Dear Everyone Who Ever Said I’d Never Amount to Anything:
Suck it.
Do you see what I have here? You do? Let me spell it out for you anyway: I have a box of Triple Chocolate M&M’s Premiums Chocolate Candies. Yes, that’s right — Premiums. As in, better than those crappy regular M&M’s sitting in that bowl on your desk right now.
How do I know they’re better? Easy: They cost $10 a pound. Yeah, you heard me, nuns at St. Agatha’s who predicted I’d be sweeping streets for a living by now — I’m sitting here wolfing down a box of obscenely decadent chocolate, the likes of which your sorry asses have never tasted. Yes! Premiums! Me! Can you believe it?
You’re feigning disinterest, but I can see through your pathetic attempts to choke down all that jealousy. I bet I know what that jealousy tastes like, too: the waxy, downmarket chocolate in your stupid regular M&M’s. Do you want to know what’s in my fancy Triple Chocolate M&M’s Premiums? No? Fuck you, I’m going to tell you anyway: One layer of dark chocolate, one layer of white chocolate, and a delectable milk chocolate center. All in one overpriced candy! How do they do it? I don’t know. All I know is that I’m living the Premium lifestyle, and you aren’t.
I repeat: Suck it.
