the old man didn’t have to be. He could lie quiet in his canopied bed, with his bloodless hands folded on the sheet, waiting. His heart was a brief, uncertain murmur. His thoughts were as gray as ashes. And in a little while he too, like Rusty Regan, would be sleeping the big sleep.

On the way downtown I stopped at a bar and had a couple of double Scotches. They didn’t do me any good. All they did was make me think of Silver Wig, and I never saw her again.

- from The Big Sleep by Raymond Chandler

Dire Straits – “Fade to Black”

Metallica – “Fade to Black”

Buffalo Tom – “Taillights Fade”

Flotsam and Jetsam – “Fade to Black”

—
n

—

Last week, despite being born to lose, Social Distortion experienced a rare moment of triumph as “Bad Luck” took home 45% of the votes, almost doubling The Who’s second-place total of 24%.  Next week, we’re looking at a very crowded field as we match up songs about Wrecking Balls.  Join us!

Social Distortion – “Bad Luck”

Janet Jackson – “Black Cat”

Ying Yang Twins – “Salt Shaker”

Prince – “The Ladder”

The Who – “Smash the Mirror”

Rihanna – “Umbrella”

Say Hi – “We Lost the Albatross”

—

—

Last week Nada Surf was the most popular selection, as Sarah Sebestyen’s fans showed up en force to deliver her 49 percent of the vote — almost three times as many as anyone else. Join us again next week as we match up songs about Fading to Black.  Song suggestions for next week are welcome in the comments!

In the 1988 film Tapeheads, aspiring video jockeys Ivan (John Cusack) and Josh (Tim Robbins) put together a ludicrous first effort for record producer Mo Fuzz (Don Cornelius) that features a band called Cube Squared performing the Devo song “Baby Doll” as Ivan drenches them with colored paint and feathers.  “I can’t do anything with this,” Mo tells them after he watches it, “I need production value.”  As Ivan and Josh react with confusion over the concept of obtaining production value with no budget, Mo explains, “There’s only one thing that adds real production value … tits and ass.”

The combination of cheerleading and music videos seems like a match made in heaven.  Cheerleading has always featured a healthy dose of “tits and ass” as Mo puts it, and it’s evolved a long way from its early days of long-sleeved sweaters, pom-poms, and rhythmic chants.  High school and college cheerleading is a full-on gymnastics show, and most professional cheerleading groups have morphed into “dance squads” that don’t even pretend to lead cheers anymore.  And certainly more than a few music videos have taken advantage of this synergy to grab a few cheap glances.  But strangely enough, there are only a few music videos where cheerleaders truly dominate the stage.  Here are my top five favorites:

Toni Basil – “Hey Mickey”

Created at almost exactly a year after the launch of MTV, Toni Basil’s 1982 video for “Hey Mickey” is the sweet, doting grandmother of all cheerleading videos.  Caked in makeup with their arms hidden by fabric, the cheerleaders here aren’t sex objects but are actually a well-drilled team of dancers that help Toni Basil show off her talents as a dancer and a choreographer.  The LVH logo on Toni’s uniform in the video is a sentimental nod to “Las Vegas High,” but the essential innocence of the song and the choreography brings to mind Francine Pascal’s Sweet Valley High series of teen romances, which was launched just a year after “Mickey” was released.  Toni’s recent appearances as a guest judge on So You Think You Can Dance have been unintentionally hilarious, as she peppers the contestants with bizarre commentary and constantly uses the word “street” as an adjective, but her video for “Mickey” was a grand success, cementing itself in pop culture memory as the first true cheerleading video.

Nirvana – “Smells Like Teen Spirit”

Nirvana achieved an incredible breakthrough in 1991 with their video for “Smells Like Speen Spirit,” introducing grunge music and moshing to the suburbs and virtually changing the entire tone of MTV’s programming overnight.  The video’s director, Samuel Bayer, was reportedly chosen by the band because his test reel was so bad, and the ultimately basic nature of the production bears this out – and also accounts for the video’s charm.  The iconic opening shot of a single foot clad in a Converse All-Star sneaker tapping along to Kurt Cobain’s jangled riffs is only surpassed by the cheerleaders, dark-haired beauties adorned with red “anarchy” patches who half-heartedly try to inspire pep in the listless teens that fill the bleachers.  It’s not until the kids are released to rush the floor that the cheerleaders fulfill their true potential, throwing their heads back and raising their pom-poms to match the crowd’s intensity.

