Jason: So before we start, Jeff, I’d like you to tell our readers about how you felt when this CD showed up on your doorstep. Sent lovingly by yours truly.

Jeff: Well, for some strange reason, you insisted on requiring a signature for delivery.

Jason: That wasn’t me. That was Amazon. But okay, I’ll take the credit.

Jeff: And the UPS guy happened to show up when I wasn’t home.  So I spent an entire day wondering what wonderful gift someone might have sent me.

Jason: Go on.

Jeff: Something so precious that it needed a signature.

Jason: Yes. YES.

Jeff: It had to be valuable!

Jason: Like a delicate Christmas ornament! Or a puppy!

Jeff: Mayhap! And then the guy showed up, and it was just this dinky little box. And I opened it…and then…

Jason: Go on…

Jeff: Hang on, I need a moment.

Jason: Take your time. Our readers will wait.

Jeff: I opened it, and there…There was this THING…

Jason: …Yes? Yes?

Jeff: Oh, it was awful.

Jason: Tell me. Tell us.

Jeff: It was The Archies Christmas Album featuring Betty & Veronica.

Jason: YES. It WAS. Did you scream out, “MOTHERFUCKER!”? Because that’s what I did when you sent me the Judy Collins CD.

Jeff: I think I may have done that, actually. And then I checked the receipt, and it had your name on it. Along with a brief note.

Jason: …which said…?

Jeff: “Suck it!”

Jason: YES! I wanted to write, “Suck it, fuckface!” but I wasn’t sure if Amazon would stop it from going out.

Jeff: You are a bastard. You really, truly are.

Jason: Yay! Mellowmas, Mellowmas, have a merry Mellowmas!

Jeff: We’ll find out when I send you a copy of — well, we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Jason: I threw the Judy Collins CD across the room, which was a bad idea because now the CD case is cracked and I can’t give it to my Aunt. I mean, sure, I could put it in a new case, but that’s a waste of a new case.

Jeff: Just use one of the Mardones cases. (Note: back in 2006, Jeff “graciously” sent Jason the entire Benny Mardones discography.  Prick.)

Jason: Ooooh! You asshole!

Jeff: Or have you had those bronzed?

Jason: They sat on the floor under my desk at work until I left that job. When I was packing up my shit, I was tempted to just leave them there for the next occupant.

Jeff: You should have!

Jason: Instead — and I don’t know why — I took them home. I have no idea where they are now. One, I think, is underneath the litter box.

Jeff: Oh, I know why.

Jason: Why?

Jeff: Because you love Benny Mardones.

Jason: Shit. You have me there.

Jeff: You looooooooooooove him.

Jason: I do kind of looooooove him. Even though I’ve still only heard “Into the Night.”

Jeff: Which sucks, but is still thousands of times better than anything on this piece of shit CD.

Jason: Well, let’s see, shall we?

Jeff: We shall.

Jason: Onto the Archies!

The Archies — I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (download)

From The Archies Christmas Album Featuring Betty and Veronica Amazon iTunes

Jeff: I hate it already. I hate you even more.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! This is awful!

Jeff: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Jason: It might have almost - ALMOST - made sense in 1998.

Jeff: This is like “Sugar Sugar” after someone took a dump on it.

Jason: Ha! Shitty Sugar!

Jeff: Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Jason: I wonder: is this Betty or Veronica?

Jeff: I know we’re supposed to snark on these songs, but all I want to do is swear.

Jason: Man, can you hear the AutoTune? ‘Cause I can totally hear the AutoTune. Key change! Probably achieved by a pitch shift in ProTools!

Jeff: This is the worst thing I’ve ever heard for Mellowmas.

Jason: Oh, stop it.

Jeff: No, I’m serious.

Jason: It’s nowhere NEAR the worst thing you’ve ever heard for Mellowmas.

Jeff: It is!

Jason: It isn’t. You’re being melodramatic. Stop it.

Jeff: I’m not either.

Jason: Yes, you are. Think back.

Jeff: I want to punch this girl. And you. And then the girl again.

Jason: Ha! Hang on, I found the MySpace pages for these girls.

