Regular readers of Popdose will know that we’re kind of obsessed with Al Jarreau. Who could possibly forget Al Jarreau Week back in March? So when we heard that good ol’ Al was releasing a Christmas album, how could we resist?  And yet, all we wish is that we resisted.

Al Jarreau — White Christmas (download)

From Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jeff: Where the hell is the scatting?

Jason: I just did a little over here. Actually, that opening is kind of nice.

Jeff: It’s beautiful, but I want scatting.

Jason: I bet the groove is going to happen any minute now. Hang on…

Jeff: Oh no.

Jason: Oh shit! What the fuck!

Jeff: Never mind scatting — where the hell is the melody? Al, what have you done with the melody?

Jason: How did he just pronounce the words “I’m” and “white”?

Jeff: I think Winamp is broken. This is much too slow.

Jason: No, it’s on my end too. Let me throw my laptop across the room. Maybe that’ll fix the problem.  Actually, that would TOTALLY fix the problem.

Jeff: I also think he sampled some Bob James keyboards from 1986.

Jason: He just ad-libbed a little.

Jeff: “A-white.”

Jason: “A white, a white Christmas!” Yup!

Jeff: Does he sound drunk to you? He sounds a little drunk to me.

Falsetto!

Jason: I’m listening to the bass now. I’m betting the bass player is getting a hummer.

Jeff: Doo doo doo doo be white…

Jason: There’s your scatting!

Jeff: YES! This is the mellowest fucking scatting I have ever heard.

Jason: SCAT AWAY, MUTHAFUCKA!

Jeff: SYNTHMONICA!!!

Jason: KEYTAR!!! That’s DEFINITELY a keytar!

Jeff: Oh, this is dreadful.

Jason: That sound is almost on loan from “What’s Love Got to Do With It”!

Jeff: Glissando!

Jason: I’m dreaming of a world where Al Jarreau stops singing.

Jeff: Dude, he didn’t even pronounce the “wh” in “white” in that last line. I swear to God he’s drunk. Or stoned.

Jason: When my wife heard this, she said “Al Jarreau surrounds himself with too many ‘yes’ men.”

Jeff: Having interviewed him, I believe this was probably Al’s idea.

Jason: Big finish. Oh wait! No! There are two minutes left!

Jeff: What? Two minutes? No. Can’t be.

Jason: Jesus, he sounds like the Cryptkeeper. Synthmonica returns!

Jeff: I love how he looks like he’s freezing to death on the cover.

Jason: Does Al ever pose for anything without his mouth open? I’m just curious.

Jeff: Maybe his nose doesn’t work.

Jason: He wants your Christmases to be JINGLE BELLS, CHRISTMAS CAROLS!

Jeff: Jingle bells, Christmas carols, children wishing…he’s just throwing the holiday phone book now.

Jason: I wonder if Wexford Carol will be mentioned next!

Jeff: I’m not sure we’d be able to tell that’s what he was saying. It’d probably sound something like ix-faaaaaaaah…

Jason: This groove definitely needs to be disturbed.

Jeff: Al’s just fucking around…and now he goes wandering out the studio door.

Jason: Looking for change. And I don’t mean, like, Obama change. I mean, like nickels.

Jeff: Or more Ambien. He really does look like he might be begging for change on that cover.

Jason: Who buys this stuff? Am I just too white?

Jeff: That’s an excellent question.

Jason: Because I can’t imagine listening to this, and being like, “…and NOW we’re groovin’.”

Jeff: Maybe with enough white wine…

…Nah.

Jason: Maybe if you slipped a roofie in it.

Jeff: I was hoping Al would give us something funky for Christmas.

Jason: I’d love to see some footage of him recording this stuff. I bet he makes some great faces.

Jeff: I’m looking right now.

Jason: Yeah, so am I. No luck so far.

Jeff: This is bullshit. Well, at least there’s the official Al Jarreau Christmas e-card. We can send it to everyone reading this.

Jason: Let’s do that. Let’s share it with everyone. Why should we suffer through this god-awful holiday alone?

Jeff: Merry Jarreaumas, fuckers!