Nada Surf – “Popular”

Nada Surf gained instant popularity in 1996 with their video for “Popular,” which was their first single from their debut album High/Low.  It features a vampish teen (played by a very young Sarah Sebestyen, who these days is a country/blues singer in Nashville) skanking it up behind the back of her supposedly infallible quarterback boyfriend (played by a toothy Jason Priestley lookalike).  Matthew Caws’ increasingly frantic recitation of his dating advice to teens (cribbed from Gloria Winters’ 1964 book Penny’s Guide to Teen-Age Charm and Popularity) is the real hook for the song, but Sebestyen’s ponytail and seductive gazes at her oblivious boyfriend’s teammates (along with her willingness to follow through on her promises) are what really sells the video.

Ash – “Burn Baby Burn”

Even compared to other familiar songs from their catalogue like “Jack Names the Planets” and “Kung Fu,” Ash’s 2001 hit “Burn Baby Burn” has an incredibly high energy level.  Compared to Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” which closed its day of shooting with a near-riot from the extras, “Burn Baby Burn” was described by Ash as a particularly enjoyable video to shoot, and one of their favorites upon conclusion.  The cheerleaders featured here represent a new millenium of cheerleading, as hair is tossed, midriffs are bared, skimpier uniforms cling more tightly to more adult curves, and the pom-poms have practically disappeared.  Ash delivers a top-notch single, and in the process takes the sexualization of teenage cheerleaders to its logical conclusion.

Robbie Williams – “Radio”

And then former boy band sensation Robbie Williams takes it one step further.  The concept behind the video for “Radio” is relatively simple; an Antichrist cavorting with his minions.  But the video conception of the song, which would otherwise be forgotten as an unremarkable tack-on to a greatest hits compilation, is absolutely brilliant.  Robbie Williams, clad in a dapper white uniform, presides over a legion of cheerleaders as they toss each other through the air of a dimly lit warehouse decorated with inverted crosses.  The faceless cheerleaders, their identities obscured by black masks, appear to be little more than tattooed pieces of meat cavorting for their dark lord’s pleasure.   It’s an incredibly sexy effect, particularly when the directors turn on the hoses and get everyone wet.  Subliminal shots of Robbie Williams featuring a lizard’s eyes and sharpened teeth are spliced into the super-slow motion shots of the aerobatic maneuvers of the cheerleaders, the term “trouser snake” is interpreted very literally, and by the end it’s pretty hard to deny that eternal damnation looks pretty damned fun.

“When a movie cuts to a beach shot with waves breaking in the background, it matters not how dramatic the cinematic moment, how drastic and ingenious the plot turn — my mind is immediately absent from the narrative proceedings. I’m off on an imaginary surf check, assessing the size and health of the swell up there on the silver screen, noting the wind direction and state of the tide, maybe muttering for the actors to please step aside a moment so I can see if that boomer behind them holds its shape through the inside section.

“For a surfer, this Sea of Cortez beside which I am camped is an altogether different sort of piece of water from the Pacific Ocean, the illusoriness of the boundary distinction notwithstanding. (Big Blue is a contiguous presence, worldwide.) This is despite the fact that the two may appear identical to an observer standing on the beach — both are wet and stretch to the visible horizon.

“There is a corollary to the assertion that the sea is at any given moment capable of being something other than what it is: bodies of water, like human beings, are not created equal, in terms of what they may be. The Sea of Cortez, for example, is largely incapable of producing good surf, due to its limited breadth. This narrowness results in what surfers and oceanographers refer to as a short fetch; “fetch” is the reach of unbroken water across which wind can blow in order to raise a groundswell.

“By contrast, the Pacific Ocean has a fetch of many thousands of miles. Looking south from my last west coat campsite, for example, there is nothing of any significance to impede the production of a groundswell until we come upon the pack ice of Antarctica, some 8,000 miles distant. So even when the sea is flat, you may still find yourself gazing horizonward with an alertness in your surfing soul, for — however many miles out there, however many days’ journey away — there likely is a slew of waves in transit in your direction at that very moment.”

