Jason: So before we start, Jeff, I’d like you to tell our readers about how you felt when this CD showed up on your doorstep. Sent lovingly by yours truly.

Jeff: Well, for some strange reason, you insisted on requiring a signature for delivery.

Jason: That wasn’t me. That was Amazon. But okay, I’ll take the credit.

Jeff: And the UPS guy happened to show up when I wasn’t home.  So I spent an entire day wondering what wonderful gift someone might have sent me.

Jason: Go on.

Jeff: Something so precious that it needed a signature.

Jason: Yes. YES.

Jeff: It had to be valuable!

Jason: Like a delicate Christmas ornament! Or a puppy!

Jeff: Mayhap! And then the guy showed up, and it was just this dinky little box. And I opened it…and then…

Jason: Go on…

Jeff: Hang on, I need a moment.

Jason: Take your time. Our readers will wait.

Jeff: I opened it, and there…There was this THING…

Jason: …Yes? Yes?

Jeff: Oh, it was awful.

Jason: Tell me. Tell us.

Jeff: It was The Archies Christmas Album featuring Betty & Veronica.

Jason: YES. It WAS. Did you scream out, “MOTHERFUCKER!”? Because that’s what I did when you sent me the Judy Collins CD.

Jeff: I think I may have done that, actually. And then I checked the receipt, and it had your name on it. Along with a brief note.

Jason: …which said…?

Jeff: “Suck it!”

Jason: YES! I wanted to write, “Suck it, fuckface!” but I wasn’t sure if Amazon would stop it from going out.

Jeff: You are a bastard. You really, truly are.

Jason: Yay! Mellowmas, Mellowmas, have a merry Mellowmas!

Jeff: We’ll find out when I send you a copy of — well, we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Jason: I threw the Judy Collins CD across the room, which was a bad idea because now the CD case is cracked and I can’t give it to my Aunt. I mean, sure, I could put it in a new case, but that’s a waste of a new case.

Jeff: Just use one of the Mardones cases. (Note: back in 2006, Jeff “graciously” sent Jason the entire Benny Mardones discography.  Prick.)

Jason: Ooooh! You asshole!

Jeff: Or have you had those bronzed?

Jason: They sat on the floor under my desk at work until I left that job. When I was packing up my shit, I was tempted to just leave them there for the next occupant.

Jeff: You should have!

Jason: Instead — and I don’t know why — I took them home. I have no idea where they are now. One, I think, is underneath the litter box.

Jeff: Oh, I know why.

Jason: Why?

Jeff: Because you love Benny Mardones.

Jason: Shit. You have me there.

Jeff: You looooooooooooove him.

Jason: I do kind of looooooove him. Even though I’ve still only heard “Into the Night.”

Jeff: Which sucks, but is still thousands of times better than anything on this piece of shit CD.

Jason: Well, let’s see, shall we?

Jeff: We shall.

Jason: Onto the Archies!

The Archies — I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (download)

From The Archies Christmas Album Featuring Betty and Veronica Amazon iTunes

Jeff: I hate it already. I hate you even more.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! This is awful!

Jeff: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Jason: It might have almost - ALMOST - made sense in 1998.

Jeff: This is like “Sugar Sugar” after someone took a dump on it.

Jason: Ha! Shitty Sugar!

Jeff: Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Jason: I wonder: is this Betty or Veronica?

Jeff: I know we’re supposed to snark on these songs, but all I want to do is swear.

Jason: Man, can you hear the AutoTune? ‘Cause I can totally hear the AutoTune. Key change! Probably achieved by a pitch shift in ProTools!

Jeff: This is the worst thing I’ve ever heard for Mellowmas.

Jason: Oh, stop it.

Jeff: No, I’m serious.

Jason: It’s nowhere NEAR the worst thing you’ve ever heard for Mellowmas.

Jeff: It is!

Jason: It isn’t. You’re being melodramatic. Stop it.

Jeff: I’m not either.

Jason: Yes, you are. Think back.

Jeff: I want to punch this girl. And you. And then the girl again.

Jason: Ha! Hang on, I found the MySpace pages for these girls.

Jeff: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. I was hoping they were Ron Dante after some kind of gross post-production.

Jason: Kelly Lynn and Danielle van Zyl.

Jeff: Hey, these girls are built like the real Betty and Veronica! Suddenly, I like this song more.

Jason: I’m glad you mentioned him. Have you noticed something interesting about this album? It’s The Archies Christmas Album featuring Betty & Veronica. And they’re not kidding. Archie — Ron Dante — gets, like, NO singing time. You heard him a little bit at the end of that track. But the Archies people are no idiots.

Jeff: Says you. And even if they aren’t idiots, they’re still evil.

