Representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina became a household name on Wednesday when he “heckled” President Obama during the commander-in-chief’s speech on health-care reform before a joint session of Congress. After Obama assured lawmakers that any systemwide overhaul wouldn’t extend health benefits to illegal immigrants, Wilson rebel-yelled, “You lie!”
According to congressional aide Mark Cloth, who wished to remain anonymous but didn’t bribe me enough to warrant serious consideration, Wilson was seen drinking 12-ounce cups of espresso for several hours before the president’s speech. The fourth-term conservative Republican lawmaker was also “high on pro-life and a two-day marathon of Lou Dobbs Tonight on his DVR.”
The cheapskate aide also revealed that Wilson’s supposedly spontaneous outburst was carefully scripted in order to convey the most effective opposition to Obama’s health-care initiatives, with dozens of drafts written over the past several weeks. In the end, however, simple noun-verb agreement combined with pro-wrestling body language proved to be the most direct route to getting Wilson’s point across.
And what’s so bad about simplicity? We live in a time of “tweets,” after all. Call Rep. Joe Wilson what you will, but he’s taught me a valuable lesson about keeping Sugar Water short and simple from now on, because otherwise all those words in my brain just pile up alongside all those newspaper clippings gathering dust on my desk, and suddenly it’s been almost two months since I wrote an actual column.
Granted, I spent all of August traveling around the country to President Obama’s town-hall meetings so I could stand beside angry Americans and shout “Rubber baby buggy bumpers!” over and over again — none of them heard me since they were all busy yelling nonsensical words and phrases themselves — but now I’m back. America, I need this forum. And you need me. Even if you have no interest in bribing me.
Thanks to Cloth, the Capitol Hill lackey with the suspiciously shallow pockets, I now have a sample of the scripted outbursts Rep. Wilson considered using on Wednesday but ultimately rejected in favor of “You lie!” Here they are, in no particular order …
1. “You bad man! You go away now!”
2. “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Because as far as I know, there’s no existing health-care plan that covers HULKING OUT!!!!!”
3. “Hi, Joe Wilson here. As a representative of the great state of South Carolina, where hospitality and gentility are as common as the morning dew, I graciously invite you to suck it.”
4. “¿Cómo? ¿¡Cómo?! No hablo ingles, Señor Presidente — me speaky the language of irony!“
5. “Let the record show that my voice was dripping with sarcasm when I made the following statement: ‘You are so funny. I cannot stop laughing. Seriously, stop. You are killing me, and I do not want to die before I get the chance to sample your miraculous health-care plan.’”
6. “Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome Mr. Toby Keith, performing his latest single, ‘Every Melting Pot Needs a Good Scrubbing’!”
7. Scream. Accuse. Interrupt. Bully. In general, imitate the actions of daytime talk-show guests and audience members. (These general “stage directions” were borrowed from ultra-right-wing attendees of recent town-hall meetings in the Palmetto State.)
8. “Can’t we focus on some real issues here, like the fact that Michael Jackson’s death was ruled a homicide — a homicide caused by health care!“
9. “Show us your tits!” (Surprisingly, this was the front runner going into Wednesday.)
10. “I can’t believe I’m missing a George Lopez marathon for this.”
Mark Cloth … Cloth … why does that name sound familiar?
Oh. Right. Mark Felt.
Well played, Deep Throat/Shallow Pockets. Well played.
Tags: Capitol Hill, Congress, George Lopez, hulking out, Lou Dobbs, Michael Jackson, President Obama, Rep. Joe Wilson, South Carolina, Toby Keith, town-hall meetings
