I know what you’re thinking: isn’t Popdose closed for the season?  What the hell is CHART ATTACK! doing here?  You raise a good point, but today’s post is here for two reasons.  First, I scheduled this CHART ATTACK! well over a year ago, before Popdose was even hatched, and second, today’s chart is by our good friend (and talented writer) David Eastman.  And we all owe a big debt of gratitude to David Eastman.  You wouldn’t be here now if it weren’t for him.

You see, it was back in September ‘07 when our fearless leader Jefito had his website, well, pwned.  His web hosting company went under, and took all of Jeff’s hard work with him.  Jeff wasn’t so sure he ever wanted to bother doing a personal website again.  I wrote a post about it, and in the comments, Mr. Eastman wrote the following:

I humbly submit that Jeff and Jason join forces, divvy up the work, and rely on a growing cadre of eager submitters to build J-blog v. 2.0.

Jeff could be the editor and do whatever features he pleased, Jason could do Mellow Gold and post McD. pictures, and the rest of us could kick in other flotsam on a regular basis to help them build the bestest blog ever. It’d be like Voltron!

Well, it didn’t exactly happen just like that, but Jeff and I took David’s suggestion to heart, and a few months later, Popdose was born.  So this holiday season, when you’re either reflecting on how thankful you are for Popdose or cursing us for the Mellowmas dreck we’re putting you through, remember that it’s pretty much because of David.

On that note, enjoy one final CHART ATTACK! for 2008 and we’ll see you in the new year.  Take it away, David!  — JH

1977 was a monster. “Bohemian Rhapsody” was named top single of the previous 25 years. Punk spewed forth in the form of the Damned, the Clash, the Ramones and the Sex Pistols. Billy Joel planted his flag with The Stranger; Steely Dan gave us Aja; Fleetwood Mac unleashed a little collection known as Rumors. The Police, Van Halen, the Cars and Devo all signed their first record contracts. Led Zeppelin and the Supremes, meanwhile, performed their last US concerts. Lynyrd Skynyrd’s plane went down. Studio 54 went up. And Elvis Presley, the King of it all, died on his porcelain throne.

Yeah, ‘77 was huge. But man, speaking of toilets …

Ha-ha, I kid, of course! The pop charts of ‘77 were as good as the greater rock scene; bedecked in gems the likes of which we’ve ha-ha-ha-ha, I kid you again! A lot of this stuff sucked. Not all of it, but a lot of it. Really, there must have been something in the water that year. (Note: the obvious Jonestown joke would not be operative for another 11 months.) That said, most of these songs have long been lurking on my iPod, so you can’t trust me for anything but hypocrisy. Hey, speaking of awkward segues, let’s talk about the week of December 5, 1977:

10.  (Every Time I Turn Around) Back in Love Again — L.T.D. Amazon iTunes
9.  It’s So Easy — Linda Ronstadt Amazon iTunes
8.  Boogie Nights — Heatwave Amazon iTunes
7.  We’re All Alone — Rita Coolidge Amazon iTunes
6.  Heaven on the 7th Floor — Paul Nicholas Amazon
5.  Blue Bayou — Linda Ronstadt Amazon iTunes
4.  Baby, What a Big Surprise — Chicago Amazon iTunes
3.  How Deep is Your Love — Bee Gees Amazon iTunes
2.  Don’t it Make My Brown Eyes Blue — Crystal Gayle Amazon iTunes
1.  You Light Up My Life — Debby Boone Amazon iTunes

10. (Every Time I Turn Around) Back in Love Again –- L.T.D.

L.T.D. was formed in 1968 by two former members of Sam & Dave’s backing group. Within a year they were fronted by drummer/vocalist Jeffrey “Wings of Love” Osborne. This song, the band’s second top 40 hit, was penned by Messrs. Zane Gray and Len Ron Hanks, who would later write hits for Tavares (”Never Knew Love Like This Before”) and Will Smith (”Da Butta”).

Hahahahahaha! I kid a third time! Wait, no I don’t. There really is a song called “Da Butta” by Will Smith. Damn. Well, in any event, L.T.D.’s little slice o’ funk is pleasant enough, and the echoes of Stax in the track start our Attack off pretty strong. Move to the groove with this Soul Train appearance, starring the USC Marching Band and 12 bolts of shiny red fabric:

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Hey everybody!  Just think: one week from now, you’ll probably be feeling full and somewhat nauseous from all the food you’ve ingested.  I say, why wait a week?  Get that nauseous feeling right now as we tackle the Billboard Top 10 from November 24, 1984!

