Unsolicited Career Advice for … Rick James

Just because you extol the virtues of super freaky girls…and you’re dead…doesn’t mean Uncle Donnie can’t give you a little advice, does it?

Comments

 Unsolicited Career Advice 
« Older Entries
Monday, November 2nd, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Rush

by Rob Smith

This is a memo written in 1977 to the Canadian management of Rush. If pictures from this period are any indication, Uncle Donnie had taken to sporting a green Mohawk for at least several months that year. -RS

TO: Managers of Rush
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

You, my friends, have a great property in this band Rush. I just saw them the other night at the Fitchburg Theater, and I was really surprised. Well, the first thing that surprised me was the fact that the Vibrators weren’t playing at the Fitchburg—I’d gotten my nights mixed up and missed their concert with Stinky Toys and Métal Urbain. This really sucks, because, as it turned out, most of Stinky Toys got deported back to France after the show. That, and, well, I found out the Vibrators, Stinky Toys and Métal Urbain weren’t even booked at the Fitchburg, but at Needles and Pins, a bar down the street from the Fitchburg. What can I tell you? It was a long week.

Anyway, so I stayed to see Rush and some band called Max Webster put on a hell of a loud show. And even though I realize I’m not exactly the biggest authority on this so-called “progressive” scene (I was the only one in attendance with any kind of nose piercings, but I don’t think anyone else noticed), I think there’s something really special about a band that can perform 15-minute-long songs about space travel and intergalactic politics. And by special, I mean—well, special. Not my usual cup of vinegar, but I didn’t leave early, and that’s saying something.

Now, since I am a member in good standing of this “industry,” such as it is, I feel I am uniquely qualified to offer you some advice on how to best position your property, this band Rush, for maximum effect, both in the U.S. and abroad. Certainly, you’re aware of a new form of revolutionary sound sweeping through England and certain pockets of the U.S.—call it punk rock, call it just punk, call it whatever you want to call it; it’s here to stay, my friends. If you handle Rush properly, you should be able to grab a piece of this uprising and prosper. Here are my ideas: (more…)

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Music, Unsolicited Career Advice | Comments

Monday, October 19th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Rick James

by Rob Smith

In 1967, Rick James was just getting out of military prison, having served a year for going AWOL from the Navy, and was pondering a return to music with the Mynah Birds, a band that had been signed to Motown and had briefly included Neil Young on guitar. Few people know that James at this time was a tea-totaling, God-fearing, neatly groomed young man who was shy around women and had never heard of funk. Uncle Donnie intended to set him straight and help him spice up his life and career in this 32-year-old memo. – RS

TO: Rick James
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

Hi, Rick. Don Skwatzenschitz here; we met at the Motown building about a year and a half ago, while you and the Mynah Birds were recording “It’s My Time.” That should have been a hit, but we all know you had to meet your military obligation, and it’s good you ‘fessed up and faced the music, so to speak. Feels good to not having that hanging over your head, doesn’t it? By the way, how’s the food in the Brooklyn Brig?

Rick, you are a singular talent, but it has to be nurtured. I know you’re thinking about going back to Motown, but I ask you to reconsider. There are new musical worlds being discovered in places like San Francisco, Berkeley, and right around the corner from where I’m writing—Haverhill, Massachusetts (we have a swingin’ acid rock collective nearby called Captain Dusty Verkota and His Electric Hookah All-Stars. You should come by and check them out, next time you’re around). Soul music is great—you know me; I’m all about the soul of things. But there are other avenues of expression to consider. And, for God’s sake, don’t act so scared around the ladies! You’re a good-looking guy! (more…)

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Featured, Featured - Frontpage, Music, Unsolicited Career Advice | Comments

Monday, October 5th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Courtney Love

by Rob Smith

Uncle Donnie has a soft spot for lost causes, and there are none more lost than Ms. Love. This recent missive outlines his concerns, and his plans to help her rise again. -RS

TO: Courtney Love
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

You know, dear Courtney, we all feel a little lost sometimes. I remember the two and a half years between Jackson Browne’s Running on Empty and Hold Out records—you were just a kid, but trust me, they were long, lean years with no new JB poetry to get us all through. Jimmy Carter was in the White House, and you could just see the effect Browne’s absence had on him. Everything seemed to go straight to hell, without passing “Go,” without collecting $200 in worthless cash.