Jason: They know that kids who read Archie comics, and listen to this stuff, don’t want to hear 100-year-old Ron Dante.

Jeff: KIDS DON’T READ ARCHIE COMICS!

Jason: They don’t? I know I did when I was a kid. But then again, I listen to Mellow Gold, so go figure.

Jeff: Oh my God. Nobody ever slapped you with a rolled-up Spider-Man?

Jason: I had a huge collection of Archie comics. And not just mine — I had my mother’s, too.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: Oh, fuck you!

Jeff: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha hah ha hahahahahaha

Jason: If I had known this was going to be a point of teasing, I never would have brought it up. FUCK.

Jeff: I saw Mommy reading Archie comics…

Jason: At least my mom’s not a prostitute. Because yours totally is. I’m just saying. I saw your mommy blowing Santa Claus. And by “Santa Claus,” I mean “me.”

Jeff: At least my mom doesn’t call my dad Mr. Weatherbee.

Jason: You wanna listen to another one? Let’s listen to one of the Archies-centric tracks. Let’s listen to “Archie’s Christmas Party.”

Jeff: Another one? Shit.

Jason: Hey, come on. Ron Dante needs our support.

Jeff: He needs a punch in the head.

Jason: You think that cruise line gig is paying the bills? No siree.

Jeff: Cruise line whaaa?

Jason: Yeah. I, uh, looked him up too.

Jeff: Man, if I bought tickets for a cruise and Ron Dante was the entertainment, I would fucking kill somebody.

Jason: You’d jump off the ship?

Jeff: Jump off? With an open bar? Don’t be stupid. I said I’d kill SOMEONE.

Jason: Dammit. I was hoping you’d jump off. I’m already on the cruise line page, ready to buy you a ticket.

Jeff: Does Ron bring Kelly-Lynn and Danielle on these cruises?

Jason: I’m glad you asked.

Jeff: Ha!

Jason: There he is! He actually looks pretty good. Well preserved.

Jeff: There is no God.

Jason: Only Jughead.

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: “Archie’s Christmas Party” or “Here Comes Santa Claus.” Both feature a sliver of Dante. Take your pick.

Jeff: I have “Party” cued up.

Jason: Okay. Let’s give our readers what they deserve! More Archies!

The Archies — Archie’s Christmas Party (download)

From The Archies Christmas Album Featuring Betty and Veronica Amazon iTunes

Jason: Oooh, tambourine! I think that’s Betty singing. Just FYI.

Jeff: Again, I am filled with hate.

Jason: It’s Archie’s Christmas Partyyyyy! We’re gonna have fun! Clap! Clap clap!

Jeff: I wonder if it’s a rainbow party?

Jason: Betty and Veronica will sing along! Archie will stand around and eat pureed food! Reggie will give Hot Dog a reacharound!

Jeff: Ha ha ha!

Jason: Wait, they just promised us “famous names.”

Jeff: Do these people really think they’re jump-starting the franchise with this record?

Jason: I have no idea.

Jeff: No one is going to buy this. I’m surprised you didn’t get a signed letter from Ron Dante.

Jason: I thought Ron Dante would be driving the UPS truck! Still no Archie on this track, though.

Jeff: Oh, there he is.

Jeff: I think I hear his gums rattling.

Jason: He actually sounds pretty good, all things considered. Like, you know, his AGE.

Jeff: Jesus Christ, this is lame.

Jason: Archie’s Christmas Party! COME ON! COME ON! Archie’s Christmas Party!

Jason: I wonder what Ron Dante thinks when he sings this stuff.
“I get to eat tonight!”

Jeff: How badly would you want to change careers if you played on this album?

Jason: You know, I’m glad you asked that. I always think about these session musicians.

Jeff: Oh no. Did you look them up, too?

Jason: Um…maybe. I looked up the bassist. Leave me alone.

Jeff: Tell me it’s the same guy you stalked at the Air Supply concert.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha! I WISH! I love that guy! The bassist plays on oldies cruises. I’m not sure if he plays with Ron Dante, though. Probably.

Jeff: In more ways than one!

Jason: ZING!

Jeff: ZANG! So anyway, those songs suck.

Jason: True dat.

Jeff: Just like everything else on this horrible album.

Jason: But that’s why we feature them this Mellowmas.

Jeff: It’s the Mellowmas spirit.

Jason: And that’s why I sent them to you. Enjoy, asshole. Merry Mellowmas.

Jeff: I hope you choke on that smug grin you’re wearing, dickhole. Merry Mellowmas to you.

Take off that red-and-green shirt, everybody! Today, for the Eighth Day of Mellowmas, we’re going red, white and blue!

Lee Greenwood — It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (download)

From Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jeff: Horns!

Jason: Big production!

Jeff: Whoa. Who is this guy?

