Posts Tagged ‘Paul Carrack’

  
Saturday, December 13th, 2008

The Thirteenth Day of Mellowmas: Hayo! Haya!

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

We know, we know: sure, Mellowmas is filled with Christmas dreck — but what about the Jews?  Well, today, the Jews be representin’.  Although after hearing this one, you may want to renounce religion altogether.

Peter, Paul & Mary — Hayo, Haya (download)

From A Holiday Celebration With the New York Choral Society Amazon iTunes

Jason: “Hayo, Haya.”

Jeff: What does that even mean?

Jason:Is this an Outkast cover?

Jeff: Ha ha ha! I hope so!

Jason: God, how awesome would that be?

Jeff: I’d love it. Let’s e-mail them and tell them to do it. Mellow Gold musicians take our advice seriously now.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Shit, who let the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in here?

Jason: It’s actually the New York Choral Society.

Jeff: SPEAK ENGLISH!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! Way to rip on Hebrew, Jeff!

Jeff: You can’t fool me. They’re all the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Reign of terror?
Oh, no.

Jason: Reign of terror! Reign of terror!

Jeff: Are we back in Sarajevo, Jason?

Jason: Pain forever! Pain forever! It’s like…they’re talking about Mellowmas!

Jeff: I feel cold. This is what you guys sing about on Hanukkah? No wonder everyone likes Christmas better. Blood, terror, and Hebrew. Minor keys.

Jason: This is why nobody remembers songs by the Jews. We’re always like, “yeah, happy holiday, but don’t forget how bad it was, and how bad it could have been.”

Jeff: Burn the Torah? No! Ash and smoke!

Jason: Crushed menorah! Crushed menorah!

Jeff: Oh my G-d, this is horrible!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! This is why suicide rates are higher during the holidays.

Jeff: I can’t believe they performed this during a holiday concert. Why not something nice, like “Rock of Ages”? What a fucking downer! Way to go, Peter, Paul & Mary!

Jason: Hang on, I’m looking at the track list. Yeah, it’s all filled with marginally happy songs.

Jeff: This album is supposed to be some kind of classic.

Jason: But no “Here Comes Santa Claus.”

Jeff: What the fuck are you people clapping about? The burning of the Torah?
Assholes!

Jason: Reign of terror! Reign of terror!

Jeff: Oh, man. I feel like crying now.

Jason: Today you are a Jew.

Jeff: Even more than when I listen to Peter, Paul & Mary songs that aren’t this one.

Jason: I feel kind of bad ripping on Peter, Paul & Mary.

Jeff: What for?

Jason: I don’t know. It seems wrong somehow.

Jeff: I understand why you felt bad when we ripped on your friends in the Starland Vocal Band.

Jason: Yeah, I still feel bad about that one. It’s like ripping on Pete Seeger.

Jeff: No, no, no. Pete Seeger is a hero.

Jason: Peter, Paul & Mary aren’t in that boat? I thought they were.

Jeff: Peter, Paul & Mary are just three old farts who don’t know how to have a good time during the holidays. Although I do sort of wish they’d do a Christmas concert with Judy Collins. Imagine the harmonies we’d hear during “Song for Sarajevo”!

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha! They actually had a Christmas concert at Carnegie Hall last week. My mother-in-law wanted to go. I couldn’t get tickets, believe it or not.

Jeff: It was sold out? They sold out Carnegie Hall?

Jason: Well, close. Only bad seats in the upper balcony were left.

Jeff: Good Lord.

Jason: Either they sold out or the good seats were all reserved for season ticketholders.

Jeff: Economic crisis, my ass.

Jason: I mean, it is Carnegie Hall. Hey, I wonder if they had a special appearance by the Singing Saw? Seems apropos, no?

Jeff: I can hear that, actually.

Jason: Seriously. What says “reign of terror” more than a singing saw?

Jeff: Judy, Peter, Paul & Mary, and the goddamn Singing Saw. Say, how flammable is Carnegie Hall, anyway?

