Posts Tagged ‘Beyonce’

Unsolicited Career Advice for … Donny Osmond

So Lev comes over to my place last week—first time he’s been around in a while. We have a few beers and watch Tiger Woods implode, split a calzone from Napoli’s, chat a bit. He gets up to leave and, almost as an afterthought, tells me he has more Uncle Donnie memos in his car. Of course, I get pissed—I would have much rather spent the afternoon reading through Uncle Donnie’s memos than watching golf. Lev probably knew that, but his TV was broken and he really wanted to watch Tiger. Whatever.

This is a recent missive Uncle Donnie sent to one particular toothy Mormon Vegas singer. Methinks there might have been ulterior motives in play, though. -RS

TO: Donny Osmond
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

From one Don to another, Donny, we need to get you out there, in a real way. Twenty years since your last hit is too long. Now, I understand you might not think the public is ready for you to reemerge, but you’re wrong, Donny-Boy. Really wrong.

Right now, this very minute, I could get on the facsimile machine and book you a US tour that would take you from Utah to the Florida panhandle, up to Maine, over to California, and back to Utah again. Seventy, eighty shows. And we could do it all in around six weeks, because we’d be playing in under-utilized performance spaces: abandoned Circuit City storefronts. Not inside the stores, mind you; outside them, on the sidewalk. Guerrilla style, like those Rage Against the Machine guys. Set up, play a half hour—”Puppy Love,” “Sacred Emotion,” “Go Away Little Girl,” “One Bad Apple,” “Love Me for a Reason,” maybe a cover of something current, then “Soldier of Love,” done—then pack up and move on to the next place. We could do three or four a day, depending on the routing. Think about it. People hanging around outside abandoned Circuit City storefronts are hungry for your music, and they don’t even know it. (more…)

Unsolicited Career Advice for… Jennifer Lopez

Wasn’t aware that Uncle Donnie had a hand in the movie business until I found this missive.  Of course, the “properties” he’s pushing probably explain why.  Still, wouldn’t it be cool to see J-Lo play Selena again? —RS

TO: Jennifer Lopez
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career Advice

J-Lo! It’s D-Skwatz. How are you, babe? How are the twins? No, not those twins—the babies! Ha! Mitzi sends her best to you and Mark. Speaking of the hubby, last time we saw you two (at Mottola’s rooftop garden party), Mitzi offered to send him one of her crochet hoodies, if he’d send her your mailing address. I told her to just send it to your management, but she’s insistent. So if you get the chance, tell us where you live, or get Marc to give Mitzi a call. The hoody is really cozy in the winter.

Where have you been? I know motherhood takes a lot of work, but did you have to disappear? I know, there’s a red carpet here, an awards show there, but you haven’t been seen, you know, really professionally, in quite a while. Making yourself scarce certainly helps build a bit of mystique around you, but enough is enough. Besides, you’re a mystery like I’m a breakdancer. Boogaloo Skwatzenschitz I ain’t, honey (though I have been known to “bust a move,” as you say, when I hear that sax from “Get Right “).

So it’s time to relaunch J-Lo—you, your career, your brand, everything. The whole nueve yardas. I have a few ideas, as you might guess—I’m an idea guy. Here are mine for you:

  • Get back into movies. I have two really hot properties you’d be perfect for, The first is called The League of Zombie Entertainers. It’s 2025, and thanks to a strange lab experiment, Frank Sinatra, Patsy Cline, Jim Croce, and Selena are reanimated in space and sent back to Earth to fight crime. Their travel is facilitated by Cher, who we all know can move between the living and undead with ease. I’ve got Harry Connick lined up as Ol’ Blue Eyes, Faith Hill as Patsy Cline, Jason Lee as Croce, and you, I’ve got penciled in as Selena, naturally. Better act quickly, though; that little trollop Shakira wants in and my backers are getting antsy. Oh, and I’ve got Ben Affleck signed on to play Cher—that won’t be a problem, will it? The other film is a biopic—Rita Moreno: The Electric Company Years. Needless to say, lots of drugs and nudity. Big Oscar possibilities, though.
  • (more…)

Mojo’s Cold Shot: Setting the Record Straight on Etta James

To the hardcore fan of 1950s blues, R&B, and soul, Etta James can be vexing. To anyone following the news lately, her calling out of Beyonce for singing “At Last” at an Obama inaugural ball was completely annoying–especially since Beyonce probably did more to increase awareness of the great soul singer among today’s pop fans through her depiction of James in the Chess Records movie Cadillac Records.

Just to get the obvious comparisons out of the way, here’s Etta:

Here’s Beyonce:

Clearly both are gifted singers, one a currently popular diva and the other a well-traveled soul singer with more breadth, depth, experience and nuance than any current diva will likely ever have. In fact, some people could argue that James blazed a path through the music industry so the Beyonces of today could be successful. If we were talking baseball, Beyonce might be Grady Sizemore–who might some day be an all-time great–but Etta James is Roger Maris. Or Frank Robinson. Or Reggie Jackson. (more…)

Unsolicited Career Advice for… Beyoncé

For someone who doesn’t know a lot about hip-hop (as we surmised from his memo to the late Tupac Shakur), Uncle Donnie does seem to be well acquainted with certain hip-hop movers and shakers.   Apparently, he’s close enough with Mr. and Mrs. Shawn Carter to score an invite to their “did-they-or-didn’t-they” nuptials last year.  Of course, after receiving this missive, who knows if he’ll be invited back if they ever renew their vows? —RS

TO: Beyoncé Knowles
FROM: Don Skwatzenschitz
RE: Career advice

Hey, there, Beyoncé.  It’s been too long, I know.  Mitzi and I really wanted to be at the wedding last year, but the dress she bought for the occasion gave her hives, and she couldn’t recover in time.  We hope you liked the Macy’s gift card.  They had a great deal on table linens recently; we got some very nice vinyl place mats that look like tree branches.  If you’ve got anything left on the card, I highly recommend the place mats.

Anyway, I see that you’re riding high on the charts with I Am … Sasha Fierce, though I’m not sure who Sasha is, and I haven’t trusted the whole alter ego thing since Garth took my advice on the Chris Gaines thing back in ’99.  What’s going on?  I mean, you could be even bigger than you are right now, but I think you could use a little guidance.  Since we’re old pals, I thought I might offer you some advice:

  • Play more inaugurations. The video of you singing “At Last” at that Obama inaugural ball was outstanding—a real moment.  Have you ever been on the TV more often than you were the week after that ball?  I think not.  Imagine how much exponential publicity you could receive if you played more inaugural balls.  I think Iraq is having an election soon. And those eastern European countries are always going to the polls for something.  Your name could become synonymous with democracy, and you’d be in the news almost constantly.  It’d be better than playing Vegas.
  • Make a duet record with Jay-Z. You two are great together.  “Crazy in Love?” Are you kidding?  Mitzi still shakes her rump to that, and even has the rap down cold.  People will pay for more.  In the grand tradition of Allman and Woman, Johnny Cash and His Woman, you and your hubby could do HOVA and His Bitch. It’d be a little like those records Kristofferson did with Rita Coolidge back in the 70s. Remember them? Probably not—that was a bit before your time. But trust the Skwatzenschitz—they were awesome. You could be as big as Rita Coolidge.
  • Make an ass calendar. Gather a dozen photos of your badonkadonk—one for each month of the year—and put them on a calendar for 2010.  You might not even have to put your name on it—you have the most recognizable tookas this side of J-Lo, so people would probably just know it was yours.  You’ll make millions—I guarantee it.
  • Fake your death. What does America love more than a diva?  A dead diva, that’s what.  Think Marilyn Monroe.  True, she didn’t really sing, but she’s an icon.  And she’s dead.  You could be an icon, too.  Collapse onstage in LA, we’ll have you in a cottage up in Mendocino in four hours.  Do it in Miami, and you and Jigga are choppered out to a waiting yacht in minutes.  Get in a plane that is reported disappeared, and you don’t even have to go onstage—we whisk you off to the Alps to live out your days living off all the Beyoncé merch people will absolutely have to have.  Think about it.  It’d really be no work at all to get it done.

All the best,

Don

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Mix Six: “Oh So Middle School”

DOWNLOAD THE FULL MIX HERE

Do you remember you middle school years?  For old codgers like me, middle school was called “junior high” and yes, it was also den of conflicting emotions, big changes in bodies, self-awareness,  crushes, and for some, the beginning of a love affair with music that shaped one’s tastes for years to come.

My daughter is in the thick of it right now. Middle school friends, cliques, status symbols (Thank the cellphone gods I signed up for unlimited texting), fretting over hair, clothes, makeup, and gossiping about boys.  But music is very important to her as well.  I know she likes some of the music I enjoy, but that’s starting to change as she charts her own course and develops her own tastes that reflect her generation.

I gave her a texting assignment a few weeks ago, and it was pretty simple:  Have her friends text in three of their favorite songs, bands, or singers. She sent out a mass text to 20 of her closest friends, and most couldn’t peg a particular song they liked, but they sure had opinions on favorite band or singers.  There was a lot of overlap, and some editing by yours truly, but what follows is a pretty good unscientific sample of the middle school soundtrack in a San Francisco/Bay Area suburb.


“Fences,” Paramore (download)

Granted, this band has been around for a few years, but having a song featured on the Twilight soundtrack has propelled Paramore from “Yeah, they’re kind of cool” to the cusp of superstardom.  While many of their songs have an unremarkable pop/rock sound (to me, anyway), “Fences” stands out in part because of the infectious Cure/”Love Cats”-inspired bass line. (more…)