Jason: Is that a GUY? Sounds like he’s sucked on some helium! C’mon, You know Lee Greenwood! “God Bless The USA!”

Jeff: I’m…I’m a little stunned. That might be because I’m looking at a picture of Greenwood performing in “his trademark Stars and Stripes jacket.”

Jason: It’s a little hyperactive, yes. And don’t you love that cover? That tux?

Jeff: Oh yes, the tux. I almost forgot about the album cover.

Jason: And here’s the best part…I think either a key change or song switch is coming. I believe every fast-paced song on this song either has a key change or is actually a medley.

Jeff: He looks like a sad old valet who happened to make a Christmas album.

Jason: Ha!

Jeff: Dude, what happened with his voice right there? He turned into Cher for a second, I think. Oh, come ON, Lee Greenwood.

Jason: So I’ll tell you something. I never thought I’d make it through this whole album, but I did. And to my surprise, there were a few tracks I really liked. Like, seriously liked.

Jeff: Yeah, I did too. It isn’t the worst thing we’ve got this year. It has a certain scruffy charm.

Jason: There’s an instrumental “What Child is This” that is kind of nice. The sax is a little Kenny G-esque, though. Also, he does this song called “‘Til the Season Comes ‘Round Again.” Have you ever heard this song before? Because so far, I’ve heard it twice this year. And never before that. Little River Band did it too. And both did a nice job.

Jeff: I think this might be what a Benny Mardones Christmas album would sound like. A little sweaty. Extremely eager to be liked. Although I don’t think Benny would be caught in that stars & stripes jacket.

Jason: Ha! Great picture! Lee knows where his bread is buttered!

Jeff: Actually, I just found out that Lee has a real job. You’ll never guess what it is.

Jason: Librarian? Maitre’D?

Jeff: “In November 2008, President Bush appointed Greenwood to a 6 year term to the National Arts Council.”

Jason: Oh, that’s just fucking PERFECT.

Jeff: Isn’t it, though?

Jason: David Cross has a great bit about Greenwood. He talks about his line “And I’d gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today,” and how Greenwood never actually did that.

Jeff: Folks, if our national anthem is changed to “God Bless the USA” at any time during the next six years, be very suspicious.

Jason: “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” wasn’t that bad either, by the way. He has a nice voice. And the album is recorded well.

Jeff: I’m still really disappointed that this album doesn’t contain any patriotic songs.

Jason: I agree. I was surprised.

Jeff: Or anything about the “War on Christmas.”

Jason: I figured he’d definitely go that route. But Lee Greenwood, once again, proved me wrong.

Jeff: I would have loved it if Lee had done a duet with Toby Keith about hating “happy holidays.”

Jason: I feel like I owe Lee Greenwood an apology.

Jeff: Looking at the album cover, I feel like Lee Greenwood needs to set the table and fetch me my paper.

Jason: “Winter Wonderland!” It’s a medley! Told you! And those horns are real! How did he afford them? This guy must sit home and pray for war so he gets those “God Bless the USA” royalty checks.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jason: I mean, how else does he afford…anything? KEY CHANGE! Medley AND key change! This guy really crams it in!

Jeff: Actually, according to his Wikipedia entry, Lee “has charted more than thirty-five singles on the Billboard country music charts.” I suspect they mean Billboard Ukraine, but whatever.

Jason: !!! I stand corrected! Apologies, Lee!

Jeff: Walkin’ in a winter wonderlaaaaaaaaand

Jason: Oooh, soft sensitive finish! The problem with the album is that the uptempo songs are really hyperactive. But like I said, check out those two or three and you might actually find a good holiday moment in there. Here, of course, we only focus on the crap. I don’t know why he had to medley those two songs. Although I guess he figured, why ruin one when you can ruin two?

Jeff: Maybe he only had the horn section booked for one day?

Jason: Oooh, good point! I mean, they don’t sound like fake horns, do they? I expected an album created in Garage Band.

Jeff: Although, again, with that cushy National Arts Council gig, he can surely afford it.

Jason: Like with a Daryl Dragon backing track.

Jeff: I expected the same thing. Lee let me down, man. Also, now I feel bad for Daryl Dragon. How come the guy who wrote “Love Will Keep Us Together” can’t afford a band as nice as Lee Greenwood’s?

Jason: No National Arts Council appointment.

Jeff: Maybe Obama can name Daryl NAC co-chair.

Jason: Greenwood had it coming, though. Here’s Greenwood performing at the Walt Disney World Christmas special, immediately after a speech by the President at the time, George H.W. Bush! Fast forward to about 50 seconds in.

Jason: He’s duetting with Sally Struthers, I think.

Jeff: NO WAY.

Jason: Oh wait, that’s Sandi Patti. Whoever that is.