Jason: And then Lee Greenwood comes out! In his stars & stripes jacket! He doesn’t actually say anything.

Jeff: No, I don’t think he would.

Jason: He just comes out, waves a flag, and leaves.

Jeff: I think he’d punch Julian Koster right in his singing saw.

Jason: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jeff: Man, is Lee Greenwood the best we’ve heard this year? Because it hurts me to type that.

Jason: Define “the best.”

Jeff: Ha ha ha! “Unshittiest.”

Jason: Hm.

Jeff: I think he might be.

Jason: It’s hard to say. I’ve lost all objectivity.

Jeff: We need to find this year’s Paul Carrack, and pronto.

Jason: Yeah, we may be out of luck.

Well, this was a downer, wasn’t it. Happy holidays, but DON’T YOU EVER FORGET THE REIGN OF TERROR.

Jeff: When you’re opening your gifts this year, REMEMBER THE BLOOD AND CRUSHED MENORAHS.

Jason: CRUSHED MENORAH! CRUSHED MENORAH! TRAMPLED CHILDREN! TRAMPLED CHILDREN!

Actually, I don’t think that last one is in there. But it could be, right?

Jeff: Sure! A few trampled children never hurt a song, right?

Jason: Not one like this!

Jeff: I think I heard that line in an Outkast number once, actually. Heyyyyyyyyyyy Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Jason: There are so many lines you could put in there.

BANGED YOUR MOTHER! BANGED YOUR MOTHER!
Hayo!
Haya!

Jeff:

FIND A CLINIC! FIND A CLINIC!
Hayo!
Haya!

Jason: I mean, almost anything fits. ATE A TACO! ATE A TACO!

Jeff: Except for, like, a little fucking holiday cheer. Even Al Jarreau managed that, and he was high.

Jason: Thanks a lot, Peter, Paul & Mary. I’m taking this song and sticking it in my Spyro Gyra.

Jeff: Hayo!

Jason: Haya!

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Saturday, December 6th, 2008

The Sixth Day of Mellowmas: Boltonmas!

by Jeff Giles and Jason Hare

We try not to repeat artists we’ve covered in years past during The 25 Days of Mellowmas, but today we make an exception. We had to. Look at that album cover below.  Look at stupid, smug Michael Bolton.  Look how he’s taunting us, almost saying, “take your best shot, assholes.”  Mr. Bolton, the gauntlet has been thrown!

Michael Bolton — Silent Night (download)

bolton.jpg

From Swingin’ Christmas Amazon iTunes

Jeff: So gentle and pretty. And Bolton isn’t even shouting!

Jason: Didn’t we cover Bolton last year?

Jeff: I feel like we did, yeah. Maybe it was “Silent Night.”

Jason: No, we didn’t do this one. Last year he was yelling at us. Now he’s just kind of whimpering soulfully.

Jeff: I can take a little Bolton when it’s restrained like this.

Jason: This isn’t that bad, actually. Oooh, falsetto!

Jeff: I do miss the mullet on the cover. He looks a little too respectable.

Jason: I don’t hate this too much. I mean, it’s still Bolton, but it’s really not bad.

Jeff: Wait, do you hear that? He’s starting to fuck around with the melody.

Jason: A little, yes.

Jeff: He’s starting…he’s starting to yell.

Jason: I think we’re going to get some more.

Jeff: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallelujah!

Jason: Here it comes, on “Christ…”

Jeff: Why does he do this every time?

Jason: Because he’s really, really angry, Jeff. KEY CHANGE!

Jeff: Dude, he just hummed a little before he yelled “Silent night.”

Jason: He did? There’s the swing in “Swingin’ Christmas!” LOVE’S PURE LIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!

Jeff: I tell you what, though: I am literally wishing for a silent night right now.

Jason: It’s like he’s saying, “now you’re all in big, big trouble.” Does Michael Bolton have kids?

Jeff: Oh, imagine if he did? See? More humming!

Jason: Yup, there it is. He got quiet again at the end.

