Hey You Kids (Have a Happy New Year And) Get Out Of My Yard!

Written by Music

With Popdose having just rolled off the showroom floor all shiny and new, still full of that “new car smell,” I am chuffed to the ‘nads to be a part of such a venture. Never before has such an intimidating conglomeration of blog talent been gathered to unleash their musical musings upon the world. Truth be told, you, faithful Popdose readers, are some lucky sumbitches.

Seriously, think of Popdose as a real-life Justice League — except, instead of skin-tight spandex, snazzy masks, and flowing capes, the superheroes of the Popdose variety are adorned in ripped sweats, t-shirts with all manner of long-defunct band, record company, or dot.com logos, and mandatory bathrobes with loads of rear ventilation. Don’t let appearances fool you, though. We’re bad-ass. For example, I’ve been known to tag a misbehaving neighbor kid from thirty paces with a well-aimed slipper without spilling a drop of morning java.

Being that the odometer has rolled clean past 999999 on yet another year and we prepare to write “2008” on all checks from this point onward, I’m betting that some of you are filled with a sense of hope that this year will somehow be better than ol’ ’07.

How the fuck could it not be?

To put it simply, 2007 was to music what Pamela Anderson-Lee-Rock-Salomon is to the institution of marriage.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a new year without the barrage of year-end Best Of lists being proffered by every nitwit who has ever fancied themselves a rock critic. So many critics, yet every list seem comprised of the same ten albums. Arcade Fire, Spoon, Feist, Amy Winehouse, Of Montreal, yada yada yada.

How can that be? Were only ten albums released in ’07?

That adult life is no different from high school is never more obvious than when you see critics the world over name-check the same small reservoir of bands and albums, unafraid to admit that they never really got around to listening to the new Sigur Ros CD, but feel compelled to place it high upon their lists nonetheless.

Round up these same scribes and relocate them to the nearest deserted isle with only their year-end Top 10 selections and a solar-powered iPod to keep them company, you can bet your sweet music-loving ass that each one of them would be throwing themselves from the highest cliff or chiseling away at their own ears with a monkey skull and crayfish claw within the hour.

See, that’s what happens when you listen to an Arcade Fire CD minus the roomful of irony-drenched hipsters and kitschy ambience of a slumming socialite’s Lower East End loft.

Airdrop a few copies of my “Antidote For Those Forced To Listen To Their Own Year-End Top 10 List Selections” (see below), and watch just how quickly the last remaining survivors remove their necks from the noose and embrace the care packages with tears pouring from their bloodshot eyes.

If only they hadn’t lopped off their ears and tossed the bloody lumps into the sea that first day.

My irony-free wish for 2008 is that great music is made, embraced, and praised to the ends of the earth by those in a position to bring about change from the sickening sameness that has tainted the well these past umpteen years.

Various Artists/Antidote For Those Forced To Listen To Their Own Year-End Top 10 List Selections (Hey, You Kids! Records)

Beatles – Revolution (acoustic)
Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers – Mary Jane’s Last Dance
Cheap Trick – On Top Of The World
Slow Runner – Usual Chords
Heavens – Dead End Girl
Romantics – What I Like About You
Tourists – Week Days
Guster – One Man Wrecking Machine
Replacements – Talent Show
R.E.M. – At My Most Beautiful