Jeff: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. I was hoping they were Ron Dante after some kind of gross post-production.

Jason: Kelly Lynn and Danielle van Zyl.

Jeff: Hey, these girls are built like the real Betty and Veronica! Suddenly, I like this song more.

Jason: I’m glad you mentioned him. Have you noticed something interesting about this album? It’s The Archies Christmas Album featuring Betty & Veronica. And they’re not kidding. Archie — Ron Dante — gets, like, NO singing time. You heard him a little bit at the end of that track. But the Archies people are no idiots.

Jeff: Says you. And even if they aren’t idiots, they’re still evil.

Jason: They know that kids who read Archie comics, and listen to this stuff, don’t want to hear 100-year-old Ron Dante.

Jeff: KIDS DON’T READ ARCHIE COMICS!

Jason: They don’t? I know I did when I was a kid. But then again, I listen to Mellow Gold, so go figure.

Jeff: Oh my God. Nobody ever slapped you with a rolled-up Spider-Man?

Jason: I had a huge collection of Archie comics. And not just mine — I had my mother’s, too.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Oh, fuck you!

Jeff: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha hah ha hahahahahaha

Jason: If I had known this was going to be a point of teasing, I never would have brought it up. FUCK.

Jeff: I saw Mommy reading Archie comics…

Jason: At least my mom’s not a prostitute. Because yours totally is. I’m just saying. I saw your mommy blowing Santa Claus. And by “Santa Claus,” I mean “me.”

Jeff: At least my mom doesn’t call my dad Mr. Weatherbee.

Jason: You wanna listen to another one? Let’s listen to one of the Archies-centric tracks. Let’s listen to “Archie’s Christmas Party.”

Jeff: Another one? Shit.

Jason: Hey, come on. Ron Dante needs our support.

Jeff: He needs a punch in the head.

Jason: You think that cruise line gig is paying the bills? No siree.

Jeff: Cruise line whaaa?

Jason: Yeah. I, uh, looked him up too.

Jeff: Man, if I bought tickets for a cruise and Ron Dante was the entertainment, I would fucking kill somebody.

Jason: You’d jump off the ship?

Jeff: Jump off? With an open bar? Don’t be stupid. I said I’d kill SOMEONE.

Jason: Dammit. I was hoping you’d jump off. I’m already on the cruise line page, ready to buy you a ticket.

Jeff: Does Ron bring Kelly-Lynn and Danielle on these cruises?

Jason: I’m glad you asked.

Jeff: Ha!

Jason: There he is! He actually looks pretty good. Well preserved.

Jeff: There is no God.

Jason: Only Jughead.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: “Archie’s Christmas Party” or “Here Comes Santa Claus.” Both feature a sliver of Dante. Take your pick.

Jeff: I have “Party” cued up.

Jason: Okay. Let’s give our readers what they deserve! More Archies!

The Archies — Archie’s Christmas Party (download)

From The Archies Christmas Album Featuring Betty and Veronica Amazon iTunes

Jason: Oooh, tambourine! I think that’s Betty singing. Just FYI.

Jeff: Again, I am filled with hate.

Jason: It’s Archie’s Christmas Partyyyyy! We’re gonna have fun! Clap! Clap clap!

Jeff: I wonder if it’s a rainbow party?

Jason: Betty and Veronica will sing along! Archie will stand around and eat pureed food! Reggie will give Hot Dog a reacharound!

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Wait, they just promised us “famous names.”

Jeff: Do these people really think they’re jump-starting the franchise with this record?

Jason: I have no idea.

Jeff: No one is going to buy this. I’m surprised you didn’t get a signed letter from Ron Dante.

Jason: I thought Ron Dante would be driving the UPS truck! Still no Archie on this track, though.

Jeff: Oh, there he is.

Jeff: I think I hear his gums rattling.

Jason: He actually sounds pretty good, all things considered. Like, you know, his AGE.

Jeff: Jesus Christ, this is lame.

Jason: Archie’s Christmas Party! COME ON! COME ON! Archie’s Christmas Party!

Jason: I wonder what Ron Dante thinks when he sings this stuff.
“I get to eat tonight!”

