This morning, the Cleveland Browns unveiled a new logo. Well, it’s not so much of a new logo as it is a slight change in color and a different font that is the result of what they’re calling “two years’ worth of in-house research and constant dialogue with numerous Browns fans.”

I don’t have an opinion on the new look. I’m not a Browns fan and never gave much thought to their color scheme, other than being glad that I don’t have to wear orange and brown on Sunday afternoons (Giants’ blue shows off my eyes much better). But whenever teams make such changes — or as the Browns say, “evolve” the “marks” — the marketing copy is always filled with overthought explanations of symbolism and shameless shouts-out to the Greatest Fans in the World, and unintentional comedy ensues. Let’s see what they came up with.

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Our updated helmet logo is reflective of today’s modern Cleveland…

Bland, and don’t look at it too long in bright sunlight.

…a new orange color that matches the passion of the Dawg Pound.

Everybody knows that red is the color of passion, you twits. Therefore, in your attempt to the pander to the fans, you’re really saying that the Dawg Pound is merely a shade of genuine passion.

The new brown facemask represents the strength and toughness of Cleveland.

You want to really show how tough you are? Don’t change the color of the facemasks. Stop being pussies and get rid of the facemasks altogether.

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2015 marks the 30th anniversary of the Dawg Pound – bestowing a unique opportunity to modernize the symbolism of the Dawg Pound through an evolved logo. The Dawg Pound represents one of the most iconic fan bases in all of sports. The Dawg Pound is a unifying identity of all Cleveland Browns faithful.

“Our franchise quarterback’s in rehab and also sucks; We may have to cut our best receiver because he keeps failing drug tests; our owner is a meddling prick who paid nearly nine figures to avoid federal prosecution and the Cavaliers are getting all the good press because LeBron is back. Meanwhile, the real Browns have won two Super Bowls since getting the hell out of here. In other words, we’ve got no future. We’ve gotta give the fans handjobs.”

It’s tough and exemplifies the “Play Like A Brown” attitude.

“Play Like A Brown?” Is that something a team that hasn’t won a championship since 1964 wants to promote?

With one passionate voice – the DAWG POUND BARKS TOGETHER.

One passionate voice, screaming “WHY DO I KEEP PUTTING MYSELF THROUGH THIS SHIT.”

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The orange is brighter and richer and matches the passion of our fans and city.

Two years and all you could come up with was “Eh, let’s give it a new shade of orange?”

The brown is unchanged.

“We are still shit.”

By the way, how hysterical is it that the team was named after Paul Brown, the coach/co-founder who was responsible for virtually of their championships? It permanently wedded them to the color and guaranteed a endless barrage of shit jokes. They had the perfect opportunity to end that and build an entirely new history when the original Browns moved to Baltimore, but the city got all crazy about “tradition” and the league kept the team name and the records for the new incarnation. Morons.

I would love it if the Browns ever get good for any length of time (and I’m not talking about a three-game winning streak in October) and the new owners decided to ditch that name once and for all. They’ll make up some garbage about how the new name represents a new approach for the awesome city of Cleveland and its wonderful fans when they’re really thinking, “We were just tired of reminding everybody of shit.”

And the new team name will be the Cleveland Steamers.

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The contemporary redesigned wordmark is simplistic and utilizes a stronger, bolder font.

Our customers, whom we just called “one of the most iconic fan bases in all of sports,” can’t read very well.

This will never get old.