Jesus of Cool: Why Hannah Montana is So AWESOME!!!

Written by Jesus of Cool, Music

Almost exactly a year ago on this site, my esteemed Popdose colleague Dw. Dunphy closed a column by asking, “What has modernity offered you? Hannah Montana?” He was concluding a well-considered paean to vinyl-record listening, but never mind the context – Hannah/Miley has been taking it on the chin from grown-up critics quite a bit lately, even as her bank account swells and her seemingly never-ending Sweet Sixteen party continues unabated (at least on Disney Channel). Many of the complaints adopt a common theme – namely, that Miley/Hannah’s music doesn’t hold a candle to what we listened to when we were kids, and may very well be melting our poor children’s minds.

The music that has emerged from both sides of the Hannah/Miley Schizophrenopalooza is hardly Lennon/McCartney – but then, neither were “Yummy Yummy Yummy” or Leif Garrett or New Kids on the Block or N’Sync. Yes, the Hannah Montana TV/music/film/ merchandise phenomenon is perhaps the most perfect representation yet of media-conglomerate synergy – but, really, so what? More to the point, should the final verdict on the quality of what has emerged from this mighty commercial enterprise really be left to grumpy old music critics like myself, who can barely be bothered to give a cursory listen to Miley’s latest in between attempts to wrap our heads around the latest Radiohead opus?

As a public service for those unfortunate readers who don’t have a member of Miley/Hannah’s demographic bouncing around the house, I’ve decided to turn my first column of 2009 over to my daughter Catie and her best friend, our next-door neighbor Bridget. They’re both 7 years old, and already steeped in the magic and the mythology of Miley. (Editor’s note: For the purposes of this article, all instances of the word “awesome” should be read in a high-pitched, sing-songy, little-girl tone – as opposed to, say, the voice of a WWE ringside announcer.) Without further ado…

Jon: Hi, girls!
Bridget: Hi, Popdose!
Catie: Yeah. Hi.
Jon: Do you remember why we’re doing this interview?
Catie: Yeah. Because we’re the biggest fans of Hannah Montana that were ever made.
Bridget: She’s, like, awesome.
Catie: Awesome!

Catie with some of her Hannah Montana regaliaJon: I dunno … Hannah doesn’t seem so awesome to me.
Bridget: Quiet, mister!
Catie: She is, too! She is so awesome.
Jon: Why?
Bridget: Because she’s so cool, of course.
Catie: She inspirates little kids to be what they want to be when they grow up.
Jon: Yeah? And what do you want to be when you grow up?
Bridget: I want to be a singer like Hannah Montana! And an actress. I’m really good, you know.
(She proceeds to demonstrate, caterwauling a rendition of “Life’s What You Make It” while flailing around the room.)
Catie: That wasn’t very good at all. (a slap-fight ensues)

Jon: And Catie? What is it you want to be this week?
Catie: I wanna sing to my students when I’m a teacher—
Bridget: What are you gonna sing?
Catie: Um … the A-B-C’s, of course! (a rendition commences)
Bridget: Wait! If you want to be like Miley, you have to sing a version that rocks! (the two attempt a rockin’ A-B-C’s)

Jon: Thanks, that’ll be enough of that. Catie, I thought you wanted to be an animal doctor.
Catie: Well, then I’m going to sing to the animals I save. Yeah, and I’ll be a world teacher star.
Bridget: Like you could ever do all those jobs at once.

Jon: Bridget, why do you want to be a rock star?
Bridget: It would be a great opportunity to sing in front of people you don’t know.
Catie: Um, daddy — I want to join the chorus at school so I can sing. Can I?
Bridget: Yeah. I want to do that, too.
Catie: I want to sing at the Civic Center.
Bridget: Yeah, that would be cool. Singing in chorus will help us become like Miley, because people will see us and we’ll become stars!
Catie: I just want to sing in front of tiny people, like kids who need to be teached.

Hannah MontanaJon: So, you know, I hear the music when you guys are playing it sometimes, and I haven’t been able to figure it out – what’s the difference between when Hannah sings and when Miley sings?
Bridget: They have different voices.
Catie: No, they don’t!
Bridget: Yeah — I read that she said that somewhere.
Catie: They have different hair on, when they sing.

Jon: Oh, right. Why does Miley have to pretend she’s Hannah in order to be a rock star?
Bridget: Well, duh! Everybody would want to be around her, and she’d get exhausted from everyone following her around.
Catie: Yeah, and she would have to, like, talk on TV when she’s at school. That would be stupid.

Jon: So what do you imagine Miley’s life is like?
Bridget: It’s, like, a nice life in Tennessee. She has a nice family —
Catie: Billy Ray Cyrus!
Bridget: (sings) “I want my mommy back!”
Jon: What’s that?
Bridget: Some song he sings.
Catie: Wait – is it “mommy” or “money”? (Editor’s note: It’s “mullet.”)

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Jon: How do you think Miley got her show, and got to be a star?
Catie: By being awesome!
Bridget: I think she went on the computer and typed, “I wanna be famous.”
Catie: No! She auditioned, and she did it really well. I bet I would get a job on Disney Channel if I went for an audition.
Bridget: Nuh-uh. Not if I go with you.

Jon: OK. What else do we know about Miley?
Bridget: I know her favorite color is purple, because I’m, like, smart.
Catie: She got a new puppy for her birthday, and she was bragging about it.
Bridget: Let me talk! Her sister’s like, “I’m rich because my sister’s a pop star.”
Catie: That’s not true!
Bridget: Miley used to be Nick Jonas’ girlfriend. And then they broke up.
Catie: It was, like, so tragic!
Bridget: And they kissed on the cheek.

Miley & Billy Ray Cyrus, from the notorious Vanity Fair shootJon: Huh. Well, how long do you think Miley can stay on TV?
Catie: ’Til she is 100.
Bridget: I think ’til she’s about 26 — then she’s going to retire from the show.
Catie: That is not true! You could be on Disney Channel ’til you’re about 85. They need some old people on the show. (she starts singing as an old person) “If we were a movie, you’d be the right guy, and I’d be the best friend…”
Bridget: My grandma doesn’t talk like that, and she’s gonna turn 84.

Jon: OK, one more question. Catie, how cool is your dad because he interviewed Miley’s background singer?
Catie: You’re pretty cool.
Bridget: No.
Catie: You’re the coolest da-da in the universe.
Bridget: You’re not very cool at all.
Catie: I’d rather be the backup singer, actually, because you don’t really have to memorize anything.
Jon: That is not true! You have to know all the –
Catie: Can we be done now?
Bridget: Wanna go watch Hannah?
Catie: Nah. Let’s go on the computer.
Bridget: Bye, Popdose!

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