Jeff: How badly would you want to change careers if you played on this album?

Jason: You know, I’m glad you asked that. I always think about these session musicians.

Jeff: Oh no. Did you look them up, too?

Jason: Um…maybe. I looked up the bassist. Leave me alone.

Jeff: Tell me it’s the same guy you stalked at the Air Supply concert.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! I WISH! I love that guy! The bassist plays on oldies cruises. I’m not sure if he plays with Ron Dante, though. Probably.

Jeff: In more ways than one!

Jason: ZING!

Jeff: ZANG! So anyway, those songs suck.

Jason: True dat.

Jeff: Just like everything else on this horrible album.

Jason: But that’s why we feature them this Mellowmas.

Jeff: It’s the Mellowmas spirit.

Jason: And that’s why I sent them to you. Enjoy, asshole. Merry Mellowmas.

Jeff: I hope you choke on that smug grin you’re wearing, dickhole. Merry Mellowmas to you.

We try not to repeat artists we’ve covered in years past during The 25 Days of Mellowmas, but today we make an exception. We had to. Look at that album cover below.  Look at stupid, smug Michael Bolton.  Look how he’s taunting us, almost saying, “take your best shot, assholes.”  Mr. Bolton, the gauntlet has been thrown!

Michael Bolton — Silent Night (download)

From Swingin’ Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jeff: So gentle and pretty. And Bolton isn’t even shouting!

Jason: Didn’t we cover Bolton last year?

Jeff: I feel like we did, yeah. Maybe it was “Silent Night.”

Jason: No, we didn’t do this one. Last year he was yelling at us. Now he’s just kind of whimpering soulfully.

Jeff: I can take a little Bolton when it’s restrained like this.

Jason: This isn’t that bad, actually. Oooh, falsetto!

Jeff: I do miss the mullet on the cover. He looks a little too respectable.

Jason: I don’t hate this too much. I mean, it’s still Bolton, but it’s really not bad.

Jeff: Wait, do you hear that? He’s starting to fuck around with the melody.

Jason: A little, yes.

Jeff: He’s starting…he’s starting to yell.

Jason: I think we’re going to get some more.

Jeff: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallelujah!

Jason: Here it comes, on “Christ…”

Jeff: Why does he do this every time?

Jason: Because he’s really, really angry, Jeff. KEY CHANGE!

Jeff: Dude, he just hummed a little before he yelled “Silent night.”

Jason: He did? There’s the swing in “Swingin’ Christmas!” LOVE’S PURE LIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!

Jeff: I tell you what, though: I am literally wishing for a silent night right now.

Jason: It’s like he’s saying, “now you’re all in big, big trouble.” Does Michael Bolton have kids?

Jeff: Oh, imagine if he did? See? More humming!

Jason: Yup, there it is. He got quiet again at the end.

Jeff: Bolton just gave us a hummer!

Jason: This is like a psychological mind-fuck. This is probably what he does with Nicolette. He’s all gentle, then he fucking freaks out, and then he’s quiet again. And she’s stuck there going, “wait, what just happened?”

Jeff: I think you may have unlocked the source of Bolton’s mysterious appeal. He lures the bitches in, scares them half to death, and then soothes them. I wonder if anyone has written a thesis about his music. I’d like to see his shout-to-sing ratio plotted out on a graph.

Jason: I imagine it probably got higher after the mid-’90s. Look at the cover. Doesn’t it look like that star is going right into his head?

Jeff: There’s room for a galaxy in there.

Jason: It’s like it had a mission — “destroy the mullet” — and then got all confused when it got there. Like Nicolette. Poor Nicolette.

Jeff: She knew what she was getting into.

Jason: He probably starts singing this shit in October.

Jeff: Are you kidding? He probably squeezed this out in one take between rounds of golf in April.

Jason: Still, I have to be honest. That was nowhere near as bad as it could’ve been, really. The arrangement was pretty classy. Yeah, he got a little pissy in the middle, but still, we could have gotten it so much worse. It’s like he tapped us on the head a little instead of punching us in the teeth.

