Why You Remember Them: For one of two reasons: Trixter hails from Paramus, N.J., which makes them one of the most robust Against arguments in the debate about New Jersey’s overall contribution to the American music lexicon. But also, Trixter was famous in the early 1990s for their ridiculous song “Give It to Me Good,” as well as for their very successful line of rabbit-flavored cereal.

Listen, I’m Gonna Be Honest Here: I know metric amounts of jack poop about Trixter, other than they’re my go-to band when making fun of music Bradshaw used to listen to. But on their debut tour they opened for Stryper and Don Dokken. Separately.

Number Of Your Judgmental Hypocrites Who Bought This Record in 1990: Well, the damn thing went gold, and the band was presented with gold albums after a show at the Meadowlands, which was promptly sprayed down with disinfectant before Springsteen came by again. Also the video for “Give It to Me Good” stayed #1 on the Dial MTV top ten video countdown for five weeks straight. Eat that, Gaga.

Key Tracks: “Give It to Me Good,” “Surrender,” “One in a Million”

Number of Harmony Vocal Tracks On “Give It to Me Good”: 25,000.

Actual Bassist Name: P.J. Farley, whose name was immortalized by Chevy Chase in Three Amigos.

Best Sentence of Their Wikipedia Entry: “The song featured Edgar Winter on saxophone.”

The Worst Media Decision You Will Hear About All Day: The magazine “Metal Edge” once dedicated an entire issue to the band, “The Trixter Color Spectacular,” taking advantage of the modern press’ full-color capabilities, which was new to the metal world at the time, for which all members of the Metal Edge staff should be punished, strenuously.

I Bet There’s Some Terrible Covers Record in the Canon, Isn’t There: Well of course there is, and for extra boring points they called it Undercovers, like every other schlamp-metal band with a covers record. This particular hideous terror includes “Pump It Up,” “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover,” Nine Inch Nails’ “Terrible Lie” (whaaaat) and “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.” PJ Farley tears shit up on “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.” You heard it here.

Pre-Nirvana Song Titles: “Heart of Steel,” “Give It to Me Good,” “Ride the Whip”

Post-Nirvana Song Titles: “Nobody’s a Hero,” “As the Candle Burns,” “Bloodrock”

Most Improbable Recent Venue Played: The Crazy Donkey in Farmingdale, N.Y.

Recent News: As part of what will be the eventual reunion of every goddamned band in the world, Trixter played five dates in 2008, including the inexcusable Rocklahoma festival and a sold-out performance in New Jersey, their first hometown show in 13 years (though it should be noted that with the whole breadth of human knowledge at my fingertips I cannot determine where this purported concert took place).

Arbitarily Scored Ferocity of Devil-Horns Thrust: 1.2. Not entirely sure “Give It to Me Good” has any actual bass on it.

Oh, Wait, Here It Is: They played at Decter’s Entertainment Complex in Riverdale. That place has some crazy go-kart action!

FIREHOUSE
TITLE: “Don’t Treat Me Bad”
ALBUM: Firehouse
RELEASE DATE: Aug. 21, 1990

Why You Remember Them: For one of two reasons: Either for their two-ply, baby-soft semi-rocker “Don’t Treat Me Bad,” in which our protagonist testifies, at some length, about being treated bad (he’s against it), or the power-tool ballad “Love of a Lifetime,” which actually caused spontaneous intestinal combustion in listeners in California in 1990. Oh, of course you didn’t hear about that in your elitist anti-Firehouse mainstream media.

Number Of Your Judgmental Hypocrites Who Bought This Record in 1990: 2 million. I see you, Bradshaw.

Key Tracks: “Don’t Treat Me Bad,” “Love of a Lifetime,” “All She Wrote”

Means by Which Firehouse Served as Unintentional Metaphor for the Uncomfortably Visible Death of a Major Awards Telecast: Legendarily, at the 1992 American Music Awards, Firehouse won for best New Hard Rock/Metal Band over Alice in Chains and Saigon Kick. Wait, I mean Nirvana. Their acceptance speech, in short, went something like this: “Guys, we are so, so sorry.”

Number of Firehouses You Have to Click Through on Google to Get to This One: Two: the sandwich-based fast-food chain and, you know, one about people who fight fires and junk.

Is There Some Way the Director of the Video Could Work in That Band Name?: Fantastic question. How about a piping-hot “circle of fire” effect that pretty much is a frame-by-frame remake of the opening of Bonanza? DONE. Also, how about a set decorated with as many tiny, controlled sort-of-blazes as a $650 budget would allow. DONE. What about even an album cover in which a strangely unattractive model stands in front of a mural of a building with flame decals taped on it? PRINT IT, LUCY.

Is There Chest Hair in That Video?: God, is there.

But America Sucks. Is There Some Other Place They’re Still Popular?: Yes! Much like the execrable Mr. Big, Firehouse remained huge in Japan, Thailand and Singapore, where music fans are dumb. According to the Wikipedia Internet Machine, Firehouse is estimated to have sold 7 million albums worldwide. Do you hear that, American Music Awards? You can come out now!

Best Part of Their Wikipedia Entry: “The band’s first Indian date, in Shillong When the Maharaja of Tripura Kirit Pradyot Deb Burman invited them, took place in front of a sold out stadium crowd of over 40,000.” Way to suck, Mayor Burman.

Most Improbable Song Title: They’re actually all really innocuous: “Reach for the Sky,” “Body Language,” “Take Me Away,” “Jumpin’ .” FireHouse may be the only hair band in the world to have avoided the post-Nirvana self-loathing freakout. YAWN.

Recent News: The song “Don’t Walk Away” appeared in The Wrestler, marking the 13th time that Firehouse and Bruce Springsteen appeared on the same Mickey Rourke soundtrack.

Arbitarily Scored Ferocity of Devil-Horns Thrust: 1. Fire bad.

STRYPER
Title: “Honestly”
Album: To Hell With The Devil
Release Date: Oct. 24, 1986

Why You Remember Them: Because at one point you stood with your fist in the air and shouted “To Hell With the Devil” like a hot banshee on fire. Didn’t you?

Alarming Sales Figures: 2 million moved for To Hell. The damn thing spent three months on Billboard’s album charts. Even the, ahem, poppier follow-up In God We Trust moved half a million, although that was mostly from older fans who mistook it for currency.

Recent News: Well, that’s the thing; evidently these fellas are on a 25th anniversary tour, according to this Press Release I have just received, which is accompanied by a very thoughtful-looking blood-red tinted photo of four guys looking downward in a pose of either deep prayer or a nap. One of them is wearing Archie’s ascot, or maybe five candy-cane ties. Whatever. All I know is, Jesus would hate this tie.

Don’t They Have a New One Out? Sure, why not. It’s called Murder By Pride, and the first single debuted at No. 27 on the Billboard Top 100, and by “Billboard Top 100″ I mean “Christianrock.net,” which apparently has a chart, one that features 26 better songs than Stryper’s Boston cover.

If You Have Not Feasted Your Eyes On The To Hell Cover Art In Some Time You Should Really Do It Now: The BANNED ONE above, that is. Total sexfest.

Key Tracks: “Calling On You,” “Free,” “Honestly”

Best Part Of Their Wikipedia Entry: “Stryper stands for Salvation Through Redemption Yielding Peace, Encouragement and Righteousness.” Which gives me a name for a new band: Tortured Acronym. Actually, that’s pretty bad-ass. We’ll be on Rock Never Stops in two years, you just watch.

Also: They were originally known as Roxx Regime, meaning that Salvation Through Redemption Yielding Peace, Encouragement and Righteousness is actually the second-worst band name they’ve ever had.

Also: Their guitarist is named Oz Fox. Go ahead. Go tell Oz Fox his name is stupid. I’ll watch.

Most Improbable Song Title: “Come To the Everlife”

Pre-Nirvana Song Titles: “Sing-Along Song,” “Rockin’ The World”

Post-Nirvana Song Titles: “Murder By Pride,” “Mercy Over Blame”

Arbitarily Scored Ferocity of Devil-Horns Thrust: -3. And lo let it be written from the mountaintops to the valleys, Christian rock sucks.

