Representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina became a household name on Wednesday when he “heckled” President Obama during the commander-in-chief’s speech on health-care reform before a joint session of Congress. After Obama assured lawmakers that any systemwide overhaul wouldn’t extend health benefits to illegal immigrants, Wilson rebel-yelled, “You lie!”
According to congressional aide Mark Cloth, who wished to remain anonymous but didn’t bribe me enough to warrant serious consideration, Wilson was seen drinking 12-ounce cups of espresso for several hours before the president’s speech. The fourth-term conservative Republican lawmaker was also “high on pro-life and a two-day marathon of Lou Dobbs Tonight on his DVR.”
The cheapskate aide also revealed that Wilson’s supposedly spontaneous outburst was carefully scripted in order to convey the most effective opposition to Obama’s health-care initiatives, with dozens of drafts written over the past several weeks. In the end, however, simple noun-verb agreement combined with pro-wrestling body language proved to be the most direct route to getting Wilson’s point across.
And what’s so bad about simplicity? We live in a time of “tweets,” after all. Call Rep. Joe Wilson what you will, but he’s taught me a valuable lesson about keeping Sugar Water short and simple from now on, because otherwise all those words in my brain just pile up alongside all those newspaper clippings gathering dust on my desk, and suddenly it’s been almost two months since I wrote an actual column.
Granted, I spent all of August traveling around the country to President Obama’s town-hall meetings so I could stand beside angry Americans and shout “Rubber baby buggy bumpers!” over and over again — none of them heard me since they were all busy yelling nonsensical words and phrases themselves — but now I’m back. America, I need this forum. And you need me. Even if you have no interest in bribing me.
