Unsolicited Career Advice for … Rick James

Just because you extol the virtues of super freaky girls…and you’re dead…doesn’t mean Uncle Donnie can’t give you a little advice, does it?

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 Unsolicited Career Advice 
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Monday, December 14th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Whitney Houston

by Rob Smith

This recent missive to Clive Davis, major label majordomo and Svengali to the Adult Contemporary set, discusses Uncle Donnie’s ideas for a post-comeback Whitney Houston comeback. Whether Clive or Whitney do anything with his advice is another matter entirely.

This is the last Uncle Donnie memo to be posted in 2009. On behalf of Lev and his uncle, I wish you a happy holiday. See you next year. – RS

TO: Clive Davis
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice for Whitney

Shalom! And a great big Gut Yontiff to you and yours! I hope it’s been a great year for you, what with Kelly coming back into the fold (is she putting on weight for a role? Did some studio finally option the script I did for From Justin to Kelly II: Alexa’s Revenge? I’ll have to check). Getting Whitney out there was a feat of pure chutzpa, as well, though her televised performances left something to—well, let’s just say they had me wishing I could see Bobby Brown scoop poo out of her toochis.

But what can you do, Clive? What can you do? You tried everything—you marketed it perfectly, you got her in the studio with passable songs and half-decent production. There were poppy/dancy tracks and big, melisma-showcasing ballads. She used to knock that stuff out of the park. Maybe she just doesn’t have it anymore. I know, I know—it’s hard to believe, much less have to face yourself, that your little doll, your female side personified for the last 25 years, has turned into a whacked-out, coked-out has-been who can’t hit the high notes anymore. It’s tough to write that, my friend. I imagine it’s even tougher to live it. (more…)

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Monday, November 30th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Steven Tyler

by Rob Smith

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised about this, but Lev brought over this missive in which Uncle Donnie weighs in on the ongoing Aerosmith drama.  -RS

TO: Steven Tyler
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

Steven, let me be the first (or if not the first, the most emphatic) to say it’s about time you do what you’re doing, whatever that is. You’re 61, and you’ve been carrying that band for years, if not decades. I mean, think of all the great moments in Aerosmith history you’ve been responsible for—the bass lick that starts “Sweet Emotion”; the sis-BAM-buh-boom-boom-BAM backbeat in “Walk This Way”; the energy and melody in “Let the Music Do the Talking” (it’s criminal that wasn’t a huge hit); getting hooked up with Run DMC (totally your idea); writing “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.” Where would that band be without you? And who’s responsible for Aerosmith having 14 greatest hits albums to its credit? Seriously, who’s responsible?

And who does Joe Perry think he is? Doesn’t he remember the late Seventies and early Eighties, when he bailed and you carried the band on your back? Has he forgotten the masterpiece of rock and roll that was Rock in a Hard Place? You carried the band on your back so much, you quite often couldn’t make it through shows without passing out! Has Joe Perry shown that much dedication? Granted, he makes a mean hot sauce, but you are the spice of the band.

Small men throw sticks and stones, but they can never break the bones of the true heroes of rock, and you, good man, are a hero of rock. It’s time to move forward. Time to take the next step. I have the answers for you: (more…)

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Monday, November 2nd, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Rush

by Rob Smith

This is a memo written in 1977 to the Canadian management of Rush. If pictures from this period are any indication, Uncle Donnie had taken to sporting a green Mohawk for at least several months that year. -RS

TO: Managers of Rush
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

You, my friends, have a great property in this band Rush. I just saw them the other night at the Fitchburg Theater, and I was really surprised. Well, the first thing that surprised me was the fact that the Vibrators weren’t playing at the Fitchburg—I’d gotten my nights mixed up and missed their concert with Stinky Toys and Métal Urbain. This really sucks, because, as it turned out, most of Stinky Toys got deported back to France after the show. That, and, well, I found out the Vibrators, Stinky Toys and Métal Urbain weren’t even booked at the Fitchburg, but at Needles and Pins, a bar down the street from the Fitchburg. What can I tell you? It was a long week.

Anyway, so I stayed to see Rush and some band called Max Webster put on a hell of a loud show. And even though I realize I’m not exactly the biggest authority on this so-called “progressive” scene (I was the only one in attendance with any kind of nose piercings, but I don’t think anyone else noticed), I think there’s something really special about a band that can perform 15-minute-long songs about space travel and intergalactic politics. And by special, I mean—well, special. Not my usual cup of vinegar, but I didn’t leave early, and that’s saying something.

Now, since I am a member in good standing of this “industry,” such as it is, I feel I am uniquely qualified to offer you some advice on how to best position your property, this band Rush, for maximum effect, both in the U.S. and abroad. Certainly, you’re aware of a new form of revolutionary sound sweeping through England and certain pockets of the U.S.—call it punk rock, call it just punk, call it whatever you want to call it; it’s here to stay, my friends. If you handle Rush properly, you should be able to grab a piece of this uprising and prosper. Here are my ideas: (more…)

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Monday, October 19th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Rick James

by Rob Smith

In 1967, Rick James was just getting out of military prison, having served a year for going AWOL from the Navy, and was pondering a return to music with the Mynah Birds, a band that had been signed to Motown and had briefly included Neil Young on guitar. Few people know that James at this time was a tea-totaling, God-fearing, neatly groomed young man who was shy around women and had never heard of funk. Uncle Donnie intended to set him straight and help him spice up his life and career in this 32-year-old memo. – RS

TO: Rick James
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

Hi, Rick. Don Skwatzenschitz here; we met at the Motown building about a year and a half ago, while you and the Mynah Birds were recording “It’s My Time.” That should have been a hit, but we all know you had to meet your military obligation, and it’s good you ‘fessed up and faced the music, so to speak. Feels good to not having that hanging over your head, doesn’t it? By the way, how’s the food in the Brooklyn Brig?

Rick, you are a singular talent, but it has to be nurtured. I know you’re thinking about going back to Motown, but I ask you to reconsider. There are new musical worlds being discovered in places like San Francisco, Berkeley, and right around the corner from where I’m writing—Haverhill, Massachusetts (we have a swingin’ acid rock collective nearby called Captain Dusty Verkota and His Electric Hookah All-Stars. You should come by and check them out, next time you’re around). Soul music is great—you know me; I’m all about the soul of things. But there are other avenues of expression to consider. And, for God’s sake, don’t act so scared around the ladies! You’re a good-looking guy! (more…)

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Monday, October 5th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Courtney Love

by Rob Smith

Uncle Donnie has a soft spot for lost causes, and there are none more lost than Ms. Love. This recent missive outlines his concerns, and his plans to help her rise again. -RS

TO: Courtney Love
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

You know, dear Courtney, we all feel a little lost sometimes. I remember the two and a half years between Jackson Browne’s Running on Empty and Hold Out records—you were just a kid, but trust me, they were long, lean years with no new JB poetry to get us all through. Jimmy Carter was in the White House, and you could just see the effect Browne’s absence had on him. Everything seemed to go straight to hell, without passing “Go,” without collecting $200 in worthless cash.

But we all snap out of it. In the summer of 1980, I turned on the radio and heard those wonderful words—”Down on the boulevard, they take it hard / They look at life with such disregard.” I wept. Openly. Mitzi and I were in the old Impala, cruising down Highway 1 at night, looking for a place to pull off and have a little shtup, you know? And then I heard the song and all thoughts of shtupping vanished, disappointing Mitzi horribly. But the voice was back, and his new words had … well, they had very little meaning, but I clung to them anyway. Didn’t help Jimmy Carter, though.