SLAUGHTER
Title: “Fly To The Angels”
Album: Stick It to Ya
Release Date: January 27, 1990

Why You Remember Them: Credit Slaughter with arriving (late) to the hair-metal party without any even vague designs on rocking it. Slaughter’s tapes, available at Kmart and Venture stores nationwide, were solely prom-theme delivery machines; their attempts at lip-licking lasciviousness, mostly in titles like “Stick It To Ya” and “Up All Night,” were about as dangerous as a Tuesday night episode of Jay-Walking. “Fly to The Angels,” the video for which was made for $49.50, most of which was spent on airplane stock footage and an oscillating fan, is 50 minutes of viscous cheese puncutated by seagull sound effects, in case you were unclear about that whole flying thing. (Sorry – I’m told it’s actually only 4:30. How about that!)

Sales Figures: Stick Moved over 2 million copies, and was nominated for an American Music Award for best metal album in 1991. Yeah, I said it. AMERICAN MUSIC AWARD. Suck on that, haters.

Key Tracks: “Up All Night,” “Shout It Out,” “Spend My Life”

Is It Me, Or Does “Shout It Out” Sound Oddly Excellent?: Yes! That’s because it was commissioned for the soundtrack of Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, marking the first of many times Slaughter would appear on a record with Faith No More. And not to go off on a tangent here, but can I tell you that the Bill and Ted movies hold up amazingly, and if Bill Sadler as Death isn’t worth an American Music Award, I don’t know what is. If you learn anything from Slaughter, it’s this: Put Bogus Journey on your Netflix queue TODAY. I’ll wait.

Best Part Of Their Wikipedia Entry: “Due to the changing musical climate and Chrysalis’ absorption by EMI Records, Slaughter was dropped from the label in a massive cleaning house (sic) that included dismissals of other previously popular acts such as Billy Idol and Huey Lewis and the News.” Can you imagine standing on a street corner in 1994 and seeing a dejected-looking Mark Slaughter, Billy Idol and Huey Lewis all come out of the same office building revolving door?

Damning Review From My Buddy Aaron Bradshaw in a Separate IM Window Right Now: “Essentially, they were a poor man’s Trixter.” NO YOU DIDN’T, BRADSHAW.

More Tales Regarding Slaughter and My Friend Bradshaw: Oh yeah, he did see Slaughter live at the Star Plaza Theater in Merrillville, Ind., with opening act Alias. “Front row of the balcony, although we snuck downstairs,” he reports. “Rebels we were.” Bradshaw also saw Belinda Carlisle there in the front row. Merrillville was so effing awesome.

Sweet Christ, They Actually Covered: OK, I got totally excited when I saw “American Pie” from their 1997 record, Revolution, but it turns out this is an original, albeit one with lines like “I’m a silver-tongued poet and I like to say/That you’re lookin’ really groovy and I like it that way.”

Most Improbable Lyric: “Jesus says he loves you and that’s outta sight,” again from the endlessly giving “American Pie,” which later involves somebody getting naked on the moon. Not Jesus. I think.

Pre-Nirvana Song Titles: “Up All Night,” “She Wants More,” “Reach for the Sky”

Post-Nirvana Song Titles: “Silence of Ba,” “Heaven It Cries”

Arbitarily Scored Ferocity of Devil-Horns Thrust: Two. “Fly to the Angels,” despite being thawed out in a children’s treasury of acoustic versions, etc., etc., over the years, isn’t even good enough to warrant eventually getting to hang out with Huey Lewis.

Recent News: Slaughter remains an active force on the metal-tent circuit, surfacing frequently on the Rock Never Stops Tour.

JACKYL
Title: “The Lumberjack Song”
Album: Jackyl
Release Date: 1992

Why You Remember Them: You cannot imagine how often, in the research of this column, one comes across the phrase “lumped into the hair metal category,” as though being a cornball Southern-rock outfit with a wacky-eyed lead singer and a schlong obsession is better. Jackyl formed in 1990 as a hair meta … ahem, Southern-rock boogie band, but if you’ve read this far you’re probably going, “The jags with the chainsaw, right?” Right.