Jason: Ha! Jarreaumas! That sounds like an inflammation. I have Jarreaumas in my throat.

Jeff: Ha ha ha ha ha! I had an upset stomach, and I went to the bathroom and pooped a Jarreaumas.

Jason: Oh man! That sounds PAINFUL!

Jeff: It was. There was scatting, too.

Well, look at you! You’ve returned for Day Two of Mellowmas, even though you woke up at 3 AM with “Mellowmas, Mellowmas, have a very Mellowmas” running through your head! Color us impressed. But seriously, folks: now it’s time to get to the true crap of the season. In terms of bad music, Mellowmas really begins today!

Barry Manilow - Because It’s Christmas (For All The Children) (Excerpt from Händel’s Messiah (”For Unto Us A Child Is Born…”)) (download)

From Because It’s Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jeff: Plaintive!

Jason: Clarinet-y!

Jeff: You can really see Barry sitting by the fire. In the Turkish bath.

Jason: Ornaments hanging from his nose. Oh shit! Strings, muthafucka!

Jeff: Wow, this is classy.

Jason: I’m nervous that he hasn’t started singing yet, though.

Jeff: I wasn’t expecting all this class from Barry.

Jason: Oh, here he is!

Jeff: Unto us! A son is given!

Jason: Uh, is that a lot of echo or is it just on my end? “Unto us! A son is given!” again? I GET IT!

Jeff: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooorn

Jason: Piano interlude!

Jeff: I have to say, again, this sounds nothing like what I was expecting.

Jason: What were you expecting?

Jeff: Schmaltz, of course.

Jason: Well, good news: here it is!

Jeff: Oh boy.

Jason: “Tonight the stars shine for the children!” It’s what you were waiting for! Dreams are flying!

Jeff: Tonight our love comes wrapped in ribbons? What?

Jason: Hopes are high. Don’t be cynical. Barry is telling it like it is. A child appears at the window?

Jeff: A child has appeared, and he’s searching the sky.

Jason: Let him in! He’s fucking freezing!

Jeff: I’m not sure Barry knows what Christmas is. He sure does know how to set a synth for “tinkly piano-type sound,” though.

Jason: I’m just picturing Barry singing this inside, by the fire, and a bunch of kids are outside with frostbite. It’s Christmas, for now and forever!

Jeff: I’m picturing Barry praying to a young alien baby who scans the night sky for used Bette Midler LPs.

Jason: I don’t think Barry understands: Christmas is December 25th.

Jeff: Gear shift! Our first gear shift of the season!

Jason: Uh oh…I have a bad feeling that kids are going to start singing soon. And there they are! Singing in the background!

Jeff: Behind Barry’s tender blessings!

Jason: In the bathhouse!

Jeff: Oh BOY is this over the top.

Jason: Seriously. Barry’s standing on the rooftop now. Still not letting the kids in.

Jeff: Christmas, now and FOREVER, for all the CHILDREN, and the CHILDREN IN US ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Jason: Cue the synth horns! Meanwhile, the kids are STILL freezing outside.

Jeff: I’m imagining Barry standing with his arms out wide.

Jason: Let ‘em in, Barry!

Jeff: And he’s wearing the blue unitard from his Barry Manilow Live album.

Jason: Ha ha ha! He’s probably freezing too!

Jeff: You can tell?

Jason: I never thought I’d feel sorry for Barry Manilow’s nipples. But here we are.

Wow, that song was really…

really…

…big.

Jeff: Really.

Jason: Hey, did you know Barry has another Christmas album?

Jeff: I did, but this one was released in the ’80s, so I thought it would be a better place to start. And it looks like I was right!

Jason: And by “better,” you mean “unbelievably awful.”

Jeff: I’m still kind of disappointed. I mean, I’d like to hear, you know, “Copacabana” with words about Hanukkah. Speaking of which, what the fuck is Barry Manilow doing singing about Christmas anyway?

Jason: Y’know, I was wondering about that. I mean, he couldn’t do ONE Hanukkah song? Just one?

Jeff: Why do we have to suffer through crappy holiday music from a sellout Jew every year?

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: I think Barry could totally rock “The Dreidel Song.”

Jason: I was hoping he’d sing “Blitzen” to the tune of “Mandy.”

Jeff: It’s a DREEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIDEL…I made it out of CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY…

Jason: FOR THE CHIIIIIILDRENNNNN

Jeff: Yes!

Jason: Dreidel for the Children! Barry’s inside, by the fireplace, spinning a dreidel. Lighting the menorah. And the kids? Still outside freezing. Let us into the bathhouse, Barry!

Jeff: I think the kids have busted into his liquor cabinet and are getting shvitzed on Manieschevitz.

Jason: I think shvitz means sweaty.

Jeff: Hmm. Plotzed? It has to end in -zed.

Jason: You know who should know the answer to this? Me. I’m a Jew. But barely.

Jeff: A lonely Jew. On Mellowmas.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! I walked right into that one!

I can’t be merry!
Barry’s song blew!
On Mellllooowmassssss!

Welcome, one and all!  The day you’ve been dreading waiting for all year has finally arrived!  It’s time to begin The 25 Days of Mellowmas!

If you’re new to this time-honored tradition, or if you’ve just psychologically blocked it out of your head from last year (smart move), here’s how it works: every day, from now until Christmas, swing on by to listen to some of the lamest Christmas music ever released.  The two of us will gift you with a track per day (sometimes two, you lucky people!), along with brilliant commentary about the crap we’re presenting.  We invite you to listen along with us, and join us for further “analysis” in the comments section!  You can read past Mellowmas entries over at Jason’s site.

So this year, we thought: what can we do to make Mellowmas even better (worse) and brighter (darker) than the past two years?

How about a Mellowmas Theme?

And how about we ask one of our favorite Mellow Gold artists to get involved?

And how about if said Mellow Gold artist actually takes our stupid idea seriously and writes and records the most awesome Mellowmas song in the entire world?

Jeff had the fantastic idea of contacting none other than the brilliant Alan O’Day.  Remember Alan?  Alan is the man behind the #1 hit “Undercover Angel.”  He’s also the man behind “Angie Baby,” a hit for Helen Reddy, and “Rock and Roll Heaven,” made famous by the Righteous Brothers.  He also wrote the Muppet Babies theme, which is now in your head (but not for long, as you’ll soon see).  But perhaps the most important thing to happen in his career — and we’re sure he would agree — was when he became the subject of Adventures Through the Mines of Mellow Gold 17, where Jason wrote the following phrase:

Oh my God, this is the most horrible thing I’ve heard since Mellowmas.

Mr. O’Day stumbled upon the Mellow Gold post and actually found it amusing, which is not surprising when you check out his website and hear some of the songs he’s recorded.  In fact, he’s got a brand new album out, entitled I Hear Voices, which has it all — bluesy rock (”Rock and Roll Shoes”), inspirational pop ballads (”Guide Me”), and songs that are indicative of his finely-tuned (read: sick) sense of humor, like “Your Song Sucks.”  You can buy the CD here, or purchase it digitally here, and find out for yourself exactly what kind of great music what we’re talking about.  One thing is certain: the man doesn’t take himself too seriously.

Jason, with a certain amount of trepidation, contacted Alan via e-mail with the idea.  Alan, shocking the hell out of us all, responded nearly instantly with great interest.  A few phone calls and e-mails later, and Alan was off.  Lyrics, demo and finished track, all within a few days.  What a guy!  And this, everyone, is the story of why we didn’t call Benny Mardones.

Enough with all this talk.  You want to hear the Mellowmas Theme, don’t you?  It’s time.  Enjoy it, download it, share it with your friends.  But one thing is certain: it’s going to be in your head today.  And perhaps tomorrow.  You’ll be singing this chorus all season long.  Yes, by Christmas, you’ll be dreaming of the three of us driving off a cliff together, but you can’t deny that it’s one of the catchiest holiday tunes in recent years — and that it’s perfect for this terrible holiday we’ve invented.  Without further ado, the world premiere of:

Alan O’Day — Have a Very Mellowmas (Theme From Mellowmas) (download)

You love it, right?  You should.  Because it’s frickin’ awesome.