10.  I Just Called to Say I Love You  — Stevie Wonder Amazon iTunes
9.  Penny Lover — Lionel Richie Amazon iTunes
8.  All Through the Night — Cyndi Lauper Amazon iTunes
7.  Strut — Sheena Easton Amazon iTunes
6.  Caribbean Queen (No More Love on the Run) — Billy Ocean Amazon iTunes
5.  Better Be Good to Me — Tina Turner Amazon iTunes
4.  Out of Touch — Daryl Hall and John Oates Amazon iTunes
3.  I Feel For You — Chaka Khan Amazon iTunes
2.  Purple Rain — Prince and the Revolution Amazon iTunes
1.  Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go — Wham! Amazon iTunes

10. I Just Called to Say I Love You — Stevie Wonder

I’m sorry. I know it’s cliché, but I have to.

It’s funny ’cause it’s true! There are, sadly, a lot of people out there who think of this song when they think of Stevie Wonder, and seriously, that pains me. You know who I’m talking about. You probably work with them.

Barry asks another important question here: “Is it, in fact, unfair to criticize a formerly great artist for his latter day sins?” No, it’s not. Stevie Wonder may be a musical genius, but it doesn’t mean I have to love everything he’s ever released. “I Just Called to Say I Love You” is actually a well-written song. It’s poppy, it’s catchy, and the sentiment is simple, yet original. However, none of this changes the fact that this is song comes nowhere near the caliber of his work from the ’70s. And I’m still on the fence as to whether I give him credit or points off for the cha-cha-cha ending.

When I hear this song today (and I try not to), this is what I usually think about:

9. Penny Lover — Lionel Richie (download)

When you’re on fire like Lionel Richie in 1984, you can do whatever the hell you want.  You can write a song called “Penny Lover,” which is not actually about somebody who loves pennies, or even about someone who loves girls named Penny.  And you can sit back and watch your song reach the Top 10, without batting an eye.  That being said, “Penny Lover” peaked at #8 and thus became Richie’s lowest-charting solo single to date.  This doesn’t seem so bad until you realize that he co-wrote the song with his wife, Brenda, and you just know that Lionel got the shit kicked out of him for that one.  “You write a song with ‘Tam bo li de say de moi ya” and it goes to #1, but my song stalls at #8?  Go outside and find me a switch!”

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Howdy, everybody!  Happy Halloween!  Between Tina Turner’s hair and Eddie Money’s face, it’s quite a scary week here at CHART ATTACK!  Take a look back at what singles were topping the Billboard Hot 100 on November 1, 1986!

10.  All Cried Out — Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam with Full Force Amazon iTunes
9.  Take Me Home Tonight — Eddie Money Amazon iTunes
8.  Sweet Love — Anita Baker Amazon iTunes
7.  When I Think of You — Janet Jackson Amazon iTunes
6.  True Blue — Madonna Amazon iTunes
5.  Human — Human League Amazon iTunes
4.  Amanda — Boston Amazon iTunes
3.  I Didn’t Mean to Turn You On — Robert Palmer Amazon iTunes
2.  Typical Male — Tina Turner Amazon iTunes
1.  True Colors — Cyndi Lauper Amazon iTunes

10. All Cried Out — Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam with Full Force

I have the weirdest memory of this song. I remember watching America’s Funniest Home Videos very early on in its run (I was 12, okay?), and they had a video of a guy who had done his makeup half as a bride, half as a groom.  And his shtick was that he sang “All Cried Out” in profile to the camera, half as the woman and half as the man.  That’s all I remember about this song; it wasn’t until I listened to it just now that I realized it was even a duet. Who’s the guy, anyway?  I’m guessing he was in Full Force.  According to Wikipedia, Full Force had two vocalists — Paul Anthony or Bowlegged Lou — so I guess it was one of those two.  Please let it be Bowlegged Lou.  I like the idea of someone named Lisa Lisa having a passionate lover’s quarrel with Bowlegged Lou.  “You listen here, Lisa Lisa!”  “Don’t talk to me like that, Bowlegged Lou!”  And then, of course, later, they reconcile, and before you know it, the priest is going, “Do you, Lisa Lisa, take Bowlegged Lou…”

Why did Lisa Lisa need Full Force, anyway?  Wasn’t having Cult Jam enough?  Both sound like formidable teams, but a Full Force Cult Jam sounds like overkill.

