Donkey Kong: “Michelle Obama Is Hot”

Jon: What were your impressions of Ted & the Kennedys? He looked pretty good, considering.

Ted: He did a very good job. Kennedy finished probably his last political speech, and it was nice to hear and see him look so vibrant.

Jon: If, as you say, this was Ted’s last political speech, it was certainly high on emotion…if utterly devoid of substance. It was as though he were running purely on motor memory…how to give a rollicking speech full of Kennedy-esque rhetoric, without actually saying something. I found it interesting to hear him speak within 24 hours of reading news reports of Margaret Thatcher’s rapidly advancing dementia. An era is ending, a generation of leaders is falling by the wayside–and I don’t (merely) mean to be snarky when I note that John McCain is only four years younger than Ted, seven years younger than Thatcher. Chris Matthews put it succinctly: “We have watched a Kennedy grow old.”

Ted: He’s a guy who represents the last of the liberals who have attracted so much ire from the Right. Kennedy’s brand of liberalism (characterized by the term “Big Government”) is one that became increasingly marginalized by both the Right and the DLC since the ’80s. To end up on the stage talking about Obama — whom he supported in the primaries — was a nice passing of the torch to a candidate who’s not a Kennedy liberal or a Clinton/DLC type.

Jon: Interesting perspective you have–though I actually think Obama is more of a Kennedy liberal than he would want to admit to the nation in general.

Ted: I don’t really see the same kind of “Big Government” stuff coming from Obama, but…

Jon: It was fascinating watching the choreography of Ted Kennedy’s appearance play out. Beforehand, Caroline Kennedy, John Kerry and others claimed they didn’t know whether Ted would speak at all, and on MSNBC Olbermann and Matthews seemed not to know either. After allowing that suspense to build, only afterward did Olbermann, without a hint of apology or irony, begin his analysis with, “They told us that speech would be four minutes long”–making clear that they knew the speech would be happening all along. I wonder if Fox made the same effort to build suspense for an audience full of Kennedy-haters; heck, I wonder if Fox showed Ted’s speech without contemporaneous heckling from Hannity. Maybe a Fox viewer can let us know…

Ted: I had a tough time watching Fox for that reason. It seemed like they put the speeches in the background while Hannity, Rove, Hume, whomever, goes on and on about what they think is going to happen, rather than watching a speech and talking about after. Prior to Michelle Obama’s speech, Rove was saying things like “Her role is to give us an insight into Barack, and how these people will act as the first couple.” He kept saying “These people,” and I half expected Robert Downey jr., to pop up in full black face and say: “Huh? What do you mean these people.”

Jon: By the way, I’ve heard the words “Cosby” and “Huxtable” at least four or five times on MSNBC today. Will Barack accept the nomination with a multicolored sweater on, sucking on a Pudding Pop?

Ted: Hahaha. (Gasp) Good lord! Michelle is a year older than I am.

Jon: Well, I definitely feel that I need to be president within the next five years, or else my life will be a failure.

Michelle Obama biographical video is playing.

Jon: She’s really kinda hot. I’m wondering if she’s gonna launch into one of those playful insults of Barack that she seems to like so much. By the way, doesn’t Barack seem to have aged quite a bit since the end of primary season?

Ted: I guess loss of sleep will do that to you. You know, Michelle is kind of hot. I can see why Barack made a move … but by offering to buy ice cream?

Jon: At least he didn’t buy her a falafel…

Ted: Or a Burka.

Jon: My wife’s already weeping with love for Michelle.

Ted: My wife is asleep on the couch.

Craig Robinson is on stage introducing Michelle

Jon: Well, there it is, the Brady Bunch reference.

Ted: That means they are not from Neptune. Or Mars…

Jon: Or Kenya or Indonesia–maybe. Do they get The Brady Bunch in Nairobi?

Michelle Obama’s Speech

Ted: Here’s Michelle! (cue music) Stevie Wonder? Wow! She is hot.

Jon: My wife Gwen says her first impression is that Michelle’s dress is soft and feminine, and shows off her fit upper body. Gwen’s also happy that Michelle’s not trying to look like a political robot wife. As for Michelle’s makeup … Gwen says it’s fantastic — and Cindy McCain should take a lesson.

Ted: Michelle’s hot. She works out …I can tell. And I’m going to hell.

Jon: Calm down. Your wife may be asleep, but she’s right next to you.

Ted: You’re bringing morality into this?

Jon: No, but I’m not ready to plunge into full-blown lust for the wife of a presidential candidate. Though it must be said, maybe Michelle should have entered that beauty contest at the motorcycle rally instead of Cindy.