Total Sales: Jackyl moved 1.35 million units in 1992, making me sad for 1992.

Key Tracks: “Down on Me,” “The Lumberjack Song,” “I Stand Alone”

OK, But I’m Pretty Sure Those Are Dogs on the Cover of This Album: Right, you tell the chainsaw-wielding redneck he’s got his canids misidentified.

GET THE EFF OUT OF HERE, BRENDAN O’BRIEN?: Before resorting to producing hillbilly crap by “Bruce Springsteen” and “Pearl Jam,” O’Brien ran with the big dogs. I am desperately hoping these are people who still keep in touch.

Jesse: “Brendan, it’s Jesse, listen, I have a great idea for a new track that…”
Brendan: “(interrupting) Does it have a chainsaw?”
Jesse: “Yes.”
Brendan: “Christ.” (click)

Best Part of Their Wikipedia Entry: “(Dupree) once had been asked, “How the hell can you play a chainsaw?” to which he responded, “How the hell can you not play a chainsaw?” Got me there, longhair.

These Guys Seem Like Candidates to Write An Ass-Kicking Post 9-11 Song: No kidding! That’s when they released “Open Invitation,” a ass-whuppin’ number that featured clips of Bush reading from the Bible and lyrics like “I hate you, Bin Laden.” and “You’ve got an open invitation to kiss our ass.” The track received “wide airplay,” according to the Web. The Web and I disagree on this crucial point.

Get This: AC/DC singer Brian Johnson lent vocals to the 1997 “Locked and Loaded,” which the Web calls a “hit song.” The Web and I also disagree on this crucial point. Johnson also pitched in on the band’s 2002 album Relentless, because Dupree sounds exactly like him.

Number of Woodstocks These Pinheads Played: Just ’94, in Saugerties.

True or False, Jesse Dupree named his 2000 solo debut Ankles Are Awesome: Ha! False, of course. It was actually called Foot Fetish.

Sweet Christ, They Actually Covered: “I Am The Walrus,” and the increasingly inescapable hair-metal karaoke track of choice, “We’re An American Band.”

Most Improbable Song Title: “Mr. Evil.” We would have also accepted “Billy Badass.”

Pre-Nirvana Song Titles: “Dirty Little Mind,” “Redneck Punk,” “She Loves My Cock”

Post-Nirvana Song Titles: “I Am the I Am,” “Private Hell”

Recent News: Dupree and Tom Green got into a fight during recess on The New Tom Green Show, beating the Insane Clown Posse’s recent appearance on Stern as the Room I’d Most Like to Drop a Flaming Steamroller On.

Arbitarily Scored Ferocity of Devil-Horns Thrust: Three. Plus two points deducted for getting into a feud with Tom Green.

STEELHEART

Why You Remember Them: Previous installments of this award-winning series have included bands with numerous hits, if not multiple albums, to their names, but we bring that streak to a screeching, flaming halt with Steelheart, whose sole contribution to the poufy-hair zeitgeist is “I’ll Never Let You Go,” a song whose fierce, animalistic coda explodes with such visceral fury that it is entirely likely that lead singer Michael Matijevic, a man with a consonant-y name so clunky and Eastern European-sounding that I’m sure we’re related, exploded his carotid artery straining for the last note and is still lying in a pool of blood and Aqua Net in a studio somewhere. It is quite simply impossible to achieve that level of valkyrie screaming without attaching a car battery to your face.

But Suck on This Little Bit of Kevin Bacon Game Madness: Matijevic in 2001 provided the voice for the Mark Wahlberg character in Rock Star, itself modeled on the story of a Judas Priest cover band singer-turned-actual-Judas-Priest frontman. The film featured a version of “We All Die Young,” which originally appeared on Steelheart’s third (!) album, Wait. So, good for Matijevic.