But you, Courtney, have taken feeling lost to a whole new level. We all had such hopes for you, too—the brave widow, newly single mom, protecting her husband’s legacy while establishing one of her own. That was before the anus wax meltdown in 2003, and the feud with Dave and Krist, and the Pam Anderson roast, or any of the other numerous breakdowns. The latest breakdown, though—the whole Kurt/Guitar Hero/Bon Jovi thing—is the last straw. We were merely worried about your safety before, dear—now we’re concerned about your sanity. You simply must turn it around—and I have just the plan: (more…)

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Monday, September 21st, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Def Leppard

by Rob Smith

According to Lev, Uncle Donnie served in some capacity in the Def Leppard camp during the recording sessions for Adrenalize, and wound up going out with them on one of the U.S. legs of their ‘92 tour. Became quite close with the band, apparently, though for unknown reasons was never asked back after that leg. This memo, however, reveals they still hold a place in his heart. -RS

TO: Def Leppard
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

First of all, yes—I wanna get rocked. Ha! Remember that, back in ‘92? Man, those were good times. I mean, not great times—Clarky was dead, and everyone felt bad, but didn’t we have a good time hazing poor Vivian? I’ve never had a better time on tour with a rock and roll band. Thanks for including me, and for putting up with Mitzi lifting up her shirt in the front row for 64 shows. It couldn’t have been easy for you, particularly Joe, who would invariably be trying to sing to a babe on one side of Mitz or the other.

Anyway, since we go back a ways, I feel compelled to talk with you about a serious issue, namely, your recording career. It needs to stop. Now. The last two albums prove it, if the previous two or three didn’t. A covers record is typically a sign of desperation, and Yeah! was no exception. Face it, people would rather hear All American Rejects do your songs, or Taylor Swift, or some anonymous kid, or even you, 20 years ago, than to hear you do T. Rex or Bowie covers. Not to mention David-effin’-Essex. “Rock On?” Ain’t no rock to be found there, buddies. (more…)

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Monday, September 7th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Barry Gibb

by Rob Smith

For all the correspondence from Uncle Donnie that we have on record (or in piles in Lev’s basement), it’s worth noting that he could, on occasion, fall out of touch with people.  The trick was to reconnect with those folks before they died.  Barry Gibb was one of the fortunate ones. -RS

TO: Barry Gibb
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

Barry, old pal, how have you been?  It’s been so long since we last saw you at your brother Robin’s birthday party in Miami—what was it, five years ago?  Nine?  I don’t remember much about that night, but I do recall thinking the nude caterers were a bit much.  The spinach balls were lovely, though; Mitzi’s been trying to recreate them in our kitchen ever since.  I tell her the nudity had nothing to do with the quality of the food, but she never listens.

Speaking of my beloved, the other night, she was watching repeats of French television (this satellite TV gets damn near everything), and came upon a performance of “To Love Somebody” by a couple singer/songwriter types, and we got into a discussion about you.  You did such a good job on American Idol a couple years back (though I didn’t quite get the Dr. Zaius costume—was that supposed to be ironic?), yet never capitalized on it.  That’s a shame, particularly if you want to have a place at the table in pop culture these days.  With such an enormous back catalog of hits, you should be out there reminding people of your greatness, and getting new fans to bask in that greatness.  I think I can help you, if you take my advice in several key areas: (more…)

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Monday, August 24th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Donny Osmond

by Rob Smith

So Lev comes over to my place last week—first time he’s been around in a while. We have a few beers and watch Tiger Woods implode, split a calzone from Napoli’s, chat a bit. He gets up to leave and, almost as an afterthought, tells me he has more Uncle Donnie memos in his car. Of course, I get pissed—I would have much rather spent the afternoon reading through Uncle Donnie’s memos than watching golf. Lev probably knew that, but his TV was broken and he really wanted to watch Tiger. Whatever.

This is a recent missive Uncle Donnie sent to one particular toothy Mormon Vegas singer. Methinks there might have been ulterior motives in play, though. -RS

TO: Donny Osmond
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

From one Don to another, Donny, we need to get you out there, in a real way. Twenty years since your last hit is too long. Now, I understand you might not think the public is ready for you to reemerge, but you’re wrong, Donny-Boy. Really wrong.