(Pause)

Jon: Michelle is almost as good a speaker as Barack. She’s also a much better speaker than Bill Clinton’s wife. What was her name again?

Ted: Michelle’s great! She’s warm, intelligent, and it’s clear she hates America.

Jon: Yeah! Why is she wearing green? Isn’t that one of the colors on the Iranian flag? What’s the matter with good old red, white and blue? That’s what Cindy will be wearing.

Ted: Cindy’s wearing a flag? Oh, that’s hot.

Jon: When Michelle talks about her life and then says, “Isn’t that the great American story?” it’s a little too on the nose.

Ted: Too forced? The speech is getting preachy now. Kind of like my introductory post for this feature.

Shot of Joe Biden

Ted: Nice smile, Joe. Nice hair, too. Fucker.

Jon: I love Joe. Almost as much as Michelle — though not in the same way … What? Michelle says she loves this country, and it gets a standing ovation? Is that some sort of revelation?

Ted: I think the Dems finally heard Michelle say she doesn’t hate America.

Big campaign themes in the speech

Ted: Jobs! Health care! Education! End the War! Tell me, when were jobs, education, and health care not part of the Democratic party platform – post-WWII?

Jon: The Democrats need to point out how McCain plays himself as the military hero, but votes against every benefit the vets will deserve when they come home.

Ted: Rachel Maddow was saying on MSNBC that McCain is using his POW status to neutralize, well, everything he might have done wrong in his life and political career.

Jon: That’s the disconnect that hasn’t been pointed up nearly enough so far. You know, the difference between McCain’s image and his actions.

Ted: I hope Obama will point out that disconnect.

Michelle Obama ends her speech by saying: “God bless America.”

Ted: “God Bless America.” There. Democrats aren’t godless.

Jon: There was a fascinating article in the New York Times “Week in Review” section yesterday. It was about how Obama’s story fits into the American iconography of the restless spirit (i.e., trying to make up for not having a father around, or trying to prove something to your father … wandering from place to place, a general rootlessness). That’s what the end of Michelle’s speech reminded me of. It also reminds me of Don Draper on Mad Men. Gwen thinks he’s very hot. So there you have it … Obama is Don Draper. Gwen can have Don for a night, I’ll take Michelle.

Ted: My wife Julie is concerned that I’m leaving her for Michelle ’cause I was singing “The Other Woman” by Ray Parker jr. when I was downloading pictures of her.

And thus endeth the objectification of Michelle Obama. On to Hillaryfest on Tuesday!




  • ozarkmatt

    “Ted: I don’t really see the same kind of “Big Government” stuff coming from Obama, but…”

    Hee hee hee, chuckle, snort.
    I knew reading this series would be good for a few laughs.

    I thought the dress looked awful against the blue background.

    And I never listen to political speeches, you know what any politician is going to say. I like to just watch looking at body language cues, shots of the audience, etc. and you get a far better feel for that with sound off.

    Like I said on a board last night, she hit the home run she needed, she preached to choir most effectively. I saw a lot of crying women shots and the men clapped very forcefully.

    She does have the same problem that her husband does, her eyes never left that teleprompter for more than a second or two. But her arm and hand motions were Clinton-esque in conveying emotion.

    As for the content of the speech? Let me guess. “Hope.” “Change.” “Kill Whitey.” (or at least tax him back to the stone age). Was I close?

  • JohnHughes

    Careful, your hood is showing!

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  • http://www.popdose.com Ted

    You said it yourself, you never listen to political speeches, so what's the point of even bothering with what she said. Oh right, you make up you mind based on body language. You must have “read” one of Michelle's finger points as a gun pointed at your head, huh.

  • Elaine

    (just a reminder — removing comments doesn't delete them from the in-boxes of those of us who subscribe to rss feeds.) ahem.

    I just have a request. If you guys are going to post how “hot” Hillary is tonight, please tell me now, so I can have a shot at avoiding properly. I definitely do not want.

  • http://www.popdose.com Zack

    I'm amazed at how quickly the assassination plot has fallen off the radar. I know there's a lot going on with the convention and all, but that seems like a story the news organizations would be wetting their pants over.

  • ozarkmatt

    Ooooh, getting called a Klansman!! Whoo hoo.
    I think it was PJ O Rourke that said you know you scored a point against
    a liberal when you get referred to as a klansman. The only higher honor
    would have been if you called me a Nazi.

    But yeah, you don't need to hear any of these speeches for either of
    these conventions.