Boy, I’m Getting Sleepy Reading All These Words: Good, because as of Aug. 17, STEELHEART COFFEE IS HERE. Matijevic’s new line of gourmet coffees is available now throughout southern California. Grab a cup now and you’ll be saying, “I’ll never let this rich flavorful aroma go!”

Chart Position: “I’ll Never Let You Go” hit No. 14 on the U.S. Hot 100 in 1991; the album Steelheart peaked at No. 40 on the album chart. The 1992 follow-up Tangled in Reins only made it to No. 144; 1996′s Wait didn’t chart.

The Lone Key Track: “I’ll Never Let You Go” is like a mutant monster ballad from a ’50s horror movie. It is a grotesque, seething animal, a near-parody that lapped itself to become a decent-size hit. And it is a Type A behemoth of epic proportions, like McGwire in ’98. You wouldn’t like it when it’s angry.

Best Part of Their Wikipedia Entry: They are credited as being “one of the last glam metal bands,” which I have a problem with because it implies the definition of “last” that indicates a distant coolness, like The Last Starfighter or The Last Unicorn. In this context, they mean “last” like they’re the band that shows up at 4 a.m. after the bartenders are sort-of washing the sticky glasses and the house lights are on like, “Dudes, I think this is the place!”

Why Anyone Who Has Ever Played Hair Metal Needs to Move to Japan Yesterday: We learned last week that Mr. Big are basically regarded as the second coming of a God/Buddha sandwich over there, but that is small godly potaters after learning Steelheart’s debut record sold 33K on its first day ALONE in Japan, thanks to this track and “She’s Gone,” which, according to Wikipedia, “maintains its popularity in East Asian region until today. It has been played by most of the cover bands performing in nightclubs in the region almost every night.” Bands of the Rock Never Stops Tour: GO. NOW.

Most Improbable Song Title: “Rock N’ Roll (I Just Wanna).” When 900 years old you reach, look as good, you will not.

Pre-Nirvana Song Titles: “Gimme Gimme,” “Down N’ Dirty”

Post-Nirvana Song Titles: “Twisted Future,” “Buried Unkind”

What the Future Holds: A new album, Good 2B Alive, is available for download now from Steelheart’s official website.  A preview EP entitled Just a Taste, including three new tracks and the quickly wearing-out-its-welcome “We All Die Young,” is also available.

Arbitarily Scored Ferocity of Devil-Horns Thrust: Eh, we can do a 5. Dude’s voice is ridiculous. And I mean, come on. Mark Wahlberg approved, so who are we to be jerks?

Damn Yankees
Title: “Where You Goin’ Now?”
Album: Don’t Tread
Release Date: 1992

Why You Remember Them: For a guy who expends so much effort trying to sustain an image as such a carnivorous, twitchy Amurcan, Ted Nugent is responsible for an unusually high amount of sissypants cotton-candy girl songs, many of which delivered by a band inexplicably named after a vivacious Broadway musical. To call Damn Yankees a “supergroup” would imply a world where that word could include someone from Night Ranger, yet here we are: Aside from Nugent, the group included Styx’s Tommy Shaw, looking like the Eurythmics dude that wasn’t Annie Lennox (what? too soon?), Night Ranger’s Jack Blades and Michael Cartellone, one of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s 400 drummers but a guy who had the sense to forge a second career in painting. “Where You Goin’ Now” isn’t even the Damn Yankees song most often played as the soundtrack to trembling hands fumbling their way around bra straps in the early ’90s — that would be the execrable “High Enough” — but thinking that the last two songs anyone gave a damn about were these would probably turn me into a goofball hunter/reality-show cartoon too.

Album Sales To Date: The band’s self-titled debut went double-platinum in 1990; Don’t Tread went platinum? Really? Jesus wept.

Humiliating Personal Memory: So like two weeks ago, I was driving around Bloomington, Ind., with my cousin, who was the one who had this on her iPod, not mine, I want to make that clear, but anyway I haven’t been able to get the damn thing out of my head since then, and now here you are. Sorry.

