We did it! More specifically and much less modestly, I did it — I won Tuesday’s election!
My victory even got some coverage from Associated Press national political writer Liz Sidoti, who wrote, “A slew of cities selected mayors …”
A win-win all around!
Bad news, everybody — my girlfriend, Aimiee, and I are still on that steamship we boarded in China two weeks ago. You know the phrase “slow boat to China”? Well, it turns out the boats from China aren’t any faster. Internet service is spotty here at sea, not to mention it feels like there are always a billion people waiting in line behind me to use the ship’s one public computer, so publishing a new column last week became impossible.
But during my five allotted minutes on the computer last Saturday, I read that movie star Matthew McConaughey was appearing on CNN’s House Call to discuss parenting with the show’s host, Dr. Sanjay Gupta. Matthew’s been a father for less than two months, but if CNN’s treating him like an authority on the subject, then he must really know his stuff! I figured he must know a lot about all kinds of stuff and would probably love a forum in which he could discuss his various interests and philosophies. I got in touch with his agent, and the next day I received an e-mail from Matthew himself: “One question, Cassanova — would you like salt with that ‘rita?”
Wow! When I read that I thought, “Matthew’s going to write a no-holds-barred political column.” But then I started to wonder if he was going to send me an actual margarita in the mail. Either way, I was excited. So, without further ado, here he is, guest columnist Matthew McConaughey …
Hey, how y’all doin’? Everybody have a good summer? I hope so. Hard to believe it’s almost over, huh? I’m like, “Whoa, summer, you leavin’ already? You just got here. C’mon, sit down and stay a while. Have some guac. Lemme get you a Corona.”
Y’all ever do that? Talk to inanimate objects? Or seasons? Or feelings? I do that a lot. Keeps me one with nature and the infinite, which is important, because we’re all gonna be dust in the wind one day. I’m not tryin’ to be a downer or nothing, but it’s true. Make the most of what you have right now, y’all. But in the meantime, just keep livin’. That’s my motto, but if y’all read People or Us, y’all probably knew that already.
Livin’ isn’t as carefree as it used to be, though. I’m a daddy now, and that’s a full-time J-O-B. Just ask my son’s nanny. Hahaha! Naw, I’m just playin’ with you. Well, sort of — Levi does have a nanny, but she’s only on call 16 hours a day. But she lives in the guest house, so it’s good that she’s close by whenever my girlfriend, Camila, and I are sunbathin’ and need someone to reapply Levi’s tannin’ lotion. It’s never too early to start worshippin’ the sun, y’all.