    The Ds will go with McCain=Bush=Hitler, Hope and Change.

    Reps will go with Obama=young punks on your lawn and 9-11.

    The rest is just filler and working up the base to get out there and
    pound pavement.

    I know you guys lapped up the “Hope & Change” kool-aid a while back
    (when was that Eddie Money interview first published?), so I expect
    nothing more here. But, I will enjoy reading these posts. I just hope
    you don't disappoint and bail out of the Republican one – I can't wait
    to read the vitriolic analysis.

    And the insult is “Careful, your SHEET is showing.” Sheet, not hood.

  • ozarkmatt

    I agree, that should have been a big one. As well as the guy that had all the cyanide, was it last week or so ago? And I have a friend that got hit with an overshot of pepper spray last night. I haven't seen much about that either today.
    As usual, the stuff going on around a convention is FAR more interesting and newsworthy than what goes on inside.

    I can't imagine the security tonight when Hillary takes the stage.

  • http://www.popdose.com DwDunphy

    In a nasty piece of counter-programming, McCain's ad brigade are running a new one tonight, head-to-head with Hillary's speech. Only this one is a lovingly puzzled montage of Hillary's most negative slams to Obama. I wonder if this will, at all, make candidates worry once and for all about getting too rough on their own party members at primary time.

    I don't like Joe Biden much. He seems like a decent, stand-up kind of guy but he's also as inside as a politician gets. His presence on the ticket lacks that 'change' dynamic. I hope I'm wrong on that one, but I can definitely see the GOP Mud Patrol having plenty to fling once the conventions are done.

    I suppose it was necessary to have Ted Kennedy's speech, and by most standards it was the inspirational pass of the baton that it was intended to be. The physical effects of his surgery made me a little queasy, but that can be neatly spun – nothing was going to stop him from seeing this happen.

    And in the Department Of The Ridiculous, John McCain… Daddy Yankee… Daddy Yankee… John McCain. Yeeeeaaaah, right. That's so totally his base.

  • http://www.popdose.com DwDunphy

    Look, I'm not one of these “Liberal Media!” screamers, but I think the news organizations… hell, anyone who has a vested interest in the First Amendment, kind of wants this convention to go on tragedy free. It's not helping them to pump up what we already know – there are sick people out there ready to revisit the school book depository.You'll get more of this story AFTER the convention, I believe.

  • http://www.popdose.com DwDunphy

    Nah, Hill's about as hot as a polar bear humping an igloo. We're probably safe.

  • JohnHughes

    I removed it because I figured, gee, why bother?

    Seems I was right.

  • JohnHughes

    So claiming Michelle Obama's speech equals “Kill whitey” isn't racist?

    Explain, please.

  • http://www.popdose.com DwDunphy

    The conventions as much about self-aggrandizement as they are advertising. No, the speeches aren't going to be earth shattering and historic and memorable. Michelle's time at mic was to soften her image and it was as effective as it possibly could be – meaning little at all. Everyone who thought she was secretly, but not discreetly, radical before will feel the same way now. It wouldn't make a damn bit of difference even if she said she was a huge Faith Hill / Tim McGraw fan.

    But let's not kid ourselves here. Cindy McCain sprained her hand while dealing with the unwashed masses last week. She'll probably get mic time too, and when that happens let's hope she doesn't announce that Cyberdyne's Skynet is now a go and all our base belong to her.

  • http://www.popdose.com DwDunphy

    Because she meant Whitey Ford. Just doesn't like baseball much.

  • Elaine

    I'd say you would have been. Now it's just a gotcha point more than anything. But probably should have thought better of going there regardless, no?

  • JohnHughes

    Maybe – arguing over politics via the internet on a pop culture website does seem pointless, but when something like that is put out there, my superhero side sometimes overrides logic.

  • Elaine

    I pray you're right. ;)

    Did you see Glamour magazine's Ode to Hillary's Pantsuits? That's gotta hurt.

    http://www.abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=5656295

  • ozarkmatt

    Hee.

  • Elaine

    The very huge rumors earlier this summer that there was video of her condemning “whitey” didn't pan out, but a lot of people were under the impression that it did exist. Clearly his comment was as a notation of the pop culture zoo surrounding that almost-scandalous episode. Jeramiah White saying “God Damn America” doesn't help, either.