Jeff: Christian singer, of course! Where the hell is that assbag Michael W. Smith?

Oh, wow.

Jason: THIS is a patriotic song. For Christmas.

Jeff: He sounds like that guy who does the “real American hero” songs. This is AWESOME. Why isn’t THIS on the album? Screw you, Lee Greenwood!

Jason: Ha! Aren’t you glad I found this?

Jeff: Photo montage! Woman dressed creepily like Raggedy Ann!

Jason: Oh, you’re way behind. I’m already on the gospel choir! And Greenwood doing an awkward dance.

Jeff: Oh, man.

Jason: You go, Sally!

Jeff: This is Mellowmas personified.

Jason: Yeah, pretty much. So if the track wasn’t bad enough, throw in this video and you’ve got a true stinker.

Jeff: I wonder if this is the same tux Lee is wearing on the album cover.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: I love how they’re singing in front of a podium. I also love Greenwood’s “Michael Bolton Lite” mullet.

Jason: Ha ha ha! Well, I think Bush had just been up there, talking about…I don’t know. I guess a thousand points of light.

Jeff: Yeah, I know. But why couldn’t they give Lee and Sally their own stage? And wat the hell are those people clapping for? Did something else just happen?

Jason: They have to! They’re in the presence of the President of the United States of America!

Jeff: According to one of the comments under the video, Lee and Sally did this for Fourth of July one year, too.

Jason: Wow, that’s a shocker.

Jeff: Ha!

Jason: We have to give Greenwood credit. He could have very easily stuck a patriotic number on this disc. But he didn’t. I think I…kind of RESPECT him.

Jeff: You’re right. It pains me to say it, but you’re right.

Jason: Nice job, Lee Greenwood.

Jeff: You…decent guy.

Jason: You maintained some dignity. And that’s not easy to do when George W. Bush appoints you to something. God bless YOU, Lee Greenwood. God bless the USA. And God bless Mellowmas, and all who keep it holy.

Jeff: God bless your kinda-not-shitty Christmas record.

Howdy, everybody!  Happy Halloween!  Between Tina Turner’s hair and Eddie Money’s face, it’s quite a scary week here at CHART ATTACK!  Take a look back at what singles were topping the Billboard Hot 100 on November 1, 1986!

10.  All Cried Out — Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam with Full Force Amazon iTunes
9.  Take Me Home Tonight — Eddie Money Amazon iTunes
8.  Sweet Love — Anita Baker Amazon iTunes
7.  When I Think of You — Janet Jackson Amazon iTunes
6.  True Blue — Madonna Amazon iTunes
5.  Human — Human League Amazon iTunes
4.  Amanda — Boston Amazon iTunes
3.  I Didn’t Mean to Turn You On — Robert Palmer Amazon iTunes
2.  Typical Male — Tina Turner Amazon iTunes
1.  True Colors — Cyndi Lauper Amazon iTunes

10. All Cried Out — Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam with Full Force

I have the weirdest memory of this song. I remember watching America’s Funniest Home Videos very early on in its run (I was 12, okay?), and they had a video of a guy who had done his makeup half as a bride, half as a groom.  And his shtick was that he sang “All Cried Out” in profile to the camera, half as the woman and half as the man.  That’s all I remember about this song; it wasn’t until I listened to it just now that I realized it was even a duet. Who’s the guy, anyway?  I’m guessing he was in Full Force.  According to Wikipedia, Full Force had two vocalists — Paul Anthony or Bowlegged Lou — so I guess it was one of those two.  Please let it be Bowlegged Lou.  I like the idea of someone named Lisa Lisa having a passionate lover’s quarrel with Bowlegged Lou.  “You listen here, Lisa Lisa!”  “Don’t talk to me like that, Bowlegged Lou!”  And then, of course, later, they reconcile, and before you know it, the priest is going, “Do you, Lisa Lisa, take Bowlegged Lou…”

Why did Lisa Lisa need Full Force, anyway?  Wasn’t having Cult Jam enough?  Both sound like formidable teams, but a Full Force Cult Jam sounds like overkill.

Holy cow, here’s a “live” performance from 1986, and guess what? Paul Anthony and Bowlegged Lou sing to Lisa Lisa! It’s a Full Force threesome!  Fast forward to 1:40 for the good stuff, and by “good stuff,” I mean “some seriously awful fashion decisions.”

I personally find this song to be just another lame ballad, but apparently, I’m in the minority: listen to this crowd do all the singing at this performance from earlier this year. They’re loving this one, even without good ol’ Bowlegged Lou. By the way, I’m not saying that people can’t get older and maybe put on a few pounds, now she’s more like Lisa Lisa Lisa.

9. Take Me Home Tonight — Eddie Money

Is it just me, or does Eddie Money kind of look like Benny Mardones?

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