–from In Search of Captain Zero by Allan Weisbecker

Man … or Astro-man? – “Taxidermist Surf”

Fatboy Slim – “Soul Surfing”

American Hi-Fi – “Safer on the Outside”

The Trashmen – “Surfin’ Bird”

The Beach Boys – “Catch a Wave”

Kruder and Dorfmeister – “Sofa Surfers — Sofa Rockers”

—

n

—

Last week voters chose to ride the magic carpet, as Steppenwolf took 40 percent of the vote. It was a close match, as the Beatles followed them with 35 percent and the Who pulled in a respectable 25 percent. Join us again next week for our first ever VIDEO Song-Off as we count down a set of videos that feature high school cheerleaders. You know you don’t want to miss this!

Nighttime and an electrical storm in the Mexican heat flashes, high on acid, the lightning breaking out – there! – there! – and the electricity flows through him and out of him, a second skin, a suit of electricity, and if the time was ever now it is – Now! – and he hurls his hand toward the sky to make the lightning break out where he points – Now! – we’ve got to close it, the gap between the flash and the eye, and make it, the reentry into Now … as Superheroes … open … until he falls to the beach and Mountain Girl finds him holding his throat and choking as if he is gagging on sand …

Beyond acid. They have made the trip now, closed the circle, all of them, and they either emerge as superheroes, closing the door behind them, and soaring through the hole in the sapling sky, or just lollygag in the loop – the loop of the lag – Almost clear! Presque vu! – many good heads have seen it – Paul telling the early Christians: hooking down wine for the Holy Spirit – sooner or later the Blood has got to flood into you for good – Zoroaster telling his followers: you can’t keep taking haoma water to see the flames of Vohu Mano – you’ve got to become the flames, man – And Dr. Strange and Sub Mariner and the Incredible Hulk and the Fantastic Four and the Human Torch prank about on the Rat walls of la casa grande like stroboscopic sledgehammer Cassady’s fons et origo ::::: and it is either make this thing permanent inside of you or forever just climb draggled up into the conning tower every time for one short glimpse of the horizon:::::

–from The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test by Tom Wolfe

The Beatles – “Magical Mystery Tour”

The Who – “Magic Bus”

Steppenwolf – “Magic Carpet Ride”

—
n

—

Last week voters chose Craps as their favorite method of losing last week’s wages, as Rush’s “Roll the Bones” took 32 percent of the vote, followed closely by Blood, Sweat & Tears’ “Spinning Wheel,” which took 27 percent. Next week we celebrate having summer in full swing with a few of my favorite songs about surfing.

One of the special treasures of living in Los Angeles or San Diego is knowing that the adult amusement park of Las Vegas is only a brief road trip away. While I’m waiting with bated breath for them to build a high-speed train through the desert, the trip up I-15 and over the mountains is still decidedly bearable, considering the array of illusionary delights that waits on the other side.

I don’t make it up there too often these days, but when I do I generally limit my debauchery to the cheapest craps table I can find. I used to play blackjack with a simple high-low counting system, but after I had a magical night and won enough to pay off a good chunk of my student loans, the game lost its appeal. I’ve always been a terrible poker player because I have a tendency to fall in love with any good hands I get and completely discount that it’s possible other players have even better hands. Last year was a great one for sports gambling, so good in fact that this fall my computer (I call him Gamblor) and I will be hosting a weekly column of football picks. Stay tuned!

With my condolences, this week’s Song-Off is dedicated to a couple of card sharps I shared a dorm with ages ago who just this week tested their mettle at the World Series of Poker Main Event: Joe Pelton and Frank Grigsby. I was hoping I’d be able to trumpet their success, but unfortunately they’ve both gone bust and are out of the tournament. Frank flamed out in pretty spectacular fashion: after starting the day fourth in overall chip count he was gone by the end of the afternoon; Joe held on a little longer, but it looks like he just barely missed the money bubble. Sorry, guys. Better luck next year.

Electric Light Orchestra, “Poker”

Ray Charles, “Blackjack”

Edwin Starr, “War”

Rush, “Roll the Bones”

Burt Bacharach, “Casino Royale”

Blood, Sweat & Tears, “Spinning Wheel”

Superdrag, “Slot Machine”

—

—

Last week voters chose the combination of Michael McDonald’s music and McDonald’s hamburgers as their favorites, beating out Concrete Blonde and Wendy’s by a single vote. Stay tuned for next week’s battle of true heavyweights, as we tackle the subject of magical modes of transportation.