But we all snap out of it. In the summer of 1980, I turned on the radio and heard those wonderful words—”Down on the boulevard, they take it hard / They look at life with such disregard.” I wept. Openly. Mitzi and I were in the old Impala, cruising down Highway 1 at night, looking for a place to pull off and have a little shtup, you know? And then I heard the song and all thoughts of shtupping vanished, disappointing Mitzi horribly. But the voice was back, and his new words had … well, they had very little meaning, but I clung to them anyway. Didn’t help Jimmy Carter, though.

But you, Courtney, have taken feeling lost to a whole new level. We all had such hopes for you, too—the brave widow, newly single mom, protecting her husband’s legacy while establishing one of her own. That was before the anus wax meltdown in 2003, and the feud with Dave and Krist, and the Pam Anderson roast, or any of the other numerous breakdowns. The latest breakdown, though—the whole Kurt/Guitar Hero/Bon Jovi thing—is the last straw. We were merely worried about your safety before, dear—now we’re concerned about your sanity. You simply must turn it around—and I have just the plan: (more…)

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Featured, Featured - Frontpage, Music, Unsolicited Career Advice | Comments

Monday, September 21st, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Def Leppard

by Rob Smith

According to Lev, Uncle Donnie served in some capacity in the Def Leppard camp during the recording sessions for Adrenalize, and wound up going out with them on one of the U.S. legs of their ‘92 tour. Became quite close with the band, apparently, though for unknown reasons was never asked back after that leg. This memo, however, reveals they still hold a place in his heart. -RS

TO: Def Leppard
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

First of all, yes—I wanna get rocked. Ha! Remember that, back in ‘92? Man, those were good times. I mean, not great times—Clarky was dead, and everyone felt bad, but didn’t we have a good time hazing poor Vivian? I’ve never had a better time on tour with a rock and roll band. Thanks for including me, and for putting up with Mitzi lifting up her shirt in the front row for 64 shows. It couldn’t have been easy for you, particularly Joe, who would invariably be trying to sing to a babe on one side of Mitz or the other.

Anyway, since we go back a ways, I feel compelled to talk with you about a serious issue, namely, your recording career. It needs to stop. Now. The last two albums prove it, if the previous two or three didn’t. A covers record is typically a sign of desperation, and Yeah! was no exception. Face it, people would rather hear All American Rejects do your songs, or Taylor Swift, or some anonymous kid, or even you, 20 years ago, than to hear you do T. Rex or Bowie covers. Not to mention David-effin’-Essex. “Rock On?” Ain’t no rock to be found there, buddies. (more…)

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Music, Unsolicited Career Advice | Comments

Monday, September 7th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Barry Gibb

by Rob Smith

For all the correspondence from Uncle Donnie that we have on record (or in piles in Lev’s basement), it’s worth noting that he could, on occasion, fall out of touch with people.  The trick was to reconnect with those folks before they died.  Barry Gibb was one of the fortunate ones. -RS

TO: Barry Gibb
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

Barry, old pal, how have you been?  It’s been so long since we last saw you at your brother Robin’s birthday party in Miami—what was it, five years ago?  Nine?  I don’t remember much about that night, but I do recall thinking the nude caterers were a bit much.  The spinach balls were lovely, though; Mitzi’s been trying to recreate them in our kitchen ever since.  I tell her the nudity had nothing to do with the quality of the food, but she never listens.

Speaking of my beloved, the other night, she was watching repeats of French television (this satellite TV gets damn near everything), and came upon a performance of “To Love Somebody” by a couple singer/songwriter types, and we got into a discussion about you.  You did such a good job on American Idol a couple years back (though I didn’t quite get the Dr. Zaius costume—was that supposed to be ironic?), yet never capitalized on it.  That’s a shame, particularly if you want to have a place at the table in pop culture these days.  With such an enormous back catalog of hits, you should be out there reminding people of your greatness, and getting new fans to bask in that greatness.  I think I can help you, if you take my advice in several key areas: (more…)

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Featured, Featured - Frontpage, Music, Unsolicited Career Advice | Comments

Monday, August 24th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Donny Osmond

by Rob Smith

So Lev comes over to my place last week—first time he’s been around in a while. We have a few beers and watch Tiger Woods implode, split a calzone from Napoli’s, chat a bit. He gets up to leave and, almost as an afterthought, tells me he has more Uncle Donnie memos in his car. Of course, I get pissed—I would have much rather spent the afternoon reading through Uncle Donnie’s memos than watching golf. Lev probably knew that, but his TV was broken and he really wanted to watch Tiger. Whatever.

