Earmageddon, Part Two: Wingmageddon Continued

Welcome to Part Two of Earmageddon!

If you’re just joining us, you might want to take a second to review Part One. Please, I implore you, review Part One. Take a few minutes to truly feel my pain.

Okay, ready to continue? Great. So as I mentioned in the last post, very few days have gone by where Jeff hasn’t mentioned Wing to me. He’s sent me links to her albums on eMusic and interrupted perfectly civil IM conversations with either “Wing!” or “Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!” He even changed his IM chat message to “Wing is for the children,” which meant that every single time I logged on, whether I was talking to him or not, I was reminded that all Jeff wanted out of life was for me to write a post on Wing.

Jeff has a very, very empty life.

Anyway, so last Sunday morning, I heard my computer chirping.

Jeff: Hey, if your phone rings around 7 o’clock tonight, do me a favor and answer it.
Jeff: Scratch that. 5 o’clock tonight.

Here’s the massively messed-up part: I already knew what he was up to. See, when I did my research on Wing, I saw the following special offer:

Buy any full price CD (US$15 each, as listed below) and pay just $3 more – a total of US $18, and Wing will sing live just for you over the telephone. (You can have Wing sing to a friend instead if you wish.) Bookings must be made in advance – see requirements below.)

My first thought was well, shit, I know what I’m getting Jeff for his birthday next May!

So the minute I saw Jeff’s IM, I knew exactly what was up. And this is why I both love and hate Jeff: he has no problem with dropping a total of, like, $30 just to annoy me.

But because I hate him more than I love him, I responded as such:

Jason: I don’t think I’m going to be around to pick up my phone at 5 PM tonight.
Jeff: Unacceptable.
Jason: Maybe you can ask Wing if she can call me at another time?
Jeff: !!!
Jeff: You fucker!

Finally, for a brief moment, I was the one doing the happy dance.

Jeff was upset that I had spoiled the “surprise,” but like me, he was somewhat amused/creeped out that we both had the same idea. Either way, I had about 7 hours before I’d be hearing from the one, the only … Wing. Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing.

4:45 PM. I hook up my cell phone to a recorder and some headphones, sit down and eagerly await the call from New Zealand’s national treasure. 5 o’clock rolls around, and my cell phone is silent. 5:15. A million questions roll through my mind.

What the hell is going on?

Maybe Jeff gave her the wrong number.

Maybe she got hit by a truck.

Gasp! Maybe she’s not calling me at all, and Jeff is just making me sit around, waiting for her!

I bet it probably would have been a recording anyway. No way is she just sitting in New Zealand, singing for people over the phone.

Screw this, I’m making dinner.

I disconnect my cell phone from the recorder and headphones, and go off to chop vegetables.

5:32: RING! WING! I rush back in, hook everything back up to the cell phone, and, well, listen in, won’t you?

Wing Calls Jason at Home (download)

I ask you: is that awesome or is that awesome? I received a real live phone call from Wing! And a kick-ass performance of “Dancing Queen”! Okay, maybe she was late on a few cues and forgot some of the words, but at this point, I am so far from being critical of her. Because once I talked to her on the phone, I found myself inexplicably charmed by this sweet woman. She may be in on the joke. She may not be in on the joke. Either way, she’s making some sort of a living and bringing smiles to people’s faces. No, I’m not going to listen to her for pleasure, but consider me a Wing fan.

Oh, and did you hear that SHE’S COMING TO NEW YORK?

Popdosers, this is your chance to become a part of Earmageddon. If you’re within two hours of New York City between October 19th and 22nd, we want you to join us for a night of Wing. Jeff’s going to come down from New Hampshire. All sorts of Popdose staffers will be there. (They may not know it yet, but trust me, they’ll be there.) Once the dates are finalized and appear on her website, we’ll pick an evening, go out for a big Popdose dinner, and then … prepare for Wingmageddon. Mark the dates down now, and we’ll get back to you as soon as we know more information.

Thanks for reading! And do you have a suggestion for the next edition of EARMAGEDDON? If so, keep it to yourself.

