If you’re holding your breath for the day MTV starts playing music videos, let it go. It’s never going to happen, not while there’s still a Crib left to plunder, Mr. Yo.

But who needs MTV in the digital age? We’re here, the time’s right, and the videos are waiting for us. So set the way-way-back machine for 1987, strap on your shoulder pads, poof up that hair and layer those jackets. It’s time to rock.

Bruce Willis – Respect Yourself: How in the world could this song be the subject of this video sung by this person and still be “Respect Yourself?”

Expose – Let Me Be The One: 1987 was the year of the glamorous female singer/group. That’s about all I’ve got in regard to this video.

Bon Jovi – Wanted Dead Or Alive: Kids, take a look at this hair and understand why our current cancer rates have skyrocketed. I’m not saying you should blame Bon Jovi. I’m not saying you shouldn’t. Just take a good suck off your oxygen tank before you walk to the school bus.

ABC – When Smokey Sings: There is a small but strong contingent of ABC fans on the Popdose staff, so I do not dare snark on this video. But if I do, hoo boy! I mean, HOO BOY! I… uh… This is nice.

Madonna – La Isla Bonita: Last night, I dreamt of some bagels. Just like the night before at the donut store.

Samantha Fox – Touch Me (I Want Your Body): Imagine the shock of all the horny males of 1987 – Wait, she’s a singer?! I thought she was just a poster!

Genesis – Land Of Confusion: Think we could get Genesis to tour again if we substituted Phil Collins with his Spitting Image puppet? We can make this happen, people. You just gotta believe!

Tiffany – I Think We’re Alone Now: True confession time. I bought the Tiffany album even though I couldn’t stand her music. Why? She was cute and teenage boys are stupid. This should explain the meteoric rise of Katy Perry.

Whitesnake – Here I Go Again: There ought to be a law against brooding meaningfully into the camera during a music video. David Coverdale doesn’t seem intense as much as he appears to really be trying to pass the eye exam.

And your Number One song of 1987…

The Bangles – Walk Like An Egyptian: The Bangles. Dancing. In Egyptian two-piece garb. It’s a miracle the males of the species ever left their bedrooms that year.