Key Tracks: “High Enough,” “Don’t Tread on Me,” “Coming of Age”

Best Part of Their Wikipedia Entry: Sadly, their brief article is in need of “attention from an expert on the subject.” WIKIPEDIA NEEDS YOU, JACK BLADES.

Cinema Paradiso: Damn Yankees music appeared in some of the finest films of the late ’80s and early ’90s, including Gremlins 2: The New Batch, Nothing But Trouble, The Taking of Beverly Hills and the Jean-Claude Van Damme film Nowhere to Run, which was adapted from the novel by Toni Morrison.

Pre-Nirvana Song Titles: They didn’t really have any post-Nirvana ones. After Don’t Tread Shaw returned to Styx and Nugent went off to act silly in public, and shortly thereafter Shaw and Blades recorded an album as the cleverly named duo Shaw Blades, which is lame but on the other hand they could have gone with Oklahoma!. The best they could do was get a track on the soundtrack of Tommy Boy. Everyone’s back in the warm safe embrace of their original bands now.

Sweet Christ, They Actually Covered: Shaw Blades contributed “The Twelve Days of Christmas” to the album A Classic Rock Christmas, which you do not own.

Recent News: Blades told VH1 that he and the guys had been “talking,” etc. etc. Awesome. I’ve been talking with my 401(k) guy this week, but no one wants to see me go on tour with him either.

Most Improbable Song Title: “Double Coyote,” which is also the answer to “What animal’s head is mounted over Ted Nugent’s oversized bubble bathtub?”

Arbitarily Scored Ferocity of Devil-Horns Thrust: Two. Shaw’s angelic vocals need a crossbow shot through them.

MR. BIG
Song Title: “To Be With You”
Album: Lean Into It
Release Date: March 26, 1991

Why You Remember Them: Much like the poor suckers in Extreme and the Goo Goo Dolls, Mr. Big spent years producing extraordinarily forgettable rock music before backing into an accidental hit with a marshmallowy ballad, forcing them into the uncomfortable position of determining whether it was best to continue rocking in obscurity or turn into a prom-or-Nic Cage-movie-theme production factory. Unfortunately while Mr. Big was deciding which color pill to swallow, people ceased to listen.

Chart Attack: “To Be With You” hit No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100. Follow-up single “Just Take My Heart” was their only other charting single, peaking at No. 16. That’s in America, though. Apparently in Japan, Mr. Big is like what Led Zeppelin would be if they had Jesus on guitar, but more on this later.

Other Key Tracks: None.

Bunch of tools: Kickoff track “Daddy, Brother, Lover, Little Boy (The Electric Drill Song)” was easily the third-best power-tool themed rock track of the early 1990s, behind Jackyl’s chainsaw-powered “The Lumberjack Song” and Neil Diamond’s “Searing Hot Love,” recorded entirely in a smelting yard.

Humiliating Personal Memory: Pfft, I didn’t listen to Mr. Big, because I’m a dude. But I did know a guy named Dave who was like obsessed with them. I think he saw Mr. Big when they played the Star Plaza in Merrillville, Ind. Either way I’m pretty sure he rocked his face off to “The Electric Drill Song.”

Best Part Of Their Wikipedia Entry: I am pretty confident the entire shebang is written either by a publicist or Dave, because it is absolutely packed with such zingers as : “Over the years, through the different heights of the band’s career, the fan base of the group has remained steadfast – even after the demise of the band in 2002. Fans have always asked for the band’s reunion.” But here’s a good one anyway: The song “Take Cover” from the album Hey Man was included on the soundtrack to the cartoon series Mega Man … and was played during the end credits of the episodes “Bad Day At Peril Park” and “Mega X.”

Which Begs The Question: Did anyone ever have a good day at Peril Park? Weird.

Estimated Number of Greatest Hits Collections: Three
Most Amazing Greatest Hits Collection Title: Deep Cuts

Estimated Number Of Live Albums: We are so very not joking when we say EIGHT: Raw Like Sushi, Mr. Big Live, Raw Like Sushi II, Japandemonium: Raw Like Sushi 3, Channel V at the Hard Rock Live, Live at Budokan, In Japan and Live at the Hard Rock Cafe. At this point Mr. Big probably has pretty considerable pull with the Japanese government.