  • http://www.popdose.com Ted

    I'd sooner cut my own throat with a spork.

    Ted was playing Wing's covers of a few Beatles tunes for me yesterday, and it was entirely too painful.

    (This is Ted's wife, J, but I can't get my computer to accept that I'm not him. Hardly fair.)

  • http://popdose.com MatthewBolin

    God, I'd hate to be a sucker who doesn't know he ….
    Wait a minute. I'm IN New York…..
    Wait a minute, I'm a Popdose staffer…..
    Wait a minute, I've got no plans those nights…..
    Oh my God!! Son of a….!

    Well then, here's a suggestion for a future Earmageddon:
    (Don't let the allmusic rating fool you. It's really bad.)

  • http://www.grayflannelsuit.net/ GrayFlannelSuit

    I like how you censored yourself by calling Jeff a “d-bag”, as if she'd have any clue what a douchebag is.

    Also, I'm pretty sure that performance ripped a hole in the space-time continuum.

    Also also, I'm seriously tempted to join you guys in NY. I'll just have to find a way to explain it to my wife. Maybe I'll tell her I'm going to get a hand job from some random homeless guy – at least that's more dignified than admitting to seeing Wing.

  • http://www.popdose.com Ted

    Jason, you are one of the luckiest guys on the face of the earth! And Jeff is a generous lover. I thought the voicemail message from Samuel L. Jackson telling me to stop “Waxing my bald head” and go see Snakes on a Plane was awesome, but clearly a live phone call from Wing who sang to you can't even compare.

  • WHarrisBullzEye

    Oh. My. God.

    Words can't do justice to the sheer awesomeness of that performance. You're right: there's something that's just so darned sweet about Wing that you just want to give her a big ol' hug.

  • JohnHughes

    Your tiny, excited little “This is awesome” betrays your true joy!


  • http://www.popdose.com DwDunphy

    Well, I know I'm not one of those expected Popdose staffers. See, Wing is such a ray of light, and I'm such a negative, cynical wretch, that if we actually inhabited the same space for any period of time… Well, let's just say that they could have saved all that money CERN spent on the Hadron Collider and just waited for our own personal black hole to form and collapse the universe.

    By the way, that Hadron Collider thing? We're all gonna die.

  • http://www.jasonhare.com jasonhare

    I forgot to mention this in my post, but after she called, I called Jeff, and he said to me, “It cost me 18 dollars!” I took this to mean “Look how much I spent on this stupid phone call,” but he quickly followed up with “can you believe that's all it cost?” Generous indeed!

  • http://www.popdose.com DwDunphy

    I'd like to see if Lou Reed would match that proposal.

  • http://www.popdose.com Zack

    That was pure awesomeness.

  • EightE1

    You mean she didn't know “What A Fool Believes?”


  • http://avarana.blogspot.com MarlboroTestMonkey7

    Now we know what's the sound of the Hadron Collider at full potency.

  • Old_Davy

    There's not enough saki in the world…

  • Maxus

    OK, here's the deal: Wing is not a “singer”. Tecnically, she is actually a kind of highly advanced human flute. My theory: she pushes the air stream up the trachea from the lungs like all of us but the air is then forced AROUND the vocal cords rather than between them. Wing: a miracle of music AND science.

  • http://avarana.blogspot.com MarlboroTestMonkey7

    Somehow your logical explanation doesn't make it less dire. Argh!

  • Maxus

    Probably because my “logical explanation” is pure BS. Fly on, little Wing.

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  • DDay1971

    Just coming back to this post after I heard about album #16: Beat It !!
    Yes folks, it includes the MJ classic…

    I'm wondering, did she ever make it to New York?

  • http://dbreakdown.blogspot.com DDay1971

    Just coming back to this post after I heard about album #16: Beat It !!
    Yes folks, it includes the MJ classic…

    I'm wondering, did she ever make it to New York?

  • http://dbreakdown.blogspot.com DDay1971

    Just coming back to this post after I heard about album #16: Beat It !!
    Yes folks, it includes the MJ classic…

    I'm wondering, did she ever make it to New York?

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