This is a recent missive Uncle Donnie sent to one particular toothy Mormon Vegas singer. Methinks there might have been ulterior motives in play, though. -RS

TO: Donny Osmond
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

From one Don to another, Donny, we need to get you out there, in a real way. Twenty years since your last hit is too long. Now, I understand you might not think the public is ready for you to reemerge, but you’re wrong, Donny-Boy. Really wrong.

Right now, this very minute, I could get on the facsimile machine and book you a US tour that would take you from Utah to the Florida panhandle, up to Maine, over to California, and back to Utah again. Seventy, eighty shows. And we could do it all in around six weeks, because we’d be playing in under-utilized performance spaces: abandoned Circuit City storefronts. Not inside the stores, mind you; outside them, on the sidewalk. Guerrilla style, like those Rage Against the Machine guys. Set up, play a half hour—”Puppy Love,” “Sacred Emotion,” “Go Away Little Girl,” “One Bad Apple,” “Love Me for a Reason,” maybe a cover of something current, then “Soldier of Love,” done—then pack up and move on to the next place. We could do three or four a day, depending on the routing. Think about it. People hanging around outside abandoned Circuit City storefronts are hungry for your music, and they don’t even know it. (more…)

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Featured, Featured - Frontpage, Music, Unsolicited Career Advice | Comments

Monday, August 10th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … David Lee Roth

by Rob Smith

Unbeknownst to me and many others, Uncle Donnie was an adviser for Van Halen from roughly 1980 through ‘85, when David Lee Roth bolted the band. Apparently, he came aboard to be in charge of their concert merchandise line (including the oft-overlooked Diamond Dave dildos, in six flashy colors—suck on that, Gene Simmons) and wound up running a number of their business affairs. Not sure what led VH to part ways with Uncle Donnie, but this memo, from around ‘85, might offer a clue or two.

TO: David Lee Roth
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

Dave, I know this is a good time for you. The solo EP is selling like hotcakes; you’re all over MTV; you’re on magazine covers galore. I think it’s time you consider a—how to say it?—”Jump” in your career. A quantum leap. Time to “Run with the Devil” and “Dance the Night Away” with success. “Unchain” your potential. You get my drift? If you don’t, um, “I’ll Wait.” Here are some things to consider while I’m waiting:

Leave the band. You don’t need them now; you haven’t needed them since you stopped playing Gazzarri’s for beer money; you’re not going to need them next year, nor will you in ‘88, nor will you in ‘91—do you get the picture? On and on and on, in perpetuity, David Lee Roth is Van Halen. You can pick up a garage band and make them sound great. You can pick up a group of virtuosos and make them sound better. You are the pick that strums the guitar, the stick that hits the drum, the thumb that slaps and pops the bass. Dump ‘em. Go solo, for good. (more…)

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Featured, Featured - Frontpage, Music, Unsolicited Career Advice | Comments

Monday, July 27th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Billy Squier

by Rob Smith

Uncle Donnie apparently had a short-lived career in producing music videos, back in the early days of MTV. Lev let that one slip one night while we were doing shots of Dubra in Cassie Pashenka’s dorm room (Cassie was that rare Russian exchange student who only drank cheap American vodka). Immediately, he tried to pretend he hadn’t said it, but it was too late — I wanted (no, really, I demanded) to know what videos had borne the honor of being produced by the one and only Don Skwatzenschitz. Lev refused to say, except to note that his uncle hadn’t been at it very long when he quit doing it altogether. I forgot about the whole thing, until I came across these two memos from early 1984. -RS

TO: Billy Squier
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career/Video Advice

Bill, I just heard the test pressing of Signs of Life your guy sent over — what a record! Even with all the keyboards and the effects and the overall smaller sound (would it have killed you to let Bobby Chouinard have a damn solo? He’s a monster, man!), it still rocks. You were really able to rein Steinman in, to get to his best essence without all the pomposity and orchestral flourishes. He had a good effect on you, too, particularly on the songwriting front — let’s just say it’s a relief to hear an album of yours without a line like “I can see you comin’ on me.”

