Into the Ear of Madness: Week 12 — Say Hello to the New Foster

Written by Into the Ear of Madness, Music

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Over the next year Terje Fjelde has agreed to listen to nothing but David Foster on his iPod. He’s loaded the thing with over 1,200 songs produced, arranged, composed, and/or played by the man. A deal with the devil? He keeps wondering.

Parker

I guess congratulations are in order. David Foster became an uncle this month, and he now has a nephew named Parker Foster Aiken.

David’s 50-year-old sister Jaymes Foster was artificially inseminated by Clay Aiken, of all people, and the dark-haired baby boy was born at 8:08 AM on Friday, August 8 (could it possibly have been a c-section?), weighed six pounds, two ounces, and was 19 inches long. Amazing.

I wonder who they named him after. Colonel Parker? Nah, that’s kinda weird considering that David recently divorced Elvis Presley’s ex-girlfriend. Charlie Parker? Dorothy Parker? Hardly.

Probably Sarah Jessica Parker.

You know, every now and then I dream of the decadent lifestyle of a successful writer-producer-something-anything in the hills of Beverly. But it only takes a quick glance at the surreal lives of these plastic-coated people to realize it would be like entering the Roman Empire just before the fall of Rome.

It’s comforting to see sturdy old people like uncle David staying true to themselves in the face of the impending Dark Ages, though, never giving an inch to the decay, with a mere three wives and half a dozen kids or so, everything under fairly conventional circumstances, or so it seems. Bear in mind that whenever I say “it seems” in this series I appear to be wrong.

Jaymes and Clay met while he was on American Idol in 2003, and although they are not romantically linked, they plan to raise the kid together as friends. “My dear friend, Jaymes, and I are so excited,” Aiken says. “Wow … 8:08 … 08/08/08. The little man is healthy, happy and as loud as his daddy. Mama Jaymes is doing quite well also.”

What can I say? Wow. Three cheers for Parker — let’s hope he grows up to be a decent, down-to-earth person who will never, ever be talked into starting a recording career. Or a television career, for that matter. In fact, let’s hope and pray that we never hear from him again.

Fat chance.

Dionne Warwick — “That’s What Friends Are For,” from Friends, 1985. With Gladys Knight, Elton John, and Stevie Wonder. Penned by Burt Bacharach and Carole Bayer Sager, with David on keyboards.

Dionne Warwick & Johnny Mathis — “Friends in Love,” from Friends in Love, 1982. David composed it with Jay Graydon and Bill Champlin and played keyboards.

If you ever need another theme tune with “friend” and/or “lover” in it, Dionne’s your girl. In addition to these selections, she released “Friends Can Be Lovers” in ’93 and “My Friends & Me” in ’06. Johnny Mathis is no stranger to the theme either: he released his own Friends in Love album in ’82, and in ’78 he recorded a duet album with Deniece Williams called That’s What Friends Are For. That album does not, however, contain the Bacharach/Sager tune performed by Warwick in ’85, but a different “That’s What Friends Are For”, cowritten by Williams for her debut album in ’76. Dionne Warwick’s “That’s What Friends Are For” was originally released in ’82 and is the love theme from the Ron Howard-directed comedy Night Shift, where it was performed by Rod Stewart. Confused? Anyway, you see, friends can be lovers.

While we’re on the theme, what would be your favorite Celebrity Insemination Mash-Up? Mine’s kind of obvious, I guess: Paul Anka and Celine Dion. A real Canadian Clash of the Titans that would produce a surefire hit machine.

Hey, what’s that? Don’t judge bannock before it’s fried!