It seems almost mind-blowing to think this now, but at the end of the 1980s there was no bigger star in the pop sky than Bobby Brown: Don’t Be Cruel sold over seven million copies in the United States alone. He was dating pop princess Whitney Houston (they got married in ‘92). He appeared in Ghostbusters II, sparking excitement over a burgeoning acting career. He even made New Edition a big name once again simply by being part of a rumor that he was going to rejoin the group.
Only one problem — Bobby Brown couldn’t stop “being Bobby Brown.” And what more and more people would learn over time was that “being Bobby Brown” meant being a complete fucking idiot:
• When Brown defiantly rapped “Bobby Brown was good to go solo” in the 1989 remix of his top-ten hit “Every Little Step,” he neglected to mention that it really wasn’t his choice: Brown got voted out of New Edition by the other members in early ‘86 because he was giving them a bad image. Specifically, he wouldn’t stop simulating intercourse onstage at their concerts. Solo success only emboldened Brown in this area: while appearing as the musical guest on Saturday Night Live in 1992 to promote Don’t Be Cruel’s follow-up, simply titled Bobby, Brown and two backup dancers spent what seemed like a good 30 seconds of their dance breakdown dry humping the floor. It’s a tradition that Brown proudly carries on to this day, as confirmed by this concert review from Australia’s The Age newspaper last July: “At a very nineties venue in Melbourne last night, a very nineties star arrived to show his diminished legion of fans he still had it. Just what that was is unclear, but one thing’s for sure — he had me in fits of laughter. Who knew watching a former rapper, who’s pushing 40, hump the mike stand, the floor and the air would have such entertainment value?”
• Brown finally rejoined New Edition for 1996’s Home Again and headed out on tour with them. The result was, as I believe the French call it, une piece du merde. Brown left the tour halfway through its scheduled route, partly because of complaints from other members of the group about his well-established humping techniques and for extending his solo sets longer than originally planned. Brown was also put off by the fact that, at least in his own mind, he was a still a solo star. As he explained it — I’m paraphrasing — “I can make 40K a night by myself. Why should I come out here and split that with five other guys?” Reality wouldn’t get in the way of his actual artistic skills, either, as Brown proceeded to fire producers like Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis from his recording sessions, and write and produce his next — and, to date, last — solo album, 1997’s Forever, all by himself. This tank job led to the past decade of Bobby Brown, best known for drug addiction, divorce, and reality TV.
Berry Gordy is a powerful man. Not only did he found Motown Records, building a musical empire that allowed blacks to crossover into what had pretty much been a white-controlled music industry, but almost as amazing, he was able to convince a young Diana Ross that her crap doesn’t stink, and she has not deviated from that belief one iota over the past 45 or so years. In an industry of big egos, the one belonging to Miss Ross (remember, she must be addressed as such or you will be thrown out — and don’t you dare look her in the eyes!) is likely the biggest, and she has wielded it to not only obtain her huge success, but to build herself into a prick so immense that it would make porn stars gasp. Here are but a few examples of Miss Ross in action: