Check out this t-shirt. Neil F**kin’ Diamond. The guy who wrote “I’m a Believer” and “Cherry Cherry” and “Thank the Lord for the Night Time” and “Cracklin’ Rosie” and “Forever in Blue Jeans” and Beautiful Noise and “Love on the Rocks” (originally titled “Love on the F**kin’ Rocks,” which makes the t-shirt that much more apropos). He recorded Hot August Night and wooed Lucie Arnaz (in a movie) and got a gig at a bar by singing “You Are My Sunshine” (also in a movie; actually, it was the same movie in which he wooed Lucie Arnaz. He had a beard in that movie, too, and he has a beard again now, so you know he’s down for some serious wooin’ and singin’, even at 73 years young. Lucie Arnaz, wherever she is, had better watch out). He wrote and performed the soundtrack to a movie about a seagull and made it cool (okay, not really cool). He was the man to whom Jack Black, Jason Biggs, and Steve Zahn paid tribute in Saving Silverman. He sang a duet with Barbra Streisand, and she did not destroy him, feast on his flesh, and devour his soul. She tried, but he was impervious to her attacks and rebuked her, as only he could. He didn’t bring her flowers, and she had to deal with it.
Greatest. T-shirt. Ever. Seriously, you can wear this thing out to dinner; you can wear it out to the ball game; you can wear it to your kid’s recital; you can wear it to church, if you wanna (hell, some of them UCC churches might even sell ‘em in the narthex).
White lettering on black cotton, just to make sure it stands out. To make sure it’s visible from the greatest distance possible and everyone—from the doe-eyed kiddie in her bassinette to the just-shy-of-blind nonagenarian in his tricked-out Hoveround—can see it, can see you, flying the flag for the original Brill Broozah his bad ol’ self.
And we got one for you (if you’re a size L, or know someone who’s a size L, or if you just want it anyway), along with a copy of his new CD, Melody Road (out today). It’s produced by Don Was and Jacknife Lee. There’s a song on there called “Nothing but a Heartache” that is wicked cool; can’t listen to it just once. There’s another one called “(Ooo) Do I Wanna Be Yours” that’ll break your heart into eight or nine pieces. Just like old times.
To have a chance to win, send me an email (one per person, please) with the subject line “Turn on My Heartlight!” In the body, include your name and mailing address. I will pick one entry at random from the emails I receive by 5:00pm Eastern Time Friday, October 24, and that person will win the shirt and the CD. Also, since I and my colleagues here would rather wear one of Neil’s sparkly stage shirts to a biker bar than share your information with others, I will personally delete all received emails after the winner is selected.
Proclaim your allegiance to Neil Diamond. Neil F**kin’ Diamond.