“I’m not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I’m doing while they’re aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.”

- Jack Handey from “Deep Thoughts”

Years ago, a good friend of mine was living in an apartment complex with his wife.  It was one of those huge apartment complexes with maps prominently displaying arrows with the words “You Are Here” to help lost visitors navigate through a maze of buildings that looked identical. It was easy to get lost in that place, and if you weren’t sure what building number the person you knew lived in, you could easily get lost since each of the individual units had letters on the doors instead of numbers.  So, for example, my friend lived in building 2250, apartment A. If I went to the building next to his – say it was building 2255 – there was an apartment A there as well. The layout of complex was such that one could easily confuse the buildings because the exteriors and the entrances to the apartments were pretty much the same.

Early one morning – after the bars closed – my friend awoke to the sound of some guy pounding on his door demanding to be let in ‘cause he was going to “Beat the shit out you, Lisa.” My friend’s name is Matt and his wife is Casey.  Obviously, the drunken idiot had the wrong apartment. Matt called the cops to say there was a guy trying to break in.  The police dispatcher said, “Sir, are you properly armed?”  My friend said he didn’t own a gun, and the dispatcher said in a disappointed manner, “Oooh, um…well, we’ll get there when we can.” The drunky guy went away after my friend told him (by yelling at him from behind the closed front door) that he had the wrong place.  The cops showed up about five minutes after the incident to take a report and search the complex. (more…)