gross-off: the batman limited edition cereal

Written by Consumerism, Junk Food

You know, I’ve never cared much about Halloween. Even as a kid, the candy didn’t excite me as much as it did my friends — I quit dressing up to go trick-or-treating in fifth grade.

But now that I’m all grown up, I love Halloween. Not because I get to pass out candy to snot-nosed little brats (not many of them come knocking anymore anyway), but because it always signals a fresh round of brand new junk food at the supermarket.

Behold! LIMITED EDITION Batman cereal!

Actually, I guess it’s The Batman cereal, but that sounds funny. Why The Batman? Is The Batman different from plain old Batman? I can’t keep up with all this stuff anymore. The Boy has been clamoring loudly for a video game called “Ultimate Spider-Man” lately. Ultimate Spider-Man? Really? Will there be no more Spider-Man games after this one? Because if this one is the ultimate, then the rest of them will pretty much suck. Could there be an “Ultimate Spider-Man 2″?

Anyway. I’m losing track here. The point is, even though Batman (or The Batman) is on the front cover of most of Post’s cereal lineup this month, he’s getting his own box. It’s LIMITED EDITION, so I had to act fast; besides, who wouldn’t be tempted by the prospect of “cocoa flavored cereal with marshmallow bits”?

They look like rocks, don’t they?

Well, let me tell you: They’re every bit as crunchy. Oh my God, all this time I thought Trix and Cap’n Crunch represented the absolute peak of gum-shredding cereal technology, but I was sadly, sadly mistaken. The Batman cereal is capital-C Crunchy. The Boy took one bite and said, “UNCLE, THIS IS SO CRUNCHY.” And then: “IT TASTES LIKE CHOCOLATE.”

I ate a bowl across the room from my wife, and she wouldn’t stop complaining about how loud my chewing was. (I chew with my mouth tightly closed.) I had to leave the room.

I guess the point here is that The Batman is so goddamn crunchy that it sort of eclipses any chocolatey goodness, or even the added benefit of marshmallow bits (though The Boy did add “I LIKE MARSHMALLOWS”). It’s shockingly crunchy. The only thing I can guess is that you’re supposed to put it in milk, go out and fight crime for awhile, and then come back when it’s close to normal cereal consistency.

Don’t take my word for it — go out and get your own box. But act fast. It’s LIMITED EDITION, after all.