Judson Spence – Judson Spence (1988)
purchase this album (Amazon)

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Robbie Nevil’s undescended testicle.

Never heard of Judson Spence? Congratulations — you’ve been spared (until now) the horror of listening to the album I’m convinced was responsible for inspiring Joey Lawrence and Jeremy Jordan to pursue their own recording careers. Judson Spence is a bad, bad man.

Which is ironic, because he spends the bulk of his debut trying to convince you that he’s got nothing but good, clean fun on his mind. Our esteemed David Medsker summed up an earlier Cutouts Gone Wild! by saying “So inoffensive, so safe. ‘Come on, guys, let’s just dance!’” This describes Judson Spence perfectly. Let’s take a look at the opening lines of the second track, “If You Don’t Like It” (download):

I don’t need no fancy dealer
Telling me just how good it feels
I don’t want no false seduction
And trade my soul to get my thrills

I don’t have to drink when I’m dancing
I like to control my moves
I don’t need no headache in the morning
I just want a solid groove

Judson Spence: The only pop star of the ’80s to make Jermaine Stewart look like Sly Stone. (more…)