REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION SCHEDULE
September 2, 2004
6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting Your Kid A Military Deferment”
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: “Mercury, It's What's for Dinner”
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: “The Homos Are After Your Children”
8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: “Corporations: The Government of the Future”
9:00 PM Condoleeza Rice sings “Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man”
9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM EPA Address #2: “Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires”
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Karl Rove: “Doublespeak Made Easy”
10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration: How to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark deer in headlights stare
10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of Black Republicans
10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM Seminar #3: “Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy”
11:10 PM Hillary Clinton Piñatas
11:20 PM Second John Ashcroft Lecture:”Evolutionists — The Dangerous New Cult”
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 PM Blame Clinton
11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM Closing Prayer, led by Jesus
12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

As for Creationism and You…I have nothing to say.

Meanwhile, no one speaks of how Palin failed her daughter by not teaching her anything about safe sex. Or no sex. Huh.

As for Troopergate (hadn't heard about that one yet), hey, what's the point in having power if you're not going to use it for personal, petty means?

A cute young Obama supporter came by my house the other day, wearing the ugliest dress I've ever seen. They need to do something about that, because they're sending a bad, anti-fashion message by setting these people loose on the streets.

I dunno, man. I think the fact that employers decide the maternity leave limit is beyond wrong and indicative of a country that has severely lost the plot. Why are our kids all idiots these days? Because we put them in daycare where they are exposed to other little devils and come home able to curse in three languages before they've hit kindergarten. Then, of course, we leave them alone all day after school to get into as much trouble as they can without their parents finding out. No accountability and, thus, you have the Juno scenario spreaking like wildfire and parents like Palin afraid to admit they fucked up or that there's a problem.

Palin will do nothing but legitimize something that most parents would be (rightfully) embarrassed about .

It's sad to say it but my generation suck as parents.

Roosevelt and Churchill had no leverage over Stalin at Yalta–would you suggest that the US and UK should have fought their way through the Soviet Army that had occupied Eastern Europe by '45? Truman (and Kennan, as I said before) deserve credit for creating the containment policy that Dems and Republicans alike followed throughout the Cold War. JFK's handling of the Cuban Missile Crisis has gone into history as his finest moment–and everyone knows by now that those missiles were being taken out of Turkey anyway (didn't you see Thirteen Days?).

As for LBJ and Carter, I didn't say they did the SMART thing or the RIGHT thing, but you can't call them appeasers.

You clearly share the goofy opinion that Reagan's “brilliance” in defense-spending us nearly into oblivion was single-handedly responsible for destroying the Soviet Union, and that Democrats were “weak” for wanting to limit that spending and cool down Reagan's rhetoric. Well, you can hero-worship Reagan all you want, but the Soviets did themselves in far more than anything Reagan accomplished.

As for Palin, I'm the farthest thing from a barefoot-and-pregnant sexist when it comes to these issues, but I still question her judgment in the circumstances in which she's placed herself.

First, I certainly did not know of your taking time off to take care of your children. I greatly admire that and would never criticize your decision to do that. Quite the contrary. You obviously take your parenting seriously and I respect that.

I did read your thoughts on Palin remaining home, however, as a startling assertion from someone to the left of center. Perhaps I read it wrong, but that's how I read it.

As far as appeasement, I was thinking of FDR at Yalta, as well, as some instances afterward. I was also thinking of the wholesale takeover of Eastern Europe that went on without a real response from our side (Truman).

LBJ is a good example for your side, but he was an aberration and he lost all support from his party because of it. I wouldn't say that the Democrats were behind the Vietnam War or an agressive stance against Communist gains in Asia.

As for Carter's Olympics Boycott, that was a feeble response. It cost the Soviet Union nothing and only hurt the US athletes who would've competed. It didn't even serve as an effective piece of PR.

A main turning point of the Soviet Union's power and stability – in addition to their faltering economy – was the Afghanistan War. The movers behind that were Reagan and people like Charley Wilson. Wilson was yet another Democrat who acted against the rest of his party, which made his efforts all the more remarkable.

Lastly, before you bring out the Cuban Missile Crisis – it has emerged recently that JFK made a secret deal with Khruschev to take out our missiles from Turkey in exchange for ending their missile installments in Cuba. JFK did not face down the USSR, despite what we were all told for almost 40 years.

Again, I want to state that I meant no disrespect to you personally as a father. It must have been difficult to take time off not only once, but twice. Still, I'm sure you did it knowing it was the right thing to do.

I'm going to stick my head back into my talking-point ass now.

all the best
Jon

Kind of like the 2000 election when Democrats cited States Rights and Republicans suddenly got behind Federal Power.

all the best
Jon

As for Palin, her husband and her Down Syndrome baby, you're launching accusations of sexism and asking “Why couldn't the father help take care of the child?” at someone who abandoned my career twice to take care of my children while my wife pursues her career. HOWEVER, my wife took as much maternity leave as possible with our completely healthy children–longer than four months on each occasion–and then returned to work on a reduced schedule.

I've been out of the '50s for a while. (In fact, I was never in them.) And while I have nothing (much) against Palin having returned to work quickly as governor of Alaska (which I imagine can be handled as a 9-to-5 job when necessary), I question her priorities in the current circumstances.