But that’s not all.

We weren’t content with just featuring this song for download.  As usual, we just have to push things one step further.  And so, thanks to Popdose writers Terje Fjelde and Ted Asregadoo, we present:

Happy Mellowmas, everybody!  See you tomorrow!

It all started back in September, when Robert Cass sent an e-mail to the staff telling us Billboard had announced that Chubby Checker’s “The Twist” is the top song of the Hot 100 era. The reactions were swift and predictably shocked, ranging from “There must not be a God” to “That is one brutal list” to “Just as a general rule, I don’t think an artist is allowed to complain about a lack of respect once they’ve recorded a duet with the Fat Boys.” And just as swiftly, an idea was born: what if we all ranked our favorite songs of the era and shared the results with all of you?

So here it is — the Popdose 100. We limited our choices to songs from the last 50 years, and in the interest of establishing some kind of consensus, we tried to stick to singles that actually charted on the Hot 100. Some of us limited the number of times we could pick a single by any particular artist, but for the most part we kept it as informal as possible — and wouldn’t you know it, “The Twist” is nowhere to be found.

Now, this being the Internet and all, we know two things: 1) people love lists; and 2) they love to complain about what’s on them. So we expect a fair amount of grousing about what made our list; hell, even some of the writers who participated were a little perturbed by the final results. Where’s all the rap? Where the hell are the women? So on and so forth. Every list is flawed, and ours is no exception, but remember, this isn’t meant to be a list of the “best” or “top” singles of the era — only our favorites.

Now that we’ve gotten all the background info and caveats out of the way, thanks are in order: to David Medsker, for tabulating the results; to Robert Cass, for editing it into something legible; and to the Popdose staff — not to mention our friends Peter Lubin, Amy Davis, Carl Abernathy, and Mike Heyliger, who added their votes to our own. Let’s take a look at the results, shall we?

(more…)

Ranlom - Going on Holiday (Quirky Bird, 2008)
purchase this album (Amazon)

With the amount of shit I’ve given Christmas music over the last few years, and the obvious relish with which it’s been applied, I never would have expected any sane independent artist to willingly send me a copy of his or her holiday album — but lo and behold, here I am listening to Going on Holiday, the latest Ranlom release, an EP consisting of five Christmas covers and two originals.

What is Ranlom? I’m not entirely sure. I know Ranlom has released a handful of albums, including The Red Eye, A Rest Stop and a Snooze, and Ravens and Doves, and I know it’s some sort of musical collective led by a man named Matt Molnar, who says his passions include “his lovely wife, inexpensive road trips, good eats, lazy fishing trips, and libraries.” Also, I know Matt Molnar has terrible taste in band names. Beyond that, I cued up Going on Holiday without knowing what was getting myself into.

Molnar — er, Ranlom — calls Going on Holiday “a truly unique Christmas album with quirky, clever arrangements of classics and carols coupled with contemporary, witty originals,” and that’s more or less on the mark, but don’t listen to it expecting a Dr. Demento Christmas or anything. This album’s quirk is gentle, and not evenly applied; although some tracks, like the Richard Cheese-meets-Perry Como “Little Drummer Boy” (download), are slightly (and, I have to say, awesomely) off-kilter, others are given a straight reading. (”Do You Hear What I Hear,” for instance, is suitable for any church gathering.)

One area where Ranlom doesn’t screw around is in the arrangements. Even at their most deadpan, the songs are impeccably performed, with shifting layers of pop and jazz beneath the clean, smooth production. For what seems to have been a lark, Going on Holiday was assembled with admirable craft and skill. Having said that, I’m not sure where the audience for an album like this is, particularly given how crowded the holiday music marketplace has become — but if you’re looking to fatten your Christmas music collection with the work of some off-the-beaten-path artists, this isn’t a bad place to start.