Sweet Christ, They Actually Covered: “Wild World,” a minor single from 1993′s Bump Ahead. Oh, and the Free song “Mr. Big.” Nothing gets past Mr. Big.

Pre-Nirvana Song Titles: “Alive and Kickin’”, “Addicted to That Rush”

Post-Nirvana Song Titles: “Where Do I Fit In?” “Trapped In Toyland”

Arbitarily Scored Ferocity of Devil-Horns Thrust: Two. No one truly knows where Mr. Big fits in.

Recent News: According to the suspiciously exuberant Wikipedia entry, the band reformed earlier this year and are now on tour, surprisingly enough, in Japan.

WARRANT
Song Title: “Cherry Pie”
Album: Cherry Pie
Release Date: Sept. 11, 1990

Why You Remember Them: Arguably, and along with Winger, Warrant for one reason or another has become something of the go-to punching-bag band of the state fair-metal universe. Scientists believe this is due to the cover of Cherry Pie, which depicts a raspberry-lipped waitress dropping a piece of the titular pie — that’s right, titular, we hear your snickerings — and the plummeting treat was photographed just as it passed her nether regions, an art-directed “metaphor” that’s responsible for making Warrant the hair band of choice among English grad professors.

Worldwide Album Sales To Date for Cherry Pie: 3 million

But Why Would Such Nice Rockers Objectify Women Like That? Well, you’d be traumatized too if you walked in on your best chick tagging some other dude, as singer Jani Lane did on “I Saw Red,” the power ballad of choice on Cherry Pie and sort of the slutty cousin of the band’s previous “Heaven.” “I didn’t need to see his face … I saw yours,” Lane howls, heartbreakingly, and though we don’t see his face, the other guy is Mark Sanford.

Did Warrant Ever Record A Narrative Murder Mystery With An Unbelievably Incongruous and Historically Inappropriate Title?: Just one: “Uncle Tom’s Cabin,” in addition to being the title of a classic anti-slavery novel or some crap, is a Warrant song about two kids who witness local po-leese covering up a murder most foul. Its B-side was a track about dirty whore-sex with a drunk 19-year-old clubgoer called “Far from the Madding Crowd.”

And Maybe Some Saucy Political Satire? YES! The “Ode to Tipper Gore,” a minute-long compilation of Jani Lane saying “fuck” on stage, was left off of the record’s edited version and is the only time in recorded history when the music community at large has stood fully in support of Tipper Gore on something.

Other Key Tracks: “Down Boys,” “Heaven”

Best Parts of Their Wikipedia Entry: “Warrant’s music has undergone significant evolution throughout the band’s 20-year history.” Also, they recorded their first demo tape for Paisley Park Records. Oh, and this: “The release of Cherry Pie was followed by a tour with the band Poison, which ended in January 1991 after a conflict between the two bands over stage room.” Girl fight!

Pre-Nirvana Song Titles: “Cherry Pie,” “You’re the Only Hell Your Mama Ever Raised”

Post-Nirvana Song Titles: “April 2031,” “Andy Warhol Was Right”

Estimated Number of Greatest Hits Collections: Approximately 3
Most Recent Greatest Hits Collection Title: Then and Now Warrant

Estimated Number Of Live Albums: One. Just one? Really? What are you guys doing?
Live Album Title: Warrant Live 86-97

Sweet Christ, They Actually Covered: Themselves! The 1999 album Greatest and Latest answered the call for freshly re-recorded new versions of Warrant hits. They also contributed a disgraceful version of “We Will Rock You” to the film Gladiator. No, no, not that one.

Most Improbable Song Title: “Hell, Ca.” Have you ever tried rhyming U.S. postal service abbreviations? It’s like trying to rhyme “Juggalo.”

Little-known fact: Warrant is the boss at the end of World 4-4.

Look at this promo picture! What’s going on in Warrant ‘96? Are they floating in Super Mario Bros. 3?

