Howdy, everybody!  Happy Halloween!  Between Tina Turner’s hair and Eddie Money’s face, it’s quite a scary week here at CHART ATTACK!  Take a look back at what singles were topping the Billboard Hot 100 on November 1, 1986!

10.  All Cried Out — Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam with Full Force Amazon iTunes
9.  Take Me Home Tonight — Eddie Money Amazon iTunes
8.  Sweet Love — Anita Baker Amazon iTunes
7.  When I Think of You — Janet Jackson Amazon iTunes
6.  True Blue — Madonna Amazon iTunes
5.  Human — Human League Amazon iTunes
4.  Amanda — Boston Amazon iTunes
3.  I Didn’t Mean to Turn You On — Robert Palmer Amazon iTunes
2.  Typical Male — Tina Turner Amazon iTunes
1.  True Colors — Cyndi Lauper Amazon iTunes

10. All Cried Out — Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam with Full Force

I have the weirdest memory of this song. I remember watching America’s Funniest Home Videos very early on in its run (I was 12, okay?), and they had a video of a guy who had done his makeup half as a bride, half as a groom.  And his shtick was that he sang “All Cried Out” in profile to the camera, half as the woman and half as the man.  That’s all I remember about this song; it wasn’t until I listened to it just now that I realized it was even a duet. Who’s the guy, anyway?  I’m guessing he was in Full Force.  According to Wikipedia, Full Force had two vocalists — Paul Anthony or Bowlegged Lou — so I guess it was one of those two.  Please let it be Bowlegged Lou.  I like the idea of someone named Lisa Lisa having a passionate lover’s quarrel with Bowlegged Lou.  “You listen here, Lisa Lisa!”  “Don’t talk to me like that, Bowlegged Lou!”  And then, of course, later, they reconcile, and before you know it, the priest is going, “Do you, Lisa Lisa, take Bowlegged Lou…”

Why did Lisa Lisa need Full Force, anyway?  Wasn’t having Cult Jam enough?  Both sound like formidable teams, but a Full Force Cult Jam sounds like overkill.

Holy cow, here’s a “live” performance from 1986, and guess what? Paul Anthony and Bowlegged Lou sing to Lisa Lisa! It’s a Full Force threesome!  Fast forward to 1:40 for the good stuff, and by “good stuff,” I mean “some seriously awful fashion decisions.”

I personally find this song to be just another lame ballad, but apparently, I’m in the minority: listen to this crowd do all the singing at this performance from earlier this year. They’re loving this one, even without good ol’ Bowlegged Lou. By the way, I’m not saying that people can’t get older and maybe put on a few pounds, now she’s more like Lisa Lisa Lisa.

9. Take Me Home Tonight — Eddie Money

Is it just me, or does Eddie Money kind of look like Benny Mardones?

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Depending on who you ask, Janet Jackson may not actually be in need of fixing. Her latest album, Discipline, is a hit and so is the first single, “Feedback.” Things should be pretty good in Nasty-land, but a quick peek under the numbers reveals a different story. Although the album debuted at #1, Discipline is actually not selling as many copies as her previous releases. It’s a case of new math and relativism: 20 Y.O. and Damita Jo sold more, but did so in a more robust music sales market and could only eke out the #2 spot on Billboard. Discipline looks strong only because the market is so very weak.

The album also continues a disturbing trend with Miss Jackson where a real spark of excitement, inspiration or fun is replaced by a demented sexuality feeding off of shock. She may attempt to project empowerment, but all she seems to reveal is that she can’t be anything in her creative world other than some contented plaything or, even worse, a little kid that likes to shout out the dirtiest words she knows because it makes the adults in the room quake. It was that perverse acting-out that ruined The Velvet Rope. The fans rejected it and she attempted some poppier fare afterward. Seems that she’s treading into old, shallow waters once again. The digital workout of famed producer Jermaine Dupri can’t save her from the same old schtick. (more…)

Zack: I remember when Lenny Kravitz was first thrust upon the music world by a few cynical record company executives. It seemed like he had been designed by a committee to take advantage of all the latest pop-culture trends. Dreadlocks were in, so they gave him dreads. Tattoos and nose rings were still edgy and cool, so those were included. It was like watching a rock-star version of Poochie. One of the talking points that was pushed was that he was a talented songwriter, and every time I heard that spewing from the mouth of some idiot VJ I felt like I’d been taking crazy pills. Some sample lyrics from Lenny’s quill:

We’ve got to hug and rub-a-dub
We got to dance and be in love

Based on his biography, Lenny doesn’t sound like such a bad guy, and this is actually a well-produced video, but I hate hate hate the song.

Robert: I shouldn’t hate Lenny because he’s beautiful, but I do, and it’s because he knows he’s beautiful. He has a few good songs, but I can’t think of any I’ve liked past the Are You Gonna Go My Way album. The title track is one of his best singles, but I’m sure classic-rock fans could tell me note for note who Lenny’s ripping off in this song.

Dunphy: Y’know, I don’t mind “Are You Gonna Go My Way” much. This and “Believe” made the insurgent grunge brigade a little easier to tolerate. Maybe not by much, but still. “We’ve got to hug and rub-a-dub,” while being a fireable offense, certainly had dynamism against “Kill the pain, oh the pain, heroin? Yes, please …”

Jeff: How do I hate thee, Lenny? Let me count the ways. If I had a dollar for every hour Lenny Kravitz has sucked, I’d be … I’d be even richer than Lenny Kravitz, actually, but not by much. How depressing.

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