Rock stars. We love ‘em, they know we love ‘em and they feed off that love. Through the endless sex parades, the booze and the drugs, in spite whatever BS Morrissey is dropping by the bushes in the woods, the most addictive part is the adoration. When that starts to go, a rock star may be inclined to do anything, anything, to regain that high, no matter how legacy-shredding, dignity-killing or plain old embarrassing it winds up being.
So when is a rock star not so much a rock star anymore? When the Popdose Staff was posed this question, the answers ranged from spit-take-inducing to neck-pain-inducing from all the nodding in agreement. Here now is the transcript of that exchange.
Oh, and one more thing: For every SuperHeavy reference mentioned, you either have to tweet #GimmeABreakSuperHeavy or take a Jagermeister (Jagger-meister?) shot.
Jason Hare: When they release a re-recording of their hit song, possibly with the last two digits of the year it was re-recorded tacked on to the end of the title.
Dave Lifton: Does “Freedom ’90″ count?
Jason Hare: No, and you know it!
Chris Holmes: When their groupies start carrying AARP cards.
Dan Wiencek: When they take up golf. You never quite see Alice Cooper in the same way once you’ve seen him in a visor and white polo.
Robin Monica Alexander: Alice is still Alice, with or without a 9 iron.
Dan Wiencek: Rock star? Just sayin’.
Robin Monica Alexander: But Alice was always a fictional construct anyway…so once the visor comes off and the makeup goes on, Alice is back.
Dw. Dunphy: (Ke$ha guests on his next album. I’ll leave that…right…there.)
Dave Lifton: Does he sign his scorecard as “Alice Cooper” or “Vince Furnier?”
Dw. Dunphy: He signs it “David Coverdale.”
Annie Logue: When they do an album covering Cole Porter songs, and then my mom starts playing it when she drives the grandchildren around.
Dw. Dunphy: I get no kicks from whole grains; Swimmies and beach balls don’t thrill me at all…
Dave Steed: I’m going to say it’s when you start singing in Sanskrit.
Dave Steed: I like the Rob Thomas one. Very true!
Chris Holmes: When you get billed below the puppet show.
David Medsker: I was going to say when they play the state fair circuit, but that doesn’t really apply anymore…But this one does: when they do a reality show.
Dave Steed: And that circles back to Jani Lane on Celebrity Fit Club!
Jeff Giles: Henceforth known as the “Flavor Flav/Dee Snider Rule.”
Jon Cummings: As for reality-TV shows: I’m conflicted on this Gene Simmons thing. On the one hand, maybe he should get a lifetime pass for keeping Shannon Tweed (Shannon Tweed!) on the hook for twenty eight years without marrying her (and while, he says, sleeping with “thousands of women”). But then again, the whole season-ending proposal cliffhanger (will she marry him or dump him?) does not exactly scream “rock star!” (BTW, having watched exactly five minutes of Family Jewels a couple of years ago, I gleaned everything I just wrote from a couple news stories and entirely too much old-school Cinemax.)
Terje Fjelde: When they decide that their hair style is perennial and timeless.
Chris Holmes: When they decide to go country.
Dave Lifton: How about when they try to reach a new audience by allowing one of their big hits to be used ironically in a bad comedy?
Kelly Stitzel: When they become a judge on American Idol.
Robin Monica Alexander: Kelly’s winning this game so far…
Dave Lifton: I know! His life has been filled with such heartache. And genital warts.
Dan Wiencek: When they agree to appear on The Simpsons.
Brian Boone: When they form a supergroup.
Nick DeRiso: When his band replaces him with a younger soundalike they found on YouTube.
Johnny Bacardi: When their album covers look like they were created by Kinko’s instead of Hipgnosis or Pacific Eye & Ear.
Chris Holmes: When you appear on one of those rotten VH-1 retrospective panel shows.
Ken Shane: Four words: Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab.
Dw. Dunphy: And finally, when you make the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine.
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