Jeff: Bolton just gave us a hummer!

Jason: This is like a psychological mind-fuck. This is probably what he does with Nicolette. He’s all gentle, then he fucking freaks out, and then he’s quiet again. And she’s stuck there going, “wait, what just happened?”

Jeff: I think you may have unlocked the source of Bolton’s mysterious appeal. He lures the bitches in, scares them half to death, and then soothes them. I wonder if anyone has written a thesis about his music. I’d like to see his shout-to-sing ratio plotted out on a graph.

Jason: I imagine it probably got higher after the mid-’90s. Look at the cover. Doesn’t it look like that star is going right into his head?

Jeff: There’s room for a galaxy in there.

Jason: It’s like it had a mission — “destroy the mullet” — and then got all confused when it got there. Like Nicolette. Poor Nicolette.

Jeff: She knew what she was getting into.

Jason: He probably starts singing this shit in October.

Jeff: Are you kidding? He probably squeezed this out in one take between rounds of golf in April.

Jason: Still, I have to be honest. That was nowhere near as bad as it could’ve been, really. The arrangement was pretty classy. Yeah, he got a little pissy in the middle, but still, we could have gotten it so much worse. It’s like he tapped us on the head a little instead of punching us in the teeth.

Jeff: No, that’s what’s frustrating about Bolton. He has a modicum of talent, and enough dough to afford real producers and musicians, but he insists on screwing things up — and not in a really interesting way. Kind of like that Air Supply record we listened to during our first Mellowmas.

Jason: I still remember that one! “Love Is All.”

Jeff: I can’t believe you remember the title.

Jason: Yeah, me neither. Sad, isn’t it?

Jeff: I’m sorry, what did you say? I can’t stop staring at that star next to Bolton’s head now. I think it’s talking to me.

Jason: I don’t know how I feel about this one. I mean, I’m not surprised like I was last year with Carrack, but I’m not throwing it out the window with Little River Band and Judy Collins, either.

Jeff: Man, I bet Bolton could sing the fuck out of “Song for Sarajevo.”

Jason: Seriously! And he’d yell just loud enough for me to make a donation. He’d probably set off the landmines with his voice.

Jeff: That would be the best Mellowmas present ever.

Jason: What, Bolton thousands and thousands of miles away, dodging landmines? Agreed.

Jeff: Who said anything about dodging them?

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Wednesday, July 9th, 2008

Bottom Feeders: The Ass End of the ’80s, Part 15

by Dave Steed

bottomfeeders2.jpg

A few weeks ago I was at a record show for a few hours flipping through thousands of $1 records. I fully admit that I am a nosy person — I like listening to conversations going on around me, and it’s almost impossible to avoid them in this setting. I pick up some of the worst-looking albums you could possibly imagine, so I usually don’t make fun of people for their purchasing choices, but sometimes it’s inevitable. The best time to do this is when people are flipping through records and loudly talking to their friends or family like they’re experts on every artist, album, and song ever made. They seem to be trying to impress the seller or other seekers to the point where we somehow magically ignore the fact that Debbie Gibson’s debut is in their hands. This brings me to my first character. We’ll call him “The Shrink.”

The Shrink was probably in his mid-20s and was there with a buddy around the same age. The friend picked up Michael Bolton’s The Hunger and held it up for show. The Shrink then went off on a tangent that I’ll attempt to re-create as much as possible here. He said, “Is that a greatest-hits album? If that’s a greatest-hits album you should put it back, because greatest-hits albums don’t truly reflect where an artist’s head is at the time, and that’s why you should be buying a ‘real record.’ Why would you want just pieces of albums thrown together when your purpose should be to listen to the artist’s mind-set in one period of time?”

Of course I had to let out a little chuckle, not just because of the Shrink completely ripping the greatest-hits concept — which I clearly am not against — but because a harmless Michael Bolton record is what set him off. I’m pretty sure there were no signs given off that this was indeed a greatest-hits record, because if it was, wouldn’t there be some sort of indication on the record sleeve?

(more…)

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