A few weeks ago, concerned (i.e. nosy, spiteful, possibly dating archnemesis Matt Wardlaw) citizen-journalist Annie Zaleski leaked a letter I wrote, one that would let all of my constituents know where I’d been since New Year’s Day.
I had every intention of leaking — nay, showering — it on the people myself, but first I wanted to make some revisions, eliminating potentially offensive heterophobic words like “rainbows” and the statement “Bootleg City is the only place I feel any warmth and affection,” which was an insult to my puppy-filled water bed. (The puppies sleep on the bed. I repeat, for PETA’s sake, they’re not in the bed. )
Unfortunately, another letter — an e-mail to my former Spanish lover, Anita — has been leaked, and this one could be slightly more damaging to my career …
From: Robert
To: Anita
Subject: You know what time it is.
Date: Sun, 3 Jan 2010 00:24:54 -0400
Hey, girl. I been thinkin’ ’bout you.
And while you’re asleep in the other room, I’m sitting here in your den, thinking about you and writing you this e-mail. But since I’m an American, I need to be staring at two screens at all times, which is why I’m watching some freaky Pedro Almodovar movie on TV as I write this love (to talk dirty to you, hahaha!!!!!) letter on your laptop. (I know I’m at a loss without the subtitles, but I have to give that guy from “Eat Yo’ Mama’s Tambourine” credit — he’s pretty hot as a young Julia Roberts.)