Holy cow, here’s a “live” performance from 1986, and guess what? Paul Anthony and Bowlegged Lou sing to Lisa Lisa! It’s a Full Force threesome!  Fast forward to 1:40 for the good stuff, and by “good stuff,” I mean “some seriously awful fashion decisions.”

I personally find this song to be just another lame ballad, but apparently, I’m in the minority: listen to this crowd do all the singing at this performance from earlier this year. They’re loving this one, even without good ol’ Bowlegged Lou. By the way, I’m not saying that people can’t get older and maybe put on a few pounds, now she’s more like Lisa Lisa Lisa.

9. Take Me Home Tonight — Eddie Money

Is it just me, or does Eddie Money kind of look like Benny Mardones?

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Howdy, everybody! It’s CHART ATTACK! time once again!, What can I tell you about this week? Well, at least three of our artists owe their chart success to MTV. Four of our artists are from Europe, and strangely enough, three are from Michigan. And I’d say that just over 50% of today’s songs still hold up today, but I’ll leave you to make that decision for yourself. Let’s jump into October 5, 1985!

10. Part-Time Lover — Stevie Wonder Amazon iTunes
9. Dancing in the Street — Mick Jagger and David Bowie Amazon iTunes
8. Lonely Ol’ Night — John Cougar Mellencamp Amazon iTunes
7. Freedom — Wham! Amazon iTunes
6. Saving All My Love for You — Whitney Houston Amazon iTunes
5. Dress You Up — Madonna Amazon iTunes
4. Take On Me — a-ha Amazon iTunes
3. Oh Sheila — Ready for the World Amazon iTunes
2. Cherish — Kool & the Gang Amazon iTunes
1. Money for Nothing — Dire Straits Amazon iTunes

10. Part-Time Lover — Stevie Wonder

I am slowly working my way through the entirety of Stevie’s discography. I’m extremely familiar with everything he released from 1971 through 1976, which doesn’t sound like a lot until you remember that Stevie Wonder’s a prolific, musical genius and released six albums (including a double album) within that period. Anyway, so far, I’ve made it as far as 1980’s Hotter Than July, which is actually a phenomenal record. This means I have another record or two until I get to In Square Circle, which is where you’ll find “Part-Time Lover.” Any thoughts on the album, readers? If it’s no good, let me know; I ignored all the people who said Journey Through the Secret Life of Plants was a piece o’ crap and boy, do I regret it now.

But I digress. I like this song. No, it’s not going to hold a candle to anything Stevie released in the ’70s, but to hold any of these songs to that standard is completely pointless, and besides, this is a catchy pop song. “Undercover passion on the run” is a great phrase. Also, I love the story: he’s cheating on her, but (gasp!) she’s cheating on him too! SNAP! “Part-Time Lover” reached #1 on the Pop, R&B, Dance and Adult Contemporary charts, making Stevie the first artist to accomplish such a feat.

Here’s the music video, featuring Stevie groovin’ in a club meant for people who can’t really dance. Also, for the first part of the video, he’s in a triangle for some reason.

I saw Stevie live three times this past year. He played “I Just Called to Say I Love You” at two of the shows, and at all three, he let “Ribbon in the Sky” drag on for 20 minutes. Not once did he play “Part-Time Lover.” I feel slightly jilted, but still, if Stevie comes to your town, run, don’t walk.

9. Dancing in the Street — Mick Jagger and David Bowie

Remember in early 1990, when Angela Bowie made the rounds on the talk show circuit and dished details about finding Mick and David in bed together, naked? And remember how it was this big, salacious bombshell? Anybody who found that news shocking obviously never saw the “Dancing in the Street” video.

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One of the questions I am occasionally asked by readers, other than “Are you sure you’re straight?,” is “Why don’t you write more?” (This is also the question I am asked most often by our Editor-in-Chief.) Without giving you the long lame-ass explanation about the various balls I’m juggling on a daily basis (yes, I’m sure), I’ll just say that I happen to be a very slow writer. CHART ATTACK! and other posts, like last week’s Earmageddon entries, take me days and days to write. I imagine they’d take even longer if I was actually funny.

And this is just one of the reasons why Jeff is my personal hero, folks. Not only does the man write articles of substance, but he churns ‘em out like babies on a polygamist compound. This week’s guest writer punked out with less than two days to spare; Sir Jefito came to my rescue and turned in this entire post in just over two hours. Yes, his kids went hungry, but that’s just the kind of guy he is — anything for Popdose.

