My judgment is based upon the outstanding evidence. The boy is four years old. All his friends are sporting nice heads of hair and little Cai is just as bald as the day he was crowning. Is his mom worried? Not at all! Anyone else would have had him checked out by now, but maybe she’s too busy cooking up the bathtub gin to notice her baby boy’s globe is all lobe and no shrub. Now I had to discredit the obvious conclusion, that Caillou has cancer. His mom sucks, but she can’t suck that much. I also had to pass on the notion our little man was the bastard child of her lost weekend with Patrick Stewart. Sure, he’s swarthy and irresistible, but she’s a cartoon and, frankly, I’m not sure how the biology works out there, do you?
So I needed to take matters into my own hands, and by that, I mean I had to look over at WebMD to see what the hell was wrong with Caillou before I sic’ed DYFS on Caillou’s mommy’s negligent keister. Here are five possible reasons for his still chilly, unpopulated cranium.
5. Tinea capitis, commonly known as ringworm of the scalp, is a fungal infection often seen in children. It can show up in a number of ways, but often as scaly patches of hair loss on the head. I’ve seen Caillou’s house. What a pig sty — looks like someone drew on the walls and never bothered to wipe them clean.
4. Alopecia areata is a non-contagious condition of hair loss thought to be caused by the body’s immune system attacking the hair follicles. It is characterized by the sudden appearance of round or oval patches of hair loss. A genetic condition, this may very well have been passed on from Caillou’s daddy, whoever he really is.
3. Trichotillomania is hair loss caused by the child pulling, plucking, twisting, or rubbing his or her hair. The hair loss is patchy and characterized by broken hairs of varying length. It could also be from wearing headgear just a bit too tightly. At least it hasn’t caused skull deformities…like poor Linus.
2. Telogen effluvium is a condition in which a sudden or severe stress — such as extremely high fever, surgery under general anesthesia, the death of a loved one, a severe injury, or the use of certain prescription medications — interrupts the normal cycle of hair growth. The trauma also could have been brought on if Caillou caught mommy playing “find the monkey” with The Man In The Yellow Hat.
1. In some children the cause of hair loss is hypothyroidism, a condition in which the thyroid is underactive and is producing an insufficient amount of thyroid hormones required for regulating metabolism. This probably means putting l’il Cai on meds that will help the hair grow but will also cause him to get fatter. I guess it doesn’t matter because, either way, Caillou is doomed to a life of alienation and lonliness, shunned by his peers and ostracized for his differences. Thanks, WebMD. You totally bummed me out.