Musclebound Idiots, Clueless Whores and Big Brother 5

Written by Lost in the '80s, Music

I admit it. This show gets me every summer. I give up three hours of my week to spend it with Julie Chen, her bizarre body glitter and Silver Surfer spacesuit wardrobe, and a group of preening narcissists – and I love it. I AM COMING OUT OF THE BIG BROTHER CLOSET, DO YOU HEAR ME WORLD?

I needed a good two episodes to let this year’s group soak in, and now I’m ready to break it on downnnnn:

• The half-sibling twist was interesting, but ultimately lame. At first, I thought the Jock Quad was a little insensitive for assuming it was a lie, then I remembered where they all were. The entire show is a construct, so they were actually smart in being suspicious. That is the last time I imagine calling this group “smart” for the remainder of the season.

• What does it mean when all the straight guys are more feminine in appearance than the women? And what the fuck is up with all those bandanas on the heads? Does anyone find that appealing?

• You are Head of Household. Big Brother reveals to you an LCD screen in your room capable of showing you what all the other roomates in the house are up to. Do you spy on the others in secret, finding out their true agendas and give yourself an edge in the game, or do you IMMEDIATELY GRAB PEOPLE YOU’VE KNOWN FOR TWO DAYS AND TELL THEM ALL ABOUT IT? That douche DESERVES to lose.

• Anyone see Scott’s nude pics from the April 2004 issue of “Playgirl” yet? Seriously. All I can say is, “Pencil Dick Syndrome” is a real disease. Please give.

• I keep waiting for Nikomas to call upon the Dark Lord to aid her in vanquishing her foes.

• The houseguests need to read that fine print on Drew’s forehead very carefully: “Object may be smarter than it appears.” Look for him or his twin to betray the Jock Quad.

• Adria & Diane. Who? Exactly. Beware the faceless ones. They sneak up on you.

• Marvin may last a long time under that old “No one likes him, so I’m taking him to the end” strategy that always backfires.

• Wil. Will, Will, Will. Sigh. Hun, NO one is fooled. When you reveal your big “I’m gay!” shocker, don’t be surprised when everyone in the house says, “Well, DUH.” Me and my friends have been running around saying, “I’m gonna give them a dose of MY medicine!” all week. Snap! At least he’s still butcher than Bunky.

• I LOVE HOLLY. LOVE HER. That’s all I’m sayin’.

• If I was in the house this year? I would have told everyone I was gay and liberal, blah blah, then started a secret alliance with Mike, the GW Bush booster. No one would suspect a thing. Unfortunately, I wasn’t there this year, so he’s out next week. Unless the house pulls a Nikomas revolt and sends her away from her newfound sibling. But I doubt it.

• My pick to win? Either Drew or Lori. Both normal and likeable enough to not be threats, but smart enough to coast until the end.