So those of you who have been clamoring for another oldie chart, I’m happy to present this one to you. Enjoy, because we’ll be hovering around the ’80s until November. Give thanks to Jeff as he presents us with September 20, 1969! -JH

10. I Can’t Get Next to You — The Temptations Amazon iTunes
9. Little Woman — Bobby Sherman Amazon iTunes
8. Jean — Oliver Amazon iTunes
7. Get Together — The Youngbloods Amazon iTunes
6. (It Looks Like) I’ll Never Fall in Love Again — Tom Jones Amazon iTunes
5. Easy to Be Hard — Three Dog Night Amazon iTunes
4. A Boy Named Sue — Johnny Cash Amazon iTunes
3. Green River — Creedence Clearwater Revival Amazon iTunes
2. Honky Tonk Woman — The Rolling Stones Amazon iTunes
1. Sugar, Sugar — The Archies Amazon iTunes

Howdy, gang! Good to see all of you hungry Chart Attackers again — it’s been awhile, hasn’t it? I didn’t mean to be away for so long, but Jason’s got the CA! schedule booked pretty solid, and whenever I volunteer to take over for one of his weeks, he waves me away for some reason. I can’t figure it out. (It’s usually because you’ve just farted. -JH)

But this week? This week, Jason had no choice. Our old buddy Kurt — who you might remember from his on-again/off-again blog, Kurt’s Krap, and his appearances at Chartburn — was scheduled to lead you through this chart, but he slipped and sprained his vagina, forcing him to punk out cancel at the last minute. Never one to pass up an opportunity to attack a chart, I quickly agreed to take over, at which point I realized I was -5 years old when these songs were popular. Shit! (more…)

Welcome back to another edition of CHART ATTACK!, everyone! Sick of the ’90s? Sick of the ’80s? Sick of … uh … the ’40s, ’50s and ’60s, 1970, 1971, and 1973 - 1979? (I’m reaching here.) Then have we got a year for you! This time last year, guest writer Beau Dure covered a 1976 CHART ATTACK!, and he’s back to tackle 1972! By the way, Beau runs his own fantastic blog, Mostly Modern Media, and is also all over the Sports section at USA Today. Between the two sites, it’s almost like you were at the Olympics yourself! But for now, enjoy Beau’s fine writing right here at Popdose! - JH

Are you ready to rock? Or R&B? Or AC? Or whatever you call Looking Glass?

Welcome to a diverse bunch of classics, most of which you can still hum today. You can also still hum Kid Rock’s latest, but only because you’re really humming “Werewolves of London.”

September 2, 1972:

10. Back Stabbers — O’Jays Amazon iTunes
9. Rock and Roll Part 2 — Gary Glitter Amazon iTunes
8. You Don’t Mess Around With Jim — Jim Croce Amazon iTunes
7. Goodbye to Love — Carpenters Amazon iTunes
6. Baby Don’t Get Hooked on Me — Mac Davis Amazon iTunes
5. Hold Your Head Up — Argent Amazon iTunes
4. Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl) — Looking Glass Amazon iTunes
3. I’m Still in Love With You — Al Green Amazon iTunes
2. Long Cool Woman (In a Black Dress) — The Hollies Amazon iTunes
1. Alone Again (Naturally) — Gilbert O’Sullivan Amazon iTunes

10. Back Stabbers — O’Jays

I had a lot of insights into this song as an allegory reaching beyond mere relationship paranoia to the greater social realm into which many R&B contemporaries were operating, but AllMusic already did that. They also noted the dichotomy between this one, their first hit, and the next one, the #1 ray of sunshine “Love Train.”

So what can I add to this? Probably just the performance clip from Soul Train to get us all feeling that 70s vibe …

9. Rock and Roll Part 2 — Gary Glitter

Upon reading a few books on Tibetan mysticism, a young Gary Glitter made a pilgrimage to the region. He was stunned to be greeted by the Dalai Lama himself. The Dalai’s teachings on happiness and desire were a revelation to Glitter, who had been raised on French existentialism. Now convinced that his actions and words had meaning far beyond anything he had encountered in Western philosophy, Glitter returned to the studio determined to explore connections between Buddhist meditation and the obscure Austrian philosophical school that rejected nihilism.

