All posts tagged: John Cougar

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Ol’ John Cougar’s Holiday Gift Guide

If’n y’all ain’t familiar with what ol’ John Cougar does round here these parts, go back and read some of my col-umms what with to familiarize yourself with the fact that ol’ John Cougar is a good old fashioned down home country boy from a small town making real music for real Americans, but that your boy John Cougar is also an immortal shapeshifting werewolf what can control the Indy 500 pace car with his mind. It’s your good ol’ buddy John Cougar. Now I know I what usually give you advise on your personal problems and sitch-you-ayshuns, but right now I’m here to give you the real whatfor on what sundries and embodiments to get for y’alls progeny and whatnot on yer holiday list. Because be it for such pagan-like festivities like Christmas or Hanakah or Kwanzaa, or if’n yer like ol’ John Cougar and recognize the truth and beauty of the holiday we call Alazkazakz, or “The Great Reckoning,” or “The Final Ascendance of Yr,” y’alls got to buy gifts to show the …

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10 Movies…Directed By Rock and Pop Stars (To Prepare You for Rob Zombie’s ‘The Lords of Salem’)

Lots of musicians decide they are famous and attractive enough to act, but it takes a special kind of hubris to take a break from making music to direct a movie. Sometimes it works out, as with the fruitful horror filmmaking career of Rob Zombie, whose The Lords of Salem comes out this week. Here are some others who gave it a shot. The Education of Charlie Banks The guy who got an Oscar nomination for The Social Network was once directed by Fred Durst, the guy who wrote the line “gimme somethin’ to break / how ‘bout your fuckin’ face.” But he does know what it’s like to be a violent thug, so there’s that. Yentl Streisand has one of the greatest voices ever, and she’s a good actress, too. And then there’s this literal vanity project, in which the 41-year-old Streisand directs her own performance as a teenager, who disguises herself as a boy to attend a yeshiva. Falling From Grace Ol’ John Cougar made himself up a movie-film real good like, with …

Advice From Circa-1982 “John Cougar”: Your Valentine’s Day Problems Solved!

A special Valentine’s Day edition of our ongoing advice column in which readers ask Circa 1982 “John Cougar,” a pop singer, good ol’ boy, and immortal shapeshifting demigod for help in solving their romantic quandaries and peccadilloes.  (Previous columns here and here.) Dear John Cougar: I want to make a grand romantic gesture for my boyfriend for Valentines Day, but I live in a small town and there aren’t a lot of options here. Any ideas? I got a real, real original type idea. First, ol’ John Cougar, who is from a small town if you didn’t know that, thinks you should go up to that water tower you got in that town, cause you live in a small town, and it sure as stink got itself a water tower. Then you paint your special lady’s name up on that water tower in that dang ol’ small town, as there is no bigger thing of romanticalizin’ then somethin’ that has never been done before, which ain’t no small feat in Pudwater, Indiana, which is where …

More Advice From 1982’s “John Cougar”

 Circa-1982 “John Cougar” once again be takin’ your advice queries on matters of flesh, personal relationships, career, and metaphysics. (Read the first installment here.) Dear John Cougar: My best friend pranked me really good. I want to get him back. Any fun—but harmless—suggestions? Is your best friend Bob Seger? The John Cougar of Michigan? (He is also from a small town called Detroit, which used to have people in it, but is now made up entirely of used truck parts, feral dogs, and Bob Seger’s illegitimate grandbabies.) Because I tell you what. I know how to get your best friend back real good, if’n he is Bob Seger. Here’s what you do. Step one: find yourself a hooker. A real dirty one is best. Dirty meaning grimy and covered in filth, which is to say nothing of her bill of goods. Okay, you got that hooker. Now what you wanna do is murder that hooker. Then you take that dead hooker and you put her on the strip of concrete what lies in front of …