Jeff: No, that’s what’s frustrating about Bolton. He has a modicum of talent, and enough dough to afford real producers and musicians, but he insists on screwing things up — and not in a really interesting way. Kind of like that Air Supply record we listened to during our first Mellowmas.

Jason: I still remember that one! “Love Is All.”

Jeff: I can’t believe you remember the title.

Jason: Yeah, me neither. Sad, isn’t it?

Jeff: I’m sorry, what did you say? I can’t stop staring at that star next to Bolton’s head now. I think it’s talking to me.

Jason: I don’t know how I feel about this one. I mean, I’m not surprised like I was last year with Carrack, but I’m not throwing it out the window with Little River Band and Judy Collins, either.

Jeff: Man, I bet Bolton could sing the fuck out of “Song for Sarajevo.”

Jason: Seriously! And he’d yell just loud enough for me to make a donation. He’d probably set off the landmines with his voice.

Jeff: That would be the best Mellowmas present ever.

Jason: What, Bolton thousands and thousands of miles away, dodging landmines? Agreed.

Jeff: Who said anything about dodging them?

Over the next year Terje Fjelde has agreed to listen to nothing but David Foster on his iPod. He’s loaded the thing with over 1,200 songs produced, arranged, composed, and/or played by the man. A deal with the devil? He keeps wondering.

I’m on vacation, spending the rest of the week by the Mediterranean, but hagen wouldn’t let me off the hook, so here’s a little something for you to enjoy while I’m away. Due to the circumstances, I’m afraid this week’s entry will be painfully short. I left my Fosterclopedia tools at home, so there’ll be no amusing anecdotes or pointless trivia to accompany the music. You may claim that I could have foreseen these events and written this week’s post ahead of schedule, and of course you’re absolutely right. But that’s just not how I work. To paraphrase David Foster, I’m “living for the moment” (from his 1990 solo album River of Love).

“Hold Me Til the Morning Comes,” by Paul Anka

We’re starting this week with a duet. You may remember my duet ramblings from last time, when I mentioned the Paul Anka-Peter Cetera collaboration. I’m sure you were excited by the idea, and who am I to let you down? Here’s the track in all its splendor. Someone — I think some guy at a fan site — noted that it sounds like a lost track from Chicago 17, and I agree. Replace Mr. Anka with Bill Champlin and you’ve got a perfect Chicago ballad (”perfect” being a relative term, of course) in the style of “Hard Habit to Break.”

“I Can Wait Forever,” by Air Supply (from the Ghostbusters soundtrack)

And then we have this memorable ballad from Australia’s most popular soft rockers. It’s my favorite Air Supply ballad, if indeed there is such a thing. “I Can Wait Forever” is a tight, solid David Foster production in the style that made him so famous (or infamous, depending on your tastes) in the early 1980s. In fact, both of the featured songs’ melodies are really strong and infectious. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself humming these tunes as you’re walking home from work this afternoon; I know I do it on a pretty regular basis (note the deliberate ambiguity here).

That’s all for this week. We’ll soon be done with all these power ballads, and then we’ll enter the realm of David Foster: The Solo Artist. Well, gotta go — I have an appointment with Michael Caine and Steve Martin in about half an hour.

Greetings, Videots!

Apologies for the long delay between transmissions, but apparently, some strange things were afoot at Mission Control — the S.S. M.T.V. wasn’t able to raise anyone at the home base for months. It seems as though everything’s back up and running now, so if you’ve got the stomach for it, let’s see what dreaded beast we’ve been able to drag out of the 1980th Dimension this month, shall we?

Fuck! It’s Air Supply!

CAPTAIN VIDEO! will understand if you want to run now, Videots — this could get ugly in a hurry. First of all, Air Supply sucks; second, Air Supply videos suck; and third, where Air Supply songs and videos go, dozens of impassioned housewives inevitably follow. In other words, we might very well soon be pelted with granny panties and harsh words from Airheads all over the Web.

Are you still with us? Are you sure? Okay, let’s get this party started. Well, not a party, really; we are talking about “Making Love Out of Nothing At All,” after all. More like a sunset walk on the beach. (A beach littered with Members Only jackets and high-pitched wailing, but still.) (more…)