If you’re holding your breath for the day MTV starts playing music videos again, let it go. It’s never going to happen, not while there’s a solitary teen mom left in America to exploit (and really, it’s 2010. Is there any other kind of mom anymore?)
But who needs MTV in the digital age? We’re here, the time’s right, and the videos are waiting for us. So set the way-way-back machine for 1986, strap on your shoulder pads, poof up that hair and layer those jackets. It’s time to rock.
Daryl Hall – Dreamtime: ’86 is when the overall testosterone level of the nation began to plummet. How could I make that assumption? Daryl Hall provides one of the very few rockin’ moments this evening. Epic Win.
The Dream Academy – Life In A Northern Town: A heyo, nah, nah, nah, a nino nayah, potato, nah, nah, nah, a no papaya…
Van Halen – Why Can’t This Be Love: Here’s a short list of why – syphilis. That is all.
Jermaine Stewart – We Don’t Have To Take Our Clothes Off: Because I have an awesome dry cleaner that’ll get out those stains faster than you can say, “Oops, I’m done.”
Janet Jackson – Nasty: This was part four in a series of seven, starting with “Hasty,” “Pasty,” “Zesty,” “Musty,” “Zeppo” and “Bashful.”
Miami Sound Machine – Conga: Jeez, that lead singer in Miami Sound Machine is a dead ringer for Gloria Estefan. Do they know that Gloria Estefan totally stole this chick’s act? I’d sue, I tells ya.
Peter Cetera – Glory Of Love: He’ll take you to his castle far away – a castle made of cheese. It’s really high-end cheese, but even so.
Robert Palmer – Addicted To Love: I don’t think it was “love” that gave those models that dead, robotic look, do you?
Mr. Mister – Broken Wings: How much must it suck to be Mr. Mister? Bands are getting debated about for contention for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Mr. Mister gets name-dropped in a Train song. All that remains is to be pelted to death with dirty diapers.
Klymaxx – I Miss You: So smooth, you’d hydroplane straight to MOR hell and never realize it until you had a pitchfork up your bum.
And your Number One song for the year is…
Dionne Warwick with Gladys Knight, Elton John and Stevie Wonder – That’s What Friends Are For: If you combined this with “Wind Beneath My Wings,” “Celebration,” and “The Chicken Dance,” you’d have every New Jersey wedding since 1986. I mean that most sincerely; it’s like a freaking law somewhere around here.