As people eat more meals outside the home, they consume more calories, less fiber, and more fat. Commodity prices have fallen so low that the fast food industry has greatly increased its portion sizes, without reducing profits, in order to attract customers. The size of a burger has become one of its main selling points. Wendy’s offers the Triple Decker; Burger King, the Great American; and Hardee’s sells a hamburger called the Monster. The Little Caesars slogan “Big! Big!” now applies not just to the industry’s portions, but to its customers. Over the past forty years in the United States, per capita consumption of carbonated soft drinks has more than quadrupled. During the late 1950s the typical soft drink order at a fast food restaurant contained about eight ounces of soda; today a “Child” order of Coke at McDonald’s is twelve ounces. A “Large” Coke is thirty-two ounces-and about 310 calories. In 1972, McDonald’s added Large French Fries to its menu; twenty years later, the chain added Super Size Fries, a serving three times larger than what McDonald’s offered a generation ago. Super Size Fries have 610 calories and 29 grams of fat. At Carl’s Jr. restaurants, an order of CrissCut Fries and a Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger boasts 73 grams of fat — more fat than ten of the chain’s milk shakes.

–from Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser

Michael McDonald – “It Keeps You Runnin’”

Placebo – “Burger Queen”

Concrete Blonde – “Tomorrow, Wendy”

Carl Dobkins, Jr. – “For Your Love”

Ice Cube – “Jack N the Box”

Semisonic – “Closing Time”

Phoenix – “Rally”

The Smithereens – “Whitecastle Blues”

Iced Out Eskimoz – “Whataburger”

Bon Jovi – “In and Out of Love”

Morrissey – “You’re the One for Me, Fatty”

—

—

Last week most voters appeared to abstain, as Regina Spektor’s Samson took home a weak victory with a 42 percent plurality of the vote. Join us again next week as we pay tribute to the World Series of Poker main event with songs about gambling.

And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death, that he told her all his heart, and said unto her, “There hath not come a rasor upon mine head, for I have been a Nazarite unto God from my mother’s womb.  If I be shaven, then my strength will go from me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man.”

And when Delilah saw that he had told her all his heart, she sent and called for the lords of the Philistines, saying, “Come up this once, for he hath shewed me all his heart.” Then the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and brought money in their hand.

And she made him sleep upon her knees, and she called for a man, and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head, and she began to afflict him, and his strength went from him.  And she said, “The Philistines be upon thee, Samson.” And he awoke out of his sleep, and said, “I will go out as at other times before, and shake myself. And he wist not that the Lord was departed from him.”

But the Philistines took him, and put out his eyes, and brought him down to Gaza, and bound him with fetters of brass; and he did grind in the prison house.

–Judges 13, King James Edition

In order to keep this field from getting too crowded, I only posted a few of the more recent songs on the subject. I apologize for the omission of some of the powerhouses, most notably the Grateful Dead’s original version of “Samson and Delilah.” There’s also about a million songs about Delilah, some of which will find a home in a future Song-Off about biblical wives, so don’t worry, you’ll get your Tom Jones fix eventually.

Regina Spektor, “Samson”

The Dresden Dolls, “Delilah”

Shirley Manson, “Samson and Delilah”

—

—

Last week, in one of the most hotly contested Song-Offs ever, the Beach Boys emerged from a crowded field, taking home a 25 percent plurality. Christopher Cross came in second with 22 percent, followed by Styx at 19 percent and the Pogues at 15 percent.  Next week, to celebrate the publication of the Ultimate Road Trip Mixtape (stay tuned for that, it’s going to be epic!), we’ll be looking at songs that represent the essential dietary staple of any long-distance trek: fast food.

This week’s Song-Off is dedicated to Zac Sunderland, a California teen who’s about to become the youngest person to sail around the world solo. He departed from Marina Del Rey last year on June 14, and at this moment in time he’s near the tip of Baja California in Mexico, less than 2,000 miles away from the end of his journey. He’s estimated to arrive in port on June 25 or 26, after more than a year at sea. Congratulations, Zac!

Christopher Cross – “Sailing”

Crosby, Stills & Nash – “Wooden Ships”

Styx – “Come Sail Away”

The Beach Boys – “Sloop John B”

The Pogues – “Thousands Are Sailing”

Waterboys – “Strange Boat”

—

—

Last week readers found the Posies to be the most palatable, as “Flavor of the Month” took home a clear majority of 57 percent over Black Sheep’s 22 percent and American Hi-Fi’s 20 percent. Join us again next week as we celebrate your faithful Matchup Monkey’s imminent haircut (all this hair did me little good, as I’m currently suffering from a sunburned scalp) with songs about the biblical hero Samson.

Bonus sailing footage: