Happy Friday and welcome to another edition of CHART ATTACK! So last time we met here to dissect a Billboard chart, it was a Top 10 from 1971, and I got my ass handed to me by readers who (rightfully) corrected me on a million small errors I made (okay, okay, it was a Tony Orlando impersonator, not Tony Orlando! I’m sorry!). So this week, to try and save face, I thought I’d fast-forward ahead 20 years to a chart you probably don’t care about. That being said, if I botched something here, keep it to yourself let me know. Sit back and try to enjoy our journey back to March 16, 1991!

10. Hold You Tight — Tara Kemp Amazon iTunes
9. Where Does My Heart Beat Now — Celine Dion Amazon iTunes
8. Get Here — Oleta Adams Amazon iTunes
7. All the Man That I Need — Whitney Houston Amazon iTunes
6. This House — Tracie Spencer Amazon iTunes
5. All This Time — Sting Amazon iTunes
4. Coming Out of the Dark — Gloria Estefan Amazon iTunes
3. Show Me the Way — Styx Amazon iTunes
2. One More Try — Timmy T Amazon iTunes
1. Someday — Mariah Carey Amazon iTunes

10. Hold You Tight — Tara Kemp

Anybody remember Tara Kemp? She had two singles in the Top 10, this one (which peaked at #3) and “Piece of My Heart,” which reached #7. This song vaguely rang a bell, but I’m not sure why: it really doesn’t have anything original going for it. It never changes chords and the drum beat seems as it was ripped off of Soul II Soul. Even worse, the song has quite a few irritating qualities. Let’s start with the “oh, whoa” that is clearly supposed to be the clever hook of the song.

Then let’s build on that with a synth riff that my dog could have written.

Then, let’s take the part where Tara breaks it down with some funky singing.

What the hell is that yelp at the beginning? On its own, it’s actually quite creepy. Imagine being married to Tara Kemp and hearing this whenever you forgot to take out the garbage.

And yet…at 2 A.M. last night, I couldn’t get “Hold You Tight” out of my head.

9. Where Does My Heart Beat Now — Celine Dion

I’m not gonna lie to you: I owned this album. I bought it after I heard her knock her vocal in “Voices That Care” out of the park. And although I only listened to it once and I don’t remember any of other songs, I’ll step up and defend this one. I think it’s a strong ballad and was a great choice to introduce Celine to the American audience: the single went to #4 and became the first of her ten Top 10 singles. And here’s a surprise for you (and me): this single was not produced by David Foster!

You were all expecting me to rip Celine apart, right? I can’t do it. I know it’s the popular thing to do, but I can’t really find any reason to dislike her. She has a fantastic voice, and she gives your mom a reason to still buy music. That should be enough right there, but if it’s not, you should watch this video (if you haven’t already). It’s obviously trying to be snarky, but I think it kind of fails in that regard.

8. Get Here — Oleta Adams (download)

Here’s what I’ve learned about Oleta Adams and “Get Here”:

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