The first single has got to be “Rock Me Tonite.” Got to be. It’s got that new-wavy vibe the kids dig, plus there’s enough guitar in there to keep your old fans from throwing Schlitz cans at you when you play the Texxas Jam this year. One thing you need, though — a video. And I’m not talking just the performance clip-type things you did for Don’t Say No and Emotions in Motion. There needs to be a set, with furniture, and something of a concept, all the while giving you the opportunity to swagger, strut, and sashay.

Yes, sashay. You have to learn to dance. It’s a new world out there, Billy-Boy. You’re a rock and roll maniac , but you have to get on the floor and you’ve got to dance like you’ve never danced before. I’ve got just the guy to work with you, though — his name is Kenny Ortega. He choreographed Xanadu. Xanadu, Billy! Gene Kelly! Olivia Newton-John! He’s great, totally perfect for you.

Kenny and I have sketched out a storyboard for a “Rock Me Tonite” video, which I’ve sent along with this memo. Just to give you a little taste, here are some things you’ll be expected to do: (more…)

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Music, Unsolicited Career Advice | Comments

Monday, July 13th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … John Oates

by Rob Smith

It’s interesting to note that, regardless of what he did in the music industry (and what he did is still lost on me) or how much power he was able to wield, Uncle Donnie never got jaded, never lost his enthusiasm as a fan.  Flipping through his correspondence, I am reminded constantly of his deep and abiding love for certain artists, among them Root Boy Slim, the Shaggs, and Billy Squier.  Add to this distinguished list a certain Philly native, as evidenced by the following memo, dated October, 1982. -RS

TO: Oates
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career advice

This afternoon, I heard the future of blue-eyed soul music, and its name was, simply, Oates. Now, I recall seeing you and the blonde guy on stages in various clubs, soup kitchens, and department store openings back eight, ten, twelve years ago. Even then, I listened to you and thought I was hearing the second coming of the Righteous Brothers (this was years before you actually covered  “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling, ” which blew away the original, particularly the  “Baby, baby, I’d get down on my knees for you ” breakdown). In you, my wee friend, I found the new Bill Medley. Of course, Bill was a tall, clean-shaven guy with straight hair and you’re a short, mustachioed fella with curly hair. That’s where the differences end, little buddy.

So what piqued my interest this afternoon? Well, I put on that brand-spankin’-new album H2O and heard my hairy-lipped paisano (that would be you) sing the next Number One record in the country— “Italian Girls. “ Amazing. I don’t know how you do it. Yes, you had me hooked with  “I’m Just A Kid (Don’t Make Me Feel Like A Man). “ You made me cry—weep, just like a little girl—with  “Crazy Eyes. “ I practically melted when you sang  “The Emptyness “ in ‘77 (even though you spelled it wrong). But  “Italian Girls “—with that  “Faccia bella cara mia ” refrain? I am your servant, Oates. Now and always.  Use me to do thy bidding. (more…)

Tags: , , , , , ,
Posted in Music, Unsolicited Career Advice | Comments

Monday, June 15th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … The Ramones

by Rob Smith

As I’ve mentioned previously, Uncle Donnie’s been writing these things for years—decades, even. Lev brings over another box of them every once in a while. This one dates back to 1974, and is notable for the absence of Donnie’s can’t-miss bit of advice about faking one’s demise. It wouldn’t have made sense in this context; the band he’s writing to was pretty well unknown at the time. Enjoy. – RS

TO: The Ramones
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

I’ve got to say, you guys are amazing. I mean, really amazing. You blew my mind at Seymour Stein’s birthday party at Max’s last weekend. I’ve never seen Sy look happier. Joey, you’re so tall. And your set was so … concise! Yes, concise! Thirty-one songs in 17 minutes? I mean, I haven’t been this blown away since I saw the Dead at Golden Gate Park three years ago—a show in which they played for 12 hours (pretty much the opposite of concise), including a two-hour “Turn on Your Love Light!” Do you guys like the Dead? I can get you a tape of the show, if you want one.

You’re right on the verge of something special—I can tell that. It’s my business to be able to tell that. And Sy is very big on you; I wouldn’t be surprised to see you make a record for Sire next year. You’ve got some time to hone some things, though. The world isn’t ready for the Ramones yet, and I’m not entirely certain the Ramones are ready for the world. Things will go a little smoother for you, though, if you consider doing the following: (more…)

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in Music, Unsolicited Career Advice | Comments

 Unsolicited Career Advice 
« Older Entries