Guggenheim Grotto - Happy the Man (UFO Music, 2009)
purchase this album (Amazon)

Its artwork has the sort of washed-out color tones that usually suggest an album from Jack Johnson or one of his buddies, but do not be alarmed by the beanie you see on the cover of the Guggenheim Grotto’s Happy the Man — this is not campfire music for college sophomores. Rather, it’s an album of electronic-laced grown-up pop music, firmly grounded with acoustic guitars and harmonies, and filled to the brim with graceful hooks and instantly memorable, partly-cloudy melodies that should appeal to fans of smart Anglopop bands like Crowded House and the Trashcan Sinatras.

It’s a very subtle record, in other words, made up of songs with very subtle charms — but damn if they don’t all gang up on you and rope you in. I often listen to an album a dozen times or more before writing a review, and that’s been the case here — but I could have taken it off repeat a long time ago; I just keep replaying Happy the Man because it’s so gently addictive. Not every song lands with the impact of the killer opening one-two punch of “Fee Da Da Dee” (download) and “Her Beautiful Ideas” (with its wonderful refrain of “Let’s get naked and get under the sheets”), but there’s plenty to love here, and very little not to like.

Lovely on the surface, the Guggenheim Grotto’s music is seemingly tailor-made for Starbucks and television soundtracks — and it has already appeared in both locations — but don’t be deceived by its seemingly facile beauty: co-Grotto Kevin May says he and partner Mick Lynch “wanted to sing joyfully about sadness in the world” on this album, and they’ve succeeded in adding sweetly somber overtones to Happy’s head-bobbing refrains. The result is an album that feels lighter than air, but carries a weight that will linger after the final chord fades. Wait for the physical product to reach shelves in January, or download the mp3 album now; either way, if you have a weakness for unabashedly sentimental, artfully assembled pop music, you won’t want to miss Happy the Man.

Tipsy - Buzzz (Ipecac, 2008)
purchase this album (Amazon)

They call their music “drunktronica,” explain the seven-year layoff between this and their previous release by saying they were “distracted by commercial corporate money music for hire (as well as occasional substance abuse),” and are the new kids on the block at Ipecac Records, the imprint founded by noted rock & roll madman Mike Patton. Clearly, whatever else Tipsy might be, it isn’t boring — and neither is their third album, Buzzz.

Honestly, although I can often appreciate this sort of thing in principle — and I freely admit it would take me a lot longer than seven years to build something sensible out of the chopped-up bits of music Tipsy works with — anything -tronica usually turns me off; I can’t think about club music without remembering things like the time I woke up to the sound of a friend banging on my window, pre-dawn, to ask me if I’d help him wash some girl’s puke out of his car so his mom wouldn’t know he’d been at a rave all night. Even when the DJs manage to mix some melody in with the beats, I can’t help tuning out — I’m a lyrics guy, and I want some narrative with my noise.

All that being said, I found Buzzz to be an enjoyable listen. It’s a sonic tour through a strange world that sounds exactly like its garish cover, but there’s too much going on for the listener to get bored, and it’s so artfully assembled that you can admire it even if you can’t dance to it. Listening to each track is like staring at an immense mosaic — you’re constantly torn between taking it all in and dissecting it. It’s also got a sense of humor, as evidenced by catchy tracks like “Chop Socky” (download) and the lovably schizo “Swingin’ Spaceman.” Rather than relying on a monolithic barrage of beats to get their point across, Tipsy gambols in the rusty playground between analog and digital, playing on the tension between man and machine, old and new, drunk and sober.

A fun little record, in other words, and suitably strange for anyone looking for new frontiers in machine-assisted pop music. Heck, I may even find myself listening to it again — and for a grumpy old lover of acoustic instruments like me, that’s really saying something.

Rosie Thomas - A Very Rosie Christmas (Nettwerk, 2008)
purchase this album (Amazon)

Okay, yes, I know — everyone hates Christmas music, and anyway, we’re about to bombard you poor bastards with 25 days of the stuff during Mellowmas III: Season of the Bitch. Honestly, it wasn’t my intention to even talk about holiday music until Mellowmas kicked off on December 1, and I certainly didn’t plan on reviewing any of the new yuletide titles that were released this year. And that goes double for A Very Rosie Christmas, an album that, at first glance, left me thinking that a certain pumpkinheaded former co-host of The View was cutting duets with Elmo again.

