Lefschmutz: Bob Lefsetz Hates a Lot of Things

Written by Lefschmutz, Music

Is Bob Lefsetz auditioning for Andy Rooney’s old job? It would sure seem that he’s looking to fill the shoes of the legendary 60 Minutes crank, because he sure hates a lot of things, and his penchant for self-contradiction reaches astonishing levels.

Is Bob Lefsetz auditioning for Andy Rooney’s old job? It would sure seem that he’s looking to fill the shoes of the legendary 60 Minutes crank, because he sure hates a lot of things, and his penchant for self-contradiction reaches astonishing levels.

1. Unsolicited E-Mail

I’m not talking about spam, offers for imitation Viagra, but those bullshit e-mails from wannabe musicians imploring me to listen to their music and spread the word.

But keep sending him offers for imitation Viagra.

(I might as well end here. It’s not going to get any easier for me than that, folks). 

I ain’t got the time and it’s not my job.

That’s right. You’d much rather be given a CD of a new band by an old friend, ignore it for a year, then suddenly become their biggest fan

We live in a pull economy.

Resisting the temptation to make an obvious dick joke.

We find stuff we like and then we spread the word. Go back to your hole and do something great and let me find out about it organically, which I never will, because it’s a hell of a lot harder to write great music than to find my address and send me an e-mail.

That’s Lefsetz in a nutshell: Do everything I say, but don’t seek my approval because I don’t care about you.

2. Arianna Huffington And Her Huffington Post

Shut the fuck up.

You first.

You were a Republican and then you were a Democrat and now you’re a classic American, only in it for the money.

These words were written by someone who drives a BMW and has $1,500 headphones.

Once upon a time you had a chance to impact the debate, by being a clearinghouse for left wing news. Now you’re just a rallying point for yourself. I wish they’d put a gag on you and get you to stop talking because what you say is only about yourself and is not worth listening to.

Note: Bob is telling someone to stop talking about themselves in a 1500-word blog post called “Things I Hate.” This comes after a handful of posts about his latest skiing trip to Vail.

3. The L.A. Times
4. People Who Think Twitter Is About Promotion

It’s about INFORMATION! It’s an up to the minute news service. Stop trying to sell me shit.

Once again, Bob is telling everybody to leave him alone.

6. Ryan Seacrest

You’re a perfect emblem of network television. Bland and playing to everyone. People who think you’re a star have never used the Internet.

Who wants to bet more people read Seacrest’s site than subscribe to the Lefsetz Letter?

Where having a personality and an edge is key to success.

Personality and edge, just like Tila Tequila, Rebecca Black, and kitten videos.

8. Music Executives

Akin to Putin.

Hyperbole much?

Full of b.s. and even less accessible. Today Rupert Murdoch started to tweet. Which is why News Corp. is worth more than any record label or Live Nation.

Because Rupert Murdoch always tells the truth and gives out his home phone number to everybody he meets?

You don’t have to be nice, just accessible.

Accessible? As in “I ain’t got the time and it’s not my job” or “Stop trying to sell me shit.”

9. Movie Studios
10. The Mainstream Media
11. President Obama
12. The Tea Party
13. Music Radio
14. Fees

Just tell me the price. Did you see Southwest is fighting all-in pricing on airline tickets? This subterfuge benefits who, other than stockholders? Our whole country is beholden to mythical stockholders who seem to think money can keep you warm at night, suck your dick, make you happy…but it can’t. Why do the rest of us have to suffer?

That’s right. We live in a pull economy, not a suck economy. In other words, the handjob is cheap, but the blowjob comes with hidden costs.

15. Football

Because it maims people. It’s demolition derby, just involving bodies instead of cars. But it’s the American way, so it can’t be changed. There’s too much money involved. But if gays can get married can’t we ban football?

If we can grant freedom in one context, can’t we restrict it in a completely unrelated context?

Think about it. Is it really any different from throwing Romans to the lions? If you don’t die of dementia, you can barely walk.

A few minutes ago you were threatening to gag Arianna Huffington and now you’re complaining about living in a violent society?

16. Bad Food At The Gig

If you look at this list as being in order of importance, this is only slightly less egregious than corporate greed, media capitulation, political disillusion, and Ryan Seacrest’s popularity in Bloated Bob’s world.

We live in a foodie nation, but you can only buy a sawdust hot dog and overpriced beer at the gig.

So eat before you go to the gig, you cheap bastard! Besides, why would you want to eat at a gig? Who can sing along with a mouthful of hot dog?

Even baseball has figured out that gourmet sells.

Yes, and that mentality of appealing to corporate bigwigs in the luxury boxes over the middle-class family is exactly what you’re saying is wrong with this country.

But music functions in a backwater based on bickering that takes no account of the fan while the factions argue over the spoils. You could grow the business if you just raised your head from your checkbook and took a look around.

All the problems in music industry can be solved if the local rock club removed its PBR taps and installed a sushi bar.

17. Finance

I thought it was about funding business as opposed to solely making money for the perpetrators.

That’s only in your country, where Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton are on the money instead of presidents. In America, venture capitalists fund businesses out of profit motive, not philanthropy.

18. People Who Hate Taxes

Get over it, we live in a society.

“I ain’t got the time and it’s not my job”
“Stop trying to sell me shit.”

Do you hog all the milk from your kids? Do you refuse to listen to your spouse?

Bob has no kids (that he’s ever discussed) and is no longer married.

We all have to get along.

“I ain’t got the time and it’s not my job”
“Stop trying to sell me shit.” 

As for waste, do you never throw out any spoiled milk? Do you never buy a product you don’t need? Then stop complaining about the government. Sure, we should keep fraud and waste to a minimum, but not at the cost of eliminating the program.

We’re almost two-thirds of the way through the piece and Bob finally says something that is measured and reasonable.

 19. Cee Lo

 Does Bob not realize his blog has a search function? Sixteen months ago:

I love Cee-Lo.  Because he’s so UnHollywood.  He’s overweight.  He’s a guy with a high voice. And he recorded my favorite single of the twenty first century, “Crazy”. I’ve never heard anything by him since that’s quite as good, but I’ll always cut him a break, I’ll always give him a chance.

And listening to “F**K YOU” I got excited.  I wanted to tell everybody I knew.  We all want to be first.

Now:

For changing the words of “Imagine”. Nothing’s sacred, not even the words of John Lennon. God’s got nothing to do with the success of your sports team or our armed forces and the sooner we get him out of the dialogue, the quicker our country can deal with the real problems facing it, from global warming to poverty to productivity. Go to church all you want, just stop talking about it.

I’ll always cut him a break, I’ll always give him a chance.”

20. Jerry Seinfeld

Larry David was the funny one. Stop being so smugly satisfied with your opinion. You’re not God’s gift to parenting, just a very good comedian. Stop being so holier than thou.

A guy who shits out 1500 words about all the silly things he hates is complaining about somebody else being holier-than-thou.

21. Justin Bieber

Because I’ve got to listen to all the pricks in the music business and the media say how good you are. Where are the Jonas Brothers today.

Ooh, ranting against a teen pop act by comparing them to the last teen pop act. Such a rebel.

22. Groupon

There is no free lunch.

It’s not free. It’s 50% off, but not on the weekends and doesn’t apply to the buffet. And also remember to tip on the price of the bill before you factor in the Groupon, not after.

It’s advertising. We’re not even gonna be talking about this company in a year. But ain’t that America, to get wrapped up in the sideshow as opposed to the real issues. These companies should have expiration dates on them, like a band. Three hits and you’re out, one year and you’re done. They shouldn’t be allowed to go public, they should be made to expire.

Sounds like somebody tried to pay for a dinner with an expired Groupon.

To sell shares in Groupon is to prey on an ignorant public.

I have no understanding of the flaws in Groupon’s business plan and IPO, only that they have been reported as such. But I do know that they’re a business that grew largely and quickly through word-of-mouth, creativity, and effective use of mobile technology and social media. In other words, they’ve done EVERYTHING BOB HAS SAID A MODERN BUSINESS SHOULD DO! You should be ROOTING FOR THEM because it PROVES YOU RIGHT!!

23. Trout Pout

Who said these lips look good?

Bob prefers the lips on his money to do his dirty work.

24. No Child Left Behind
25. Android
26. AT&T
27. The Public

“We live in a society…We all have to get along.”

Because facts don’t matter.

Precisely the reason why you have influence.

They don’t believe acts scalp their own tickets and won’t believe Verizon Wireless is better than AT&T. It’s like these companies are sports teams instead of inert providers. I can’t hear you now and it pisses me off!

28. People Who Insist On Talking On The Phone

Then why does it matter if they use AT&T or Verizon if you’re not going to talk to them anyway?

If you can’t tell me in e-mail, I don’t want to know. You just want to waste my time feigning interest in my life until you pitch me what I don’t want to buy. Read #1 above once again.

OK.

1. Unsolicited E-Mail

In other words, I only communicate via e-mail, but don’t e-mail me.

Time is my issue.

“We live in a society…We all have to get along.”

29. American Cars

I have no idea how the impossibility of opening bags of airline peanuts and child-proof caps failed to make Bob’s list.

30. The Lack Of Sacrifice

We’re all NIMBYS. If it involves just a bit of sacrifice we don’t want it.

What have you sacrificed, Bob?

Fuck the common good, I only care about myself. Huh?

“I ain’t got the time and it’s not my job”
“Stop trying to sell me shit.”