In the ever-evolving column we call Friday Night Videos!, there’s always room for expansion. This week, with Thanksgiving vittles solidly out of our systems (and it took a whole two weeks, and one round of Mellowmas to do it!), and holiday parties with loads of “comfort food” increasing the vast waistband of pop culture, expansion continues.
When we began the staff tabulation, the obvious (to all but me) inclusion would be the percentile ranking. This week, you’ll find out how the videos did in our ever-so-democratic voting process. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll sing “Last Christmas” like it was going out of style (and, oddly enough, we thought it had).
Ready to play the Match Game? “The Popdose Reader took a look at the videos from 1992 and cried, these are all BLANK…”
Mit der Six Votes!
Baby Got Back – Sir Mix-A-Lot: A video asstacular of enormous proportions.
One – U2: The last temptation of St. Bono.
Five Golden Votes!
My Lovin’ (You’re Never Gonna Get It) – En Vogue: The concept of this song is very much the same concept as when you pretend to throw the ball and the dog goes after it, only you didn’t throw the ball. However, in the real world, you’re not allowed to pee on said trickster’s foot, and thus explains the inequality of the universe. Stephen Hawking would agree.
Too Funky – George Michael: It’s like Vogue got into a slapfight with Glamour and splashed Max Factor foundation all over your monitor!
Jump Around – House of Pain: A thousand Adam Sandler movies are eternally grateful you took the time to soundtrack ‘em, House of Pain.
Tennessee – Arrested Development: We were so disappointed to find there wasn’t a single appearance by Tennessee Tuxedo anywhere in this video. False advertising? Yes!
November Rain – Guns ‘N Roses: How odd that the bride called the wedding off in the video. Axl’s been doing the same to G’N'R audiences ever since.
Remember The Time – Michael Jackson: I personally blame this video for The Mummy, parts 1 through 3.
Damn! I Wish I Was Your Lover – Sophie B. Hawkins: Kids, Sophie B. Hawkins was yesterday’s Natasha Bedingfield.
Set Adrift On Memory Bliss – P.M. Dawn: I know this much is true – I sure miss P.M. Dawn.
Mysterious Ways – U2: No, it is not alright. It’s not alright. Not alright! Now you march straight into your room until you learn to be more polite, Bono!
I Can’t Make You Love Me – Bonnie Raitt: Apparently, there’s no official video available for this song so we’ve opted to not include it. However, if you want to see a really good live version, check it out here.
Three! Three Video Votes! Agh, Agh, Aghhhh!
Friday I’m In Love – Cure: Embedding? I’m In Doubt! (But you can see it here.)
And your #1 for the year is…
End of the Road – Boyz II Men: Aw baby, it ain’t what it looks like. I was just checkin’ my fly, that’s all. And it just came out. It’s just fell out and you caught me out of… you know… out of… what’s the word? Context, out of context. Aww, yeah.
But if you forgive me, baby, if you take me back, I’ll eat scotch bonnet peppers until my soul begs forgiveness. I’ll eat the shards of glass that came out of the picture frame you threw at me, the one with the picture of me and your friend Shaquandaqueesa – I MEAN, the one of You and your friend Shaquandaqueesa!
I will sit on the top of your roof in a thunderstorm wearing nothing but my gold chains, a wire connected to my balls and a smile because, even if I’m about to fry my boys Ben Franklin style, I’ll prove the depths of my love to you, Shaquandaqueesa — I mean, Loquaciajazzma! My love will know no greater expression, so PLEEEASE! Just TAKE ME BaaAACK!!
But our #1 for the year, with a flannel-flailing nine votes is…
Smells Like Teen Spirit – Nirvana: Remember how, in seventh grade, after Madonna’s MTV takeover, every girl in school wore the black lace shirt, the scrunchy hair and the neon bands? The same goes for this video. The day after, every red-blooded American boy arrived in school transformed, wearing black lace shirts, scrunchies in their hair and neon bands on their wrists.
The public school system is doomed.