Life is full of surprises, though. This silver platter came to me courtesy of our pal Nell at Nettwerk, bundled with a little note that said “Hey Jeff, thought you might enjoy this.” I promptly shoved it to the bottom of my “in” pile and snorted a silent snort at Nell — you thought I might enjoy this? You don’t know me at all! AT ALL! I mean, shit, the cover photo makes it look like one of those post-ironic song poem compilations, and I need to listen to another album by someone described as a “Seattle-based indie darling” like I need a hole in the head. Matter of fact, I only listened to this because I thought there was a small chance it might contain some Mellowmas contenders.

And you know what? It turns out Nell knows me better than I thought she did. I owe you an apology, Nell from Nettwerk, and a promise to never silently snort at you again, because A Very Rosie Christmas is actually sort of awesome. I’m not kidding, holiday music haters! It’s honestly one of the best Christmas albums I’ve heard in a very long time. It doesn’t rank up there with Phil Spector’s classic compilation, but it’d definitely go on my list of top seasonal albums, which is a very short list indeed, because my relationship with Christmas music is, as Facebook would say, “complicated.” (more…)

Miranda Lee Richards - Light of X (Nettwerk, 2009)
purchase this album (Amazon)

She took guitar lessons from Kirk Hammett and R. Crumb was her godfather, but don’t expect shredding or off-color humor from Miranda Lee Richards; her second full-length effort, Light of X, is as heavy on the gauzy L.A. vibe as you’d expect for an artist who has worked with the Brian Jonestown Massacre and the Jon Brion/David Campbell studio mafia. It’s pretty, vaguely country-tinged stuff — sort of like Mazzy Star and Concrete Blonde thrown in a blender with the Innocence Mission and early Linda Ronstadt.

It is also, as you may have already guessed, very heavy on vibe, and somewhat light on actual songwriting. Light on X plods along at a middling gait, feet shuffilng, eyes glued to the floor; it’s the aural reflection of its cover photo, which depicts Richards backlit by a pastoral sunset, standing next to a horse. Hooks aren’t Richards’ primary concern — she seems to think it doesn’t matter if you remember the song as long as you remember how you felt while you were listening to it.

And here’s the funny thing: she’s mostly right. Light of X wafts in slowly, envelops you in a thoroughly pleasant haze, and wafts back out again, and even if it leaves you with the impression of one long, autumnal ballad, it’s all put together so beautifully that it’s hard to argue. I doubt I’d be able to stay awake for all of a Miranda Lee Richards concert, but something tells me I’ll be playing Light of X on many a Sunday morning. The album won’t reach stores until next February, but you can pre-order it now at the link above; in the meantime, give “Early November” (download) an advance listen, and watch the video for “Long Goodbye”: (more…)

Terje Fjelde - Baseball in the Backyard from Diverse (1997)
Casiotone for the Painfully Alone - Ice Cream Truck from Town Topic (2008)
Vertigo - Evaporate from And Miles to Go Before We Sleep (2008)
Earlimart - Song For from Hymn and Her (2008)
Luke Jackson - Come Tomorrow from …And Then Some (2008)
A. Armada - The Moon Shifts… from Anam Cara (2008)
Alaska in Winter - Berlin from Holiday (2008)
Stacy Lloyd Brown - Living Rooms from Musquito Bites (2008)
Beaten by Them - The Asiatic Capital Vista from Signs of Life (2008)
International Jetsetters - Never Slows Down from Heart Is Black (2008)
Proud Simon - Tar Washed Ashore from Night of Criminals (2008)
Spindrift - Ace Coltrane from The West (2008)
Seppuku Paradigm - The Crossing from Unedited/Unreviewed (2007)
Brent Amaker and the Rodeo - Girls are Good for Lots of Things from Howdy Do! (2008)
Rebecca Martin - Make the Days Run Fast from The Growing Season (2008)
Kicksville - Old Man John from The Results Of A Higher Mission (2008)
The Postmarks - 11:59 from By the Numbers (2008)