Arbitarily Scored Ferocity of Devil-Horns Thrust: Three. This is absurd.

What the Hell Happened to Them? Shortly after the release of Cherry Pie, Warrant walked into the offices of its Sony home and found its CEO having wild sex with Alice in Chains, effectively ending the band. In recent years, the band has endured a multitude of lineup changes; singer Jani Lane, as of press time, is no longer with the band and is, one imagines, now eating his pie alone.

TESLA
Song Title: “Love Song”
Album: The Great Radio Controversy
Release Date: Feb. 1, 1989

Why You Remember Them: This song was a decent enough hit, but it was the band’s 1990 Five Man Acoustical Jam live disc that cemented their status as a band who could successfully cover “Signs” in a way that involved several pointless f-bombs.

Worldwide U.S. Album Sales To Date: 6 million

Five Man Acoustical Jam = like paying $14 at Musicland to go to the Wild Wing Cafe: Seriously, who else would have the stones (zing) to cover “Mother’s Little Helper,” “Lodi,” “Signs,” “Truckin’” and “We Can Work It Out” all on the same album? Amazing. And they’d go on to do “Honky Tonk Women,” “Street Fighting Man,” “Do You Feel Like We Do” and countless others. Nothing in the rock catalog is safe from Tesla!

Other Key Tracks: “The Way It Is,” “Heaven’s Trail (No Way Out)”

Length of “Love Song” on that acoustic album: 9:54. Suck it, Phish.

Humiliating Personal Memory: This tape received considerable play during the summer of 1990, where I would bring my Walkman on various lawnmowing jobs and listen over the mower noise, which is something that would have been nice to have been warned about by like a hearing doctor or something, but whatever.

Best part of their Wikipedia Entry: Five Man Acoustical Jam is credited as a precursor of the “Unplugged” trend, so the next time you hear Cobain turn into the devil howling the last verse of “Where Did You Sleep Last Night,” you pour a little out for Tesla, without whom no one might have ever thought to play songs with acoustic guitars on television.

Estimated Number of Greatest Hits Collections: 3
Most Recent Greatest Hits Collection Title: Time’s Makin’ Changes – The Best of Tesla

Estimated Number Of Live Albums: Three, most of which are – and you may want to sit down for this – covers records. Real to Reel, released in 2007, is a essentially two-disc playlist of a Tulsa classic rock FM station in 1987 featuring all ’60s and ’70s covers like “Thank You,” “I’ve Got A Feeling,” “All the Young Dudes,” “War Pigs,” “I Want To Take You Higher” and “Shooting Star.” And an iTunes-only EP later that year featured four more covers and an inexplicable new arrangement of “Signs.”

Sweet Christ, They Actually Covered: Good gravy, what haven’t they covered? Somewhere there’s a Tesla acoustic EP with “The Super Bowl Shuffle” on it.

Disappointingly Literal Album Cover: The cover of 1994′s quickly forgotten Bust a Nut features a large machine preparing to crush a walnut. Irony was big in 1994. As was nut-busting.

Most Improbable Song Title: “Don’t De-Rock Me” from 1991′s Psychotic Supper. Who doesn’t remember standing defiant in your living room on Friday night, with your mom being all like “Hey, kid, you be back by midnight and no cigarettes or questionable girl sex!” and you’d be all like, “Hey, Mom, don’t de-rock me!” right before you re-pegged your jeans and headed to the mall in her Accord.

Pre-Nirvana Song Titles: “Rock Me To The Top,” “Cumin’ Atcha Live,” “Lazy Days, Crazy Nights”

Post-Nirvana Song Titles: “Freedom Slaves,” “The Gate/Invited”

Arbitarily Scored Ferocity of Devil-Horns Thrust: 6. And the devil horns are covers of devil horns we actually threw in the air at a Zeppelin concert.

Looking Ahead: Tesla was referenced on an episode of One Tree Hill, although someone’s teenage daughter is gonna have to tell me what that means exactly. The band released 2008′s Forever More on its own label and will perform on the cruise ship “ShipRocked” in November of this year.