Posts Tagged ‘Earmageddon’

Earmageddon: Apologetix, “Biblical Graffiti”

earmageddon

I’m almost positive I’ve relayed this story at the site before, but since it fits so well with what we’re about to discuss, I’ll tell it again:

In early 1996, I was dating a girl — we’ll call her the Voluptuous Redhead — whose huge, um, tracts of land were dwarfed only by her solid religious convictions. Though I’ve been a fairly unrepentant heathen for most of my life, I was raised among religious people, and can play along when it’s called for (and in my early 20s, the heaving bosom of a young lady still constituted “called for”) — which is how I found myself, despite some rather profound misgivings, at a Jars of Clay/Michael W. Smith concert.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m relatively familiar with the pop/CCM crossover army of the ’80s and early ’90s, have spent my fair share of time listening to Smith and Amy Grant, and I actually enjoyed the first Jars of Clay album. I think Christianity — or at least its various rules and regulations — is pretty silly, but I admire the beliefs at its core, and although a lot of Christian music during that era was bogged down in hokey production, it can be pretty moving if it’s done right. All of which is to say that, in spite of my low expectations for the concert, I went in thinking it would at least be something I could sit through.

No. (more…)

Earmageddon, Part Two: Wingmageddon Continued

Welcome to Part Two of Earmageddon!

If you’re just joining us, you might want to take a second to review Part One. Please, I implore you, review Part One. Take a few minutes to truly feel my pain.

Okay, ready to continue? Great. So as I mentioned in the last post, very few days have gone by where Jeff hasn’t mentioned Wing to me. He’s sent me links to her albums on eMusic and interrupted perfectly civil IM conversations with either “Wing!” or “Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!” He even changed his IM chat message to “Wing is for the children,” which meant that every single time I logged on, whether I was talking to him or not, I was reminded that all Jeff wanted out of life was for me to write a post on Wing.

Jeff has a very, very empty life.

Anyway, so last Sunday morning, I heard my computer chirping.

Jeff: Hey, if your phone rings around 7 o’clock tonight, do me a favor and answer it.
Jeff: Scratch that. 5 o’clock tonight.

Here’s the massively messed-up part: I already knew what he was up to. See, when I did my research on Wing, I saw the following special offer:

Buy any full price CD (US$15 each, as listed below) and pay just $3 more – a total of US $18, and Wing will sing live just for you over the telephone. (You can have Wing sing to a friend instead if you wish.) Bookings must be made in advance – see requirements below.)

My first thought was well, shit, I know what I’m getting Jeff for his birthday next May!

So the minute I saw Jeff’s IM, I knew exactly what was up. And this is why I both love and hate Jeff: he has no problem with dropping a total of, like, $30 just to annoy me.

But because I hate him more than I love him, I responded as such:

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Earmageddon, Part One: Wingmageddon

Hi, everybody! Would you like to play a game? It’s a horrible game, really, but it’s been ages since Jeff and I have played it. In fact, it’s never actually been played here before, only on our former websites. But Popdose deserves it. I think you’ll agree.

Can your ears take the pain?

What the hell is Earmageddon, you ask? Well, it’s a game that started a couple of years ago, when I sent Jeff the Paris Hilton album. Jeff got angry — almost violently so — and retaliated by sending me Only in America, Volume 2, a horrible/awesome album that you can read about on my other website. I retaliated by sending him Andrew Ridgeley’s album. He sent me Metal Machine Music. I sent him Florence Foster Jenkins. Since then, he’s sent me at least three other CDs, all of which I’ve ignored, for two reasons.

1) Sometimes, it’s just not that much fun to listen to truly awful music.

2) More than sometimes, it’s fun to watch Jeff explode with frustration when I won’t take the bait.

Recently, however, Jeff sent me another album of bad music — except this time, he has not let up. I don’t know if a day has gone by in the past two months where Jeff hasn’t mentioned this album to me. He’s been so fucking annoying that I honestly think writing this post is worth it if it shuts his yapper for a day or so.

You want to know what he sent me, don’t you?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you …

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