Right now, this very minute, I could get on the facsimile machine and book you a US tour that would take you from Utah to the Florida panhandle, up to Maine, over to California, and back to Utah again. Seventy, eighty shows. And we could do it all in around six weeks, because we’d be playing in under-utilized performance spaces: abandoned Circuit City storefronts. Not inside the stores, mind you; outside them, on the sidewalk. Guerrilla style, like those Rage Against the Machine guys. Set up, play a half hour—”Puppy Love,” “Sacred Emotion,” “Go Away Little Girl,” “One Bad Apple,” “Love Me for a Reason,” maybe a cover of something current, then “Soldier of Love,” done—then pack up and move on to the next place. We could do three or four a day, depending on the routing. Think about it. People hanging around outside abandoned Circuit City storefronts are hungry for your music, and they don’t even know it. (more…)

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Monday, August 10th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … David Lee Roth

by Rob Smith

Unbeknownst to me and many others, Uncle Donnie was an adviser for Van Halen from roughly 1980 through ‘85, when David Lee Roth bolted the band. Apparently, he came aboard to be in charge of their concert merchandise line (including the oft-overlooked Diamond Dave dildos, in six flashy colors—suck on that, Gene Simmons) and wound up running a number of their business affairs. Not sure what led VH to part ways with Uncle Donnie, but this memo, from around ‘85, might offer a clue or two.

TO: David Lee Roth
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

Dave, I know this is a good time for you. The solo EP is selling like hotcakes; you’re all over MTV; you’re on magazine covers galore. I think it’s time you consider a—how to say it?—”Jump” in your career. A quantum leap. Time to “Run with the Devil” and “Dance the Night Away” with success. “Unchain” your potential. You get my drift? If you don’t, um, “I’ll Wait.” Here are some things to consider while I’m waiting:

Leave the band. You don’t need them now; you haven’t needed them since you stopped playing Gazzarri’s for beer money; you’re not going to need them next year, nor will you in ‘88, nor will you in ‘91—do you get the picture? On and on and on, in perpetuity, David Lee Roth is Van Halen. You can pick up a garage band and make them sound great. You can pick up a group of virtuosos and make them sound better. You are the pick that strums the guitar, the stick that hits the drum, the thumb that slaps and pops the bass. Dump ‘em. Go solo, for good. (more…)

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Monday, July 27th, 2009

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Billy Squier

by Rob Smith

Uncle Donnie apparently had a short-lived career in producing music videos, back in the early days of MTV. Lev let that one slip one night while we were doing shots of Dubra in Cassie Pashenka’s dorm room (Cassie was that rare Russian exchange student who only drank cheap American vodka). Immediately, he tried to pretend he hadn’t said it, but it was too late — I wanted (no, really, I demanded) to know what videos had borne the honor of being produced by the one and only Don Skwatzenschitz. Lev refused to say, except to note that his uncle hadn’t been at it very long when he quit doing it altogether. I forgot about the whole thing, until I came across these two memos from early 1984. -RS

TO: Billy Squier
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career/Video Advice

Bill, I just heard the test pressing of Signs of Life your guy sent over — what a record! Even with all the keyboards and the effects and the overall smaller sound (would it have killed you to let Bobby Chouinard have a damn solo? He’s a monster, man!), it still rocks. You were really able to rein Steinman in, to get to his best essence without all the pomposity and orchestral flourishes. He had a good effect on you, too, particularly on the songwriting front — let’s just say it’s a relief to hear an album of yours without a line like “I can see you comin’ on me.”

The first single has got to be “Rock Me Tonite.” Got to be. It’s got that new-wavy vibe the kids dig, plus there’s enough guitar in there to keep your old fans from throwing Schlitz cans at you when you play the Texxas Jam this year. One thing you need, though — a video. And I’m not talking just the performance clip-type things you did for Don’t Say No and Emotions in Motion. There needs to be a set, with furniture, and something of a concept, all the while giving you the opportunity to swagger, strut, and sashay.

Yes, sashay. You have to learn to dance. It’s a new world out there, Billy-Boy. You’re a rock and roll maniac , but you have to get on the floor and you’ve got to dance like you’ve never danced before. I’ve got just the guy to work with you, though — his name is Kenny Ortega. He choreographed Xanadu. Xanadu, Billy! Gene Kelly! Olivia Newton-John! He’s great, totally perfect for you.

Kenny and I have sketched out a storyboard for a “Rock Me Tonite” video, which I’ve sent along with this memo. Just to give you a little taste, here are some things you’ll be expected to do: (more…)

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 Unsolicited Career Advice 
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