  • ozarkmatt

    “rac·ism – a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race”

    So no, that wouldn't apply. And I did not say her speech equals “Kill Whitey.” You have to look at the whole phrase/ “Kill Whitey. (or at least tax him back to the stone age)” is a over the top simplification of the standard Democrat argument, in that – most (if not all) of the problems in this world are caused by America. And most (if not all) of the problems in America are caused by a certain subset of white males. So if you can't eliminate that subset, tax the hell out of them to make them “pay their fair share” or whatever clap-trap a liberal uses to justify confiscating private property.

  • JohnHughes

    Fair enough – actually, when I first read your comment, I was really taken aback, because I recognize your handle and thought you brought a lot to various topics. As Elaine noted above, I see that I missed a *nudgenudge* jokey reference to something going around earlier this year. Before Elaine noted it, though, I even had my own doubts that you meant what you typed as it stood out, so I deleted my original response. But since y'all called it out, I figured let's put it back up and hash it out. Glad we did!

  • ozarkmatt

    'Tis all cool amigo . . . .

  • http://www.popdose.com Zack

    And a barrage of pretzels…

    http://popdose.com/eight-great-ways-to-piss-off

  • JonCummings

    Man, don't bring Eddie Money into this. Though I appreciate your long memory…

  • JonCummings

    Elaine, just for you I'm working on building up a jones for Hillary. I don't know if it'll take, though…

  • http://www.popdose.com DwDunphy

    So, what, Captain Jack will get you by tonight?

  • http://www.popdose.com DwDunphy

    Whiii – Teee.
    Whiii – Teee.

  • Elaine

    ::shudder::

    duuuuuuude

  • JonCummings

    I don't know what you're talking about. I've never done anything like that in my whole life…

    Not involving Hillary, anyway…

  • andrewwang

    Speaking of First Lady Michelle Obama:

    Michelle Obama is a racial-minority individual, and in her heart and mind she inevitably does not endorse hate crimes committed by George W. Bush.

    George W. Bush committed hate crimes of epic proportions and with the stench of terrorism (indicated in my blog).

    George W. Bush did in fact commit innumerable hate crimes.

    And I do solemnly swear by Almighty God that George W. Bush committed other hate crimes of epic proportions and with the stench of terrorism which I am not at liberty to mention.

    Many people know what Bush did.

    And many people will know what Bush did—even to the end of the world.

    Bush was absolute evil.

    Bush is now like a fugitive from justice.

    Bush is a psychological prisoner.

    Bush has a lot to worry about.

    Bush can technically be prosecuted for hate crimes at any time.

    In any case, Bush will go down in history in infamy.

    Submitted by Andrew Yu-Jen Wang
    B.S., Summa Cum Laude, 1996
    Messiah College, Grantham, PA
    Lower Merion High School, Ardmore, PA, 1993

    “GEORGE W. BUSH IS THE WORST PRESIDENT IN U.S. HISTORY” BLOG OF ANDREW YU-JEN WANG
    _____________________
    I am not sure where I had read it before, but anyway, it is a linguistically excellent statement, and it goes kind of like this: “If only it were possible to ban invention that bottled up memories so they never got stale and faded.” Oh wait—off the top of my head—I think the quotation came from my Lower Merion High School yearbook.

  • andrewwang

    Speaking of First Lady Michelle Obama:

    Michelle Obama is a racial-minority individual, and in her heart and mind she inevitably does not endorse hate crimes committed by George W. Bush.

    George W. Bush committed hate crimes of epic proportions and with the stench of terrorism (indicated in my blog).

    George W. Bush did in fact commit innumerable hate crimes.

    And I do solemnly swear by Almighty God that George W. Bush committed other hate crimes of epic proportions and with the stench of terrorism which I am not at liberty to mention.

    Many people know what Bush did.

    And many people will know what Bush did—even to the end of the world.

    Bush was absolute evil.

    Bush is now like a fugitive from justice.

    Bush is a psychological prisoner.

    Bush has a lot to worry about.

    Bush can technically be prosecuted for hate crimes at any time.

    In any case, Bush will go down in history in infamy.

    Submitted by Andrew Yu-Jen Wang
    B.S., Summa Cum Laude, 1996
    Messiah College, Grantham, PA
    Lower Merion High School, Ardmore, PA, 1993

    “GEORGE W. BUSH IS THE WORST PRESIDENT IN U.S. HISTORY” BLOG OF ANDREW YU-JEN WANG
    _____________________
    I am not sure where I had read it before, but anyway, it is a linguistically excellent statement, and it goes kind of like this: “If only it were possible to ban invention that bottled up memories so they never got stale and faded.” Oh wait—off the top of my head—I think the quotation came from my Lower Merion High School yearbook.

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