Then Glitter remembered that he wasn’t in Yes, and he recorded something for American sports teams to play during timeouts.

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Hello, everybody! I’ll be honest with you — this chart kind of stinks. I mean, it’s not “wretched,” but I wouldn’t say it’s “good by any stretch of the imagination,” either. But you know what? I open my Billboard book, close my eyes, point to a chart, and deal with what’s in front of me. (Except when I delegate it to other writers.) Anyway, prepare to get your new jack swing on as we attack August 19, 1989!

10. So Alive — Love and Rockets Amazon iTunes
9. Secret Rendezvous — Karyn White Amazon iTunes
8. Batdance — Prince Amazon iTunes
7. I Like It — Dino Amazon
6. Hangin’ Tough - New Kids on the Block Amazon iTunes
5. Once Bitten Twice Shy — Great White Amazon iTunes
4. Don’t Wanna Lose You — Gloria Estefan Amazon iTunes
3. Cold Hearted — Paula Abdul Amazon iTunes
2. On Our Own — Bobby Brown Amazon iTunes
1. Right Here Waiting — Richard Marx Amazon iTunes

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This week’s chart is being covered by Popdose’s own Matthew Bolin. Boy, it seems like only yesterday he was giving Popdose readers too many Wham! songs or a reason to love Rod Stewart again. He now runs our “When Good Albums Happen to Bad People” column, and does a damn fine job. Please give it up for Matthew! — JH

I have a theory that the music playing over the radio when you were in the womb can shape your personality — that the muffled vibrations that work their way into your first home can actually have an effect on the person you end up being (or at least they can have an effect on your mom, which in turn has an effect on you). What scientific proof do I base this on? Absolutely nothing, tough guy. However, I figure that the music of the mid-1970s is as good enough a reason as any for why I’m the crazy nut I am today. So, when given the chance by Jason to attack a chart from when I was negative-seven months old, I said “lay it on me.” Let’s take a look at August 11, 1973!

10. Monster Mash — Bobby (Boris) Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers Amazon iTunes
9. Uneasy Rider — Charlie Daniels Amazon iTunes
8. Yesterday Once More — Carpenters Amazon iTunes
7. Let’s Get It On — Marvin Gaye Amazon iTunes
6. Smoke on the Water — Deep Purple Amazon iTunes
5. Bad, Bad Leroy Brown — Jim Croce Amazon iTunes
4. Touch Me in the Morning - Diana Ross Amazon iTunes
3. Brother Louie — Stories Amazon iTunes
2. Live and Let Die — Wings Amazon iTunes
1. The Morning After - Maureen McGovern Amazon iTunes

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Welcome to another action-packed edition of CHART ATTACK! Overall, I’m pretty psyched about this week. Although a little light on the rock side, I’d say I’m a fan of at least eight of these songs. And here’s something interesting about this week on the Billboard Top 10: Take note of how many performers this week somehow wind up musically involved with each other! It’s all a part of July 22, 1978!

10. Three Times a Lady — Commodores Amazon MP3
9. Take a Chance on Me — ABBA Amazon MP3
8. Use ta Be My Girl — The O’Jays Amazon MP3
7. The Groove Line — Heatwave Amazon MP3
6. Grease — Frankie Valli Amazon MP3
5. Last Dance — Donna Summer Amazon MP3
4. Still the Same — Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band Amazon
3. Miss You — The Rolling Stones Amazon MP3
2. Baker Street — Gerry Rafferty Amazon
1. Shadow Dancing — Andy Gibb Amazon MP3

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Welcome back to another Friday edition of CHART ATTACK! I have to admit that I do have a soft spot in my heart for almost all of the songs in today’s chart. Although it contains a fair share of one-hit wonders, I think most of the songs are pretty solid. Agree? Disagree? Decide for yourself as we attack MAY 18, 1985!

10. Axel F — Harold Faltermeyer Amazon
9. Everybody Wants to Rule the World — Tears for Fears Amazon iTunes
8. We Are the World — USA For Africa Amazon iTunes
7. Rhythm of the Night — DeBarge Amazon iTunes
6. Some Like it Hot — The Power Station Amazon iTunes
5. Smooth Operator — Sade Amazon iTunes
4. Everything She Wants — Wham! Amazon iTunes
3. One Night in Bangkok — Murray Head Amazon iTunes
2. Crazy for You — Madonna Amazon iTunes
1. Don’t You (Forget About Me) — Simple Minds Amazon